A
male
age
30-35,
*ozmo
writes:I'm, 22, not a "player" or a guy who sleeps with loads of girls (in fact I've slept with 0) but I really want to be one, I don't feel like I am a man unless I have slept with a respectable amount of girls.Is this a good desire? I desperately want to be like that (Barney Stinsen esq) so I can feel like a man to myself...
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male
reader, Cozmo +, writes (12 April 2013):
Cozmo is verified as being by the original poster of the question Yea, I guess it seems that way. Around friends I have to stop myself one upping things people say. I have to consciously stop myself, its like a reflex.
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (12 April 2013):
 What are your male role models? What were you taught about "manhood" while growing up? Something went wrong somewhere here. And this sounds like a serious problem that you should get help with. Because no matter how many women you sleep with, there will always be someone who's slept with more. You have an inferiority-complex, and such complexes wont be solved no matter how many women you sleep with.
However, talking to a therapist will help. So do that. Get help. If you can't help yourself then how can anyone...
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2013): "I just don't feel adequate being a virgin at 22. I don't feel manly enough. I ride a 1800cc motorbike, I go to the gym a lot, I train in Mixed Martial Arts and am in the Army Reserves. But I still feel inadequate to people who have had sex. and even if I lose it tomorrow, I will still feel ashamed and a loser for losing it at 22."
Until you stop clinging to outdated macho stereotypes, then you likely will likely be alone since strong, confident, self-respecting women will continue to perceive you as a loser as they resent being treated as potential notches on a gun belt and nothing more.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2013): Oh my...Okay, for starters, please separate real life from TV shows/Movies or overblown reality TV shows and the people who act in them. They are acting, they are not showing you living in real life. Funny you choose a character that is gay in real life. And if you were really paying attention to his character, you would see that he is placed there amongst the other men characters as the one who always ends up with nothing because his behavior is so immature and atrocious.You have a whole life ahead of you and you should enjoy yourself, explore what you are interersted in and get to know different women as well. There is no reason to be a man-whore to feel like a real man. A real man, a man with standards, integrity, values/morals respects women, never threatens or hurts them and doesn't use them just for sex. You can safely and responsibly meet women who are mutually interested in a one night stand, as long as you are both clear about it. Please do not get involved with dirty prostitute who could potentionally give you a whole lot more than experience (STD's). Just stay away from that avenue if it's entered your mind.You putting this pressure on yourself and comparing yourself to others is very self-destructive. Just because one person has had sex doesn't make the other one a failure or a loser or anything negative. Truth be told, young men brag and lie about this because they think too they don't want anyone to know they haven't, or that the girl they were with was not going to give it up so fast. So, there are a bunch of guys walking around who are exactly like you, but nobody is going to admit it out loud. When the time is right, the time will be right. Do you want your first sexual experience to be with some slut who will give it up to anyone, or has - or - do you want to have your first sexual experience with someone you have grown to care for, or even love, trust and have an intimate connection with? That is your call.You are likely to have many partners down the road. Relationships run their course, they simple do not work out and you really do have to kiss a few frogs to find that princess who down the road you want to settle down with. This is very different from wanting to try to be like a character on TV and bang as much as you can in a short amount of time. Temporary gratification yes, but it won't actually make you feel better about yourself at all.10-20 years from now, boasting about the countless women you had sex will make you sound like anything but a real man. And it won't fulfill you in the long run.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (12 April 2013):
 OMG Barney Stinsen is a total asshole ! NPH (the actor) on the other hand has probably never slept with a woman at all as he’s GAY and in a committed LTR with a partner. How’s that for ACTING. Do you really think that he’s all that… my husband’s idol is Charlie sheen… another ASSHOLE ! Wow you have a very skewed view of what women want don’t you? BTW that’s a very good movie if you have never seen it…. Gives some insight into the fact that men and women think so differently about things.Men who are players are laughable and not desirable as boyfriend or husband material… is that what you REALLY want?There is nothing wrong with being a virgin… , not at 15, 18,21 or 25. There is nothing wrong with being a virgin till the RIGHT ONE COMES ALONG. Losing your V-card as you kids call it, is not the be all to end all. I lost mine at 14… am I sorry? Yeah I am. Did losing my virginity make me a woman? NO. Did it make me an adult? NO. all it did was make me NOT A VIRGIN… and guess what… by the time you are done with school and figuring out life, WHEN you lost your virginity is NEVER an issue. AND it’s not discussed and NO ONE will care.In addition, riding a motorbike (even a Harley Fatboy) will not make you a man, mixed martial arts will not make you a man (it will make you fit and healthy however and that’s a good thing)… and being in the Reserves is a good thing too but not what makes you a man.What makes you a man is SELF-CONFIDENCE and that my friend is what you are missing. And it’s hard to find that in your early 20s. I’ve been with 2 girls at once. I’ve been with 5 girls at once. I’ve had sex with more people than you can imagine both men and women. It does not change who I am as a person and it does not make me adequate or inadequate…. DEFINING YOURSELF by ONE small aspect of your life dooms you to failure. Look at the broad picture.
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A
male
reader, Cozmo +, writes (12 April 2013):
Cozmo is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI just don't feel adequate being a virgin at 22. I don't feel manly enough. I ride a 1800cc motorbike, I go to the gym a lot, I train in Mixed Martial Arts and am in the Army Reserves. But I still feel inadequate to people who have had sex. and even if I lose it tomorrow, I will still feel ashamed and a loser for losing it at 22.
Right now i feel inadequate to people who have had sex, if i get a girl ill feel inadequate to people who have been with two girl etc.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2013): Sorry but "women " don't think players are "men" . Real men don't use women to get ego boosts. . Little boys do..
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (12 April 2013):
 One step at the time :). Go get your first girl, for the time being, then proceed from there, see what happens. I mean, who tells you would not fall in love and feel no need for other women, or at least abstain from cheating on her for fear she would dump you. Then what , if you are in love then you are not a man anymore ?...
Daydreaming is fine, no problem, - but don't forget to live in the real world in the meantime.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2013): "I don't feel like I am a man unless I have slept with a respectable amount of girls."
Then you don't know what it takes to be a man. Real men respect women.
"I desperately want to be like that (Barney Stinsen esq) so I can feel like a man to myself..."
Barney Stinson is not real. He is a fictional character on a scripted television comedy series played by an actor (Neil Patrick Harris) who is openly gay in real life. If Barney is the epitome of the type of person who you want to be, then you are seriously misguided and the number of women with whom you have slept will not be increasing any time soon.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2013): I suspect you'll got a lot of answers telling you that having lots of anonymous sex doesn't make you a man, so I won't go there....people take different paths to maturity.
Personally I don't think a desire is a good or bad thing. There are only good or bad actions based on these desires. While sleeping around has a lot of risks, if you think having lots of sex is something you want to experiment with, then you'll have to man up and try approaching women. Being a player also means you have to be willing to risk crashing and burning once in while when women turn you down.
I can tell you if you just try imitating a metro-sexual sitcom star while avoiding sex with women, you will come off as a complete jackass to most of the female gender.
Good luck.
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