A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi this morning my wife seemed abit upset it took her ages to admit what was wrong but she went out with some of her friends for a drink last night and there was this guy trying his best to well i won't say make a pass at her but he kept hinting he wanted something because he kept saying stuff to her like would you like to come outside with me and kept touching her back and arms etc and no matter how many times she said she was married and not interested he wouldn't leave her alone until luckily his mates said they were going and he did to. She said he sounded very drunk and as if he'd been on drugs but it really shook her up and doesn't want it to happen again. no one in the bar knew what he was doing because he wasn't being nasty or violent just trying to get her to go outside with him and go back to his, he also tried to kiss her at one point but that was when both her friends had gone to the loo. They both know about this and told him where to go but they said they didn't like the look of him and they wouldn't like to mess with him but she was really on edge all night after that. She keeps telling me that she said no and did her best to keep him away and i believe her,we've been together since school and i know her better than most people. Both of her friends told me that nothing happened and that she did everything she could to stay away from him in fact after that even her friends wanted to leave in case it happened to them. I believe her that nothing happened and i love her with all my heart, i just don't know what i can do to reassure her, she keeps blaming herself, and is pertified that i will leave her. Shes asked either me or her best friend Karen(who wasn't there the night it happened) to go with her next time incase it happens again or incase he's there because if he see's me he might leave her alone, although i said this morning you best take karen otherwise i might just kill him if he trys it on again. Its all really shook her up and shes seems really frightened of something, what can i do to help her?
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male
reader, Kohjakza  +, writes (15 September 2007):
reassure her that your love for her is unconditional. She is not to pay for the mistakes of anothers perversity and lack of common decency. She did right, she won out in the end by still coming home to you unmolested and in control of herself. Love that woman because she fought and won out for you!.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2007): My response wasn't about if you trusted her or you trusted her. It was about making wise choices.
I think your wife did good under the circumstances but I wonder if this incident didn't bring up some past memories where she experienced trauma. As she seemed to react more fearfully about it the next day.
And no matter what, if a woman says no-she means no and serpentine men keep at them to wear the women down, they also know tatics to guilt their prey; especially women.
I suggest you pick up a book titled "The Gift of Fear" by Gavin De Becker.
It encourages women and men to trust and rely on that instinct of survival that keeps us protected from violence.
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A
male
reader, eddie +, writes (14 September 2007):
 I suppose a man who thinks this way is a little thick. He doesn't understand and and feels someone might eventually see things his way. since he doesn't know or respect the woman, he feels he has nothing to loose. After all, some women go for it and he's rolling the dice.
Unfortunately in those places, and there's nothing wrong with them, you should always assume that when a man goes out of his way to be in your company, hes interested in you. As women, you already know that.
I would take no for an answer and change my tune. I strongly believe though that once a guy has shown an interest, even when turned down, it's still in the back of his mind. He might be nice, seem interested but still hoping. That doesn't make him bad, just a hunter. Men are hunters.
As for a female, they shouldn't be so naive as to think that when in a bar, men are usually not looking for women to exchange recipes with. Neither are the women for that matter. The difference is that society has assumed that it's the man's job to approach the woman. (usually)
Men are can be and re nice, decent people. We're trained and wired though to be the hunters. It's what makes us tic. Society has taught us to hold back when we're rejected. Most do understand that. Some will always push because they have no class. I'm married to an attractive lady and I know she gets attention. I have to rely on her to keep guys in check. I can't depend on the guys to do it.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2007): hi i'm the writer of this, cheers for the answers id like to asd some to this so you get a better view of things. Yes she could have rung me and yes i should have been able to go as i was looking after our baby girl but if it was serious and he hadn't left i would have woke her up and either took her to her mamars or i would have called our eldest daughter whos 17 to come home from her friends and look after her. I did ask why she didn't ring me an she said after he left she didn't see the point as she knew she wasn't alone there and yes Malyce_Synn72 is right she did also tell me that she daren't leave incase he was around outisde etc and also she didn't wnat it to ruin her night out as shes been very worked up with the baby and obvoiously i've been at work and the two people she went out with were two people who she used to, but still does when she goes back work with and she hadn't seen them properly in ages. I can undertsand why she would want to stay,she wants to enjoy her night out. I can see your point where she may feel guilty because she should have done more about it which is understandable. I tried not to make my question to long but i suppose i really should have put this information in. Also Malyce_Synn72 i see your point by saying about her not being in a bar without me but at the end of the day shes allowed to go out with her friends as well without me and alot of people do. I'm not trying to critisize any of you answers and i am greatful for them but i just thought this might have given you a better outlook on the situation. But yes i do trust her and love her loads.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2007): Either way Eddie, if she finally got firm, after a polite no didn't work,and ignoring him didn't work...she probably did lay down the law and still was ignored and that would explain the fear.
