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female
,
*ruitandnutcase
writes: I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years. I love him very much and know he loves me. The problem is for the past few months we have done nothing but argue. I am so unhappy and have even thought about leaving, but I know I couldnt imagine life without him. We disagree about everything. He has different priorities and requirements to me. He has 3 children from a previous relationship and I have none. We have talked about having a baby, but I know he's not that keen even though he says he will. I want to get married (we are engaged at the moment) and although he has mentioned it, I can see us going on and on without anything getting planned (unless I do it that is). He won't do a will so at the moment our house and everything will get left to his kids if he dies and he can't see how important it is to me. He says he will do it, but never gets round to doing anything. Everything he says or does at the moment upsets me or gets me down as I feel resentful of what I have gone through with him. We have had a year of horrible problems with his ex and solicitors for contact of his children. It has costs us so much money and I have gone without everything I would like or need to pay for the solicitors fees and his children. His children don't particularly like me that much (poisoned by their mum), even though I have tried so hard to be the perfect stepmum and to love them as though there were my own. We have to travel over 200 miles each way to see them once a month and the travelling and expense is having a strain on our relationship too. We cannot afford to go on holiday together as we have to take the kids away at least once a year. I feel like I am constantly living his life and not living a life of my own. Please help me
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, pkans7  +, writes (14 July 2010):
Well mine is just stupid he has a job. Which is important but wants my money for bills. Women should have their pay for shopping men pay bills. That is what southern women think! Hey
A
female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (2 October 2005):
 Whoa nellie!
Let me just repeat all that back to you. You're engaged to a man who disagrees with you about "everything", with whom you "do nothing but argue", doesn't show any sign of seriously wanting to marry you, doesn't care about planning for protecting you in the future, lets you pay for his personal fiancial problems, whose children don't like you and yet who lets you pay to travel to see them... and you "can't imagine life without him"?
I can't imagine what you see worth saving in this relationship, honestly.
So, you "know he loves" you, does he? And how exactly is he showing it? By allowing you to deal with all the extraneous crap of his previous relationship, and without giving you anything to hold onto for your collective future? By letting everything slide, day after day, as long as you keep absorbing the fights and disappointments and animosity from his children?
I just keep thinking that your self-esteem must be down into your socks by now, the way you're holding so tightly to a man who obviously doesn't give a rat's about the way you feel. What is apparent is that this guy will take as much as you can give - your patience, your love, your money - and then blame you for being unhappy.
Please. For your own mental health, I urge you to think about an Ideal Relationship with someone. Preferably not with this guy, because you'll get tangled up in the feelings you've convinced yourself he deserves.
Think about a really good relationship and what you'd like to have happen. Things like a man who listens to you and cares about your opinion. Like a man who puts your collective happiness above his own needs. Or a man who gives his children reasons to love you the same way he does.
Then look at what you've got. There's a big difference, I'm sorry to say.
You need to level with this man and tell him that you're unhappy and why. You also need to start standing up for yourself to him, and insisting that his children show you the respect that you should be getting as their father's partner. You have to stop paying for his previous life. If getting married is important to you, you need to make sure that he knows that, and that he's prepared to pick a date.
However, I STRONGLY urge you NOT to get married to this man until you've worked through the problems that you have now. If you marry him now, you're only going to set in stone the very complaints that you've just aired, and you're going to get to deal with them, effectively forever (though in reality it will be considerably less than forever, since you'll end up hating each other).
If it were me, I'd leave this tangled mess of a man to his own devices, with instructions to call me when he's seriously ready to make a go of things. I know you have a lot of love and time invested in this man, but please don't let that blind you to the possible pleasures of a life with someone who doesn't have kids that disrespect you, and knotty problems with a venomous ex-wife. You deserve happiness, and I hope that you find it.
Good luck.
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