A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:hi erm i new too this but i need help. my wife to be broke up with me and it still hurts. ive started drinking alot an fighting aswell i havent spoke to my mates or my dad for months! i just feel soo small and worthless ive not seen another girl for about 4 months or maybe more please help
View related questions:
broke up Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Myrrh +, writes (19 December 2010):
 Hello. Im sorry to hear you suffered a break up. Its always a shame when people get hurt like that. Im afraid it happens to all of us at some time or another, you arent alone.
There will have been things she wasnt happy about for her to go. So trying to hold on to her would only have caused you more suffering. People that can talk about things when they are unhappy are the lucky ones. Because talking really does help. If youve found you cant talk to your family or friends, then who do you talk to?
You need someone to chat to. Bottling things up then drinking and fighting doesnt really help. It might seem as if you are letting off steam and getting rid of the negative feelings and thoughts. But as you will know, that only works for a little while and then you are right back at Square One.
You arent small and you arent worthless.
You might feel that way at the moment. But thats because your confidence has taken a knock. Ive been there a few times and know how you feel. Its normal to feel like you do for awhile.
You might think this is boring and not what you want to hear. But the best advice i can give you is to talk to people. Let your mates know you havent been feeling too great since the break up. Talk to your mum or a sister. Even a girl cousin. Girls are very good at giving advice and comfort when you are feeling down. Just give it a try. You will start to feel better, once you let your people in and allow them to help you get back on your feet again. Seriously, if drinking and fighting helped. You would be fine by now. But drink will only take how you feel and make it ten times worse. So try looking to your people for a little help and forget the drink. It will only make you feel worse. Take care.
A
female
reader, Abella  +, writes (19 December 2010):
 The good thing in all this is that you can still write a coherent question and you can still recognise that you have a problem that needs fixing. Keep drinking and fighting and you will not even be able to do that
Your Wife to be (fiance?)got out for her own protection. She experienced a less than positive environment with you, so she left.
You started drinking more to drown your sorrows. But keep it up and it will spiral down further where you will live only to having your life revolving around sleeping off the last drinking session until you wake and get ready to go out for your next drink.
Don't believe it could get worse? Ask me and I can expand further.
My father was an alcoholic. He never thought he had a problem, it was aways everyone else's fault. But he died young from alcohol related abuse of his body without ever seeing his own children even complete grade school.
Right now you have nothing to offer another girl, nor your former fiance.
But a solution is available.
You can offer yourself something, to get out of this.
But you have to desperately want to get out of this mess. Only you can fix up this mess and get back to seeing your Dad and building your belief in yourself. You know you need to look up a phone contact for Alcoholics Anonymous
Smart people make that call. This problem is your problem. It has to be worked on and fixed by you
what is the alternative?
Ask a doctor in Accident and Emergency any Sat night, where security have to stand either side of the spewing drunk, to protect other seriously ill patients.
Ask the ambulance staff who pick up bodies from the gutter with their heads bashed in after a fight.
Ask the nurse in an Aged Care facility about the 50 year old man propped up in the corner, his hands shaking with delirium tremors, his face blank after brain damage to his brain from years of alcoholism and, unseen to you, about to have his diaper changed, since he can no longer control his body functions as a complication of medical issues exacerbated by his alcoholism.
Ask the police as they take a aggressive drunk off to the cells, after the drunk has glassed a girl's face, ruining her face forever.
Ask the courts after another drunk is led off to prison for killing a child (walking to school) after the still drunk driver mounted the kerb while trying to drive home from drinking all night/all day, still drunk in the morning.
Get that help from AA now before your life gets a whole lot more terrifying.
Besides, if you keep drinking you will get this massive ugly hard bulging overflowing beer gut and no pretty girl will even want to look at you.
I would also suggest anger management traning, but that is premature.
Alcohol is your demon to be fixed, and urgently.
Go get help now, join AA, and get fitter and your life will be reborn. Your father will be proud of you. And you will find your self esteem returns. But only you can take the first step to make this happen.
.
...............................
A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (18 December 2010):
Hi there. The main thing to consider, is the reason your wife broke up with you in the first place.
Is it something that can be fixed?
Was there a third person involved, or did she just think that she got married too young and simply wanted change in her life?
18-21 years old is really young to even consider marriage. Many people these days are settling down much later than that. People usually like to get to know themselves better and who they are, before they decide on something such as marriage. It's a huge step in anyone's life.
Your anger is also probably as a result of you feeling your self confidence has taken a battering. So consequently, you need to start believing in yourself again, and start feeling good about yourself.
Unfortunately, drinking is not going to make her come back to you, nor is fighting. These are just the things you are using to take out your frustration - a kind of outlet, I guess.
If you want to vent your anger somehow, seek instead a more peaceful and healthy alternative. Why don't you try going for long walks after work, say for about 30 minutes or up to an hour if you can manage it.
Walking is a great way of clearing the head, and is quite therapeutic, as while you are in motion, many thoughts and ideas come and go. Many problems become clarified also. And after a nice long relaxing walk, you feel absolutely great! You might even want to make it a daily habit in your life.
The question is, do you want your wife to come back to you, or do you just want to feel better about everything? This is a question you need to ask yourself. Once you can answer this, you can then decide in which direction you wish to proceed from that point on. Only then, can you move forward, once and for all.
As well as asking this question, you also need to ask yourself - "What is it that I really want?" AND "How would I like my life to be right now?"
It's just not possible to proceed in any direction without knowing this. It's a really important starting point.
It's important now that you don't try to hurry to get into another new relationship just yet. You are doing the right thing anyway, as you said you haven't wanted to see anyone for a few months. Just give yourself some space.
At the same time as I say this, don't isolate yourself from your friends and family either. People do need people, it does help put things into balance, by talking to others. The more time you keep to yourself, the worse it will all seem. So partly, you are probably feeling a general sense of loneliness, not just missing your wife - but missing all people generally.
You need to get back out there and just talk to people. It's really important. Don't delay human contact any longer.
The more time you spend on your own, the more toxic your thoughts can become, to the point where everything is just blown up right out of proportion to reality. This is the significance of regular human contact. I can't stress the importance of this, quite enough.
Take care and best wishes.
...............................
|
