A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I met Craig* almost 6 months ago. He's in his mid 40's and as the title states, he's married. He also has children who're close to my age (I'm 21). We're in a band together and meet once a week for band practice so, I see him fairly often. I was only slightly attracted to him when I first met him, but I've gradually become increasingly besotted by him; I meticulously choose my outfit before I go to band practice and my stomach even flips when I'm on my way there because I'm thinking about seeing him.We never have opportunity to be alone together because we only ever see one another at practice, but whenever I am around him, I find myself giving off classic body language signals that I'm attracted to him, and become very self-conscious (though I try my best to stop it when I do catch myself). I also can't help but try and scan him for any potential signs that may reveal he's attracted to me on a mutual level, too. Sometimes our practices our very casual and relaxed and we all sit around chatting away. During such times, he seems to let go a little and I catch him staring at me sometimes, we often exchange grins and looks between one another, there's often the odd bit of accidental touching (I mean bumping into one another; skimming of hands) and there's ALWAYS banter between him and another band member (who's also his best mate and who I think definitely fancies me though the feeling's not mutual) about penis size. And although all this could just be completely meaningless, I take it all in and try to analyse and dissect it.I even get him to run me home from practice rather than get a lift with any of the other guys in the band. That's the only time we get alone together, and although he's jokey and talkative whilst around all the others, the car journey is usually pretty quiet. Sometimes just the bare minimum conversation and silence for the rest of the way, during which I'm often thinking about how I wish I could just blurt out how I feel about him and get him to stop the car somewhere and let me have my wicked way with him! I don't think I could attempt to initiate anything like that with him though - I'd be way too afraid that he'd reject my advances and all that that entails...As you can imagine, I am always thinking about him or fantasising about him when I'm not with him. I even think to myself, if I knew he would let me seduce him in reality, would I honestly want to? I've asked myself this about certain crushes on older men I've had before and it's made me realise that I wouldn't REALLY want to sleep with them. But that's not the case in this instance - I want this man so badly.Unfortunately for me though, he is married. In fact, I honestly and truly do like his wife and get along well with her. Sometimes I wish she was a horrible person and that I didn't like her because it makes me feel guilty. I would never normally have thought of what I'm about to say acceptable, but I often think that if Craig does share my feelings, that we should sleep together, just once, as it's a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity for him and for me, though more so for him - he's unlikely to have another young woman like me come by and feel the way I do about him and I'm unlikely to meet another attractive, decent, older man like him who I could sleep with (I've always wanted to try sleeping with an older, more experienced man). I know that's morally wrong but if he and I were to keep it between us and no one else knew or ever found out, then in everyone else's minds, it never happened. It all really gets me down because I know that in all probability, the ideas I have about Craig and I will never come to fruition, no matter how much I want them to. Yet, I can't rid him from my mind. There will be times in the future when the band go out on the town to drink and socialise with one another outside of practice because we've discussed it. But I worry that if we do, I might say or do something to Craig that makes my feelings toward him obvious if I get drunk enough. I just wish I could stop feeling like this about him.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2011): You sound like an intelligent and decent young woman who is quite aware of the consequences of being the 'other woman' to this guy. You know he's a no-go and it's tearing you up because you want something badly that you just can't have. There's nothing wrong with that and most people go through it at some point in their lives. We're hard-wired to want what is unavailable to us.It sounds like you wouldn't try anything with Craig unless he made the first move so let's hope he doesn't. He probably is attracted to you too though so don't fret about that - most 40-something year old men I know would be very flattered if they thought a 21 year old girl fancied them. And it's certainly not an opportunity that comes along for most married 40-somethings! Especially if he's one of those older guys most other girls your age don't seem to fancy (I get crushes on those types all the time!).If you're subconsciously giving out body language signals that you're attracted to him, chances are he'll pick up on them. That's nature. The fact that he hasn't given you any obvious hint about feeling the same way doesn't necessarily mean that he doesn't like you too, but more likely shows that he probably doesn't think having an affair with you is a good idea. Which means he's probably very decent and selfless but nature being the bitch that she is, would have it so that this make you feel even MORE attracted to him. Look at it from his perspective - he has a hell of a lot more to lose than you do. If you pair had an affair and got rumbled, you would eventually be able to pick yourself back up and get on with the rest of your life as normal. However, he'd lose his wife (or her trust at the very LEAST) and his kids would probably disown him. Maybe your feelings towards him ARE mutual but he's decided it is quite simply not worth the risk to do anything about it. The solution I'd offer you is to just enjoy the fantasies you have about Craig - chances are they're better than the real thing anyway! You won't feel this way about him forever, at least not as intensely as you do now. Someone else will come along and sweep you off your feet eventually and Craig will no longer be the man at the forefront of your mind. Let's just hope the next guy's available!
