A
male
age
,
anonymous
writes:hi there i had an affair 11 years ago and my wife found out 14 months ago .The affair lasted 2 a half years and my wife was devastated i have tried every thing possible to win her back.we have been on holidays i buy her flowers all the time and always tell her how much i love her and how lovely she looks.I hate my self for what i have done to the woman that gave me 4 lovely children Every time i look at her i feel sick for what i did to her i would give anything to win her back but i have run out of ways trying to tell her how i would never hurt her again. The thing is i have hurt her so much .I love her we have been married 31 years now and all i want is to try and make up for all i have done to my lovely wife and children. can any body give me any tips to get my family back .The thing is the other woman meant nothing to me it was only sex and she was happy with this arrangement, my wife would give me another chance if i could get the oter woman talk to me and tell her wat happend but she wont talk to me or my wife and that is wat my wife wants .I told the other woman i would never leave my wife and children for her and she was happy with that.So how can i prove to my wife that i love her and never hurt her again.I am losing my lovely family for wat i have done and my wife has tried her best to forgive me but she says the affair went on for too long.I know i deserve all i get for what i did to my wife but all i want is another chance to show her haw much i love her. The thing is my wife doesnt beleive me when i say it was just sex because she says a woman wouldnt do that but the thing is she did she wasnt bothered. I dont even know why i did it, it was offered and i stupidly took it as my wife was always tired and not bothered.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2012): To the OPs Wife: its a tough place trying to justify and reason WHY and HOW the affair took place.I speed, get caught sometimes. Why do I speed? Bec I can! Do I know that I am breaking the law? Yes, everytime I drive over the speed limit! Do I care about the fact that I am breaking the law? NO! I only start to care when I Get Caught! Do I then blame the car manufacturer for enticing me to put my foot harder on the petrol pedal OR do I jut suck it up and accept my fate of breaking the law? Do I shift the blame to the car manufacturer? Mrs OP, can u see my lame excuse?Look I'm glad u and hb went to counselling. I take it he is out of the house for a while until u come to grips with his cheating? Just like myself I could abide by the rules of the speed limit after being first caught. Last year I had over 30 outstanding traffic fines (yes I travel a lot but that's no excuse). So I broke the law continuously knowing what I was doing. I paid a hefty price: my hard earned bucks for my actions. Likewise your hb got the tast of the forbidden after his first cheating experience. No one forced him to go back time and time again. Whether it was for 5 minutes or 15 minutes or hey whether he was with her for over an hour. It doesn't matter how long he took with his sexual act, the fact is HE Cheated. I would like to also point out that if I'm not feeling up to sex does this give my hb the right to get it elsewhere. And if I'm in the mood and he's not, should I also sniff around to get it elsewhere? Hell No!Mrs OP, can you see yourself here slowly turning from the victim into the perpetrator? You are now projecting:u have shifted blame. You have convinced youself that the OW enticed him. Even if she did, he could have said No thank you and he could have continued to use his hand to release his frustration. Either way hun, whatever u decide be happy. If a separation or divorce is going to hurt u financially and if u can really really trust him, then stay. What else do u have to lose? Make peace that he's a cheating scoundrel (or was one) and then just keep an eye on the scroundrel. Oh and tell him to haul his a$$ back home: u don't want him to be feeling too lonely again or else u will have more issues. Don't even bother about the OW: she's not worth another moment of your precious life!LoveGirl
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2012): The wife again....Tisha,1 if you had read everything i and my husband have wrote correctly you would see that we have been to councelling for months but i decided to wait for a bit before i go again ,to take it day to day for a while. So am not condoneing anyone everyone says straight away if a wernt sleeping with him he should have divorced me and now the saying i should divorced him ,thats what i said, and i am not fixated on the ow she can go swivell im fixated on finding out the truth,and she chased him for weeks and offered it on a plate NO he shouldnt have gone for it and yes it would have been any other woman that offered because he wanted some sex and did because he was getting away with it...7 out of ten men will have sex if its offered on a plate and thats a fact i have been on loads of sites, not all carry on like mine did but if its there they will take it. I used to work in a all male enviroment and go watch football and hear what men say and do.. And i know this other woman is not damaged shes from a family of undesirables she only has her family as friends and they are just as bad as her, we live in a vey small village.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (23 March 2012):
 "I am not going to councelling at the momment need to just go day to day as i am, but its me thats going to lose out eventually.."
"...this is bad what he has done but a think some people dont try at anything..."
Your husband cheated. You are angry at him. You also appear to be very fixated on the woman. She would not be a factor in your life at all if your husband hadn't chosen to look for sex outside the marriage.
Any input she has into your marriage would be fairly simple. She was the other woman. If she hadn't appeared, your husband would have found another. You wish to punish her as you are punishing your husband. That is understandable.
Alas, until you realize that she is only a supporting actress in this play, and that you and your husband are the leading actors, your energy is wasted.
