A
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age
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*onOx
writes:Hi TherePlease help me do the right thing Im a married man, 52 years old, who lives apart from his wife (due to work) I actually live in a different country most of the time and only see her and my 18 and 21 year old sons aproximately 4 times a year.We decided to live apart for the education of our sons,as i live in a fairly primitive place. My eldest has left home and my youngest is about to and my wife now wants to join me here.The problem is that after 6 years of this precarious situation i have had numerous affairs and am currently in one now with a girl i really love. The sex is tremendous and she loves me dearly. I havent had sex with my wife for nearly 3 years now and I have lost the desire for her sexually. I live a very outgoing life where I am, and am scared to death of living a married life again.My wife loves me and im sure she has been faithful but i cannot handle the thought of living with her again.I am due to visit her next month and need to make up my mind what to do...I believe she wil be devasted but cant help feeling i should follow my heart here???? I dont want to hurt her but i also dont want to live the rest of my life not being comfortable with who I am. I also dont want to lose the woman I am with right now.Anyones advice would be of great help to methanks
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male
reader, DonOx +, writes (6 July 2009):
DonOx is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIceLordessYes everyone seems almost relaxed with the situation now..its a total reliefI almost feel if there is something missing,..an anticlimax...Thanks for your kind words
A
male
reader, DonOx +, writes (1 July 2009):
DonOx is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIceLordess
The relief is incredible...ok very emotional at first but know she knows we can talk about it....
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male
reader, DonOx +, writes (29 June 2009):
DonOx is verified as being by the original poster of the questionupdate:
Told my wife ....v emotional
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male
reader, DonOx +, writes (11 June 2009):
DonOx is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks anonymous...i needed that....
I also just want to say i didnt actively intend to cheat...shit happens....
I also feel people grow apart over the years and other things/people become more important to them...they change ...things change...its life.
Thanks anyway ...
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2009): Thanks Anonymous...i needed that ......couldnt agree with you more
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2009): I think most men in this situation would handle it the same way. Hell, I think a lot of women would too. People label cheating as worse then murder, but when it works out for them and they're the ones cheating, somehow they rationalize it away. Such as "I deserve better and I deserve to be loved,". Sure it's an easy way out, but how many people, male or female, have EVER ended a relationship because they've THOUGHT about cheating? That's a ridiculous, idealistic notion.
The guy regrets his actions and he's asking for advice. His critics keep telling him how shallow he is, yet they post simply to make themselves feel morally superior, most likely because they've been hurt, or live in some fantasy world and believe he should have ended it before he thought about cheating? That's completely ridiculous and embarrassingly unrealistic.
"Boy, that's a nice piece of ass... Uh oh, better get a divorce!"
People cheat and guess what? They can love the people that they betray. They can cheat on a spouse and still be decent people. Cut the guy some slack he's only human. He messed up and is trying to figure it out, that's all.
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reader, DonOx +, writes (26 May 2009):
DonOx is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks Icelordess....your comments and Anonymous's REALLY have helped me here.....Just hope my wife is as understanding
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male
reader, DonOx +, writes (26 May 2009):
DonOx is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks again I will update you ..I have decided to tell my wife everyting...explain I am no longer the man she married, I have grown apart from her, through no fault of hers, and must move on with my life the way i see it should be. A tough decision but i feel the right one for both of us.
I will be seeing her on the 20th June ....a day i am not looking fwd to but will griut my teeth and do it.
Thanks for your kind words
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2009): only a pleasure DonOx, even though i don't agree with what you have done.
you would have also notice i was trying to be fair to you in another post 20/05/2009 where i said although both yopu and the other male both are having affairs we roasted you over the fires but with him the responses were more accepting. (just trying to be consitent with the advice). i also suggest you read this males 2 posts on the 20th. it may also give you some insight into your own situation.
yet again i say - the power of our words speaks volumes.
in a little while please send us an update. would love to know what deciions were made and whether you survived it all. take care. and hey don't run away from this website. you may prove useful to someone else and maybe just maybe you can use your own story to help someone with weighing up the pros and cons of their situation.
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reader, DonOx +, writes (25 May 2009):
DonOx is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks anonymous female......
