A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:happy new year. thank you for your advice last year concerning "broken hearted (unemployed) and dreading xmas" question.all the advice is invaluable.i celebrated the new year with a couple of friends and although i quite enjoyed the company and the merry spirit, i am still wearing an old head with a heavy heart even into the begining of the new year. i am feeling lower than ever as this new year is a constant reminder of the last, as it was exactly a year ago when this girl and i became physically intimate.i know that a new year is supposedly to do with renewal and embarking on new adventures but i can't seem to let go of the past. to be honest i can't bear the thought of her and her new boyfriend being happy. don't get me wrong i want them to be happy (as they are good people) but i can't help feeling it should be at the expense of others misery.i'm jealous and i know it's not conducive to feel this way in order to move on with my life, but i can't help it. i've never felt jealousy before and it is not a pleasent experience. last year i went to a therapist to do cbt (cognitive bahavioural therapy) though it was very helpful i was unable to attend all the sessions as it was clashing with my college.i just feel at a total loss. i find it difficult to muster the energy to apply for new jobs suffciently and i am worried about being in debt when i finish my college course.i am so full of despair. what can i do to rectify this?
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male
reader, rcn  +, writes (1 January 2008):
 Life is all about choice. All though we have obsticals we face, such as a car accident we were in a couple of days ago, lucky just a bit of soreness and no major injury, that was an obstical, but it doesn't change my end direction I choose to take.
You need to forgive yourself for the past, and for not knowing. I had to do the same a long time ago. My psychologist asked me a question. What do I look for in a partner, my answer to her was "must be breathing". That was something I never really gave much thought too. I still love my daughters mom. After the years went by, and being given homework to find out who I want to be with, reasons surfaces why we were not compatable. I was shocked when I found it out, but it made me stronger.
I also learned that in life we choose the direction we take. The new year is a time for renewed thoughts. Setting goals where we choose our direction to go. Build ourselves as better individuals to be kinder to others, to volunteer our time more to provide more benefit to others, to work on our sense of self, and to learn more that will ultimately improve our lives.
Your past happened, and some past events hurt, but it's important to focus on not what hurts but the good experience you had from taking that trip. I've had a few real long term relationships, and all though the outcome may not have been what I wanted, the benefit I received from the learning experience greatly outweighs the negative.
Instead of worrying about what she's doing and feeling bad for it, I want you to work on developing balance in your life. I use this formula often and it's been so beneficial in my life. We often get depressed and feeling bad about ourselves because we're simply out of balance. Get a piece of paper and write down what roles you play in life. I have a role as a parent, a role with my church, a role in behavioral studies, a role at school, a role with my parents and siblings, an employment role, a role as a friend and a role in the community. After writing down your roles write down what your duties are in each. My duty with my children is not to just raise them and love them, but to help in their spiritual, emptional, physical, and social development. I take each one of those categories and write down three areas that may need improvement or consistant attention. As an example, spiritual, helping them improve their self esteem, part of which is the way I interact with them and treat situations they may get into. Their emotional is always talking about how they feel, if their sad, what made them sad and we talk about how to overcome it. Physical, making sure they eat proper, and having time at the park and our family walks to stay active. Their social, I go out of my way to schedule sleepovers, to develop friendships with their friends and parents, to assure they take part in school activities and have pleanty of time in school and out of school to spend time with their friends.
In each area of your life, I bet you can think of a few areas that need attention, or something that you've been thinking about doing but life gets in the way and what's not important at the moment, we let slide for another time. I cary a calendar and in it I write down everything I need to do with my roles and schedule the time to work on each one and each area. I do so, so life won't interfere with my time at the park with my kids, so time won't interfere with my writing 3 letters to people i haven't seen for a while but still keep in contact with.
Once you do this, you'll begin to notice a big change in how you feel about yourself. You'll notice how happiness comes from within us, not from external sources, and whe you find someone to date, you'll be better at picking someone else who's naturally happy with who they are. The perfect relationship is one of two people who are naturally happy, and not expecting the other one to make them happy, but sharing in the happiness they both all ready possess.
i hope this helps you and I wish you a life changing new year. take care.
A
female
reader, tytoalba +, writes (1 January 2008):
 Try to find a new girl or a cool hobby to get your mind off it. Stay busy till you can know you are ready to face it and move on. Give some more detail and have a happy new year!
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