A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My wife and I have been together since we were 20, married since we were 23 and trying for a baby since we were 24. We're now 29 and recently (two months ago) found out that she is infertile. When we got the news, we were both devastated but my wife fell into a deep depression for a few weeks. She cried and cried over the fact that she can never give me biological children.Now, I've always wanted a big family. Four or five children has always been my ideal and it's always been hers as well. And I'm not going to leave her, though, because of this. But I was never really open to adoption or IVF or anything because I wanted biological children. Since the circumstances have changed, I'll adopt every one of them if it makes my wife happy. I've told her this several times and I know she understands that.But she keeps going on about how she's a failure and she's "broken" and "invalid" because she can't carry my children inside her uterus. I don't know what else to do. Any suggestions? I really don't want to be older than my parents when they had me (an only child). They were 35...Thanks!
View related questions:
trying for a baby Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, natasia  +, writes (24 August 2011):
 You haven't explained exactly what your wife's infertility entails. For example, you say she couldn't carry a pregnancy - but would it be possible for her egg to be used and the baby to be carried by a surrogate? In this way, although she wouldn't have been pregnant, the child/ren would be yours and hers biologically.
There are so many technologies now. Having a child by IVF is like assisted nature - it is a way of helping people to have children that are partially, if not all, biologically theirs. Eg, if your wife's eggs cannot be used, at least your sperm could, so the child/ren would be biologically yours.
Adoption is a whole different issue. I would say you have to be the right sort of person for this - you have to be immensely positive, and very accepting, and scrupulously kind and generous. All parents have to be that, but I think even more so when agreeing to parent someone else's child.
I would first explore the biological options. See if you can come up with something that might cheer your wife up. I feel so incredibly sorry for her. I can't believe there's nothing that can be done. There must be.
A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (17 August 2011):
I suppose this really must be the biggest deal for her right now. Even women who don't want children, who are then told they can't have them feel this way, so I guess this tops the 'bad things that can happen to a woman' list.
Before considering adoption or anything like that, I would suggest that your wife receives counselling, and that you stand by her. She has to come to terms with this before she can do anything else, or adoption could make her craving for her own children even harder to deal with.
Start by really spending time with your wife and getting her help to come to terms with what has happened. Then you'll stand a better chance of moving forward together, and adoption might be a very real possibility.
...............................
A
female
reader, baby-blue-eyes +, writes (17 August 2011):
im 16 and was told i couldnt have kids this past january (something like a 5% chance of getting pregnant and high risk if i do get pregnant ill miscarry or the baby could be born with birth defects ) and i went through all those feelings and i still do have some of them especially will i be able to find a guy who loves me enough not to mind not being able to have kids. its hard for any woman to be told this we feel like a failure. all you can do is support your wife. but like eyeswideopen said anybody can knock somebody up it doesnt mean they'll make great parents. theyre a number of options open surrogacy adoption etc. just keep bieng supportive and reassuring her and maybe check out some support sites
...............................
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (17 August 2011):
 Any goofball can get knocked up or knock someone up, but it takes true character to be a wonderful Mom or Dad. Adopt a child.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2011): Hey listen what she is going threw is perfectly natural you must not worry to much.
I am 29 have been with my husband for 3 years and we have been trying to no avail for the entire 3years to have a baby.
The doctors all say we are very fertile and that we must be patient, they wont offer us IVF as we are not infertile,
we are what they are calling 'unexplained imfertility" which doesnt help or make us feel any better....
all i know is untill i fall pregnant i will always have this nagging thing at the back of my mind telling me i am not a real woman as i cant get pregnant.....
so believe me i know what she is going threw; just do as my husband is doing and be very patient with her, be there for her and try to divert her mind of of it by focussing on different parts of your relationship.
Also tell her there are litereally thousands of women in Uk that is going threw exactly what she is going threw and so she is really nit alone. Also try to tell her to look up some of these support websites for infertile couples that are going threw this challenging time in there lives.
Takecare.
T. west london
...............................
A
female
reader, sammy1986 +, writes (17 August 2011):
really sorry to hear that you could maybe try a surrogate using your sperm try talk to your wife and just see what she thinks just keep reasuring your wife that she,s not a failure and that you love her and will be there for her
...............................
|