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2009): "Life is life... shit happens... people get hurt" and you say you are not "a cold hearted bastard with no feelings for anyone but myself ?"please stop the self pity act. you wanted informative insight into the shit you have caused. i think this is the first time someone has challenged you for the mess you have made and people on this site have actually opened your eyes into the harsh reality of what you have done. you cannot handle this because it now does not sit well with you. you now berate us for telling it like it is instead of just agreeing with you. if we all agreed with you then you would have no problems whatsoever with this site.it's a shame because through the criticisms and the rude awakenings posted to you, i actually think you have a clearer view of now doing the right thing with regard to your long standing marriage and affairs. yes, you have decided to end your marriage. Isn't it what most people have suggested. the fact that your wife had garnered some support here means that we also just want her to be happy. she is innocent and you know you cannot make her happy because you have made your bed with someone else. Good luck to you in your future.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2009): Hiya, sorry i'm a bit late....
If you haven't done anything already, i think it's best you tell your wife you have a 'new life' it's unfair to stay married to her when you have obviously adapted to your new way of life. Although i think you have already realised this...
And i do agree with you... you only came on here for advice, i think some people need to remember that...
Good Luck, and if you still want to post on here, please let us know how it went. Although i don't agree with what you have done... Good Luck mate =]
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reader, DonOx +, writes (21 May 2009):
DonOx is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYou know what ..Im tired of listening to you people berate me for something I never actively intended to do. Life is life...shit happens...people get hurt. Things happen for a reason
This is a site for helping people with their problems NOT acting high and mighty like none have you have ever had a problem in your lives.
" let he that has not sinned cast the first stone "
I came here for advice not abuse !!! This is my last post on here, Im going to do what i want to do with my life and take the consequences of it.....
It was wrong to even think this site could or would help me make an informed decision.
None of you know the full story....none of you are taking my feelings into consideration...you think i like this situation, that Im a cold hearted bastard with no feelings for anyone but myself ??? If I was I wouldnt be looking for useful advice ......
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2009): female anon poster - i hear you. ".......whose hedonistic values say "take what ever you want in life and fu** the consequences". " therfore people then are so afraid of the concept of KARMA. being liberal is one thing, but total lack of respect for others is another.
it is not liberal thinking on this site but people lacking judgement, lacking common sense, and lacking built in value systems that worry me. I have read Llily Rose's comments in other posts and she encourages everything. the sad truth is that Lilly is like a con artist, edging you toward the fall and you don't see it until it is too late. Lilly's comments are sometimes so subtely and manipulatively sweet and the OPs fall for it all the time. what does she hope to gain i always ask myself.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2009): "Thanks lilly, useful advice" - aaaaaaaaaaaaagh, this makes me want to scream. I love the way you seem to love the responses that say go for it, as if validating what you have done. No one else has said any different, all we are saying is do the right thing and be honest with your wife , then leave her to find somebody who'll care for her and give her the respect she deserves. No wonder the world is in such a shit place right now with attitudes like yours and the other liberals on this site, whose hedonistic values say "take what ever you want in life and fu** the consequences". Oooh, what shallow people you are. I'm always amazed at people with attitudes like this, I truly do not understand it.
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reader, DonOx +, writes (20 May 2009):
DonOx is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYeah i guess so...shoulda doneit years ago...
Thanks Lilly...useful advice.....
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reader, Lilly Rose  +, writes (18 May 2009):
 Sometimes in life yes we have to be selfish, we only have one life and sometimes we do things that make us happy but hurt others, this is a price we pay and we must live with, so if you can live with the hurt of others may have through your choice of life then go for it! If you dont take any chances in life and just settle for whatever makes everyone else happy but not yourself then life is not really worth living.....
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2009): DonOx, please get off your high horse. yes everyone is entitled to happiness. you have been enjoying this happiness with all the women you have been sleeping with in any event.
just divorce your wife, who cares whether she gets hurt, you certainly don't. so please do not come across as so concerned about her well being.
just go ahead and do what you want to. your mind is already made up. your mistress must know that you are doing the dirty with her, shortly you will be doing it to her. your history speaks volumes.
when we talk of balls in your context it is not the two boys dangling, but balls to be accountable for one's actions.
