A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:ok here it goes, i've been with my wife for 13 years and we have a 7 year old son. when i met her it was with my buddy who met her the day before i did and he was ALREADY engaged to another girl. To make a long story short we all were friends and in 2 weeks in my apartment she and my buddy had sex on my couch and i witnessed the entire sex act, while i was in the other room. i felt sorry for the girl who is now my wife and in the next few days i told her the truth about my buddy which is didnt believe. so she went to his house, argued, he lied to her, she believed him and they had sex again, but he thought - because she spent the night at my house the day i told her the truth as she was waiting for him -, that we also had sex so their sex was a power angry sex and then he told her it was over because he thought she had sex with me which wasnt true. anyway she has had 3 sex partners not including my buddy. and i know each one of them because i used to own a business in her neighborhood. 1 of these guys was her first and it was a relationship that lasted 18 months, the 2nd guy told her he was with her but had his daughter's mom as his real girlfriend - she had sex with him about 3-4 times, when she found out that she was really the affair she left him, the other guy she only had sex with once, again another neighborhood guy. and then she met my ex buddy (we no longer speak). After she wasnt with my buddy i really started courting her because even though i disapproved of how she gave hersefelf over and over to these users i know that she is deep down a good person. during our long courtship 8 months, no sex at all and she was living with me because this time she wanted to wait!!!!! so i respected that and her no sex wishes although we did touching, kissing. However before she moved in, she worked in the port authority for her bank at a kiosk and behind my back went to lunch with one of the port authority police officers a few times and then supposedly was going out afterwork for dinner, he made a pit stop in queens, tricked her into going to his apartment to grab something he forgot and proceeded to attack her, rape her, she says that she resisted but finally had to lap dance dry hump him so he could cum so he would let her leave. Which he did and she had to find her way back to the bronx from queens on her own. after that incident which scared the hell out of her did she start in my mind to take me seriously. she moved in about 3 months after that and we have been together ever since. i became very successful on wall street then i got in trouble and lost everything including my freedom for 2 years she stuck by me the whole time and i built my life back up and are successful again. i had to give you this back drop to bring you to where i am mentally. i love her and i cant live without her, but i have sometime deep anger because i can put the faces with the names i know all the guys she was with except the cop that tried to rape her. also i visually saw her having sex with my ex friend and i mean [in detail] i watched her go up and down repeatedly until he came, i saw the entire thing and as a matter of fact before he did it, he told me he was gonna have sex with her and said he would let me see it, so as she was penetrated with her hands on his shoulders, he was moving the blanket up so i could see her bottom go up and down on him...me and my ex buddy were friends back then and i know she didnt have a clue that she was giving me a sex show but now that we're married during our entire relationship this really messes with my head . i can still this episode like it was happening right now. i see the couch that she was wearing and not wearing her head and ass movements all of it. and i get really depressed. her sisters hate me because i get mad and bring it up a lot. and i stress her out about it. i also get angry thinking about the other guys that she had sex with from the neighborhood im constantly remided of what she did as well. the other night i was in a bar and i guy that's a close friend of the second guy she had sex with that had the baby mother and my wife as the side girl says "hey didnt you used to date my [etc]?" now he doesnt realize that i ended up marrying her so i say "yes we actually have a 7 year old "etc.. and we change the uncomfortable conversation. this is the shit i have to deal with because i know the guys. i love her and she is good to me i know everyone says "just get over it" you're insecure, live for today but its hard because i have the visuals and i know the other guys. it's messing up my head more and more and it seems like its getting worse. i dont want to torment her about it, i want some advice from people that are going through what i am going through that's why i joined, please help me
