A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My wife of 8 years with two kids asked me what she should do about her male friend who told her he love her. He said he knows she is married and she can't help him, but he can't stop thinking about her. He loves to talk the whole day with her.For me this was not unexpected because I knew his intentions from the beginning. My wife always defends him by saying it is just friendship and it doesn't matter as far as she is clean. I told her repeatedly to distance herself from him. I even doudt if he seriously loves her. She says it is not her responsibility for him to fall in love with her.My stand is she has to keep him away. But I know she can't buy this idea. She thinks he is a good guy and aware of the fact that she is married and she can't help him the way he wanted. At the same time she doesn't want to hurt him much by staying away. I don't want to argue with her. She is asking me what shall she do. I really want her to totally close him off. I believe she should not let him call her or plan to meet her exclusively as before. I'm not sure if this is the right thing. Please help me/her decide how to handle this situation. I don't want her to judge me being jealous. I want to do the right thing. We have a good relationship and sex life. I really trust her only I believe she is being naive and/or wanted the attention. Please advise me/us. Thank you.
View related questions:
her ex, jealous, sex life Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2011): You are right to protect your relationship with you wife...All it takes is for him to catch her in a very, very vulnerable moment and take advantage of her when she least expects it....She may not be aware of the danger but once a man is sexually interested or otherwise she needs to be careful...Talking the whole day with her is not good for your own relationship...he may start to rope her in emotionally without her being aware of it...Try not to get into arguements with her, but try and discuss how you feel in a loving mature way....talk to her about how you feel , dont accuse her so she does not go on the defensive, hence not listening....This is a time when you have to be the best husband you can be...so she doesnt go confiding her problems in him...Try and spend quality time with her so she does not have 'all day' to talk to him...
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (31 January 2011):
 No, I don't think she's naive and I don't appreciate her trying to rub it in your face after you repeatedly told her your opinion. I think she's trying to provoke your jealousy. She doesn't like your cool response so she is trying again and again until you blow up. You have to be the man and show her that your feelings can't be controlled.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2011): try to help her understand why you feel she should cut off contact with him.right now she may feel it's harmless. BUT if this situation gets prolonged, it can slowly and gradually become less harmless.....so it's wise to nip the problem in the bud because it would be easier to do it now than after it gets more complicated.secondly, the longer she allows her friend to see her and indulge his feelings for her because she returns some attention to him, the harder it will be for him to move on from her. Thus this is being cruel to her friend. If she is his friend and cares about him, she will know that nothing can come of his feelings and thus it's kinder to cut off contact with him now at an early stage than for him to indulge his feelings for longer and let them grow stronger and then not be able to pursue her.third, you are her husband and she should respect your wishes on certain issues especially those that threaten your relationship. Even if things don't develop further with her friend, since you've stated that you feel very bothered by this, her continuing their friendship could grow into a wedge between you and her in your marriage.
...............................
A
female
reader, natasia  +, writes (30 January 2011):
 Well, first of all, it is great that she is telling you about this. She obviously very much loves and trusts you, and doesn't find this guy's declaration even remotely threatening to her relationship, or tempting in any way - she just doesn't know what to do with him. That she is asking you makes me almost think she wants you to take the responsibility away from her for saying 'just cut him out'. She would feel mean doing that, but if she is doing it because you have demanded it, she has an excuse for doing it.
I think you should tell her how much you love her, and how you understand this guy - but how she is yours, and he needs to understand that. One part of me quite likes that idea someone had of having him over to dinner! Then you and she (or she, with your support) can explain to him that he is welcome as a friend, but nothing more.
Or, she should just do what all women usually do in this situation (man makes advances but woman doesn't want him) - she should tell him 'thanks - that's great - but I am madly in love with my husband, and i don't love you' - and then she should cut down her contact with him quite severely for the next few months, and then eventually he will cool it.
She is naive, and she wants guidance. Give her it. Maybe a combo - have him round, then tell him how much you love each other, then cut him.
The quickest and easiest way, though, is her just telling him no and then not having much to do with him.