I am sorry you feel trapped in your marriage, and that your hands are bad.
But going back to your original statements which I have quoted above. You are not in counseling yet you condemn people who don't try at anything? Um. Your husband did an appalling thing. I would be furious at mine if he did the same. However, I would recognize that his straying was his choice and his issue. The other woman is a symptom, not the disease.
I respectfully put it to you that you are making a mistake in not going to counseling. I don't believe that it will magically make it all better, but I do think that you are being hasty in not giving the process a try.
If you are done with the marriage, fine. Be done with it. Start the process and move on, but don't expect the other woman is going to participate in the drama, nor will her participation make things better. It will only prolong the drama.
She's not the cause of the marriage failure. Your husband is the one who strayed. Why he strayed is much more important than the person with whom he strayed. You are missing the forest for the trees.
Good luck to you as you work through these issues.
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (23 March 2012):
 There is a post I could direct you to, it's filled with lots of stories from the other woman, but in all the 300 odd stories, there is only 1 or 2 like her.Sigh.. there's a certain type of damaged and unhappy woman that only targets married men. You don't know her story, you don't know if she's been hurt, abused or raped. A woman like that.... sigh.. she's probably deeply hurt inside, and that's why nothing you can touch her, she's probably suffered a lot more pain than you could ever imagine.A woman like that, probably actually hates men or/and hates people, she definitely hates happy people, because she doesn't know how to get that. Abused children can grow up to be adults like this.Yes I understand, I understand everyone in this particular situation... again, there is nothing in the world you can do to hurt her that probably hasn't been done already.... so what do you do next? That's what your husband came here to ask? Think about it, take time, what's your next move.As I said, she is unlovable, she's damaged, and your husband was crazy to have anything to do with her.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2012): The wife who's husband cheated,.....Thanks , Miamine You have gave a good reply your the only one that has read us properly, I am no shrinking violet in the corner i am a very strong woman,I am not sticking up for my husband like some have mentioned i was just saying how it was it is true he wanted me and i werent bothered i just got on with bringing the kids up. I do blame my husband more than the other woman but i always said could never understand a woman who would go with a married man why would they do that, even before this happened. When i went to confront her she was a bitch and atacked me then phoned the police on me they told me in the end i could press charges but i didnt, my husband asked her why she said some of the things she said to me at that time and she said because she was mad..She indicated hed been with loads of other women he told her she had to tell me the truth or proove it hence we have had neither thats why i have wanted to talk to the ow, who do i beleive the woman that has had every man that she can or my husband thats also lied, well a dont beleive nothing till he has had a lie detector or she comes forward with proof,(He says as soon as he has saved enough money he will have one but we struggling at min as he is paying for 2 properties )she wernt happy with upsetting me once shed to do more because i showed her for what she is by going to her door, she always goes for married men, my husband went because it was so easy he used to go for drinks with his friendson a Mondays to the local pub and about 11.15pm said he was going home or to another local (most of his pals had gone then anyway)he would phone her to say he was on his way its a 5 min walk to her house and he was always in bed at the side of me for 12,oclock, how easy is that i didnt suspect anything because he was only doing same.Over the last 6 years b4 i knew i wondered what was up with hi because he wasnt sleeping, one momment nice the next really weired but also he and his buisness partner parted company so i put it down to that. He said he wanted to tell me and tried a few times but darnt because i had told him that if he ever did it to me i would leave him which i had said that to him, so he prayed it would go away, he really hates the other woman and says he carnt beleive how stupid he has been, He never told a soul, she told her friends so my nice asked her n she said they had a thing but it meant nothing and she knew he loved me and would never leave me, thats why she makes me so mad because it wo just a bit of fun a shag meant nothing to either of them, so all this pain for a quick shag and a bit of fun,n she will do it again and again to other women.There should be a law for people who have affairs they should be fined,the married one loses there home ,family and most of all there partner everything but what does the other person that helped in all this lose, they lose nothing they are free to go do it all again to someone else, which she is doing again.All she had to do was a phone call or a small letter but she couldnt do that well i want f... all to do with her but just wanted people to know why i wanted the information from her.I am not going to councelling at the momment need to just go day to day as i am, but its me thats going to lose out eventually i will have to sell the house and i will have no money cos i carnt work because i have bad hands and you dont ever forget all the good times he built us 2 motorhomes which we always went away in and a caravan that he would drive us to because i wouldnt drive but a darnt say how good he has been or how i have been because people think am sticking up for him...I always said i would kick him out if he ever did it but when it happens to you its a different kettel of fish it aint that easy, and did people know if the house is in joint names that you carnt make them leave.. Although he has ,so that he can give me some space. Thanks for reading my rant..PS my husband says he is sick of people not beleiveing him that he says it was only a shag because thats all it was and people dont know what he thinks, n thats why he wanted her to talk to me other wise he would never go nr the thing again...his words not mine.. Oh and my family and friends have told me to do whats best for me but to try be for just getting divorced which is all some people have mentioned this is bad what he has done but a think some people dont try at anything....