Why do men take a women doing her best to be non confrotational as her giving consent to be touch, pestered, and hit on over and over? What kind of man thinks this way Eddie, enlighten us.
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A
male
reader, eddie +, writes (14 September 2007):
I still don't think she's afraid of the guy. I think she's afraid that you might get the wrong impression because she chose not to leave.
I always ask myself this question: What would a fly on the wall think if it had witnessed the entire event, not knowing the people or their marriage status. Would that fly think it was watching two single people.....or married people. Or, lets forget the fly analogy. What would the questions askers sister have thought had she been secretly watching her sister-in-law (the wife) in the bar that night? Would she have thought she was getting to comfortable and letting her guard down? Or, would she have seen a woman laying down the law with a man who was out of line?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2007): Hang on, she didn't want to leave if her friends didn't want to leave as why would she leave a crowded place and wander off alone? What if he followed her?
Could she have called you? Would you have come? I say no as you already are saying you don't want to protect her and put the responsibility on her female friend.
I think she is genuinely scared.
It is societal that women need to be polite and say no and leave it at that. I would tell her to tell him to yell out next time, I DON"T KNOW YOU, DON'T WANT TO KNOW YOU, SO PISS OFF AND LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE!
Such men don't like attention drawn to themselves. OR she could let a bouncer or the owner know that she is leary of said stranger as he won't take no for an answer and is overstepping his place by touching me after I have told him I am not interested.
Such men rely on women's gentle and non agressive nature so that they can convince themselves that such females don't really mean no or they would DO something about it.
I still say going to a bar without hubby is a poor choice and what do you expect?
I will even go further and say why are you and wife not involved in leisure pursuits that strengthen your bond and trust in one another?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2007): You're wife should be wary and trust her insticts. No honest and respectable male will brush aside a woman's no. A honest, trustworthy male will accept the no and leave the woman alone.
A man who sees no as a woman playing coy and pursues her further has serious issues about boundaries and doesn't respect anyone.
If your wife is indeed danger and her friends pick up on this, the human instinct is to avoid the danger and in this case, the person who "brings" it.
I say you should be with her when she is in a place where alcohol is present, especially in a bar where you have some man who only has his agenda on his mind and mix that with alcohol...think he can be stopped should he decide to get what he wants regardless?
Listen to your wife. You are failing her when she says I feel unsafe and you say go with a female who really can't offer you protection like I can.
What about wife going somewhere else; is alcohol worth her safety? How about a nice restraunt or a movie, or taking her dancing?
She is a victim of violence in that it was psychological and she knows she should be afraid. Your wife is smart in trusting that feeling but she needs to think if going back is a wise choice.
Best wishes.
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A
male
reader, eddie +, writes (14 September 2007):
I'd like to add something to my previous post. I was thinking about it while I was out cycling. People have a way of minimizing their participation in an event, especially when it's something they regret. In a situation like you're writing about, there are general facts and specific facts.....
General facts,
You and your wife knew she was going to a place where there would be men, no problem.
Attention is flattering. It makes us feel good.
People act differently when out in public. Sometimes we treat strangers with extra respect so we don't appear to be rude or unfriendly.
You may have assumed, and not minded that someone might approach her. After all, it's a bar atmosphere.
You would have expected her to send the guy away or at the most be cordial, at least not bitchy. After all, a guy is allowed to at least try...
