A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi,I'm 26 and my boyfriend is 35. We both got made redundant in jan 2009. We are currently in big trouble financially, my partner has not found a job since january and is obsessing over the idea of going to college. my partner used to earn £40,000 a year, now we live on benefits, which i have found totally degrading. I have started training to be a childrens nurse, and my partner has also decided to go back to college to train this month. i am annoyed about this- he went to college at 18 but dropped out, i feel as though he shouldnt have been so stupid and we are in no position to be doing this now. i feel, to be honest, that hes too old, and he needs to grow up and start being a man. He has never owned his own car, rather borrowed his mum's, although he's always worked, he spent too many years messing about in silly jobs not thinking about his career. He got his last job and i thought things were on the up, but when he got made redundant, and couldn't find a job, he decided to retrain. I'm sure he thinks this is some kind of liberation after years of working, and he spent the last few months obsessing over finances, fixating on college and playing computer games and going out running, rather than looking for a job. he's thrilled with going to college, but i'm angry and frustrated about this secretely.We have hardly any cash at all, and i am pretty traditional and believe that the husband should be able to support the home and the wife, not be in the undignified position we are in now. I know my family believe that too, and i know they arent happy with him. He is a pretty motivated guy, he does most things around the house and is a good partner, and i don't think its true to say he has no self respect, but it feels like it to me.The other day, as we have no money right now, my mother who is 60, offered us money to refund our fare when we went to go and see her. i said "oh, no mum, i'm not sure i.." she held it out- AND HE TOOK IT! then mumbled "cheers." My mum looked daggers at him. I wanted the ground to swallow me up- my partner is 35- what kind of man takes money from a 60 year old woman? He has no sense of pride about money. He sees it as functional. When i had a row with him about this, he couldn't see my point. he kept saying "we need that money."He will readily tell people "we cant afford that!" and i feel humilated. i feel money is vulgar, and its nobodys business what people can and cant afford. He didn't buy me anything for my birthday, because "we cant afford to waste money on silly things, it's your money too." and it was humiliating when friends asked what he bought me. Then he made me feel guilty about getting birthay money, some of which i hid from him, as i wanted a treat. My other friends' husbands can treat them, are working, and drive them to places, and crucially don't ask other people for money.I went out on a rare night out the other week, and a male friend, (who doesnt have a great job, he just works in a shop) knowing i'm a student, bought me drinks and paid me for entry into a club. I told my partner about this, and rather than being bothered that effectively another man was taking out his wife, he said "oh good. Thats saved us some money." I feel as if hes just cheap and has no pride. Sometimes i feel that if i said that i had slept with this guy, but got £50 for it, that would be ok... i have lost all respect for my partner. We don't have sex anymore, i think subconsciously because of the stress were under but also the worry that i'd get pregnant- then what? He cant even support himself. I just hear him saying things sometimes about money, and i just think "oh just get a job, and grow up" We'll never buy a house, or get a car or have kids at this rate, and with this show recently, i'm not sure i want to. I think about moving out of here after i qualify and i feel guilty. I don't want to resent my partner, but i do. I'm so sick of not having any cash at all and worrying about every bill and rent payment, and i fantasise about a life with a kind of man who pays his way, and mine sometimes... and doesn't take money from my mother. I don't know what to think anymore.
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male
reader, Jmtmj  +, writes (22 September 2009):
 Get over it, you're never too old to train to get a better job to make a better life and be able to support you and/or a family. Stop whinging and support your man, otherwise leave. Honestly it sounds like he deserves better. Atleast he's motivated enough to get out there and do something that'll benefit his and your future.
And for flip sake, if your mother holds out money and then gets upset when it gets taken then she sounds as nuts as you do. I'm sorry, but seriously, look at all the problems that people have on this site and you're worried about money? Its just ridiculous and way down the priority list when it comes to relationships and happiness, so get your priorities right or get out.
A
female
reader, obsticalfree  +, writes (22 September 2009):
I'm not sure if you are working or not but have to say I did worked one often two jobs as well as being a student undergrad and post grad degrees plus raised a child for last one . So you need to start working and going to college to sort your finances. In regards to his going to school that is good thing he has no qualifications he is not too old in fact he could be working for 25 or 30 years after a degree and you will definitely have better financial opportunities than having dropped out at 18. Get a job , go to school refrain from having kids and than see if he's gotten it together if he hasn't than leave if that is what you want to do. I think it is responsible for you not to have kids now. It is also understandable why you are upset with him but it isn't understandable why you aren't working yourself it is family obligation to support the household. You don't have a child to care for there is no reason you shouldn't be helping out. Any money that is sent to you as a birthday treat is your money don't feel guilty about it. I don't like that he is not celebrating your birthday I put up with that in a marriage UGH his birthday was a party mine was 'unimportant' don't put up with it. Its a control thing a birthday isn't about money it is a celbration of your life I'm sure you would be happy if he made a poem or sang a song or gave you breakfast in bed. Don't allow him to bring you down. Seriously if people measure your relationship in the cost of a gift someone gives you is stupid the best gifts are those that took thought , effort and show caring .
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A
male
reader, Mr Nice  +, writes (22 September 2009):
 I can understand your problem, but maybe your partner realises that in the current economic climate his best chance of getting a good, well paid job is with a college qualification. I see you say he already went to college and dropped out, but maybe now that he is older and more mature he will be better equiped to finish his course.You say your doing a college course so why should your partner not do one too? Maybe im misreading or mis- understanding your problem but it seems you want him to get a job and start bringing in more money, whilst you complete your college course. Then when your qualified you still might leave him.. do you not think that is a bit selfish?It seems to me that the fact you have gone from having plenty money to having no money has put a huge strain on your relationship. You seem to view this problem in different ways, your partner appears to just look for ways to save money whilst you would just like him to get a job and bring in more money. Whilst i dont agree with him taking money off your mother, i can understand his need to budget now money is tighter. Maybe if you just sat down with him and explained how you and your family feel about the situation you could work it out. As other people have pointed out you dont have children or a mortgage tying you down. Your responsibilities are solely to yourselves, and im sure you can come to a reasonable conclusion.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (22 September 2009):
 Do you have a job? I worked AND went to college, is that what you are doing?
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A
male
reader, baddogbj  +, writes (22 September 2009):
 You have a biological obligation to ditch this deadbeat - survival of the fittest, evolution - the human race only progresses if women don't breed with men that can't or won't support them.
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