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (22 March 2012):
Thanks for the follow up betrayed wife, I was very tempted to ask about your role in all of this, but I didn't think your husband deserved it, and I was worried that it would shift some of the blame to you.
It is important to look back at how both of you were acting and reacting at that time. I assume that them type of problems were fixed years ago and it was stressful for you with young children in the house. Lack of sex is problematic in marriage, and as you say, it provides you with a way to understand his behaviour.... No matter though, 2 years is a long time, and a more moral faithful man could have found a better alternative.
I know your focus of hate is on this woman, but it's only you shifting the blame. You can't let yourself be too angry with your husband, because then you'd be forced to leave him to save your pride. You can't be too understanding to your husband, because then you might have guilt about some of the way you behaved. So the other woman is a nice easy target, you can hate her easily and pretend that it's her fault.
Only problem is... if this woman didn't exist, would your husband still have remained faithful? Did she trap him? Would the problem have gone away if she never existed? Maybe she saved your marriage in some way, by being so unlovable that divorce was never considered. Maybe his alternative might have been a prostitute or maybe he would have ended up in a similar situation with somebody else.
.. I'm not asking you to forgive her, I'm just telling you to put away your anger and hate towards her, because it really doesn't do you no good.... ...
Glad you is going counselling, that's the best thing to do and I'm sorry that so few of us mentioned it. Yes it hurts at the moment, and yes you are angry. Please work with your counsellor to find a healthy way to express this anger... As you've seen, my favourite method right now is treating your husband like a piece of crap and spending all his money.. nope it's not about material things, it's about finding a safe way to hurt him the way he has hurt you. Got to admit that's what worked for me, but the time span wasn't so long.. that has got to hurt badly.
A far healthier way is probably religion to learn about forgiveness, or the boxing gym to punch that anger away, I've been told jogging helps as well to clear the mind and take away some mental torment. Find a way to express your rightful anger in healthy way. Being angry and talking to this other woman just causes noise and drama and keeps the hurt festering like a infected wound that won't heal.
You can't change her, you can't hurt her, all your doing is making yourself into an object of pity.... (sorry) Concentrate on what will help you to heal, do whatever it takes.. Your cheating husband will have to take the pain, it's his turn. And believe me, he's dying to make up for his bad behaviour in anyway possible, it allows him to repent and suffer and prove his undying love and his total repentance for what he has done. Marriages can and do get stronger sometimes after affairs. He and you seem to be going about it the right way, by asking for help and advice and doing a lot of talking. If you love each other, then yes, it will get better in time.
So sorry you have hurt each other.. but your decision to stay and fight is a good one for you I feel. If in the end, you can't forgive and you can't stay, then that is all right as well, at least you both know that you tried and didn't just walk away. Only you can choose whether to stay or to leave and nobody has the right to force you into anything.
Blessings to you both, no matter what you choose to do.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2012): to the OP's wife: I'm very sorry that you're in this position. If your husband wasn't getting sex from you during that time period, to the point he couldnt' take the sexual frustration anymore, he should have manned up and divorced you. that would be the honest thing to do. He should have said, "I can't deal with this marriage, so I'm ending it." Instead he said, "I can't deal with this marriage, so I'll get my needs met in secret even though it violates all ethical and moral standards and the vows i made, while pretending everything is OK so no one will know that I can't deal with this marriage." He did not owe you a continued marital relationship if you were not meeting his needs to the point he couldnt' take it anymore, but since you had a legal binding contract he did at least owe you honesty and respect and the TRUTH.
A marriage is broken if there's no sexual intimacy. A marriage that's broken and where no one wants to fix it, should be officially ended so that both people can move on to heal their lives openly and honestly. Creating a lie - how does that ever work? Another option was if he wanted to have sex with other women without divorcing you, he should have asked you for permission to get his sexual needs met elsewhere like an open marriage since you were unwilling to sleep with him. that would have forced you to seriously face the marital issues one way or the other, not just 'coast' along in silence, each person wrapped up in their own misery.
instead he had sex with another woman for 2 years and lied about it ever since. She didn't con him, she didn't hold a gun to his head and forced him to have sex with her, he willingly went to her house for 2 years to have sex. There must have been additional logistical planning involved as well in order for you not to suspect.
What difference does it make if it's 'meaningless sex' or an emotional relationship? If it was meaningless sex, why does it even matter now? obviously, it's because betrayal is betrayal no matter how you frame it. The deceit, the cover ups, the bold faced lies - that is what hurts. And that is what is so SPOOKY. You have learned the hard way that your husband is a very good actor. He's perfectly capable of being a fake, that's why you can no longer trust him. If the other woman hadn't ratted on him, he'd still have you duped today. How do you know his begging and shows of affection are not all part of the act that he's been putting on for the last 11 years? You don't.