You're aware of how things operate in that atmosphere and trust your wife.
Specifics,
A man did approach her.
He did make his desire known.
She was not as offended as she says. We know this because she didn't leave.
If it was a s bad as she's saying, she would have reacted differently.
He managed to be close enough to try and kiss her.
I think she wants to go back there with you or her friend so she can make a statement to this guy. She'd be saying..."I have nothing to hide. If I did I wouldn't bring my husband here. I told you I was married, here's my husband. If you had the wrong idea, it was your fault." It's kind of like going back to the scene of the crime. She might be minimizing her participation and maximizing his. The truth is probably somewhere in the middle. She woke up this morning, in her "home" frame of mind. She realized that she allowed herself to be in the company of a guy who had no respect for her, you of the marriage. She felt bad and began to sooth her conscience by rationalizing what she may have felt like doing the previous night, but didn't do. She didn't do it because she was in party mode and enjoying herself. She knew her limits but felt bad later.
Why have you talked to her friends already and how did that happen? Listen, men hit on women all the time. They're accustomed to it. To react this strongly tells me she regrets something. CAUTION .....I'mnot saying she cheated or did anything physical either !!!! I'm just saying that emotionally she might feel dirty or like she disrespected the marriage by keeping company with this guy.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (14 September 2007):
 Eddie's fix on the situation makes perfect sense. Judging by her extreme distress the following morning indicates to me that she feels guilty about something. I wouldn't make it a big deal though since nothing really happened.
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A
male
reader, eddie +, writes (14 September 2007):
If what she what she said was true, I'm not sure why she was that upset. Of course, if the guy was being "really" obnoxious, that would explain things. He wasn't though. To be afraid is a little more that I would expect.
It's possible that she feels a little guilty that she didn't make more of an effort to get rid of him. It's possible that in the beginning she enjoyed a little attention from a guy and he took it as an opportunity to make a pass at her. She probably told him she was married to let him know the limits of the encounter and he decided to carry if outside those limits.
If, as you said, nobody else was aware of what was happening, he couldn't have been that out of line. If he was close enough to try and kiss her, she wasn't really trying to put enough distance between her and him. Also, if she had been that alarmed, she would not have stayed by herself when the other women went to the bathroom. Women always go to the bathroom in a pack. That would have been a perfect opportunity to get rid of him.
I'm not trying to give you the impression she was being overly flirtatious but I do think it's possible she's putting a "morning after spin" on the night.
I'd bet she feels guilty because she didn't tell the guy, in a firm way, to leave. She probably felt flattered in the beginning and didn't feel threatened. As time passed, he became more interested. The next morning she felt guilty because her friends knew what had happened and the fact she didn't leave. She's afraid you'll leave her because she did not take a strong enough stance against the guy....and she's aware of it. In other words, she's feeling guilty about it in the morning and trying to convince herself how much she disliked it the night before. The fact could be she knew where she'd draw the line. She enjoyed some attention and the next day, felt bad because she knows she was entertaining a man who's intentions she could not fulfill ans she should not have let it get that far. It's very easy to get rid of someone who is that much of pest, if you really want to.
This doesn't make her a bad wife. She did learn a lesson though about getting too close to men who are on the hunt. If you know they're on the hunt and you continue to be the prey, it's partially her fault.
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A
male
reader, HonestGuy +, writes (13 September 2007):
You are doing everything right, do ot kick yourself or start to think you should be doing more. What I would advise why don't all of you go, you, your wife and karen go too the pub, so if one of you has to go to the bar or loo then she wont be alone. If he is there again just have a qite word with the bar manager and just tell him about the guy, for he dose not want too have any trouble in the pub or tell the bouncer's, they will sort it out. Thats what they are there for.Keep on doing what you are doing and just give her hugs and listen. But go with her that's what she has asked . But taken Karen as well .It will be ok.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2007): Get her some mace to take along with her. Have her go to a different bar next time, with friends. Tell her to tell her friends to not leave her alone, at least 1 of them should have stuck by her if this guy was bothering her. I don't see why she'd be afraid of you leaving her if the story you told us is tru then she is innocent.
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