A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:She is 27 and I am 44. We met at work and were together 5 years through good and tough times. Just as it seems everything is finally settling down, as we can finally move on together,she dumps me saying its not working, a week before she moves into her own home.! She lived with parents until then and they knew nothing about us being together.Its been 8 months now and Im still not over it. We chat once a month, but mainly because I cant let go because I know we still got more to achieve together. She says she still loves me and that splitting up is still hurting her just as much as me. But if that was the case, if it was hurting her as much, then why are we still split up? She wont even consider getting back together.She wont have any physical contact with me, except a hug when she is really down, because she said if we kiss or have sex she would probably change her mind and get back with me. I know there is still something there, I can see it at times when she lets her guard down without realising it. But she then puts her guard back up as soon as she realises what she doing.I dont want anyone else, I cant think of anyone else. She was my world for 5 years then bam...its gone. There was no one else involved, its just she didnt want to tell anyone about us and because I didnt want to be a secret anymore, she walked.I want to wait it out, I know she will change her mind, but everyone else says she just used me for last 5 years. Its so hard to move on when Ive not had closure here, or want it.Waht am I to do?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2012): So she hid you away for 5 years, then dumped your ass when she got her own place! Sounds like she just had you there for when she needed you, and she dont need you now. She single with her own place, and at 27 she probably wants to play the field, and she can now. She strung you along. Karma will deal with her, but you need to get out there and find a woman who will treat you right
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (3 October 2012):
 There is nothing there. 5 years is a long time, the fact that she never let you meet family or friends is concerning… perhaps she was never as into you as you are into her.
“it’s been 8 months now and I’m still not over it” well that’s because you ARE NOT TRYING to get over it…. What are you doing to try to move forward and heal? Because by trying to make the relationship she does not want continue you show how selfish you are, how little you respect or love her….
“we chat once a month” honey she’s throwing you a bone to keep you from stalking her… GO NO CONTACT and work on yourself!
She says she loves you and she’s hurting because she does not want to hurt you… she probably cares about you and “loves you” but is not “in love with you” it sounds trite but it’s probably the truth…
“I know there is something there” WHAT IS it that you THINK is still there… what is it you think you have left to achieve with a woman who was so ashamed of you that she kept you a dirty secret for 5 years… hell if I like a guy I can’t keep it a secret from anyone for any length of time, even when I was married and seeing someone else EVERYONE knew about him…
What are you waiting out? What do you think will change in her mind? If you keep expecting the result to change when the actions are the same who’s the fool here?
YOU have closure… what do you need to move on?
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A
male
reader, Serpico +, writes (3 October 2012):
You need a shot of tough love. This woman just dumped your ass. She doesnt want to be with you, and has told you so. The "letting her guard down" BS is wishful thinking.
You need to cut it off with her 100%, and like yesterday. Do not waste your affections on a person who wont return them. You're a man in your 40s - trust me there are plenty of women in their 30s who would love to be with a guy who has their shit together.
Any single thought or feeling about this woman from this point forward is an investment with 100% loss. Time to be a man and find a woman who gives back what you give.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (3 October 2012):
 It's been 8 months, do you really want to live the rest of your life in somebody's back pocket? It always amazes me how people willingly waste the precious time they have on this planet.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2012): She didnt say to anybody about you for five years?? Everything was a secret..her secret..Probably she was just using you...then when YOU were ready to settle down she broke up with you...
Nothing to do with this...Move on. Think about yourself.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (3 October 2012):
 "She says she still loves me and that splitting up is still hurting her just as much as me. But if that was the case, if it was hurting her as much, then why are we still split up?"
Because being in a relationship with you obviously hurts her more than being broken up with you. She's thinking long-term you see. A heartache is a short term pain, it will pass. But if the relationship between you and her could not give her what she needed, it would make her hurt for years and years and years. Long-term pain. So she would rather suffer the short term pain of break up with you.
It's not to say you aren't a good guy, or you couldn't make her happy. But whatever was between the two of you, the relationship dynamic, it wasn't what she wanted to needed. It wasn't right for her. But that's not so say it wont be right for someone else, and it was something you felt were right for you too. It just wasn't right for her.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2012): The only chance you have of getting her back is to completely let go and cut all contact. Seriously if not having you in her life anymore doesn't show her how much she wants to be with you nothing will. At the moment you're broken up but she doesn't really have to deal with the break up pain because you're 100% hers and she knows it. She still has you but you don't have her. You're making it too easy for her to not come back to you because you still give her all she wants but are getting nothing in return.
You need to move on. It's the only play you have left, you've tried everything else.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (3 October 2012):
 I am not quite sure why people have told you that she has used you for the last 5 years...it seems a very negative statement that has no use but to incite hatred. You were in a loving relationship with her and she, you, so how is that using you?
As with any relationship, people fall in love and people fall out of love, it happens every day in every walk of human life and going on what you have said...she has just fallen out of love with you.
However, your statement 'I want to wait it out, I know she will change her mind' seriously worries me...seriously!!!
You have no proof that she will change her mind and if she does not want to be in a relationship with you anymore then that is her right to say 'NO'
I think it's wrong that she still hangs around you and you her. You are obviously co-dependant on some level and this is a very difficult thing. You allow it because you think it's the route to getting her back, but maybe she hangs on because she feels sorry for you, and having loved you once before she probably does not want to see you hurt.
I think she needs to stay away from you, so you have time to heal and accept that she has moved on, so perhaps you need to be pro active and refuse to see her?
(I know that probably won't happen from your end because you seem a little obsessed and are already thinking of manipulating her back into your life, hence listening to nasty statements from 'friends' and that is a very dangerous path to take)
Other than your acceptance that her 'no' means 'no' and her staying away from you I cannot see this situation getting any better for you.
I am sorry this happened to you. I personally don't have an issue with age-gap relationships but like all relationships, some will work out and some will not.
You have to let her go (but I know you won't, so I fear for her)
Good Luck
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (3 October 2012):
 Did she ever say WHY she did not want anybody to know about you ?...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2012): You need to let go and move on. She does not want this relationship any more. She may not be telling you the truth about why. But you don't need that. If someone does not want to be with you, you cant make them. The best thing you can do is take care of your feelings by moving on. It will be much easier if you cut off all contact with her.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2012): There a song 'secret love can never be your true love' and its true, I'm sorry to say in your case your gf has made a decision to have her life without you in it..I wouldn't keep hankering on, if she was going to have a reconciliation it would have been before the 6 month mark...Give her some space totally leave contacting her for say at least 6 months, look at your life start going out, go to the gym, get some new hobbies take care of you, and maybe if she see that you can and will move on without her it might change her mind, who knows its worth a shot.Take car
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