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affair, depressed, engaged, her ex, insecure, kissing, lapdance, moved in, my ex, sexual past Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2007): Such great advice from all the Aunts on this page. Frankly, if you can't live with this knowlege, I think it's time for you to either get professional help for this obsessive thinking or tell her what's been bothering you. Because she doesn't deserve to live with a man who is disgusted with her. No woman deserves that. She needs a husband who raises her up, loves her for the woman she is today...his wife, the Mother of his son. This way of judging her will destroy your marriage if you don't stop this. You are a married man, aged 36-40, married to a woman who had jerks that treated her badly, in her past. So now here she is, committed to you in marriage where she has put her full trust and respect in you, as her husband..her life partner. The man who understands, who supports and loves her, irregardless. This is your biggest test to date, in the life of your marriage and I really hope that you don't fail. I hope you have the courage and strength to let this baggage go. I feel great empathy for her. She is, none the wiser, feeling safe and comfortable, hopefully happy with where you and she are in life. Now you are struggling and this could end up being the biggest disaster of your marriage if you don't get help. The past is over and it cannot be changed. This is life. Most of us come into a relationship with excess baggage, things we would like to change and experiences we wish had never happened. Why dwell on it. Your tenderness and love has the ability to heal this marriage and make you feel whole again. Don't waste this opportunity. It's a gift you can give her for the rest of your life together. She needs a husband who loves her for the woman she is today.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionsamauri rick,
i think you hit the nail on the head about some of what ive been feeeling she wasnt raped by the cop though, he made her grind on him until she came because she fought him off and wouldnt let her leave until he came i had to correct that i apologize if mistakenly i led people to believe she was raped, the cop tried to rape her , she fought him and wouldnt let her leave until she got on top of him and dry humped him until he came in his pants .i want to clear up another point as well, i didnt set her up with my ex buddy at all i didnt like what he was doing, but when he told me that he was gonna try to fuck her on my couch so dont come into the livingroom and said to me "yo man if you want to watch her ass you can because im gonna pull the blanket up so i could grab her ass while im fucking her" i didnt want to watch but im a guy and i did watch it when he was fucking her i wish i didnt now but i did and also there was no door between the living room and the room i was in anyone could have seen it if they were watching tv in the room like i was because there were no doors seperating the rooms it was open space, i just wanted to clear those points up maybe i wasnt specific in my original post for that i apologize, but thanks for the advice brother every little bit of advice im getting has got to help me, man i wish i had found this site so i could talk about it with people who have been through similar situations years ago. again thank you
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reader, SamuraiRick +, writes (18 December 2007):
 Okay, am I the only one to see the Big Elephant in the room?
The root of the problem here is not just her PAST but how she STARTED her relationship to YOU. She saw you as a father figure or guy who can rescue her and is still trying to rescue her from her tawdry past. When you dated her you say she didn’t sleep with you for six months…and that it was HER wish, not yours. DUHHH!!! That’s where the real problem started. She didn’t consider you as a lover, but as a friend who became her lover. She didn’t want you for sex, but your companionship and sex part was secondary for her …..This while you obviously know how from seeing first-hand how willing and quick she was to have sex with your bud….even when she had differences with him!
So what’s bothering you is her not treating you as a lover ….. She knocked boots with guys from around your neighborhood. She was a tramp in your eyes. When was she ever YOUR tramp? Were you ever her sex toy? You were her friend, her roommate, her fiancé, her husband and father to her child…where in your relationship to her were you her LOVER?
So deep down what missing here is that you wanted to be desired by her the way she desired these other guys…even the cop! You probably ask yourself if she would ever willingly do to you what she did with the cop unwillingly. You probably question your own self worth as a lover knowing that she waited so long for you!
Honestly, that’s what I question here. She does love you, and you know her love is proven…..but you ask yourself even now, if you were ever the object of her desires and lust. If you were absolutely confident in that, you wouldn’t even touch or let her past bother you. But it bothers you because what she had with those guys is something you never had. They milked the cow, and you were left with the less fun part of taking care of the cow and raising the calf.
So all I can say is, brother, this something you have to live with. And I also think you can use some professional therapy to get through this. I hope you come to terms with this and do not let it destroy your marriage.
GO to your wife and love her! Make her the object of her desires NOW and stop this nonsense. Make her feel special and make her feel happy that you are her one and only guy for her. Throw all this baggage away! Now do the right thing!
Peace out!
