A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hello, my wife and i have being married for 4 years, i just found out she had a hymen reconstruction, i though we where both virgins now am stuck between a rock and a hard place.. I feel like cheating on her for what she did to me.what do you think i should do?
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male
reader, aresu  +, writes (4 September 2011):
 i really cant understand the logic of the people who are defending your wife. she lied to you and made you think of her as something she isnt, and you fell in her trap and fell in love with her. she didnt do any "sacrifice" for you, she did it for herself, she used deception to get what she wanted and sripped you of your right to look for someone that fitted your criteria, oh and dont cheat, dont be a jerk just because she is, dont lower yourself to her standard. and divorce her as quickly as you can, and go looking for a new girl who you can fall in love with the real her, and not an illusion she made of herself.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2011): Accept what she did and divorce her, then move on.
She lied, She betrayed you, She lied to you and infront of god at the wedding noless.
Your relationship was built on lies from her and now you no longer trust her so your relationship is as good as dead.
Now things will only get worse for you.
The longer you stay with her the more money you will need to pay her in alimony when you get divorced. So far you only need to pay her 4 years worth of alimony.
GET A DIVORCE NOW while you still can afford it.
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female
reader, Abella +, writes (24 April 2011):
 Your christian beliefs on Virginity Are a key core issue for you, and so she should have recognised this factor as non-negotiable if you and her became a couple.
I am assuming that you were a bonafide virgin.
So this betrayal would weigh heavily on you. If you still love your wife, and still want to keep her in sickness and in health, but are so very very hurt by this betrayal then you may need to try to resolve what are your options, by discussing these very vexing issues with your priest.
Are there any circimstances that may allow you to forgive your wife?
If you cannot forgive your wife then you know in your heart that infidelity will not make it better.
And if forgiveness is not an option then your simmering resentment will poison this relationship further.
Talk to your Priest first. Then if you and your Priest think it would help get some quality Christian couples counselling
The circumstances when you discovered that she had enjoyed sexual relations with men, while at college would have sickened you.
Whereas you remained a virgin mentally and physically throughout your life, until you married.
Now you feel so devastated that you have even thought (but would not do - due to the ten commandments) of infidelity.
But i wondered about some issues- who told you that she had slept with other men - her, or someone malicious?
Is there any chance that her hymen was no longer intact for a reason other than having sex with a man?
Most girls who are bonafide 100 percent guaranteed virgins break their own hymems when they insert their first tampons, which are a product that allows normal life to continue, like swimming etc .
Occasionally a woman can have an accident that results in the loss.
And of course teen boys probing with fingers results in a loss of virginity without ant thrust from a penis.
Some women are born with very incomplete hymens that are barely there but are still bonafide virgins.
When did she get the operation done? Before you met her or after?
And who suggested to her that her hymen was broken? A doctor, or her own belief?
And who suggested the operation? Well meaning family pressure or something else?
If she got the operation done after you met, then that suggests that she liked you sooooo very very much, but knew she would lose you over the state of her hymen.
And maybe even explaining how she lost her intact hymen was something she was too scared to raise with you?
I hate to think how painful an operation it must have been. But obviously very important to her.
I do hope the first four years of your marriage were happy. And that you have some good memories? Would some Christian counselling sessions help deal with the pain you are feeling?
No one likes being betrayed or duped. This must be a very difficult burden for you.
How is your wife coping? The possible imminent loss of you from her life must be just as devastating for her.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2011):
Christians are taught to forgive those who are truly sorry.
Christians are not taught to give up their right to respect & fair treatment.
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female
reader, DenimandLace44 +, writes (23 April 2011):
 Ok, I'm sorry that we made you feel like the bad guy here. That wasn't the intent. She was wrong, and she should have given you this information BEFORE the wedding. I am not condoning her behavior. I do think she did what she did to try to be what you wanted.
Think about this long and hard, and if you don't believe you can get past it then you need to make some hard decisions. I just wanted you to see things from another perspective.... After all that's what this forum is all about. I wish you good luck and happiness.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionLook i appreciate every one here tryna help me, bt just because i thought abt cheating THOUGHT am the same o guys are cheats criteria most ladies have put me here. the fact is most of the posts are making it out to seem like my wife gave me a heart transplant or a liver. And am the unpreciative male bastard of "her sucrifice"
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (23 April 2011):
 I can't tell you how many guys who answer questions written by women regarding their devastation about finding out that their men either lied about porn or they found out that he watches it regularly answer women by saying "99% of men watch porn and the other 1% is lying. Get over it".
