A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I periodically find used condoms in my husbands things. Like in the bathroom under a towel, or this week in his bathrobe. I know he is masturbating in them, but what should I do?? When I was first married I called him screaming and crying thinking he cheated, then I called him again when I found them again. I did not say don't do this, but I know he knows it upsets me terribly. Why would he masturbate when he has me, his wife? It hurts, and though he's great, I will leave but should I? Am I being too extreme? Oh and when I brought it to his attention he got angry with me. We are in our 40's and this sucks. Any advice would be appreciated.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2011): First off, masterbation is normal for guys. It's what we do.
However using a condom and leaving it lying around confuses me. Unless he is a little daft, I'd say he is leaving it around for you to find. Sounds like he is afraid to communicate to him directly. What the message is I can't say - he can. Maybe he wants more maybe he wants something spicy.
You on the other hand left out key information. Are you happy with your sex life? Do you get enough? Also, you are reacting quite strongly to what is a common behaviour - albeit not commonly spoken about.
I would guess that you both have problems communicating and I suggest counseling on how you communicate.
I question whether you react to him in a way that discourages him from being open and honest. Negative tone of voice or negative body language will hold a man's lips together better than velcro.
I also question whether he has the tools/ability to speak up to you directly. Maybe he lacks courage and maybe he feels you might think he is kinky if he wants to try a little 69 or ____.
I think some women are more comfortable declaring something is perverted or kinky than saying, "I don't enjoy that". Are you that kind of person?
I highly recommend counselling on your communication skills with an expectation that it would eventually lead to you both having open/honest/non-judgemental discussions on what you want sexually.
A
female
reader, angelDlite  +, writes (13 January 2011):
 hi
this is nothing to worry about and definitely not grounds for divorce! he just likes to give himself a quickie rather than put in the time and the effort for a sex session with you. as long as he is giving you as much sex as you want as well as well as his masturbating, then i reckon you've no worries. doesn't mean he doesn't love or want you. he should be throwing his used condoms in the bin though
xx
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A
male
reader, MEGAlberto  +, writes (11 January 2011):
Simple fact:
People in relationships, including marriages, masturbate more frequently than people who do not.
It is part of being sexually active. Men who ejaculate on a daily basis have the added bonus of healthier sperm and a lower risk of prostate cancer. Now do you really want to have sex with him EVERY day?
If you catch him at it join in! Masturbating is a good sign that he's in the mood :).
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2011): Based on your reaction and view, i am not surprised that your husband does not tell you that he masterbates ... Most men do it and if their wives don't understand or get upset or just expect them not to, then they will keep doing it and keep it a secret.
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A
male
reader, Illithid +, writes (9 January 2011):
 Dunno about him, but I've masturbated even when I had a girlfriend because it's a no mess, no stress, totally selfish quickie. With a woman, one still needs to get and keep her horny, be attentive to her needs, engage in foreplay, keep going after finishing one's own needs, etc. It's ABSOLUTELY rewarding, but sometimes a man just wants to relax a little and just get off. It's not any comment on your attractiveness, it's just a personal issue. Sometimes a man doesn't want a full wine and dine dinner either... just a drive through cheeseburger.
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A
male
reader, Odds +, writes (9 January 2011):
 Men whack off. It really has nothing to do with how satisfying their love life is or isn't. It's more like scratching an itch than anything else. Seriously, telling a guy not to masturbate is like a telling a woman to ignore the smell in the bathroom. It just can't happen, and no one should feel insulted by it.
As long as you're satisfied with your love life, things are good and normal.
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A
male
reader, Norfolk'N'Good +, writes (8 January 2011):
hi, 14 but just listen, on some level i think hes doing for you. as you said ur in ur 40's. hes might be checking if he is still up to the job or so to speak.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2011): why would u leave him for jerking off? Thats crazy and cruel. Why do women still like to look nice or feel good if men compliment them? Is that something your hubby should leave u for? Masturbating is normal and healthy. If anything leave him for his hygeine because thats disgustin to just be throwing around used condoms all over the house
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2011): No i dont think you should leave him over this, he's masturbating not cheating. You could be at it like rabbits but he could still feel like it. At the end of the day it's his body as long as it's just him and his hand there is nothing to worry about. I do think you should ask him to dispose of the condoms though.
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A
female
reader, AuntyMaur  +, writes (8 January 2011):
 Why not explore this a little more and have some fun with it? Men do masturbate wether married or not. many women do to, its a form of release and its pleasurable.
With my husband sometimes we masturbate in front of each other, its eotic and turns us on... better he masturbate than have sex with other women. he is a normal man leave him be or embrace it.
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A
male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (8 January 2011):
 You haven't given us the sort of details that will help give you a proper answer. For example, have you been married 20+ years or is this a new relationship?
You will occasionally find old married couples who have great sex lives. They're the exception. More common is that after 20 some years, one partner thinks that once or twice a month is an active sex life. The other might not quite see it that way, and masturbate to fill the gap.
Also, sadly, guys in their 40s may find that their plumbing doesn't work as well as it did when they were in their 20s. That in turn might make him pull back from sex because he's embarrassed that he's less able to please you. If he's flying solo, he doesn't have to worry whether it's good for you too.
It's unfortunate that he got angry when you tried to talk to him about it, because communication is the obvious solution to this. I can only assume that it's because masturbation is a topic that men of my generation grew up seeing is intensely private and mortally embarrassing. I have to wonder, though, if that could be his thinking if he's leaving condoms around? That part of it strikes me as very odd. Regardless, if he understands that this is a potential deal-breaker it should prompt him to open up. But for goodness sake bring it up delicately!
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A
female
reader, Elydiese +, writes (8 January 2011):
Unless your sex life has drastically went downhill because of it i think you should sit him down and have a conversation but i mean come on really, he's not cheating on you, not even thinking about it its just a natural thing i think you are being very extreme with your thinking and i dont see why its a problem
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2011): dont leave him. that wont help anything. just sit him down and calmly talk about the situation. he will understand. a lot of married men masturbate. he might be doing it because he may feel like you dont want to have sex with him. make sure he knows that you are willing to.
you can never go wrong with candles all around the house to have a romantic setting! if he ever has to go somewhere in the evening, it usually works if you leave him notes leading him to the bedroom and he finds you on the bed in lingerie.
good luck to you
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2011): You are definitely being too extreme in thinking of leaving him. Masturbation is completely normal for any guy: single, in a relationship, engaged, OR married. It is not a breaking up issue, especially if you two love each other. If it affects your sex life, talk to him about it and see if there's an underlying issue to why he masturbates but doesn't have sex with you much. Masturbation is completely normal for men and women alike, no matter how available sex is to them. Good luck.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2011): Men masterbate period and imho, no man should have sex with a woman who doesn't know how to please herself or he is setting himself up for a lifetime of grief and toil. If you try and prevent him from masterbating he will cheat period. You punish him for a natural act the kinkier he will get when he chooses a cheating partner.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty +, writes (8 January 2011):
 If am honest no i dont think you should leave your husband. Many men who are married masterbate. Its just a man thing. It doesnt mean that he prefers it to you or that he thinks its better than making love to you. Men masterbate as a way to relax and release some tention that they might have.
Has your sex life been affected by it? If not then if i were you i would try and let it go. You'd be surprised at how common it is for married men to masterbate, but once it effects you both having intercourse thats when it becomes a problem.
If you cant understand it why dont you sit him down tell him that you just want to try and understand why he does it. But dont tell him that he needs to stop because you will only drive him away because nobody likes being told what to do.
Goodluck.
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