A
female
age
41-50,
*loridachic74
writes:My DH and I have now been married for 6 1/2 yrs but together for 9. For the past 4 1/2 months there has been zero intimacy and I'm going crazy. He won't talk to me about it. He just keeps saying that he misses me in that way and loves me so much but then does nothing. I have tried everything you can think of. New lingerie, being in next to nothing in the house, making passes at him, and he can't be bothered. Our marriage to him is "The Best it's ever been" (this is what he tells me) but for me, I am so lonely. I tried to get him to go to counseling but something always comes up and he can't go. I told him that the ball is in his court and he has till the end of January to make some serious changes. (Not really sure what I'm going to do at the end of Jan. but I had to say something.) By that time it will be 5 months! With him avoiding the conversation I don't know what to do. If I leave him alone about it, how long should I let this go? I love him so much but I'm so frustrated!!! Please help! Reply to this Question
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female
reader, AuntyMaur  +, writes (16 February 2011):
 Go with your gut feeling - dont waste time holding on to maybes - what ifs - It really is time to hit this on the head and sort it out. Its not fair on you.
A
female
reader, floridachic74 +, writes (15 February 2011):
floridachic74 is verified as being by the original poster of the question Ahhh, Valentine's Day! The night of love and intimacy! Not in my house. Okay, so I've been sick with Strep throat and so has he and the baby but now we've been better for about 2 weeks now. NO VALENTINE romance. Even though we are starting to communicate better and joke around with one another there is that big part of me that misses being loved on. I'm getting all my ducks in a row. I have gotten into watching The Bachelor on t.v. on Monday nights and during the show last night I mentioned to my DH how I remembered when we were in the "sappy love stage" and how even though we have been together for a long time that I really missed that. He agreed.............but that was the end of that conversation. The other night I was feeling a bit nauseous and just to be funny, I said, "I might be pregnant" and he said, "Oh man, that would be GREAT"! I said, "Uhhhh.............honey................that would mean that it would be the next immaculate conception!!!" Then he told me that he would LOVE to have another baby. I said to him, "Well, you know what has to take place in order for that to happen right?" We both laughed and that conversation was over.
He did bring me a few flowers last night for Valentine's Day but I couldn't help but wonder if there really was someone else. I can't afford to go and get a P.I. to find out if there is or not. I am just hoping that he opens up to me soon!
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A
female
reader, floridachic74 +, writes (15 February 2011):
floridachic74 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell, since my last entry, I've had a birthday and gotten a bit wiser. Still no sex in the marriage however the DH is starting to communicate with me better. Just about every day normal things. I feel like we are getting along better but still wish that I would be ravished! LOL
I have started my seasonal job and so I'm gone at least one night a week and I swear during my week of rehearsals, he really seemed to miss me. The communication has been amazing. We'll see!
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A
male
reader, BigSambo +, writes (19 January 2011):
Something is WRONG. It is either he has someone on the side or has an STD. No normal man can go for months without having sex with his wife, a good percentage of married men masterbate too.
So if I were you I would get tested and hire a private invesstigator to find out who he is fucking with. He is not going to tell you what he is doing and if it was that easy, most marriages would be broken.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2011): Thanks for the update.
Plse do not discard the possibility of another woman. Seems like your hb is staying true to her and not you.
Do your homework.
I am glad you are taking care of yourself. I think through this turmoil you will actually find yourself. And that is a good thing. Sadly your hb won't be around to see this.
Take care of yourself. I smell a rat here and I know you do as well.
LoveGirl
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A
female
reader, floridachic74 +, writes (17 January 2011):
floridachic74 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo add to my last post, we have a 2 1/2 year old. I had no insurance after leaving my job to be a stay at home mommy for a year and a half. Then when my d/h insurance was able to update me to the policy we had decided to try again for another baby. 2 months before adding me to the policy he came out and said one night that he was going to get a Vasectomy and he had lied to me about wanting another baby in front of family and friends because he didn't want to "hurt my feelings". This was the beginning of our current problems. One minute he would want a baby and then a week later he would tell me that there was no way that we would have another one. This has been going on now for a year and a half. I started to see my Dr. for help soon after this incident happened because it began to take a huge toll on me. I have since asked if the reason for him not wanting to have sex was because he was afraid I would get pregnant and he says no. He changes his mind on a weekly basis which constantly gives me false hope.