Yes, I admit that I assumed that he has indulged in porn secretly, but I didn't make an uneducated hypothesis.
Usually, a Christian guy who has a strong desire to remain pure and derives his self-importance and very identity by remaining pious. Such a man, upon hearing that their wives were "tainted" would immediately have thoughts of leaving her. He would brand her as "dirty, unclean" or other harsher names for her. He would consider it dirty to stoop to her level or indulge in such "sin". He would disdain any such act of sexual uncleanness, even in himself.
This guy's mind went right to thoughts of cheating in order to get his "revenge". This from the mind of a Christian who expected his wife to be a virgin before marriage. It's a paradox that his reaction to hearing about his wife's uncleanness was to go out and seemingly get revenge by doing what he's always been tempted to do but held back due to his religion. Where would he get such ideas and indulge such secret temptations?
If he can truthfully say that he's not a porn watcher and tell the truth before his God, then I will immediately apologize to him and stand corrected. But I don't think I'm wrong based on where his mentality immediately went to after he learned of his wife's deception.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2011): Yes YouWish, let's just ASSUME he watches porn. Because men are all the same. Just like single young men always sleep with any woman they can, right?
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female
reader, llifton +, writes (23 April 2011):
 man, you asked for advice. if you already know how you feel, and aren't interested in outsiders differing opinions, why waste your time asking for it? unless everyone agrees with you and says "off with her damn head", or "lynch her," it sounds to me as though you're not interested in hearing about it. sounds to me as though you just need someone to vent your anger to, and keep their mouth shut, not anyone to express their opinion.
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (22 April 2011):
I'm not diminishing deception, and that's a pretty big deception, especially if you were also a virgin. You saved yourself for marriage, and you expected that the woman you met would have also likewise saved herself as well.As a Christian, I do understand that. However, as a Christian, the question begs - what would Christ do? He forgave an adultress caught in the very act. He puts up with Christians being unfaithful to God every day and still forgives. Let me ask you this: Does your wife know you watch porn? Does she know that you've lusted in your heart at other women? I would suggest you measure your anger at her deception while thinking about the things you've done that your wife would be devastated knowing that you've done.That's the problem with religion - it makes people throw away what's really valuable and what should really be cherished. Talk with your wife. Go to counseling together.. Both of you be honest with each other. Like I said before, if you can't forgive her for lying to you, then the marriage is over before any divorce papers have been signed.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2011): The OP did not march his fiance down to the local hymen reconstruction surgeon and demand that she get this done before the wedding. She did it herself to trick him into marrying against his beliefs. Face it people, the OP is not at fault here no matter how much some of you might want him to be. As for women feeling lost without self-esteem in their college years? Whatever. As if young men don't ever feel lost at that age? As if men don't struggle against self esteem problems and turn to sex to cope? As if men aren't pressured by both men and women to have sex when they're single? I'm sorry that things aren't easy for women at that age, but they're not any easier for young men. It doesn't excuse tricking someone else to avoid the consequences of your choices.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHaha funny it seems am the bad guy here, am NOT. She decieved me, and just because i thought abt cheating doesnt mean i will. Am nt muslim am christian@you wish i dnt need your sympathy, half the posters here have never being in my shoes and ofcourse the lady posters well i new id get the its the past am so selfish immature answers. FACT is she should have given me the choice before we got married. No she didnt do it for me she did it for her self.
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male
reader, dirtball +, writes (22 April 2011):
 Definitely don't cheat. I don't like her deception, because she likely knew how important this was to you, so for her to falsify this shows little respect for you or your wishes.
I'm curious as to WHY she had the hymen reconstruction. Was it so she could prove her virtue to you, or was it for herself? Women I've seen speak about this procedure often do it for their own religious reasons. It's like being reborn, or reclaiming that which was lost. Personally, I don't believe a hymen makes a virgin, so that surgery is pointless, but to some it's a way to motivate themselves to make better life choices, or keep their virtue from the point of their spiritual rebirth.