And if she thinks that's mean - well, it is meaner to keep seeing him and showing him what he can't have, and preventing him from moving on and finding someone of his own ...
...............................
A
female
reader, ShiShisAdvice  +, writes (30 January 2011):
 You have all the answers, and you just stated them in your post. Your wife, should not have ANY male friends that have her personal contact information, phone, email, etc. You are right, she just needed that "outside" attention, so you need to step it up big time. As a woman ages she needs to feel she is still desirable and that's your department. And of course, as a man, you know, he only likes her because he cannot "have" her, or can he? That's the game he is playing in YOUR marriage. So end it. If you have to call him and tell him directly which is what this type of person needs, then so be it. No contact with this guy is the instruction you should give to your wife. Someone posted that your wife "trust" you that's why she told you hah! She wants to see a fight! We call a guy like that "smarmy" and makes for a poor husband. O! and tell your wife, if she does give in, he will not have the balls to take on a family that is not his. She'll see. Sounds like you are a good guy, no worries, there is a woman waiting who will take great care of your kids and won't have flirtations at the office! If you're not in luv, and tired of being played call her bluff! Let her go, but keep the kids of course.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2011): Thank you all guys for your advice. I appreciate the fact that she told me, though she told me after so much pressure from my side as to the nature of their friendship. I never liked it.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2011): Why not invite the guy over for dinner?
You get to see with your own eyes what his intentions are.
The invitation from you (via his wife) will makes it clear to him that you (and her) think of yourselves as a formal couple. He will probably keep his distance if you he sees you that way.
You're wife is being incredibly honest with you when a lot of other woman wouldn't be. Office friend is usually how affairs start. She trusts you very much, that's why she's asking. Please appreciate her for that even if this an annoyance to you.
...............................
A
male
reader, Abass Abassi  +, writes (30 January 2011):
Dear,
For God sake don't say u dont want her judge u being jealous. what u say! it is amazing man. she should realize that u feel jealous and that u should, u can't allow anyone telling ur wife i love u and u keep ur mouth shut, watching a clapping for that coz u r afraid she may think u r jealous.
I don't blame that guy, i am sorry but i will have to say, that ur wife is reproachful/blamed here not him... everyone will love ur wife but doesnt mean she should have contacts with him in fear of not hurting him. She should respect ur feelings not others. u r the priority not other people.
U tell her, imagine if same case is with her, then how would she feel like (a girl loves u for example).
My suggestion to u is that, don't be afraid; sit and talk to ur wife and tell her about ur feelings, how bad u feel if she contacts or meets him. Tell her boldly that her such silly and naive actions may ruin ur marriage. Tell her with courage and tell her everything seriously, don't don't be afraid she will mind it.
Bear in mind one thing, trust is much much much important in one's life. God not willing if ur trust is once away from her, then whatever she does, it will never be brought back and will be like a black spot on ur heart. Much better to talk to her and tell her everything now before it gets late. it is in its innitial stage and don't let it be too late.
U can solve that problem if u talk to ur wife seriously and don't care if she minds, tell her clearly that her such actions hurt u, and she should consider it and give u priority on others.
One of my friends, Abella rightly said “Being in love can lead to situation where a person can be blinded to the truth, because they do not want to see the truth”.
Best
Abass Abassi
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2011): Chill out. You wife has had an offer from another man and she has chosen you. That's pretty cool.
You should assist her to continue to make that choice. So you Number One priority is not to be a prick, not to get in a big argument and have her think the grass might be greener on the other side.
This would be a good time to remind your wife why she chose you. To take her out to dinner, to do the things she likes, to feel like a woman and not just a mother.
You should assist her by putting your concerns that he isn't sincere. That you don't think he really loves her, and his only aim is to get in her knickers. That inviting her girlfriends to meetings with him would go a long way to ensuring his sincerity.
You can of course say that you think leaving off all contact would be best for her and him, as it would cause the least pain all around. But you can't insist on that without breaking Priority Number One above.
Women aren't stupid about emotional stuff like this. If you ask what she wants to do rather than what you want her to do then you may well find she has thought things through more than you expect. She was probably sounding out your views rather than seeking advice.
