A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hello. I seriously need help. My boyfriend and I have been together for nearly two years. I am 26 and he is 25. At first, things were great. We got along really well and had lots of fun together. I knew he had problems in the past, and had done drugs before we met. But he assured me he wasn't into it anymore. So, I trusted him and after a year of dating, we got engaged. We were both saving money and planning to get married within the next five years. Then he began working a new job. At first, things were still the same. Then after a couple of weeks, he began hanging out with some of his new friends from work. He found that one of them can get weed for him really easily. So, of course, he had to buy some. I was a bit worried, but I trusted him to know when to stop.That was 5 months ago. Now he smokes it nearly everyday, sometimes up to 8 joints at a time. He lost his job, and has spent almost all of his savings on marijuana. I no longer recognize the man I'm in a relationship with. I can no longer have a decent conversation with him and he is so paranoid, he trusts no one. Not even me.He doesn't seem to care about me or this relationship anymore. He goes out to smoke and party with his friends and stays until 4 in the morning. I have no idea where he is, or what he is doing during this time. I get so frustrated with him, because I know this is NOT the man I fell in love with. He's assured me at least a dozen times that he will quit. And he never does. I know everyone says you cannot be addicted to marijuana, but it seems like he is. He gets so upset when he doesn't have it.So I'm at the point where I don't know what to do. I am completely lost. I don't know how it has gotten this bad in such a short amount of time. I love him and would do anything to help him. But I don't know how.Does anyone have any suggestions of how to help him? Or is this relationship beyond doomed?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2011): Hello again,
Me and my boyfriend have since broken up. I tried talking to him in hopes of saving our relationship but he didn't seem interested in making things better. In fact, he seemed completely unconcerned. His actions confused me until I found out he had been cheating on me for the past several months with an old "friend" of his, who is a heavy drug user. She also has the reputation of sleeping with anyone who will have her so it's not really surprising. I feel like such an idiot for not seeing this sooner.
But anyway, I just wanted to say thank you for all the replies and advice.
A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (10 March 2011):
 In short, you can't help your drug addicted boyfriend when he doesn't want to help himself. He doesn't want to change for the better, in fact he probably wouldn't even know how.
Your boyfriend is the one who needs serious help. At most, you can stage an intervention with his family(if they're around, care, and will cover the cost of rehab) and give him an ultimatum. Either he goes to rehab or you're done with this relationship. That is if you can do that. Be prepared to walk if he does choose the drugs over you.
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A
female
reader, largentsgirl89 +, writes (10 March 2011):
 Being with someone who has a drug addiction or an addiction of any kind of really hard, because you feel that you can/should help them in anyway you can and you don't just want to abandon them. I'm sorry that you are going through this, your bf sounds like my older sister.
Who told you that a person can't get addicted to marijuana? Addiction to marijuana is very possible and is just as real as with any other drug.
THe main active chemical in marijuana is THC which is a psychoactive (mind altering) drug. Since your boyfriend is smoking joints, inhaling it, it goes rapidly from the lungs into the bloodstream and into the brain where brain receptors, in this case called cannabinoid receptors, start off a chain of cellular reactions that finally lead to the “high” that users experience. People become addicted to this high and want it more than anything, just like with any other drug addiction.
He isn't doing anything else besides marijuana? Is the marijuana laced with anything, do you know?
I don't know if you know any of that, but if you do, I'm not trying to lecture, just trying to help.
I learned the hard way that you can't help someone who doesn't want help and although you can stay and nag and try to change that person, it isn't going to work.
Perhaps you leaving will trigger him to say, "Hey, maybe I should quit smoking pot and get my life back on track."
I think it's time for you to go. He obviously has other plans on his mind right now than getting married, settling down and all that. He needs to get back on track and as much as i'm sure you want to help him, you can't, not unless he wants help, he won't get it.
Al-anon is a good idea. It helps people who have loved ones or people close to them that are addicts. Something maybe you should look into. Lots of information from them and you'll have a support group of people who understand what you are going through.
Sorry to hear that you are going through this, I hope this helps you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2011): Only an addict can decide to stop being an addict - that's the first thing you must realise.He is now watching his life, potentially, go down the toilet, and he's the one who's flushing it! You don't have to follow him down there.If it's possible to speak to him when he is unaffected by smoking cannabis (though I struggle to think when that might be), tell him your concerns and ask him to seek help.My strong advice would be to step away from this young man, offer to find him help, point him in that direction, then leave him to it. You could spend years finding him help, cleaning up after all the disasters and misery (and there will be plenty of those, believe me), but if HE IS NOT MOTIVATED TO CHANGE, nothing you say or do will make it happen.He is the addict, not you. He made the conscious decision (while free of drugs) to smoke cannabis again. Many people smoke cannabis in, I believe, a fairly controlled way, such that they are still functioning members of society. Your fiance is not one of these people, his drug habit is spiralling out of control.You are not abandoning him, you have offered your support. It's up to him now.If it were me (admittedly easy for me to say, because I am not in the situation), I like to think I would have the strength to find him some resources for help, but then walk away.My concern for the future would be, even if he gets clean again, who's to say he won't just go back to it again? I don't think you should stay with this young man if you want to have a happy life.I wish you strength, peace and happiness.
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (10 March 2011):
Hi there. He doesn't seem to want to go off the cannibis does he?
If he really intended to, he would have done so ages ago.
He is making promises he can't keep.
The more he sees these people he goes out with, he is just tempted to smoke pot every single time.
It really doesn't seem like he is going to stop anytime soon.
I think you are just going to have to have a serious think about what it is you really want from the relationship.
I believe your only option is to end it. You deserve better than this.
He doesn't deserve you. You are too good for him.
You've given him far too many chances to clean up his act, and he hasn't done so.
Do yourself a favour and tell him goodbye. Best wishes.
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A
female
reader, cupidus  +, writes (10 March 2011):
 You help you first. Go attend an AlAnon meeting.That's first. In that meanwhile, his addiction is his alone. Until youget clear any amount of nagging, demanding, threatening is not going to help.It's not doomed, it's just in high velocity trouble.Read up on co-dependence and get into some of your own issues.Hang on and if you need safety find it.
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