And of course he will never leave you. Obviously he gets something from the marriage, that's why he stayed and still wants to keep it going. You're right he will never leave you, but dont' confuse that with loyalty. There are worse things than having your spouse physically leave you...
Another thing is that long term voluntary sex between two consenting adults is never completely meaningless. That's not how the human mind works. This is why "friends with benefits" type relationships are so complicated and angst-ridden. People try to separate sex from feelings, and it's next to impossible if the sex was voluntary, consenting and pleasurable for both people. there's always feelings involved. Voluntary and pleasurable sex produces the hormone oxytocin which causes emotional bonding. (That's why voluntary and consenting sex is so important to a marriage, by the way, as it strengthens the emotional bonds between the participants) So even the 'it was just meaningless sex' is a misguided concept. Does that mean he loves her and wants to marry her? not necessarily. But he obviously had emotional attachments to her.
If he was after true meaningless emotionless sexual relief he would have just masturbated or used sex toys, not sought out a real woman and kept on going to her house. if it was so meaningless why didn't he tell you or ask you for permission? Did you ask him this - why didn't he just use sex toys if it was simply sexual relief he needed? Why did he need a live woman if not for some emotional connection as well? The truth is, is that emotions WERE involved. that doesn't make it any worse, to me it's irrelevant. But just that if you're trying to base your entire life on whether their 2 years of obviously very pleasurable sex was meaningless, I think you should go with reality.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2012): dear Wife of the cheater:
so let me get this straight:
Your adulterous hb has begged you not to leave him despite his decade-long lies and betrayal of trust, because he doesn't want his life to change. And note that he didn't suddenly grow a conscience and confess - he got outed. There is a big difference.
But he's begging you not to leave him because he doesn't want his nice life to change. Your family wants you to stay with him because "you have always been so good together." Um, excuse me. Neither your hb nor any of your family or friends know your pain because they are not in your shoes, so they are in NO POSITION TO TELL YOU WHAT YOU SHOULD DO OR MAKE YOU FEEL GUILTY.
and just who are they to tell you that "you've always been so good together" - when he was sleeping with someone else for 2 years, and lying about it for another 10? You call this "being so good together"?? You've been living a lie.
It seems you are grasping at straws trying to find a reason to stay married to him because you think this will be less traumatic than being on your own. Logistically, probably. Emotionally and psychologically, I really doubt it. Psychology studies have shown that people are more traumatized by their spouse's infidelity than by their spouse's death (even though the latter leads to being on your own, for sure). This really isn't a good way to save a relationship because you're having to lie to yourself in order to stay married. No marriage is worth your self respect and basic dignity.
I think you're blaming the other woman way more than is warranted so that you can let your husband off the hook, which is a natural self defense mechanism because you're trying to stay married to him so you need to make someone else the bad guy rather than him, otherwise you can't justify staying with him.
So you need to tell yourself he was just an innocent victim of the evil bad woman. Call this a coping mechanism for being able to stay married, but I really think this is doing you a lot of psychological harm because deep down inside you know that the other woman does not owe you anything because she's not the one you married! The ONLY person who owes you anything in this life, is your husband. Your husband is the one who took vows to you, he's the only one who owes you anything. Put the responsibility squarely where it belongs, don't make excuses.
I've known couples where the husband cheated on the wife for many years, but the wife didn't divorce him because of obligations, financial need, social pressure, and fear of change. The result: 15-20 years later the marriages are still intact but the wives live in depression and either have long ago turned to alcohol or anti-depressants just to get through daily life, or they've grown emotionally distant despite the husbands wining and dining them and lavishing attention on them. Well, the husbands have now given up the wining and dining since it wasn't producing any results in the wives emotionally (wonder why). Still married though, still visiting their grown kids and grandkids. Still living in depression. Is this the life you see for yourself?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2012): 2 years is 2 years of lying,cheating and letting down your family and yourself.
You thought you were the big man, a bit on the side, a woman stupid enough to take sloppy seconds.You had your cake and ate it.
I bet the only time you regretted it all was when your wife found out.
If it were me I would kick your arse out the door and take you for every penny. A bunch of flowers and a newspaper ad do not compensate for years of deception.