Finally, in Australia women aren't chattels. They're pretty much free to make their own decisions and mistakes. So to be frank, your view doesn't count for much. Being a great guy who makes his wife laugh and remember good times is the best way to retain your relationship.
...............................
A
male
reader, Kilcardy +, writes (30 January 2011):
I gotta tell ya, this guy has some balls saying that sort of thing to your wife. In most places in the world, hitting on someone's wife can get a guy seriously hurt. It's a blatant interference in your marriage by this clown. And, yes, your wife is being naive. She's playing with fire allowing a guy like this to stay in her life and --unwittingly -- in your marriage. Horny men are persistent buggers. He will keep at it and at it until he gets what he wants. And your wife is giving him the time to accomplish his goal by spending significant alone time with him. Then your wife will be crying the blues about how "confused" she is about her "feelings" and how she didn't mean to hurt you and on and on bla bla bla. You can read these sorts of horror stories ad nauseum on this site about men and women completely screwing up their lives chasing their phantom "feelings" for someone who couldn't hold a candle to their spouse. It's such a familiar story and one that is so easily avoided if only people respected certain boundaries.
What guy in his right mind goes around telling a woman that he loves her knowing that she's happily married? This is clear line-crossing by this guy, which your wife implicitly approves and encourages. Friends don't do this sort of thing to friends. This isn't a friendship, so much as it is an emotional affair (assuming this a**hole hasn't bagged your wife yet).
It may not be your wife's responsibility as to whether this guy "falls in love" with her (although, I question her logic), but it is certainly her responsibility to make your marriage a priority. But, you say your relationship is "good". Obviously it ain't that good in that she feels the need to spend time with another man who is professing his love for her. I think you are certainly within your rights as her husband to ask your wife not to spend any time with this guy. His intentions are clear. Why your wife can't honor such an eminently reasonable request from you is a bit of a puzzle and a red flag that maybe you're kidding yourself about how "good" your relationship with your wife really is. I wish you all the best.
...............................
A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (30 January 2011):
 I think you need to do your best to be supportive of her and not focus on how right you were. Do you know guy's intentions better than she does? Absolutely. Perhaps she'll realize that, but right now that's not what she needs right now.
What you need to talk to her about is what would be the best way for her to get over feelings like this if she had them. Discussing how you would handle it if it were happening to you is the best way to make her see that distancing herself is actually what he NEEDS right now. When we develop unrequited feelings for someone, the only way past them once confessed is time and space. He really needs that distance or his feelings are not going to be resolved.
Helping her realize this on her own is key. If you just put your foot down, she's going to feel like you're telling her what to do and you just don't trust her. Remember, it's HIM you don't trust, so don't take that out on your wife. Good luck!
...............................
A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (30 January 2011):
You already told her what to do. Just tell her you are not interested in hearing from him again. She doesn't need your input. She is still his friend because she's interested.
This is the answer if you are conventional and monogamous. There are men who are turned on when cuckolded. You are probably not like that.
Personally, if she were my wife I would tell her to do whatever makes her happy.
I am aware there can be many options to what you should do.
You can suggest to meet with this guy. If he's just a 'friend,' your wife shouldn't exclude you.
She is free to meet her friends, although you should be the priority, the alpha male in her life. If you feel like you don't get enough time from her, you have the right to complain.
Prepare for the worst, if she really did cheat, then ask her, "what does he have that I don't?"
Find out if she feels neglected in this relationship that she needs to find an outside fix. You may feel like you are doing a lot already but she may think it's still not enough. The female and male brain works differently. You have to constantly check up on the relationship to see if she is happy.
If that doesn't solve the problem, sometimes you have to accept maybe humans just need variety. There is never an excuse to cheating but if you find that the desire to taste different people is in you, then you are in for a serious talk with your wife. A good sex life is not immune to temptation to try out other people. Your wife is desired by the fact that she is married, as if a married woman has more value than a single woman. To be fair, your wife also has to accept that you are attracted to other women. If she's not okay with that, then the relationship is over.
...............................
|