Thank you all for giving your advice. Marriage is definitely not being about keeping secrets or avoiding problems which are serious. I completely agree. I am going to my Dr. today to discuss further options as she is my counselor as well. To follow up on some of your questions. My D/H has no problem with his erection. At the end of October he was alseep on the couch and I had had 2 glasses of wine and I had tried to get him in the mood by kissing on him. We started to have sex and after a couple of seconds, he just stopped, got up and left me there in our living room. As he walked to the bedroom he claimed that he was tired and wanted to go to bed. I sat there on the floor like, "Did THAT just happen????" "What the....." There was nothing wrong with him being able to hold an erection! THAT was for sure. When I asked him the next morning about it he said that he didn't remember it happening that way and I must have had too much to drink. One thing I know for sure is that WOMEN, more than men, do NOT forget a sexual experience.....Good or Bad!
Well, at the advice of my Dr., I've tried to concentrate on myself for the last few months. New haircut, new color and getting some new clothes. So far, my d/h has of course noticed and likes all the changes but nothing has changed in the intimacy department. He isn't gay or had any encounter. I am having a hard time believing that he has strayed also because I think his concious would eat him alive. (although, I've heard of stories where the spouse cheats and there is no remorse) I see how other things have bothered him and this is why I believe that this is probably not the answer. I have come out and have asked him if there is someone else and he says no but still doesn't want to talk about it. My d/h is in outside sales and his "friends" are the guys he works with. He doesn't really hang out with them outside of work.
A lot of nights we will go to bed at the same time but a lot of nights he will get into bed before me. I can't sleep, so I read a book till I get sleepy. I fell in love with him because of his positivity on life. However he has an ugly temper and gets irritated quickly. As for him having sudden changes to life/work/or anything else, nothing has raised a red flag with me. We went to see his family up north for a family gathering at the 1st of the year. He's always been involved in music. Playing the keys, bass guitar and writing/recording music. Was in a band that toured all over the U.S. when he was in his 20's but now plays his bass and keys just for fun. When we came home he has been almost obsessed in getting back into playing his bass and guitars with a group again. (this, i find odd) He is letting his hair grow a little bit but he has done that before, just not so suddenly. We all act like the perfect little family when around other people but friends of mine have expressed that they feel the tension between the two of us and they know something is going on. I have mentioned this to him and he says he doesn't see it. (I of course do). I have approached him and have let him know that when he is ready to share what is going on with him that I would never judge him and would understand no matter what. The stress of not bringing up the subject since the first of the year is killing me inside. I have been very sick with strep throat since before Christmas and the stress is causing me to gain weight as well. Since going back to work 10 months ago I've gained 11 lbs. Doesn't sound like a lot but when you go from a size 3/4 to an 8, that doesn't do a lot for self esteem either. Started to watch carbs etc a week ago and am trying to work out but with not feeling well, it's been a bit of a challenge. As for the end of January threat? I don't know. My bday is the 30th and it's going to suck if he doesn't do something to show me that our marriage is important to him. He tells me that he loves me so much and he misses me. I was recently told that if he loved me as much as he says he does he would have already moved mountains to show me. So, I am still trying to figure out how long to let this go.
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female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (11 January 2011):
 He either needs to talk to you, or talk to a counsellor or your marriage is over. Don't want to talk doesn't cut the mustard, when he's unable to have sex and won't talk about it. Keep making appointments for him, if he cancels to many of them, sit him down and tell him your going to give them as evidence to a divorce lawyer.
Marriage is not about keeping secrets or avoiding problems which are serious.
