A
female
age
30-35,
*BM2008
writes:I don't even know how to organize this question, but here goes.My boyfriend and I broke up in mid-May then three weeks later we decided we wantedto be together again, however, we can't until I go back to college in August (He lives in the city where my school is). We decided then that it would be good to keep talking butnot be officially together, and fix our individual issues that messed us up. For example, he is very stubborn, and I am impatient. I have improved, but his being inconsiderate and say, not texting me beforehand whenhe can't call after saying he would really bothered me and I talked to him about it.It has been discouraging me to the point that the other night I felt increasingly moredistanced from him and that we are nothing to each other.I then emailed him and told him that we should have our contact be via email. He agreed,saying it would be good for a while.He also told me that it bothered him that we had a set time...say tomorrow night...for him to call. It was never like "call me at 9" or anything like that.He said that that had been a turnoff for him and it felt like we were forcing things, and that we can't force a spark to rekindle.He should have told me before so we could've changed it.We are both in love and just want to try to make this work when I get back in a month and a halfHe told me we would try, and that he loved me. It bothered me that he changed hisFacebook to say "single" instead of "it's complicated" like we had agreed before. He didnt tell me about it beforehand or anything. He also said we should just let thingsflow and not think about the future.I want to be more emotionally mature, because I feel like sometimes I depend on him too much.What can I do? I love this site and people's help, especially because some of you have had similar experiences. Being a bit more emotionally mature will help me greatly as a person, and it will also help my love and I start over.
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male
reader, Mat_auw  +, writes (17 July 2009):
 Dear EBM2008,
Thanks for your update and encouragement! I too think that you've made the right choice even though it would hurt for a while in the short term. But that's a sign of your growing maturity :) - your willingness to make a decision not because it'd be easy or painless, but because you feel it's right.
And actually I'm not sure if your boyfriend was looking for a relationship for the right reasons, since he bases his criteria for a girlfriend on material stuff rather than personality or interests... Hopefully he'll grow out of such a mindset in future... It'd be nice if the two of you can remain at least as friends, but it's no big loss if you don't.
And P.S., I agree that buses are a perfectly fine way to travel especially in this day and age of green-consciousness. Best wishes! Would you like to add me as friends?
A
female
reader, EBM2008 +, writes (14 July 2009):
EBM2008 is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thank you so much for your thorough answer!
We talked online the next day and I asked him what he meant when he said he wanted an "independent woman" and he told me he wants someone with a job and a car, which I find unfair because he's not independent, still living at home and all. I told him that was unreasonable, because even when I'm back in school and get a job I won't be buying a car for a while. He said he wanted to try to reconcile anyway, which threw me off. I told him to find someone with a car and job right now (I'm 19, its not like I'm in my mid-20s in case you were wondering). Plus, I can be independent without a car (hello, buses?). The conversation ended well regardless.
The next day after thinking about things, I told him I don't want to try to get back together in August. I'm hurting and hoping he will try to get me back but I believe I made the right choice. He was being immature and inconsiderate.
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A
male
reader, Mat_auw +, writes (13 July 2009):
Dear EBM2008,
Thanks for posting. It's great to hear that you're doing your best to grow into an emotionally mature individual. In contrast to maturing in terms of age, which everyone will get to experience since we will all grow old whether we like to or not, maturing in terms of your emotional intelligence is not a given and some folks remain emotionally immature throughout their whole lives. Just look at all the people out there who prefer to sulk and blame others rather than take responsibility for their own problems.
From your story perhaps it would be best not to commit to a serious relationship too fast, too much and too soon for now. Start over first as friends and see how it goes from there. True love is 10% chemistry and 90% hard work. We all have our individual shortcomings and very very few couples fit together automatically, and often its the "small" issues in life that "mess" a relationship up, like his stubborness about not texting you beforehand or your impatience over having to wait even just one minute more than had been agreed (I'm just exaggerating to illustrate a point, not referring to the actual situation yeah? :) )
I agree that you should try your best to grow as a complete individual who is not dependent on others for your happiness and emotional strength. Find your own completeness in the things that you do, that you think about and that you believe in. When you do this, even when a relationship fails, your life doesn't come to a standstill.
In the meantime, remain as friends with him and try your best to sort out whatever misunderstandings or conflicts there are between the two of you. Always talk things over where necessary and be willing to give-and-take, or call for a time-off when things get too stuffy or negative.
Finally, it takes two hands to clap. Both persons in the relationship need to be emotionally mature for it to succeed. While you can do your own best to become an emotionally mature and responsible person, you cannot force your boyfriend to do the same as the choice is entirely his. You must be mentally prepared for the worst case scenario that the relationship may not ultimately work out should he not want to put in his fair share of effort. Best wishes.
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