A
male
age
,
anonymous
writes:my wife and i have been married for 18 years but have known each other over 20 years, she is 44 , i am 57,she is not adventurous at all in the bedroom. i have asked to do a few things like, play with her breasts when we make love, i have asked her to do mutual masturbation, where sexy clothing like stockings and suspenders , all to no avail.i have lately asked her can she by a vibrator or dildo of her choice as i can't always get an erection. she seems non interested towards anything i ask for,she will not even watch pornography to help us out. i am at my wits end, she has always been difficult in the bedroom scene but it is just getting worse and i am very frustrated ,what do i do to put some spark back in our sex life when it is like a battle field.i have always been adventurous but i do not hurt her or be nasty towards her, i just want passion and adventure, i am really frustrated ,help,help,help.
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 March 2011): I agree most women are stressed by household work, thats why they are not too interested in sex, or rather they feel sex is extra work. Its better to calm her down get them some spa or massage treatments. Take her to dinner or meals for a couple of days. They might calm down a little bit and have some time to relax.
A
female
reader, moon river +, writes (31 March 2011):
 Maybe try whatever she wants to first and then it will only be fair for her to give yours a chance.Maybe she is jut extremely shy, romance her and tell her how beautiful you find her to boost her confidence.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 March 2011): Often problems in the bedroom relate closely to problems out of the bedroom. With women in particular, stress, tiredness, and workload pressures can devastate sex drive. Many women now have careers, and STILL do way more childcare and housework than men. In that context, it's easy for them to start feeling that sex is just another demand that they have to satisfy, rather than something special to enjoy with a partner. I don't know what your domestic situation is, but it's possible this is true of your relationship.
Try taking pressure off her outside of the bedroom, either by doing more housework and pulling more weight yourself, or by getting domestic help (e.g. a cleaner if you can afford it). If she feels less tired, her sex drive may return. Also, if she has time to look after herself, e.g. exercising etc., her self-esteem may climb, and that may help with the shyness.
Find out what's stressing her out, and fix THAT. The sex issue may well then solve itself.
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female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (31 March 2011):
 I agree that you need the element of surprise. I don't suggest jumping out of the closet dressed as Batman!! but small things that start outside the bedroom, kissing and stroking her. You might have to go back to basics and romance her, wine and dine, flowers etc. Women love that stuff...make her feel special and tell her how beautiful she is and how much you love her.
Suggesting porn and dildos is probably a little much for a sex shy woman, you have to be subtle and win her over before you introduce something new. Also making it all about her rather than your own gratification and what you want might get results.
Think sensual rather than raw sex, you are more likely to win her trust and consent that way.
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A
female
reader, LustyLisa  +, writes (31 March 2011):
Not everyone embraces sexually adventurous activities and just as sexless says, you should be very well aware of your beloved's sexual limits and bondaries. Even couples who are less mismatched than you two are often find that libido and sence of adventure waines as a result of the aging process. She's simply not interested in what you are suggesting and she's not sexual enough to come up with suggestions on her own that may or may not please you. You said it yourself, "she's always been difficult in the bedroom" so why do you think she's going to all of a sudden have a revelation about her sex drive and willingness to experiment with adventurousness? It's even possible that you may be responsible for her lack of desire. I'm getting a condesending and judgemental vibe from your post, so if I'm feeling it, I'm sure your wife is too. All I hear is "me", "me, "me", what about her? There has to be SOMETHING you can do to appeal to her, but looking at things from only your point of veiw is leaving you blinded to what may actually help. Suggesting porn would be a flat out deal breaker for me and I would personally stop having sex with you all together had I been your Mrs! Books like "Sheet Music" and "She comes first" would have been a better suggestion than porn and would have shown more consideration towards her as a woman than porn. Maybe she would prefer more romantic loungerie than garter belts and stockings. Maybe you don't stimulate her breats in a way she finds pleasing. Masterbation is a deeply personal matter and not all people, not just women, would find mutual masterbation to revealing or too uncomfortable to share with someone else. I'm not big on vibrators and I especially don't want dildos and other similar objects in my vagina. She is a human being that you've been married to for 18 yrs and you are treating her more like an object that's supposed to do what you want-when you want it.
I'm not saying that you shouldn't be able to talk about your fantasies and desires with your spouse. It's the "when" and "how" that's critical. Don't just spring things on her while being intimate that will only serve to make her more resistant. Most women want their husbands to be pleased and satified in the bedroom as long as they feel that their partner respects them and their limits and boundaries will be upheld.
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female
reader, sweetpie-x +, writes (31 March 2011):
Dont ask just DO IT!!! Because when you ask, she has to think about it, and if she doesnt like the thought of it then thats it, NOTHING! but if you just do it while having sex then she may actually like it, i know it might be a bit risky as she may really hate you for it after but there is always that chance it can help you! like me and my boyfriend we were boring to begin with just your standard missionary, and i was a bit weary of trying something new incase is hurt me or something, but one day my boyfriend just did something, ye i was shocked to begin with then i actually realised i loved it, now we try lots of new stuff and our sex life is better than ever!!
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male
reader, thomas1214  +, writes (31 March 2011):
have some kind of something that will stimulate her and you.
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A
female
reader, dorkychick  +, writes (31 March 2011):
 i disagree wid the reader above dont ever thnk of havin a relationship outside ur marriage as it will lead to ending ur long term marriage with the woman u love
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