A
female
age
30-35,
*elindamanley
writes:I began dating a boy about three months ago, he's 18 and I'm 19, and during this time we've fooled around and he was never able to ejaculate with me, but could through masturbation. Clearly, this threw me off, but as we continued to work at it, he finally ejaculated from my hand jobs. Recently, we began having sex. The problem is, he's hard before we start, but goes soft inside of me when we begin having sex. He assures me that it's some type of mental barrier and that it's basically anxiety. I can understand this. Has anyone else had problems with this? I love him to bits, I'm trying to be patient and understand this. Any suggestions as to how he could remain hard during intercourse, or it is a matter of waiting it out?
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female
reader, Belindamanley +, writes (3 October 2010):
Belindamanley is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank-you everyone for your input. I try very hard to understand these barriers. I have been sexually active before and I didn't have this problem with the last guy (the first time happened when I was 15).
There are a few things he's anxious about:
- Yes, pregnancy. He wants me on the pill and I agree with him (I was on it before).
- Performance.
- Self-esteem/depression.
- His parents are usually around, or someone else in his house.
- Guilt ( I left an engagement for him)
I am patient with him and I'm not in any way attempting to pressure him to perform. I reassure him that it's not a big deal, that he still feels good (it's not like I'm not enthusiastic) and him and I both agree that we'll work on this. I suppose I simply wanted assurance that this happens quite often. He has no trouble becoming erect when we're fooling around, he finds me attractive and I find him attractive, but when it comes to sex, he cannot handle it.
You're probably all right: take it slow, practice makes perfect, etc. I know it's probably all mental barriers, perhaps the condom is restricting something. We've both wondered about blood flow problems with him as well.
I suppose we wait it out, show other ways to express our love.
Thanks to all of you who replied, all of your answers are very much appreciated.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2010): Actually it's good to ask such kind of question, but what i would like to propose is that you should have conscious mind by forgetting about sex by this age, cause am also 19 too. So better for you to negociate with your boy friend in a peaceful way on how to stop having sex now.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2010): Actually it's good to ask such kind of question, but what i would like to propose is that you should have conscious mind by forgetting about sex by this age, cause am also 19 too. So better for you to negociate with your boy friend in a peaceful way on how to stop having sex now.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2010): Although this sounds wierd it is normal. If he is getting SUPER excited it just means he is in to you. He may also have a blood flow problem. Or he might just need to get used to the whole idea of having sex. Is he a Christian or did he grow up in a Christian home? Guilt may be playing a role, if so.
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A
male
reader, slimfish  +, writes (2 October 2010):
 this guy really loves you and is trying too hard to please you. are you sure that its not you putting too much pressure on him to perform. guys really do have a sensitive side as well as girls.
relax and let him know all is ok and that there are other things you can do till he gets hard again.
in a way you are lucky as most young guys shoot far too quick, and its all over too fast.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2010): (sounds familiar) I actually joined this site yesterday so I could ask this very question. People are telling me it is just a thought barrier. Not your or his fault, just an early stage that will pass.
I suspect it might have to do with the feeling of roughness on his penis. That's as funny to read as it was to write, but sex must be a new thing for him, as it is for me.
Just keep it up and don't worry about it, he'll find his groove, and no need for that Viagra either.
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A
female
reader, SweetindianGirl  +, writes (2 October 2010):
ya dont worry about it....try to show him you are a freak! it worked for me!
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A
female
reader, Supersassygirl +, writes (2 October 2010):
 Just go with the flow, men seem to know how to do it themselves but some can get nervous with us. He will learn his body and begin to trust you more and more if you dont make a big stink of it. Just be sweet, encouraging and patient. You will still be able to have excitement and love.
note: Drinking alcohol can increase the chances of him not maintaining an erection. Dont know if it applies but just food for thought.
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A
female
reader, helpme7 +, writes (2 October 2010):
You need to ask him what his anxiety is about. Is he afraid of getting you pregnant? Condoms can decrease sensitivity, which may make him go soft, so taking oral birth control on a daily schedule may be the best way for you to really feel each other and stay protected from pregnancy. Or maybe he thinks he is not giving you pleasure while you have sex? If so, make sure you let him know that what he is doing feels good. Do not be afraid to show him that what he does drives you wild, and if he seems unsure, you can guide him with your hands and some gentle words.
Also, most guys love oral sex, so you could give him a few minutes of oral sex until he is nice and hard. If he gets tired while on top of you and that contributes to the softening, you can straddle him and do most of the work. He will like the sight of you bouncing around, which will arouse him more. If he likes being the dominant one and that turns him on, then after you've gotten him hard with you mouth let him penetrate you and once he is in, flex your Keagle muscles (the ones you use to start and stop the flow of urine). Tightening these muscles will make him feel more pressure around his penis which may keep him hard.
But really it just comes down to what he is anxious about exactly. Once you know that, you can help him get over it in a creative way. Don't focus on him going soft when it happens, just reassure him with some oral sex and kisses. Also, having him go down on you, while you tell him what feels good may increase his confidence in his love making, which may solve the problem.
Have fun and good luck!
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A
female
reader, petina1  +, writes (2 October 2010):
 don't worry too much about it, just have fun. People who take sex too seriously will make problems for themselves. Just get to know each other in other ways and get closer and everything will turn out just fine. You are young and it's early days. A life time of love still can bring new suprises, so there's no rush, trust me. Hope this helps
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2010): Well, I have the same problem, but I am 41, recently in my first new sexual relationship in over 20 years, so yes...anxiety can play a BIG part. In the past few months of this relationship, it has improved dramatically. I went from not cumming during intercourse and losing erections, to having orgasms and consistent hardons through oral and hands, to having regular orgasms and consistent erections about 80% of the time. But I still lose focus due to stress and other factors. I'm also older, and that does play a part. It takes time for partners to get used to each other sometimes. It does not mean you are incompatible or anything...just means everyone is going through mental adjustments. In my case, the change in sexual appetite of my partner (which is much greater than my ex), threw me off and took a lot to get used to. I was used to being the pursuer.
You guys are probably fairly new to sex, and he may be nervous. I love that you are so patient...continue to do so, and soon he will be a tiger in bed. I promise you.
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