A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I want my wife back even though she has had an affair for 5 months. We have a 4 year old daughter, and she says she is in love with the other guy. She told me she loves me, but she is not in love with me. She told me she misses the family aspect but she hasn't loved me in 4 years. I have done a lot of wrong in the past and I understand why she left me. We have done marriage counseling and it didn't help much at all. What should I do?
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2010): I think you need to ask yourself why you want her back. Is it possible that it may be selfish? Of course you have a child, but if she is truly unhappy then something needs to change for her to come back to you. It won't come otherwise, and if it does, she's given in - that is NOT a good thing. She would be unhappy and is coming to you as a last resort - do you want to be a last resort??
As some other people have said, patience would be a virtue in your case. Marriage and family is a BIG aspect of ife, and so takes a BIG amount of time for her to think about it - aswell as YOU.
You must consider what is best for you and for your child. You said that you've done a lot of wrong? Maybe it would only continue if you stayed together.
You say she might have been having an affair for five months? Maybe she's not the woman for you.
I know this may sound to you as depressing and potentially ominous... BUT THERE ARE MORE FISH IN THE SEA.
You need to get yourself a rod and reel another one in. The first fish you caught has given you a wonderful gift (your daughter) but you've let that fish back into the ocean again and it will be near impossible to catch it once more. Instead, look around and see everything else that is available to you. Look for where you can make a new start, and this time get the plot and the end right.
I was going to put myself as anonymous but I don't think that theirs a point.
I trust that you will do what ever it is you decide to do in an agreeable manner and DO BE PATIENT. You will lose track of your own actions and of others' if your hasty or sudden.
I wish you all the best, truly...
Believe in yourself and better yourself. You can pull through whatever life throws at you.
A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (9 June 2010):
 If she loves you,she will come back to you . You need to wait for the right timing for your ship to dock.
You cannot force this issue upon her and you need to move on.Do not go after her.It will only push her further away from you.
Men are creatures of habit. After she has wandered around and enough ,she would find that she wants to go back to the old habits.
That is the time , she will let her guards down and everything becomes possible.
Be patient.
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A
female
reader, Myrrh  +, writes (9 June 2010):
 Hi. If you recognize a lot of the problems in the marriage were a direct result of your behaviour and you have changed, thats a start. You cant make her love you again but you can be a stand up guy and prove to her you are worth a second chance! Many people go back to an ex so just be the best you can be and patient. Dont whine or pressure her. Dont mooch about in your "sweats" hugging a bargain bucket of wings, while telling anyone who will listen what a bitch she was to you. Its not sexy and will be a complete turn off. She may be enjoying her new found freedom... and the attention she may not have been getting from you? Its a heady mix if she hadnt been happy for some time and it could take a while to come back down to earth if she fancies herself in love. All you can do is be patient and wait. Im all for couples giving things another try. I think its worth it, especially when children are involved. As long as there was no violence in the relationship. I hope things do work out ok. In the mean time, be reliable and supportive towards your daughter. Because thats one little lady who will always be in your life if you treat her properly. Dont muddle her head with your thoughts on the break up. Its very unfair and confusing for children. If she asks questions just say you did some things that made mum unhappy and leave it at that. Never disrespect you wife in front of your child. Because as sure as eggs are eggs, any remarks you make about her will find their way back to her and cause trouble. In the meantime try and concentrate on yourself. Join a gym or take up running. Excercise is great for relieving stress. It will also improve your mood and general appearance. Treat yourself to new threads. Get a different hair cut. A few admiring glances from the ladies will give you a boost. In others words, dust yourself off and dont just sit home pining. Keep the door open for your ex and let her know its open. Be the best you can be and once she sees the changes are here to stay and not just words, she may reconsider. All the best.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2010): lets try this: the story line here is very similar to the one Isaac posted regarding his 5 month affair with a married man, the married woman has a 4 year old kid as well. Perhaps Isaac you may be best suited to help the poster out!
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (9 June 2010):
Realistically, if she doesn't love you and has had an affair and left, then this is something that isn't going to work again. The most important thing now is that you get yourself some counselling, and that you focus on being a good father. Your kids will need you. So focus on them.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2010): I am expereincing almost the same exact situation, except I'm her shoes, rather than yours. I will tell you, based on my situation, she probably does indeed have something left for you, but she has made a choice, and it doesn't point entirely to you...maybe not at all. You need to maintain dignity an dmove on. But whatever you guys do, do what's best for the child. Bottom line is you cant make someone love you, and you really dont need to try. You made a commitment to love her and you dont need to chase her down to prove it. Let it go, find yourself, live your life.
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A
female
reader, Moo's Mum  +, writes (9 June 2010):
 This is a hard situation for all involved. I guess all you can do is keep telling her you love her and that you realise you've been a complete arse and that you want to change. Go and have counselling for yourself and start showing her you want to change. Do stuff with the kids heaps and try to do things for her. Read "The 5 Love Languages" It's a good read and you will discover things about yourself as well as different ways to love her.
Hey good luck dude keep your chin up and be the best person you can possibly be to her.
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A
female
reader, Liza999  +, writes (9 June 2010):
 I am sorry my friend but this sounds like this time in your life will now have to be about you! Not about getting her back or wishing you did not do this or should have done that. This will be a time where your strength will be tested. Sounds like she is being honest with you and you will need to respect that For whatever reason she has something that she is learning in this new relationship and until that learning or exchange is over I'm afraid you will just be getting hurt over and over. Marriage counseling cannot help one fall back in love But giving someone support to find themselves through another by supporting you own sense of self knowing who you are without her right now and loving that guy will help heal the heart and maybe when you are at that place in your life: one of letting go and being with what is, be it her or someone else even better will surely show up in your space!
Bless your loving heart,
Liza
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