A
female
age
51-59,
*wendymix
writes:Im In a realationship,living together.We were married and together for 3 yrs.He broke my heart.I never got over him.25 years later(recently)he contacted me on facebook-Both of us married living an hour apart.Both miserably unhappy...He left his wife first,my marrige ended shortly after as well.He is still going through hid divorce,she is being difficult to say the least,I didnt expect less.Shes dragging this out for many reasons.His kids 17 and 19 have cut him out of their lives totally.My problem is I keep looking at him and thinking HE threw me and our life together away,I really wanted to have kids with him.I feel robbed by her and him as well.I hate that they even exist sometimes.I feel horrible sometimes because I know he misses them,but dont know how I would feel if they were to come around.I have loved this man for over half my life and am starting over with him at 45 is sheer bliss most of the time but at other times the past haunts me.I realize people make mistakes and we are fortunate to have found each other again,in love and happy.I get so jelious thinking of him with his ex and them having kids,vacations,holidays ect.It gives me a sad sick feeling.Should I hold on tight or run like the wind?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2011): This man destroyed u 25 years ago, now he has destroyed his wife and kids (and you think his wife and kids are a problem).
What's to say that he won't destroy u again.
I am glad his kids want nothing to do with him. After all he destroyed their family unit.
When people cheat and the lovers get together in the hopes of a normal life, it almost never works out. Why? Bec they are so used to the sneaking around and the illicit, that they cannot maintain a proper relationship.
I cannot understand why u hate his wife and kids, after all they are the ones who have been destroyed by your affair. You now have your married man so why still so unhappy. Maybe bec you have a timeline for this relationship. Perhaps u know that within the next 2 years this will really be the testing times.
Whatever happens u need to come to terms about how u reconnected with your lover and his decision to leave his wife and kids for you. You should be celebrating that he left his wife, instead u are bitter and miserable.
Food for thought?
LoveGirl
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2011): Don't let the past haunt and ruin your present. You got back with the love of your life. OK he had a life, wife, kids, they are part of his story. You need to decide to accept him together with his past, as a package. Would you leave him now? You still would not have your own children and someone important to you would be gone. Life is about compromise and I would try and concentrate on what you have, not what you don't.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2011): I'm not surprised you're confused, I'm sure he is too ... You have both just left unhappy relationships, and you are both still reeling from that. You both need time to heal from the breakdown of your respective relationships. If you want your new relationship to have a chance of working, you must take a step back, give him time to sort out the situation with his ex-wife and his children. Don't lose sight of the fact that, if he is any kind of father, his children MUST come first, before you, and before his ex-wife. They are his priority, and you cannot reasonably expect to be his primary concern at this time.As for your jealousy of his ex and his having shared a life with her and had children with her - grow up! You moved on, you had a relationship ... what's the difference? There's nothing anyone can do about the past, but you can certainly ensure that the present and the future are as good as you can make it.This is an opportunity to make a better life, don't poison it by conjuring up hatred for a woman you don't even know. Remember, he left you first time around - that was nothing to do with his ex-wife.You say you've loved this man for half your life - how can that be the case when you haven't known him for half your life? People change, you have no idea who he has become, and that is why you must be very cautious, and the same applies to him - he also needs to apply the brakes.I've heard so many stories of people who are "re-united" on some social networking site, only to discover that they are now very different people than when they first met. Very rarely is there a happy ending.So before you commit your heart and your energies to this man for a second time, take care of yourself and your own life first. Give him the space to sort things out with his ex and his children. Then, and only then, should the two of you embark on a relationship.I can hardly believe that two mature people cannot recognise this situation for what it is ... you are both on the rebound and hurting - this is not a stable foundation for a new relationship. Take your time.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2011): I had a husband who left for greener pastures. He left me with four little kiddies and never really looked back. He quickly remarried a much younger woman. She died after about 10 years. He and I then tried to reconcile, but I was not the same woman he'd originally married. I too had a broken heart, which was slowly mending. I'd gotten schooling, matured, had a nice job and was busy raising our family. He had not changed much in 10 years time. Then, he abruptly married another younger woman and drank himself to death. I had several chances to remarry but never loved another man as I did him. Now, the family is raised and gone. Yes, I get lonely at times but realize that the young love I shared in my marriage, for me, only comes around once in a life time. Can you move on in your life with the good memories and leave him in the Past? Maybe some professional counseling would help you - at least till the Past does not continue to haunt you? Then, decide if you want to "start over" with this man or run like the wind.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2011): You could always still have a child with him?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2011): It sounds as if hes made a mess of things not just for you but also for his ex wife and children. I hope you do get over the hurt and regrets hes caused you. Maybe you should try some counselling with him. If not, i cant see how you will ever be really happy.
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A
female
reader, GeeGee255 +, writes (10 March 2011):
 Would he be willing to adopt a child with you? There are many children age 5 and up in need of a good home since most young couples only want an infant. I think you need to be a mother in order to find peace in your heart. Otherwise your bitterness over the past will doom your future with this man as well.
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A
female
reader, bernergirl +, writes (10 March 2011):
 Oh this one is difficult. There are not a lot of easy answers here. But let's start from the past and move to the current. He got married just like you did, he decided to have children with his wife. This has nothing to do with you. You didn't cause this.
However if you are going to hold it against him, or if his kids are out of his life, there is a part of me that thinks this might come back and kick you in the behind. Nothing that you have done per say however, everything he had (with 3 or more people) is now completely out of his life. Its like quitting anything cold turkey (usually never works out)
If you really love him you need to get that family to function normally with you as a part of the family, otherwise animosity, jealousy, and everything else will give you a 10% chance of success.
I know that is difficult to hear and I hope it doesn't sound like its a lose/lose situation. But I think there are a few things you can try and understand that may make it easier for you. Why did you go backwards? In all my life once I have left or broken up with someone I do not go back. Nothing is ever good by going backwards. Because times have changed, most likely you have too. So it is difficult to pull off.
I would tell you to figure out what you want from this guy, is it the same? Do you want more kids? How do finances work, what are you looking for in this relationship? I know this is a little long and winding but I don't think there is anything wrong being a little jealous, but look past that and welcome his family (for the kids)have barbques bring them over and talk. Then you will know if its time to pull out the track shoes.let me know how it goew.
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