PS: I'm guessing it may be problems with his erection which are very easily sorted out. But it could be anything.
PPS: What could you threaten end of January... change your look, new hair, clothes etc and tell him your going to look for a lover.
Keep the lines of communication as open as possible, and do not stop asking him to join you in the bedroom.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2011): A number of possibilities:
He is gay/had a gay encounter
He cheated and he now has a STD/STI
He is not interested in you bec he has been having an emotional affair. Basically investing in another person.
I do not think he has E D. I think he did something wrong, is stubborn or too proud to confess.
Five months is a long time to not want to have sex. Something is up. You gave him an ultimatum and he has not taken u seriously. What now? Do u leave? If you stay that will not solve anything. By his behaviour he is telling u that he is not interested in sex with you, perhaps the answer lies with another woman. You need to put an end to this one way or another. Have you considered taking to him about possible cheating. Can you talk to your doctor, or your hbs friend (it might be embarrassing) or his brother?
This is not 'normal' behaviour he is displaying. Start investigating before he pulls the rug from under you.
LoveGirl
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A
male
reader, BigSambo +, writes (9 January 2011):
There is more info missing here especially about your past and relationship and possible marriage issues. From your post yYou sound so innocent. Here are some questions I have:1 - Does he get in bed with you and try to do things to please you sexually?2 - Have you seen him with an erection when he wakes up in the morning or other times?3 - If so, does he do things to hide his erection so you won't suspect anything?4 - Does he act a certain way around you (such as mad, depressed, frustrated because of this) and cheerful at work or with his friends? Or is his behavior sudden? Meaning he remembers that he has to act a certain way and then does it.I think there is a problem that he is not telling you. What you should do is (1) Expect and accept a change in your DH's sexual life as well as your marriage (2) Ask him to honetly tell you what is going on and promise him that YOU WILL UNDERSTAND AND NOT HOLD IT AGAINST HIM ... YOU JUST WANT TO KNOW THE REASONS FOR HIS BEHAVIOR. Now if he opens up and tells you he has cheated on you and he has some kind of STD, you can not go crazy as you promised. The same thing applies if he tells you that he is going through a sexual orientation or some kind of crazy thing.I am not trying to put ideas in your head but you are here asking for help and some advice.
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female
reader, anonymous39  +, writes (9 January 2011):
Could he be gay??
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female
reader, AuntyMaur +, writes (8 January 2011):
I wonder if he feels guilty about something he has done? Sometimes guilt can make a person withdraw,or perhaps he has a medical condition? ( depression for example )
I agree with the aunt honesty post, there is not alot you can do until he accepts there is a problem,he does need to ackowledge your feelings, its not fair to keep you in the dark.
Is it just the sex thats changed - has his mood changed? Is he still showing affection in other ways? if his personality has also changed then something is terribly wrong. Perhaps you could write him a letter, it sounds odd but its another way you can let all your feelings out, sometimes reading is better than listening, it can get the message across more effectively and clearly show all the issues. Just be prepared for answer you may not want to hear.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (8 January 2011):
 Ok well there is obviously some reason why he has lost his sex drive and if he is not going to talk about it with you then you have hit a dead end.
You have told him now how you feel so yes the ball is in his court and i just hope for your sake that he does something about it. In this case i dont think counselling will help unless he has a physical problem. It just sounds to me like he has hit a time in his life were he has lost his sex drive it can happen to anyone at any time.
Talk to him again explain to him that you feel lonely and scared that the marriage is in big trouble. See how he reacts. Tell him you know you cant force him to have sex with you but that you want to know what the problem is. Maybe he is over worked or just tired.
Can you think back to the last time you both had intercourse? Did anything happen that was out of the ordinary.
I dont think there is much more you can do than to wait and see what he does. Maybe try another way if you have not already tried it. Buy some massage oils and massage him some evening dim the lights and wear something sexy massage his back and shoulders and maybe kiss his neck every now and then and see if that does anything for you.
goodluck.
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