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTHANK AND GOD BLES ALL OF YOU FOR YOUR ADVICE I WISH I HAD FOUND THIS FORUM YEARS AGO, THE TRUTH HURTS BUT THTS WHAT I NEED TO LIVE MY LIFE WITH THE WOMAN I WORSHIP, AGAIN THANK YOU ALL FOR THE WORDS AND SUPPORT I WISH YOU ALL A SAFE A HAPPY HOLIDAYS AND NEW YEARS
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male
reader, Richard_EMids  +, writes (17 December 2007):
 Hey buddy - you know that this is totally illogical don't you! I know it's all real in your head right now. But it is totally and completely illogical. Are you allowed to have a sexual past? Yes you are. Is she allowed to have a sexual past? Yes she is. Don't most women have a sexual past? Yes they do. Did you and your mate play a trick on her? Yes you did. Did she have any bad part in that? No she didn't. Was her sexual past a problem to you 12-13 years ago? No it wasn't.
So when did these thoughts start to become a problem to you? When exactly did they start and get to the proportions they are now? Now you are getting close to what is really behind these thoughts. I know you are hurting and in torment but you cannot go on like this. If you can't deal them rationally then you do need some professional help. Depending on your finances and time available you either buy a self help book or go and see a Cognitive Behavioural Therapist. Both will do the same thing and that is to help you come to terms with what happened to you. You need to examine and face that problem, uncomfortable though it may be. This might involve going through every week before everything went wrong.
Meanwhile, don't raise it with her any more. Not one more time. You are going to destroy everything. She cannot give you any answer to change the past. All she can do is be with you now. She had your baby. But she cannot turn back the clock. History doesn't need to be changed. But your outlook does. Don't mention it again. If it bothers you go and work it out in the gym or on the pitch while you get this sorted out.
Work out the connection between these feelings and events in your life and you are on the way leaving this torment behind. This would have probably happened no matter which woman you were with. Same problem, different images.
Good luck
Richard
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reader, Samutsen  +, writes (17 December 2007):
 I understand your agony. Once one of my exes told me, when drunk, she had once (years before me) sex with the guy (whose dick was so small they could not do it on vagina so they did it anal) whom he met few hours ago. Apparently my ex was too young and too kind to please him. My ex had the naive idea that they could have an relationship (even though she did not feel his dick even in her back and even though this guy leaved in another country) so anyways, I really got extremely upset hearing this story upon knowing how 'naive' and misled and misused my ex was.
I got disgusted but I came to realize she did it not because she was bad but she was naive and young.
In the event she told me it took years to get over her own mistake of it and she felt disgusted with herself.
I mean, see, my brother, how I felt about this, and in your situation the case is more severe.
Anyways the point is, I did not of course dump her because of this reason, I felt pain I felt deep pain for her, I felt sorry for her and I got angry for her. But she was so nice and herself so sorry, I was able to overcome that situation.
Now lets face it. The fact is the things that you went through as regards your present wife is clearly ugly, dirty and wrong. But you have to take the responsibility of the fact that you were more guilty part, simply because she did not want YOU to watch the scene. It was your choisce and you have to take the full blame on yourself. Once you do it, on this score, it is not hard to overcome this visual problem. Imagine, how all of our girls friends in the past have been fucked, moaned, may be swallowed semen etc. But we did not see it, we know it might have happened but certainly we dont care much. So in your case it was you who chose to watch it, and certainly you just have to digest and extricate out of your mind the very problem you have created.
You are the guilty party here not her.
And whats more in an troubled neighborhood she was used, abused and probably herself made some wrong choices. So what, we also made mistakes you made greater mistakes.
But you know all along that she has been misled and misused and if she had a choice to be with you in the first place she would have been only with you.
Now life unfortunately is not perfect. We are all fallable humane beings abd brothers and sisters. You have made a great stride in your life by becoming successful and by being a family man. She stood by you. She did not repeat her past mistakes if she had made any and has been faithful to you. It is like born again person. I do congratulate both you and her for showing the courage and grace to hold on to each other. And I deeply feel you agony and your internal struggle. You have come a long way to make it here, you wont give it upon hearing few ugly accidental remarks.
When faced with those remarks which I understand is not deliberate you just have to face it with courage and you have to show that you know your wifes past, and you are proud to be with her and you will protect and defend her and your family to do end. This will teach the people around you and the neighborhood a great lesson in humanity and love.