I don't know if she will ever forgive you, but it will never be the same even if she does.You shattered every illusion she had, of you and the marriage.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2012): Hi there I am the Wife of the cheater... He has shown me this what he has wrote..Some interesting answers,I Know he would never leave me, at the time he was sleeping with her i didnt want him he begged me to be right with him, he begged me to sleep with him but i wasnt interested, he took me away with friends and out every weekend and we would be life and soul of the party, then when we would come home i would turn my back on him and say i didnt think i loved him.. No am not blaming myself and never will but the marrige counceller pointed some interesting things out to me, My husband has never blamed me either.He has always gave me and our children everything all 4 of them. This is the reason i am still married to him i no i was not faultless in all this but didnt think the local bike would stoop this low, i went over to this other womans when i found out,she attaked me on her door step needless to say i didnt stand there. She knew from day one he was married he did a job for her and she was after him and his work partner she slept with him there and then, he even got up and said carnt carry on i havnt got a condom, she said i have plenty... He didnt need them he has had the snip. I blame my husband yes more than the other woman but it takes two to have an affair and she knew he was married and she also knew he had four kids and that he would never leave me so why was she opening her legs she even told my niece that , I have been told she is seeing another married man as we speak but that could just be gossip but i doubt it.I started divorce proceedings and he has his own flat i am not stupid, but i have been with him 30 years and know i have not been perfect.I have really bad hands and worry about how i would cope i carnt even light the fire properly i really struggle with everything. All our friends and family hate what he has done but think we should try and sort it out because we were always so good together, this is such a mess and i dont know if i can do it and all i wanted was this other woman to confirm what it was and to apologise, that wouldnt be so hard would it.. Her kids and mine also know each other bet her kids are so embarresed.I am 49 still attractive and slim know i can easily get someone else but this could all happen again couldnt it with them, at least i am being treat like a queen and dont have to lift a finger now and know he would never do it again but just dont kow if a can do it.. Thanks for reading. would be interested to read any more comments..
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2012): So u had an affair for 2 years and a bit and you thought you got away with everything, didn’t you? In fact you never thought that u will be caught out? Lets unpack this:Your youngest kid is 13, so you stated sleeping with your lover/mistress when your kid was 2 years old. In fact at that time 4 KIDS and an unfaithful husband. Can you now see an ugly picture emerging??I think what your wife wants to know is WHY AND HOW COULD YOU? In fact please do tell us: why did you have this affair? Because you could? Bec you know you wife trusted u and u will not be caught out? Bec you though that u could lead 2 lives: one as a seemingly faithful hb and the other as the lover boy having stolen moments of sex with your sex bunny.Bottom line: you deliberately deceived your wife and kids for 30 odd months. You knowingly and purposefully CHOSE to have sex with another woman and you deliberately betrayed your wife.This is NOT WHETHER THE SEX WITH YOUR LOVER WAS MEANINGLESS SEX, it was a deliberate betrayal. This is what u have not comprehended. In fact you are so focused on the so called meaningless sex for 2 years plus that you have lost sight of the real issue: -your lies and half truths-you sneaking off to meet your lover and have sex with this woman-the time and effort you invested in your lover instead of your wife-your decision to choose your lover instead of your wife during these 2 illicit years.-your blatant betrayal of your marriage vows.- you basically decided to sh1t on your marriage, vows and everything that meant anything to your wife.- yes u may have been sleeping with your lover for 2 years BUT what about the time you were plotting to be with her? This means time invested yet again with the illicitness. THEN AFTER the affair, the time u invested having doubts, the time u invested getting over the exciting sex life and back to “normal mundane” marriage. Can you see just how much of time you invested in this other life? AND NOW all these years later, you are investing again in the aftermath of this affair??? How many years wasted? Count the cost. Your few hours of sexual please but a lifetime of pain, suffering, conflicted thoughts, reputation lost, your good name down the drain? , your health suffering, your business suffering, your kids lost respect for you, and lastly in this mess: you broke your wifes heart. You betrayed her. You destroyed her soul her pain is unbearable, her mind is going crazy thinking of your deliberate betrayal. It shows that the man she married is now soiled in her eyes. She is now questioning everything about youAnd your lives together. She is now analysisng and over analysing, each time she thinks of this betrayal she starts to relive the nightmare. Can u see the devastating effects of this on her life, and on her health as well? So the so called meaningless sex has had a devastating effect on so many lives……..this shows that the meaningless sex was/is indeed the catalyst in all your lives.The behaviour of your lover and yourself during the during of the affair,the plotting/plan stage and the aftermath shows that BOTH u and this women were selfish: you both thought only about your carnal needs, with no regard whatsoever for your wife, her feelings. Both of you acted with deliberate intent and this violation is what galls your wife. So while you were enjoying your freedom of sexual expression with your lover, your wife was stuck with the 4 kids. Your wife became your doormat. Your wife became second best.So the wife found out when your lover disclosed your cheating to a niece. How wonderful! And now she wants nothing to do with the mess? So her character is revealed yet again. This woman is selfish, vile, despicable: she did not get it right 11 years ago, now she “innocently” reveals the truth? Your focus should not be this woman. Why do u want her to tell your wife that she was having meaningless sex with you. What will this admission reveal. That your betrayal was only based on sex and nothing else? That u did not enjoy the sex? That after the sex u still went home, pretending to be what u were obviously not?The Aunts have covered everything really. I don’t want to add too much more except this:I am now glad that the truth is out. Do u have any other secrets that u need to declare?Haul you’re a$$ and your wife to marriage counselling: meaningless material things will not do: no amount of flowers and sorry will suffice. If u want to salvage your 31 years old marriage u need to shown genuine remorse, and u need to acknowledge your wrongdoing. You need to now show by your actions that u are not the man u once was. Your situation has shown that a long time rogue does get caught: the truth always come out, even when you least expect it.LoveGirl
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2012): You want one more chance? You had tons of chances (like those two years when you were happily sleeping with the other woman) and you refused them. Why should you now get one more chance? in fact your wife even after she found out has tried to forgive you for over a year, so you've had even more chances already. You've already had more chances than is reasonable by any stretch of the imagination.