A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (17 August 2011):
 You have to look at it this way - it is not a once in a lifetime opportunity for Craig, it would not be a good thing for him, in fact it would be a once in a lifetime opportunity to ruin his life.
He has a wife and children, he is happily married and wouldnt even look at a girl like you twice. What makes you think that just because you are young that is a good enough reason to cheat? I'm sure he has had a number of opportunities with younger women in his life, if he is an attractive older guy then you wont have been the first girl to throw themselves at him.
But clearly he is a good guy, who loves his wife and family and is mature enough to resist the temptations of a younger silly woman and be faithful to the woman he loves. That is what you need to learn about older men - as much as you get the old creepy guys who like younger girls, most men in their late 30's/40's are pretty mature and sensible, they dont want a younger woman because of all the drama and because of how immature these girls are. They want a loving, committed relationship without all the drama that younger women bring. They can appreciate a younger woman's beauty, but they can also appreciate how beautiful their wives & girlfriends are. They are now old enough not to be led by their dicks and beauty isnt everything to them anymore. Plus if they have kids, their wives often become more beautiful in their eyes because she is the mother of his children and that is a big deal.
You just want to have sex with an older guy - it is not Craig that you want, it is just the experience with an older man and Craig just happens to be in the right place right now. So you have picked him as your target without thinking of the consequences.
Yes you might be able to keep your mouth shut if you did have sex so in your head no-one will ever find out, but what about the guilt Craig would have to live with? Cheating on your wife for the sake of a quick shag with a cheap younger woman is not something that is going to make him feel good, he will have a hard time living with that and keeping it from his wife. Often cheaters simply cant live with the guilt so eventually they blurt it out. Or his wife might spot signs of the cheating and confront him, or even confront you.
Keeping it quiet seems easy in theory, but in reality it is not that simple.
I know you are having your fantasies about him and this all seems like great fun to you, but you are playing with fire and this has the potential to hurt so many people. It really isnt worth the problems it can cause, hurting his wife, children.....all for the sake of you fulfilling your fantasy of sex with an older man?! Be sensible here and get a grip of yourself.
There are plenty of attractive, older single guys out there, if you really want an older man then go out and find one. Just not Craig. There will be plenty of dating sites I'm sure that can find you an older man, or even the normal dating sites will have plenty of men on there of all ages so you can find one you like the look of.
But one thing you should know (and I have slept with a man 15 years older than me, I'm 24) - regardless of their age, sex with men is pretty much always the same. They all like blow jobs, they all enjoy sex in the same positions, and they will all try and get away with as little foreplay as possible. Just because a man has more experience in the bedroom doesnt make him any better, he is not all of a sudden going to become a god in the bedroom when he hits 35 or 40. Admittedly, the older guy I slept with was great in the bedroom, but I have slept with guys closer to my own age who were equally good. Sometimes an older man can actually develop bad habits in the bedroom that he sticks with, whereas with a younger guy they are far easier to teach them new tricks!
Older men are not all they are cracked up to be, and a married older man is definitely a no go. Dont embarass yourself by telling him how you feel, just admire him from afar and try and find a new guy to focus your attentions on. And try and spend as little time as possible alone with Craig, that way your feelings will slowly disappear.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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