The lie your wife told you was wrong OP. Remember, two wrongs don't make a right. If you don't feel you can forgive her, then you need to file for divorce and/or and anullment.
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female
reader, DenimandLace44 +, writes (22 April 2011):
Excellent answers YouWish. This woman wanted to be what you wanted so bad she went thru a painful surgery...and the pain of a a broken hymen just for you...and you want to cheat on her now? Come on Poster, this woman regrets her past and loves you. I seriously doubt you would ever find another woman who would go thru that kind of pain to please you. You are considering hurting her and throwing her away? She shouldn't have lied but she did it because she loved you. Think about it before you lose/throw away this treasure.
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (22 April 2011):
Heh, I was almost right about #3, but I should have changed the beginning to "Your religion".I don't believe in lying, but I have zero sympathy for you. It's a crime that people like you are responsible for a woman feeling like she has to mutilate her genitals or be treated like garbage, especially when the chips are down and suddenly, you're not "all about your religion". You chuck your religion away when it suits you. In most religions where virginity is demanded of its women, adultery is an even more serious offense.Quite simply, if you feel you can't be married to her, then break it off and set her free. You'll most likely be doing her a favor, because I'm guessing that your future treatment of her will match your attitude.No, I don't think she should have lied to you. She should have stood up for herself and her college choices. Your attitude towards demanding bridal virginity, which matches many other people who go so far as to subject women to humiliating physical examination to verify virginity, is damaging to women. You may have been a virgin, but how would she have known if you weren't? Why aren't men held to the same standard? Why are women set at value and considered worthless if they've had sex? Don't you love a woman for the woman's sake? She has not cheated on you. She is faithful to you. She committed no crime against you except lying about her virginity, and my heart breaks that she felt she has to do that or risk ostracism, rejection, beatings, or even honor killing. It's this same attitude and pressure on women that, not in your case I hope, but it demands that a woman's labia be sewn shut or have their clitoris removed in order to "discourage unfaithfulness". I think that if a man were to have their penis removed, they would immediately jettison such an injustice.I have a revolutionary idea. How about you LOVE your wife for her sake, and not because you got to rip out her hymen? If you can't love her, if all of her love, support, and faithfulness means nothing to her, I suggest you let someone else do what you can't.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2011): Most of the responses you will receive here are too biased against your position to be useful. Your wife tricked you about something that was very, very important to you. And yet most of the people giving answers sound more upset at you for feeling betrayed about it. That makes no sense and it shows no sympathy for you. These kinds of answers are just telling you whatever they think will make things go easiest on your wife. They don't really care about your rights and feelings. I suggest you disregard anyone who takes this attitude. I would like to see a good outcome for both you and your wife but that means you must be shown equal respect with her. "Equal respect" does not mean ignoring wrongs committed against you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2011): Is cheating part of your religion too? Is it acceptable in your religion to cheat? I doubt it is so get that thought out of your mind. I assume your faith is Islam seeing as hymen reconstruction is pretty much the norm for Muslim women.Find out why she lied because if you ask me, if she got hymen reconstruction and she held onto this lie just to make you her husband then I see that as a good thing.Don't give us a load of crap about your religion OP, you were considering cheating so you're not exactly a paragon of virtue yourself are you? No you're human just like she is. Your god gave us humans the ability to choose, gave us the ability to make mistakes so we can atone for those mistakes. If this woman went to all that trouble to make sure you would marry her then she is a woman who will do anything for you, who loves and bore a horrible secret and went through the pain of having her hymen broken a second time. All for you. In every religion the most important apsects are always faith, loyalty and forgiveness. Every religion has that so you can't just pick and choose when that suits you.She betrayed your trust yes, but if she told you the truth would you have married her? No, so she did what she had to, so you wouldn't reject her. That is the ultimate act of loyalty and faith. So you have to show her true faith, you have to faithful to your own beliefs and find a way of forgiving her because if she's been a good wife to you, if she's been loving and loyal, then she has already atoned for her mistake and it is not your place to punish her for it.Besides other than this, do you have any other reason to think she will not be a good wife to you? Because if you don't and you lose a good woman because of this then it is you who will lose out.
