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female
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anonymous
writes: I was 19 when I found out I was pregnant by a man who I’d been seeing for 9 months. He said that he would wait until I was ready before we had sex but one night on my birthday he took me out to a club, he got me drunk and took advantage of me. I woke up the following morning on his bed knowing that something wasn't right. A few weeks later I missed my period and I ended up pregnant. I told him I was pregnant and he left me telling me to never get in touch with him and that the baby wasn't his when it was. I was so scared to tell my parents as they are old fashioned and think that you have to be married before having a child. I was 28 weeks when I told them, because I didn't want them to tell me to get rid of it. I kept the child and raised him on my own. He’s now 6. I met someone 2 years ago and we are getting married in October 2005 and he has accepted my son as his own and we are now a family and are planning to have another child next year.It may sound like I don't need help but I do as I am still frightened about having sex as I get flashbacks of waking up that morning. My partner knows what happened and is very understanding but I am still in need of some advice how I can forget this and get on with my life. Any advice anyone?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2008): I am a man and I was raped by 4 women. Men don't talk about stuff like this, do you love your child, that's all that matters from that night look at your child with love it's the best thing that happened to you. I have a daughter she is 19 now her mother didn't want her I brought her up since the age of 3 months ,What you are having are flash backs and guilt I get them ,I have now met a women and I have taking on her daughter I love the child her name is Sophie and I love her to bits she is my child you can make a baby but to be a father thats the knowing you are real man,you have a caring understanding man now in your life your child is now his child thats how he feels now forget your problems in the past and love your man and child you are a family and what ever your mum and dad think or feel they live in a different time to you . I send you my heart and love even that I don't known you all the best in your life look to the positive you have some much love in you.
A
female
reader, married with 1 +, writes (3 October 2005):
thanks for the advise and i thought id reply as for the first time i actually had sex with my partner and it was great,no flashbacks or anything. my partner is so understanding and i am lucky to have found him, he has helped me through it and i want to say to the first person who replied that i hope someday she will find a partner who she can trust and it will happen. 2 years after been together we are finally over that awful experience, i have even booked to see a doctor to try and get my life back.
thanks for the replys, it was my son's 6th birthday this weekend and like the last reply said it means alot for a man to accept another mans child,i hated my son's biological father but im so glad i didn't have an abortion, my son means the world to me and i wouldn't change it for the world. thansk for the replys it means a lot to me knowing people out there care
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reader, wwww.datinghaven.com +, writes (2 October 2005):
Almost makes me cry reading that and im glad you are marrying that bloke he sounds a diamond! Accepting another child as your own isn't easy. I'm also glad that you decided not to kill the baby by getting it aborted/terminated, it couldnt have been easy for you to accept the child as partially your creation, not losing love for him even though you hate his biological father and of course bringing him up as a single mum. I wish you both the best of luck and you have made my day! :)Now i cant be of too much help for the flashbacks BUT your husband is UNDERSTANDING and you both CARE and LOVE each other, the best thing you can do is if you want SEX with him to create a bigger family (or just for fun) is to get him involved, not many boys (as i call them: they arent really men) would stay by you and support you, now he does and will, you probably would need to go see some professional help and you can go together. Dont forget that talking to each other can also be of help. Someone in a similar situation (flash backs of rape) that i know actually took it in steps like sitting naked beside each other and talking to get both you familiar with each others bodies (i.e. explore each other, dont wear any clothes at night), then step 2 (done a different night, step 1 can be done over weeks if needed) is to have oral sex, mutual masturbation or other foreplay but not to engage in full sexual intercourse (no insertion vaginal or anal) - i guess this was to make her feel secure about a penis, step 3 was to be in positions but without insertion - to make her feel comfortable about a bloke being on top of her etc. (this maybe your problem and not the actual penetration itself?) and then when she felt confident have full sex, and however bizzare it seems it actually worked and it could do good for you to. Before she would sometimes shout rape to men she has given permission to and wanted sex with without knowing and she also pushed guys off her and she stayed single for a long while because these men backed off and the problem got worse as her confidence got less and less.i hope this helps! Please reply back and let me know how your wedding went on and of course if you got over the flashbacks.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2005): Time, that's all it is. Hey i get flash backs of being raped every time i have sex. Yes not nice. i was abused when i was younger and still i see that man every time sumone's on top of me! There is no advice really, just time thats it. People get scared in different ways. Some are quick healers and some are not! Unfortunately you and I are not. It will take a long time! but time is an healer to every thing. Why not try when you're about to have sex make sure you are really turned on, and if do still get flash backs quickly change your mind to some exotic like you and your lover instead or easy enough look your lover in the eyes your see there not them eyes as 6 yrs ago! There different eyes there caring eyes, at least your know he's going to be here in the morning! and at least you got a understanding partner. i have nothing. i had an understanding partner once i thought after 18months of being with him he started belting me with baseball bats, belts, metal poles. i nearly died twice because of him i got away in the end because he was murdered. at least you're not in that situation right? good luck with wedding!
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