A
male
age
51-59,
*061sarahs
writes:Hi all.I got a prob that I think I’m stuck with.I been married for year and half and things ain’t too pretty. My wife is thinking that I’m seeing other women and hiding things from her. I have a friend, T, that lives south of England, I’m in the North, who is having marriage problems. She has put on loads of weight and feels suicidal. So I sent a reassuring text back, as friends do, saying that no matter what, you are a gorgeous genuine person and so on. Wife checks text message and gets wrong idea. She now, at a chance, checks all my texts and history on my pc.Its not just that, I try to talk to her and she talks over me, raises her voice, slams doors, uses the f word. She says it makes her feel good, but I try to explain that it doesn’t solve our problems. I am so fed up of it, the accusations, assumptions. Talking over me when I try to explain things. There's many more things I could type but it just gets me down. Sick and tired of it all.She was seeing a counsellor for issues she has in her head but then stopped after 3 weeks cos it wasn’t working. Again I try to suggest go back because you need to get the probs out of your head. It isn’t helping us to move forwards. My obvious next move is, if it carries on, I’m going..I'm not perfect, but I do know my head is on sorting this. I need to, we need to.
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female
reader, mrswaldhauser +, writes (16 January 2013):
 Having read the messages you are thankful for and not the others it seems you are very oneminded about all of this. Are you having marital problems other than this? Did you and your wife have a fun and healthy sex life before all this started? If not and your wife was feeling insecure previous to this, this would make her feel everything she has been thinking of herself in her own mind is correct. She obviously is in need of a big confidence boost. Janniepeg - I think you are correct that nobody should invade the others privacy. Are you married? What you need to also take into consideration is that this lady found out about these messages from her husband by looking at his phone, showing he is hiding things from her. If he had been more open about the whole thing and perhaps even showed her what he was sending then she wouldn't think half as badly about it. Telling another woman she is gorgeous is a little silly when you are married also, especially if this lady is feeling insecure. It is the job of the partners to boost eachothers self esteem. This keeps a marriage afloat. Because if you don't feel your partner thinks very much of you then you aren't going to think much of yourself either and this causes wives to fly off the handle in situations like this.
A
male
reader, 1061sarahs +, writes (14 January 2013):
1061sarahs is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you to daisie daise and janniepeg for their constructive and guiding answers. The thoughtful nature of the reply has given me strength and added protection. I shall take your words with me and use them.
Thank you so much for your time. All the very best to you both.
.1061sarahs
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 January 2013): I totally agree with the above post. I would be feeling insecure if my bf. was texting those kinds of words like *gorgeous* to another female. Only a wife wants to hear those things, no matter what.
It's nice that you are trying to help her but you need to limit and chose your words more carefully. I think your friend is the one that really needs the counselling. Just remember that your wife's feelings should come first to you ;)
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A
male
reader, the_phoenic +, writes (14 January 2013):
your wife might be covering a thing up
by bringing up this story from no where,
watch her closely buddy
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A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy +, writes (13 January 2013):
 I think she has to back to the counselling sessions. She can't expected to be 'fixed' in three weeks, and she also can't expect any improvement unless she engages with the therapist. That involves being totally honest with the therapist and herself, and being open to change.
You should tell her that you can't tolerate her behaviour. Tell her that unless she shows that she's willing to make an effort to change, starting with going back to counseling, you're not able to put up with any more.
You must tell her that you're at breaking point. It might give her an incentive to sort herself out. If nothing changes, you gave her due notice.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (13 January 2013):
 Your wife should not be checking your phone. She does not have a right to check your phone and computer. Her therapy is not working because she refused to acknowledge she was in the wrong. She could even be lying to the therapist, making her imaginations the real thing.
People always say silent treatment is bad but I am afraid this is what you need to keep your sanity. If she keeps on pestering you for an argument and disrespecting your space then divorce is what you need to do. She is unlikely the one willing to move out so you have to prepare for an alternative living situation.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2013): My husband also has a friend who lives up North that is going through intense personal issues. He too send texts to her and gives her comfort and support and sends similar texts to the one you sent. She will ring him for support, crying and attention seeking and I really don't like it and it makes me feel insecure. Your wife feels threatened by this woman and it is making her behave irrationally and making her feel extremely insecure. You are going to have to limit the texts or calls to your friend as your wife is now very pissed off and will check everything. I am sure to you it is perfectly normal - a friend needs help and you are there but your wife does not and will not see it the same way. She is suspicious about all the things you may or may not be up to now and will want to check your phone, pc etc for reassurance that you are not doing anything. If you want to continue being in touch with your friemd you may have to set some ground rules to appease your wife before it gets further out of hand. You may need to say that so and so will always be in my life but you have nothing to be worried about and lay some rules or you may end up not being able to speak to any lady without being thought of suspiciously.
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