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reader, Samutsen +, writes (17 December 2007):
I understand your agony. Once one of my exes told me, when drunk, she had once (years before me) sex with the guy (whose dick was so small they could not do it on vagina so they did it anal) whom he met few hours ago. Apparently my ex was too young and too kind to please him. My ex had the naive idea that they could have an relationship (even though she did not feel his dick even in her back and even though this guy leaved in another country) so anyways, I really got extremely upset hearing this story upon knowing how 'naive' and misled and misused my ex was.
I got disgusted but I came to realize she did it not because she was bad but she was naive and young.
In the event she told me it took years to get over her own mistake of it and she felt disgusted with herself.
I mean, see, my brother, how I felt about this, and in your situation the case is more severe.
Anyways the point is, I did not of course dump her because of this reason, I felt pain I felt deep pain for her, I felt sorry for her and I got angry for her. But she was so nice and herself so sorry, I was able to overcome that situation.
Now lets face it. The fact is the things that you went through as regards your present wife is clearly ugly, dirty and wrong. But you have to take the responsibility of the fact that you were more guilty part, simply because she did not want YOU to watch the scene. It was your choisce and you have to take the full blame on yourself. Once you do it, on this score, it is not hard to overcome this visual problem. Imagine, how all of our girls friends in the past have been fucked, moaned, may be swallowed semen etc. But we did not see it, we know it might have happened but certainly we dont care much. So in your case it was you who chose to watch it, and certainly you just have to digest and extricate out of your mind the very problem you have created.
You are the guilty party here not her.
And whats more in an troubled neighborhood she was used, abused and probably herself made some wrong choices. So what, we also made mistakes you made greater mistakes.
But you know all along that she has been misled and misused and if she had a choice to be with you in the first place she would have been only with you.
Now life unfortunately is not perfect. We are all fallable humane beings abd brothers and sisters. You have made a great stride in your life by becoming successful and by being a family man. She stood by you. She did not repeat her past mistakes if she had made any and has been faithful to you. It is like born again person. I do congratulate both you and her for showing the courage and grace to hold on to each other. And I deeply feel you agony and your internal struggle. You have come a long way to make it here, you wont give it upon hearing few ugly accidental remarks.
When faced with those remarks which I understand is not deliberate you just have to face it with courage and you have to show that you know your wifes past, and you are proud to be with her and you will protect and defend her and your family to do end. This will teach the people around you and the neighborhood a great lesson in humanity and love.
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male
reader, jm81690  +, writes (17 December 2007):
 Yeah I can see where you're coming from, if I had a wife who'd been treated like that I'd have a hard time forgetting about it too.
My best advice would be to check out theropy.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTHANK YOU FOR THE ADVICE
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you brother i appreciate your help, its hard for me because i love her and take care of her and these guys just used her and never did anything for her but use her body and take her money and ruined her credit(rntl cars never paid for etc.) They never did and couldnt even buy her a slice of pizza if they wanted too you know what i mean bro? It just hurts but hopefully ill get the answers from good people like you to deal with it and live my love with her
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2007): Is your wife not allowed a sex life before she met you? Were YOU a virgin when you met her? Maybe your exs aren't all over town, but you should certainly be able to understand the pre-relationship, people are allowed to engage in whatever they please, and you have no right to infringe on this right. Why does it bug you so much that YOU took a scuzbag friend's invitation to watch sex- how is it HER fault that you invaded an intimate moment? you seem to be disturbed by these images and omnipresent men because you're threatened by them and that she's going to go back to her 'sexual ways' but these sexual acts took place YEARS ago, and I don't understand why she seems to still be a tramp in your eyes. If you keep emphasizing these incidents you're likely bringing up trama, too, from that police/rape incident, as women tend to blame themselves. If you love her, you will let go of this judgment, go see a counselor and figure out why you feel the need to control your woman's past sexuality.
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reader, jm81690 +, writes (17 December 2007):
Well you can't really hold it against her than you saw her having sex with your ex-buddy when she wasn't even aware of it at the time, but I can definatley see how that would mess with you.As for the guy's that slept with her, the odds are you're going to see them around from time to time, that you'll just have to deal with.You can't really hold this stuff against her, if I were you I'd be upset about it too, but it's not like she had a commitment to you prior to doing all this shit.I think you should look into theropy man, if you don't stop thinking about your wife having sex with other people and don't stop feeling betrayed you're probably going to have some sort of a breakdown.
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