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reader, DonOx +, writes (18 May 2009):
DonOx is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI am a man, I have balls and I make decsions on the basis of facts AND consider the consequences.Some of you seem to ignore my happiness in this ? Any reason why? Do i not deserve to live my life the way I want too ????Surely we only have one life and we deserve to chose what we think will make US happy , or do we just accept things arent right,grin and bear it and live in denial and doubt the rest of our lives? Isnt that how most people live...UNHAPPY but to bone idle or afraid to make a decision that will be hurtful in the beginning but perhaps ultimately for the good of all concerned???????
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 May 2009): it's so easy to say that you will give your wife a choice.
what if she still chooses you, then will you discontinue your affairs or adhere to your marriage. meaning being faithful.
by saying that you will let her choose means that you are doing a kop out - so that you can then say well, she decided. surely with you not in love with her, having numerous affair, you have already made your decision. you still don't want to be seen as the bad one, you just don't have the balls to be a man - a decisive man who makes a decision in spite of the consequences.
you are very subtle, and perhaps conniving. be careful when the wheel takes a sharp turn. you might just get what you have asked for.....but ten fold.
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reader, DonOx +, writes (15 May 2009):
DonOx is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI agree I have been an asshole...I can turn back the clock...I am going to tell my wife everything I will then let her decide what she wants to do.....
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 May 2009): I think Ginalolabridga's advice is always good. The reason you don't like it is because you want some validation for what you have done and I'm afraid you are not going to get it. I've read Finn McCool's advice before and he seems to be a liberal sit on the face type and I've always thought the polar opposite of what he says. People that just take and have no regard for others for their own selfish needs seem to be what you guys are advocating. You must know what you have done is wrong and dispicable otherwise you would not write into this website. People also telling you it's ok and to go ahead and do what you want are unwise too. Your subconscious mind is troubled for a reason. What we would all love you to do is admit to being a prick (really admit to it and mean it) and own up to the fact that you have acted without honour and decency. Only when you can truly face yourself and what you have done will you learn from this. Then do the decent thing and let your wife go, once you explain what you have done and why you have done it. Only then can you move forward with a clean conscious. I've said before in posts, when I've made a mistake I'll hold my hands up, apologise, vow never to make the same mistake again then move on. I don't try and defend the indefensable.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 May 2009): It would be less hurtful if you let your wife know that your not really attracted to her then for her to find out your cheating on her. You don't want to hurt her so be straight with what you want instead of leading her into what she wants only to have another life on the side. Too many people trying to please other people when they should make themselves happy first...
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2009): DonOx, poor you. i really feel sorry for you. yes, you are in a very difficult poistion what with a loyal wife and a mistress. shame, life has been so unfair to you. GROW UP . start acting like the mature man that you claim you are.i have read all your responses and guess what you have no sense of duty, no sense of doing the rihght thing here. so, what will you do? continue to f*ck around, that is what you will do. your good women were willing toput up with an adulterer like you who "told them the truth from the beginning". they choose to. where are they now.you do not like the condemnation but want vindication? from who. so please go ahead and f*ck around as you have continued in the past. after all you only care about yourself. self centred *rick!i hope your wife has been f*cking around while you were as well. then perhaps you won't be feeling so "guilty". do you even know how to spell that word?good luck pal. you need it.
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reader, DonOx +, writes (14 May 2009):
DonOx is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMcCool you are 100% right...I have also noticed most feamles side with feamles when it comes to leaving their spouses.
You Icelordess and Lilly are the only ones who have given constructive criticism/advice.
Gina i think u are a hypocrit because ive read some of the advice you have given to women in similar circumstances.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2009): FinnMcCool you are 100% right, I have also notice female Aunts are more likely to side with females than males when it comes to advice on leaving their spouses !!
You right I dont want a bollocking I hurt enough with other people putting in their 2cents of verbal abuse.
I know what Ive done, i dont like it particularly but you cannot turn back the clock !!
I also know how i feel about the people in my life. You Lilly and Ice Lordess have given me the most constructive advice on here...thank you . I believe /i know what i have to do...there is no choice even if I end up on my own as a result...at least my conscience will be cleared marginally.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2009): Yes you are human. And that is usually the excuse ppl give for cheating.
Don't talk about being honest. Cuz you weren't with your wife. It's funny how cheating guys can always say they were honest with their mistresses...but not with their wives.