It's time to for once "man up" and live honorably again and that means taking full responsibility for your mistakes by accepting the consequences and not trying to avert them. Yes this means probably losing your family. The best you can do is to go about adjusting to your new life without your wife, and maybe where your children also hate you or lose respect for you. Maybe some day they will each forgive you in their own way and on their own time, or maybe not. That's not for you to decide. Trying to keep your wife around after what you did to her is just more selfishness whereby you want to escape the consequences of your actions.
Leave your mistress alone. She owes you nothing, just as you owed her nothing. It's not her problem that your life is falling apart because of YOUR decisions. If her life falls apart because of the affair that's her own problem. Again, you need to take personal responsibility of accepting the consequences for your decisions and actions.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2012): Well its a puzzle straight out of the box now - its all an unsorted mess right now. Its confusing, which piece do you start with and how do you put it all together again....
I'm not sure anyone has the answer right now.
What you consider half an hour of casual sex every second week over a period of two years, your wife views as hundreds of stabs to the heart. Obviously she values sex in a different way than you do. To her, sex is sacred and meant to be between two people who love another - you going else where obviously shattered the very fabric of her value system.
I feel so sorry for her. It must be painful to stay. I'm not sure if in the long run this situation is tolerable at all. I hope she finds happiness and peace.
I think the first thing you have to recognize is, just how important sex is and how it should be valued. What you did was a horrific thing. You need to exhibit remorse, shame, disgust...she needs to see you suffer.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2012): You can't prove to your wife that you love her and that you'll never hurt her again. It's impossible after what you did. I'm sorry but you have to accept the reality that this is Game Over. Once a glass is shattered into a million pieces there's just no way to put it back no matter how sorry and remorseful you may sincerely be.
I would advise you to stop trying to win your wife back. Just stop. Your wife has known about the affair for 14 months. That's a shorter time than the affair itself lasted. That's just putting this into perspective, OK. And for one third of your marriage you lied about it. And unless you suddenly decided to break your decade-long silence and confess, your wife found out on her own thus further further proving your dishonesty.
I seriously doubt your wife knows what she's talking about when she says she wants to talk to your mistress about what you both did with each other. More likely, your wife is consumed in her pain and hurt.
I would really advise that you think about divorce. That may be the only way for your wife to heal and move on with her life rather than wallowing in unresolvable pain, and for you to move on with your life as well rather than be punished forever and seeking redemption from someone who is just unable to give it after what you did to her. If you truly love your wife as you claim, then let her go out of respect for her.
If she doesn't want to get divorced for whatever reason, then I suggest that you just let her be and don't you dare try to rush along her healing process just so you can feel better. Don't try all these superficial things to win her over like buying her flowers, putting ads in the paper - all of those mean nothing after what you did and the secrets you kept for so long. If you allow her to divorce you and she won't for whatever reason, then you just have to learn to live with your new marriage where your wife may forever hate you yet won't divorce you. some people can stay messed up like that for a long time when their partner betrays them.
Reality has changed. YOU were the one who changed it. Now you need to accept it and live with it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2012): Wow!! What a nightmare you have created for your wife and kids. That pretty much answered MY question about men and infidelity... 2 and a half years?? You claim it was purly sexual?... My ass it was!... People like you really crush my faith in ever getting married. I hope she leaves you and finds a wonderful and trusting man that she deserves. ** What comes around, goes around ** Karma baby
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reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (20 March 2012):
 There's nothing more than I can add to what Aunty Bim Bim has said, there is the pain of a lady who has been cheated upon talking to you. You cannot do anything to wipe out the pain and the hurt that you have given her. Do you realize how unbelievably shallow you sound when you say you bring her flowers and tell her how lovely she looks? This woman has given you her life and all you have done is that you have betrayed her and shattered her, and to make up for it you think she will be moved by flowers? Which planet are you living in? Do you think women are that foolish?
Its not something that you can undo in a week or a month or even for years to come. And stop expecting the other woman to clean up your mess.