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female
reader, FluffyPie +, writes (22 April 2011):
 "I feel like cheating on her for what she did to me.what do you think i should do?" - This sounds so immature. Her past shouldn't bother you, you have nothing to do with her first time sex or the other men she's been with. Does that make you love her less ? And she probably had good reason to lie to you (or hide the truth)."When we met she new what i was all about my religion even before it got serious." - See ? Sometimes we lie in order to make the others happy. Just enjoy your life with her. As long as she's faithful to you now, why would you want to ruin it, by taking revenge and cheating ? I don't think it would be fair to her. If she cheated on you during your marriage, then the best solution would have been the break up. But playing such games, like cheating on her in exchange for what she did IN THE PAST, it's just not right. After 4 years of marriage, you guys should be able to communicate efficiently (not just plain talk).
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male
reader, Hugh.J  +, writes (22 April 2011):
 What the hell is there to be upset about?The past is where it belongs: in the past. What she or you did then is orrelevant and immaterial. What matters is do you love each other? If yes, then stop being a wuss and have a happy life together.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThe simple truth is she slept around in her college years with her ex's. When we met she new what i was all about my religion even before it got serious. What she did was unforgivable
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female
reader, llifton +, writes (22 April 2011):
what she did was pretty terrible, and i'm sure that it hurts very badly. but since when did two wrongs make a right?i know you're probably terribly upset, but just try to calm down and think this through rationally. you obviously saved yourself for marriage for a reason. you wanted you and your partner to be the only person either of you ever slept with. and unlike your wife, you followed through. just because she faltered doesn't mean you should sacrifice your own morals and everything you worked so hard to obtain. is what she did pretty awful? yeah, it's pretty dishonest. is it unforgivable? in my opinion, no. i think we all make mistakes and regret them. but that's something only you can answer. we have a different moral code. but regardless, i think deep down you have to know sleeping with someone else won't ultimately make anything better. best of luck.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2011): YouWish covered everything I was going to say.
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (22 April 2011):
I have never ever heard of a hymen reconstruction! Why the hell would a woman want that back? Is she a masochist who loves the sensation of a man's penis ripping through it? OMG.
I'm still wrapping my brain around this - I can't speak from wisdom in this case because personally, I would be more apt to want a doctor to REMOVE the hymen rather than put it back in place! Egads.
There are only three things that I would even consider a woman thinking about doing that godawful thing:
1. She was raped and wants to feel like the virginity that was taken could be restored. She could have had her virginity taken by a relative or a molestation or child rape situation.
2. The man who was her first really mistreated and abused her. You really have to hate a man to want to pretend that he never existed.
3. Her religion places a very high mark on virginity, so much so that on her wedding night, she must present proof of virginity (i.e. a bloody bedsheet) or face banishment or death.
I take it she lied about being a virgin? Did you ask her why she lied? Many people lie about being virgins (many more lie about not being one), but it's a special kind of lie to back it up with painful hymen reconstruction.
I would almost ask whether or not she lied to you about the hymen reconstruction, because to me, that sounds more farfetched than lying about virginity. Were you two having a nasty fight when she revealed it?? Was she trying to really hurt you??
This requires a long talk about this with her, not you running off and cheating on her. She lied to you, and that is a big offense. But she didn't cheat on you.
You are very much owed an explanation about why she lied to you, and even moreso why she went through the pain of reconstructing a hymen. It's one thing to lie about virginity. It's another to go have surgery. Why would she want to do that? It strikes me as disturbing and indicative of some serious trauma.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2011): i don't get why cheating on her would fix anything.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2011): Hmm.. I think you should ask your wife why she didn't tell you to begin with. Perhaps there is an explanation. And why cheat now.. Its in the past put it behind you and forgive. Cheating wont solve anything.. It would probably just instigate a problem. Best of Luck on what you decide to do.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2011): So did your wife lie to you about being a virgin? Do you know the full story why she had the reconstruction, or under what circumstances she lost her virginity? Without this information, it's hard to tell if she intentionally deceived you.
You said that you feel like cheating on her because she wasn't a virgin when you got married. Don't you think that's a little unfair or harsh? Think about it for a minute. What if she decided she'd cheat on you because when you were in high school, you cheated on someone, and now she wants you to know how it would feel? The logic here isn't the best, but you know what I mean? Why punish her/yourself for something that happened in the past?
Talk to your wife and understand her perspective. Forgive.
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