Why don't you just let her know what you've been doing and part your ways. You are totally being unfair to your wife who sacrificed her time being with you to your initial agreement, whilst staying faithful.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2009): The trouble with a lot of the aunts on this site is that when asked for advice, all they do is sit in judgement as if they lead completely blameless lives. Maybe they do - but people don't come here for a bollocking - it's constructive advice that's needed. From one imperfect human being to another, good luck with your new life.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2009): Yes, you are a prick. You can hear all the self pitying diatribe in what you have written. The only victim here mate is your wife and she is the one we all feel sorry for, not you. And no, the ladies you have been with are not good and true people if they know you are married, yet continue to have an affair with you. So, tell your wife you have been having affairs and let her make the decision - I hope she runs a mile and never looks back.
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reader, DonOx +, writes (13 May 2009):
DonOx is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your contributions.
Those that berated me...no problem but you try living in a dump for 6 years because the country u lived in collapsed without female company. Living alone is difficult in the 1st world far less the 3rd.
Dont you also think those thoughts about leaving her to educate the kids have been thru my head a billion times??
Dont you think thats why i cant eat or sleep properly?I have looked after her well and if anyone has had hardship and loneliness its been me. I am flesh and blood and have desires.....
I never got to see my sons grow up..i never had a proper family life.
As for the Ladies I have been with...they are good and true people and its not their fault they were attracted to me..I was always honest with them.
Am i truly such a prick for wanting to be free and letting her be free even if initally it will hurt her
Hey thats why im here....to seek advice...I have done what I have done there is no going back...All i want to know is what is the right way forward???
Thanks to those who support what i think i need to do.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2009): she was good enough when the children needed educating elsewhere to live with them so you could do your job, but suddenly now they have left she isnt? man you really are a prize d*** . When these women you meet all go and you are on your own i hope you think back and remember just what you left go.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2009): One thing I can see is that your wife deserves to be treated like the strong lady she is and if your not willing to do that, let her go! Why would you waste so many years of "her" life staying married and letting her think you loved her? It's better to let her move on and make her life with someone who "wants" to be there. You'll be lucky if your kids don't hold this against you and your going to have a lot of explaining to do I suspect. Best of luck cause your going to need it, always remember your deeds will always come back to bite you in the butt.............
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reader, Lilly Rose +, writes (12 May 2009):
Well your like 90% living on your own as a single man, so why don't you just do the right thing and let your wife go, so she can find happiness with another man like you have with this other women. Why stay with your wife if you hardly see her or even have sex. Seperate and enjoy your freedom! Your children are old enough to understand...why stay in a relationship if your not happy....life is to short..enjoy it!
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2009): Do your wife a favour and let her find a decent man, which you clearly are not. You've had umpteen affairs and seem to be able to justify this to yourself - there is NO justification for an affair whilst you are still married. Tell her about your sordid affairs and she might make your mind up for you - in other words - she'll hopefully want to get out ASAP. Let's hope she takes you to the cleaners as well as you have committed adultery. If she is around the same age as you, she's bound to be able to meet someone else (50 is the new 40 I believe) so go on, give her the chance to find a decent man; as for you, as a previous Aunt said, all people who have affairs are LIARS, CHEATS, I could carry on with the adjectives but I think you get the picture. By the way, please tell me that these wonderful women you know who are prepared to sleep with a married man (ooh, they sound like such a catch, don't they), are around the same age as your wife? Or are they much younger - midlife crisis spring to mind methinks!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2009): so what you're saying is you left your wife to raise you kids while you got to play fast and fancy free. now you don't want to take on the responsibility of your family.
sounds like you are a selfish man who is looking out only for his well being.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2009): Sangano,
Sorry dude , time to be a man, tell your wife that she deserves better than you before she moves to the back end of no where for you because its obious you aint worth it. Do her that favour at least. Try to justify it whatever way you want but you havent been honest with her for a while, you want to be able to call yourself a man then act like one and face your problems, thats my advice and if I was your son id be pretty annoyed with you too,
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2009): You can spend the rest of your life regretting not doing what your instincts say you should. Your boys are off hand now, so no dependants to complicate the picture, only(!) emotions. I would basically tell your wife that you have become so accustomed to your way of life, you cannot comprehend 'going back'. You don't have to mention your lady. You may actually be surprised at your wife's reaction - she may just agree! Anyway, I would say go for the new life that so obviously makes you happy.
Good luck.
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