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female
reader, Miamine +, writes (20 March 2012):
Ok, Mr Husband who had an affair for only 2years...I think you need to understand just how much damage you done for your easy bit of sex.You say you got 2 sons... well suppose someone runs one down and then sends you flowers and says sorry.....How long would it take you to forgive?Yes forgiveness is possible... but the question your asking.. is how long and what magic gift would sort things out?Your wife knows where this woman lives, if she really needs to talk to her she will track her down. But I don't think it'll make any difference, and it might even make things worse. When wives want to talk to your sex friends, they ask tons of questions, like what you did in bed, how many times you kissed, lots of lots of questions so they can torture themselves and hate you even more.If she meets this woman and the woman says "we just had sex"... I can't see this making any difference at all.Just keep on doing what your doing... nothing else you can do. More adverts in newspapers, more declarations of love, more and more and more, till you got no pride left at all...Hold back on the renewing vows thing, too quick, unfaithful cheating husbands don't get out of jail that quick... maybe try a second honeymoon though... not that it will solve the problem, but heck, your wife deserves everything you've got to give and a hell of a lot more.She can't forgive, because her head is still in torment, her heart and trust are broken, the nightmares you've given her follow her night and day, maybe if they ever stop she'll be able to give you an answer.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2012): cheating is one thing but for two years with the same woman two years is a very long time and i am not convinced it was just sex as you have stated now thats hard to swallow by anyones standards
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reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (19 March 2012):
 My qualification to answer: I was a woman much cheated upon by husband.
The woman you had the affair with does not owe you anything, stop harrassing her with letters to help you with the marriage you shit on, and sorry for the use of that word, but I don't think you are yet grasping the concept of what you have done here.
For two years you had sex with another woman, for those two years, every day, you shit on your wife and you shit on your kids and you shit on everything your wife believed she had, the future she thought she was looking at, and you shit on the dreams of her heart she held dear. And the shitty thing about shit, is that it sticks and stinks.
By having sex outside your marriage you were effectively telling your wife she wasn't sexy enough, good looking enough, clever enough, for you, in fact you were letting her know the woman she thought she was didn't actually exist.
Public notices wont remove the smell, flowers wont remove the smell, moving house is certainly not going to remove the sticky smelly shit. Especially not two years worth, thats a big pile of shit. Stop for a moment and imagine the size of that pile.
Got that picture in your head now? Now think how long its going to take to clear that pile away, its not going to happen over night, its not even going to happen in a few months, the stuff has been sitting there for so long the stain is going to take YEARS to remove.
If you want your family intact you are going to have to accept there are no quick answers. You are going to have to work at this night and day, with your every thought and action. I am sure you have heard the saying about trust taking years to build and only a second to destroy.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2012): I hate to say it but even if you dont end up divorced, you have blown the happy times. Your wife wont ever trust you again now. She will never be the same again.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2012): husband that had the affair again.. I wanted to move away and start a fresh but my wife dosnt want to our 2 eldest boys live local and our 13 and 17 yr old dont want to move, we have been to councelling for 5 months but my wife wont go back she says she not ready to forgive yet, I have put 3 adverts in the local paper begging her for forgivnes and saying how sorry i am for everyone to see, it was the ow that told my brothers daughter about us and it got back to my wife. I have been to the other womans and posted 3 letters to her begging her to help me sort my marrige out i have asked her to write to her or just a phone call but she wont. I havnt left my wifes side for all the time she has known only if she has asked me to, I have asked her to renew our vowes i have even offered to singe the house over to her, just dont know what else i can do iv been so stupid for half an hour sex every other week iv lost everything i tell all our friends never ever to go and do what i have, Biggest mistake of my life.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2012): Were you giving a second thought about your love for her when you were having sex with another woman for 2 years? You don't care or love your wife, if you did, the affair wouldn't have lasted as long as it did (if at all) and you wouldn't have lied to her about it for 11 years. A mistake is doing something once and regretting it....you made the same mistake for 2 years over and over again. I'm sorry, but she really deserves better than to be with someone who only loves and wants her because she's about to leave. I wish her the best of luck in finding someone who will take their vows more seriously, and will love her enough to not even consider having an affair. You messed up, and now it's time to own up for the damage you've done in your marriage.
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female
reader, Blonde68 +, writes (19 March 2012):
 Thanks for your follow up. I am sorry that it hurt, but the truth always does, but you must realise that your wife is hurting a lot lot more right now.
It must be extremely difficult for your wife if this woman is local and I guess everyone knows about it too...Right? Have you suggested moving away and starting afresh somewhere new? Suggested counselling? If the woman won't talk to your wife, what about asking her to put it in writing to your wife instead?
Failing all that, why don't you show her what you have posted on here - she may just see that you are truly sorry for what you did.
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female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (19 March 2012):
 Telling your wife it was just sex and it meant nothing won't help because it isn't true. We understand, as your wife does, that you're not in love with that other woman, but she was obviously worth the risk of losing your family so being with her had to mean something. THAT is what your wife is thinking.
I'm not sure that speaking to her will actually help. Your wife is in a catch 22. She's got her imagination running wild picturing all the things you two may have done together. On the other giving her facts only gives her more to torment herself with. I really don't what is worse here.
Right now I don't think the issue is whether or not your apologies are sincere (and I think they are). It's whether your wife is willing and able to continue to make a life with and big sacrifices for a man who is obviously prepared to supplement what he doesn't get at home elsewhere. She has given up a great deal to be a wife and mother and now she feels played for a fool and left out.
It has to be worth her while to keep you around. Besides apologies, what are you offering her that she can't get on her own or elsewhere?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2012): A two and a half year affair is not a brief fling, ok it was mainly physical but I don't buy that you were not emotionally involved. I'm sure the other woman cared something for you. It was a while ago so I'm not surprised the other woman does not want to get involved with satisfying your wife about anything. Why would she want to? This is your problem. Partners do sometimes forgive affairs. Your only way is to say that despite everything you always loved her and you want to be together. Do it with all your heart. She is within her rights to tell you where to go. But if you are a lucky man, she MAY give you the benefit of the doubt.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2012): ITs me who had the affair thanks for you replys whats been said really hurts. My wife has seen the other woman she knows who she is, she is the local woman who likes her men,I always wore a condom my wife wants to just hear from the other woman that i am telling the truth, which i am she meant nothing to me,she never bought me anything nor i her just visited her in her house every other week, n yea it was a long time because it was made so easy for me and it was me that ended it. it was just over 2 yrs not 2 and half as stated not that it makes much difference.
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reader, Blonde68 +, writes (19 March 2012):
I am sorry to say but I doubt your wife will ever forgive or forget and no matter what you try and do to win her heart back, it will NEVER EVER be the same again! Two years is a very long time to have betrayed a loved one.
My advice is, let her go - if you truly love her you will do just that and allow her to find true happiness - It appears that you have broken something that can never be fixed..... Your wifes heart!
However, I am curious to know how your wife came to find out about it only 14 months ago when it was an affair you had 11 years previous? I don't think meeting up with the other woman will win your wife back. Your wife just probably wants to know what she looks like, what you saw in her etc... its sometimes a woman thing and we have to have closure.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (19 March 2012):
 Well, first of all you are lying in your post and to yourself if you "claim" to not know why you did it. You know exactly why you did it.
If the OW doesn't want to talk to your wife (and I don't blame her I'm sure that woman doesn't give a flying fart about anyone but herself) then YOU need to talk to your wife and figure out what SHE needs from you in order to rebuild the trust and love she lost for you. Maybe some couples therapy sessions might be in order.
2 1/2 is a LONG affair, but I think it was so much the length of the affair but the deceit, disrespect and pure inconsideration that is hurting your wife.
I'm sorry, I've only been married 13 years, but as much as I love and cherish my husband, if he cheated once, I might find it in my heart to forgive, but if it happened again he'd be out the door. If he cheated on my for 2 1/2 year with someone else.. yea, he wouldn't get a second chance.
Buying her flower and being attentive now, might be a little to little and a little too late.
You really need to talk TO your wife. With honestly and no more lies. You have conditioned yourself to lie and lie and lie when facing the "music" because like most people you don't like getting "caught". So STOP the lies. Lying isn't going to spare your wife's feelings or make you less of a "bad" guy.
No one JUST have a 2 1/2 year affair for the sex. There is always more to an affair then that or it wouldn't have lasted that long. So I wouldn't believe you either.
OWN your actions, man!
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reader, Miamine +, writes (19 March 2012):
Two and a half years of you sticking your dick in a place it didn't belong, then coming home and lying and being two faced and pretending everything is all right... That's what your fighting against.
Put your self in your wife's shoes. Suppose she now comes and tells you that for two years she was having sex with some guy that came round to do the plumbing. And whilst you was eating your dinner she was laughing and smiling and thinking about her lover... Wonder if you'd be happy with a box of chocolates, some flowers and you'd forget and think, yep, my marriage is right back on track.
The woman doesn't want to get involved. That is her right, it's not her marriage and it's not her wife. All you can do is what your doing. Tell your wife that the woman won't talk and you can't force her. Keep on with the nice treatment.... 2 and half years lying and cheating and sexing somebody else.... if your wife decides to keep you, then probably 5 to 10 years in hell, begging and pleading and saying I love you, might make her trust you again. And then maybe not, it's hard to know you've lived with a liar for 11 years.
You say you love her.. well prove it... love means you don't give up, you keep on begging for forgiveness... A man in love will do whatever it takes... Grow a skin as thick as an elephant, and hope your wife loves you enough/is generous enough to forgive you one day.
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female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (19 March 2012):
 If the other woman won't step forward with her side of the affair then you have no choice but to wait and see what your wife decides to do. A two and half year affair is hardly a "fling" so be prepared for the worst Buddy. This may be one betrayal that time can't fix.
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female
reader, delightful84 +, writes (19 March 2012):
My sympathy goes out to your wife. You suddenly realise how much you love her the moment you stand to lose her? The other woman DID mean something to you, she meant enough to risk losing your wife for.
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reader, bronzed adonis +, writes (19 March 2012):
 You actually have shown your wife how much you love her by having an affair.
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