A
male
age
41-50,
*DD
writes:[OP original title]Someone please give me some advice...I have been living in an abusive relationship for nearly 15 months. I am not sure where to start because so much has happened during this time. But at the same time I am not sure how to stop all this.My wife is always very domineering and quick to lose her temper. When she loses an argument she either withdraws her love or becomes abusive.It started off with simple things. She would critise the clothes I wear or the way I walked. Okay I have never been the most fashionable person but its never really been a problem to anyone - they just accept me as I am.It quickly progressed in to full on heated arguments about petty things - some of the issues would make people wonder how silly the situation is. Things like - when I picked her up and parked my car 10 yards further away than her driveway etc. But the pattern afterwards would always be me being bullied and dominated or shouted at. I found out later that she was bad mouthing me to her friends (which hurt alot).Eventually it got much worse - I have been hit, spat at, scratched, bitten, humilated in public, been accused of being a bad husband, pushed, strangled, kneed in my private parts, had things thrown at me, had my posessions thrown at me or broken - but thats just the physical stuff. In fact, I am just thinking about the time my wife threw me into a wall and I had a nasty bruise and swelling for about 1 month.But its the mental and emotional abuse that has hurt me the most. In fact these things have properly scarred me in the mind. I have been lied to, taunted, falsely accused of things, goaded about my manhood. She has called me every name under the sun. She even blames me for her abusiveness.I sit for hours sometimes crying with my head in my hands. I feel like there is no end to this. I sit and wonder how to stop this. I feel so alone. I have become such a sensitive person now and anything reminds me of her behaviour. I feel like I am walking on eggshells all the time.I think I since had some sort of nervous breakdown and have been suffering from anxiety or depression. But I never went to the doctor because I didnt want anyone to know about her abuse. I honestly thought she would see how much she is hurting me and stop. But it just got worse.A few months back I went to her parents but they have been totally useless. I thought they would be upset with her, but in truth I have only just now realised that they have been totally in denial about it. They would always turn up when there was a fight or argument, but take a very neutral view of it. They never dealt with her abuse or the fact that I might be in tears when they turned up. This has made me feel even more alone.I go to work and she stays at home. I pay for everything - mortgage, bills etc, but sometimes I am made to feel like I dont do enough. She has called me selfish and at the begining of our relationship I felt bullied into buying certain things for her.I fear that I have fallen out of love with my wife. I want to love her and save our marriage. But I can't - something is stopping me emotionally, mentally, physically and sexually. I have become a cold, withdrawn and resentful person. I don't recognise myself anymore.Someone please give me guidance. Thank you.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2010): I know a guy who suffered for many years in a mentally abusive marriage (he's free now, thankfully). When it got bad, he just packed a couple of bags and checked into a hotel for a few days (not telling anyone where he was staying). This would be a good thing for you to do, if you could.
It would also give you some time to consult with a lawyer. You may be able to divorce her on grounds of mental cruelty. Talk to your boss at work and see if you could take a couple of days off work to get organized. You can also find a good counsellor (not a marriage counsellor tho!) during this time as well.
If you're separating, make sure you talk to your bankers too, to protect your financial assets.
You don't deserve to put up with her abuse. Good luck to you, and God bless!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 August 2010): There is nobody who reads your post who will tell you to stay with someone under these circumstances. By leaving, you will clearly and firmly demonstrate that you no longer accept being treated like this. In fact, if you are actually serious about trying to save your relationship I think this is your ONLY option beacuse it is not going to happen under the same roof. She has no respect for you and now, your have no respect for yourself. Just find temporary, furnished accomodation, pack a bag and go. No drama. Just leave a note that outlines clearly your feelings and the ways in which she is abusing you and that you no longer wish to be a victim of it. I think the situation is making you depressed and that is the reason you can no longer dig yourself out alone. I am sorry for you, but I would be more sorry to think that you stay in this mess. Please do not isolate yourself from support. Her family will always be neutral. Find your own support of friends and family. By giving yourself some proper space - you will, each day, realise what living normally actually feels like. Make your safety and sanity the priority now.
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A
female
reader, Chippy2  +, writes (15 August 2010):
Pack your things and GET OUT of the house - Do not let her know where you are. Tell your work she is not to contact you there. Watch your back while going to and returning to your safe place.
Get an attorney and get things started for a divorce. You do not have to tell her this or let her know at this point.
You must take care of you - this is a matter of life and death. Janniepeg has EXCELLENT advice. Please read it and re-read it
And YES if you need support I am sure ANY of us would be glad to help you thru DearCupid.
NO ONE deserves to be treated like this! It is not a marriage. I see you are in the UK and I am not sure what support services they have there and how the police are with Domestic Violence - but as another poster said - you must be careful not to raise your hands to her - In fact the less you say to her the better - EVER!
After you have the legalities taken care, do get therapy - Good luck to you!
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A
male
reader, PM  +, writes (15 August 2010):
 This is abuse and no one deserves abuse. You need to pack up and leave or things will simply continue on as they have or they may even escalate.
You may need counselling to deal with the trauma that you've suffered. She almost definitely needs counselling to deal with her rage whatever underlying problems have caused it. You do not need couples counselling as this is not a couples issue, this is her issue.
You may not not be able to stop her, but you can protect yourself. Please do the right thing and get yourself out of that relationship and find a caring friend who can support you through this time. If you don't have one, feel free to email any of us here on DearCupid or to call your local support line.
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A
female
reader, Tbosse  +, writes (15 August 2010):
 1. Report the next abuse to the police
2.divorce her
there's no excuse of her behaviour.she doesnt deserve u!
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A
female
reader, Practical  +, writes (15 August 2010):
1- Go to a THERAPIST ..
2- Take her to marriage counseling..
3- divorce her if it doesn't work..
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A
female
reader, allmyheart +, writes (15 August 2010):
I am very sorry for your situation..I will offer my prayers for both you and your wife. I cannot offer you any advice or information regarding such situations. However, if you are seeking additional help, I advise you to call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 August 2010): No one deserves to be in an abusive relationship, first you should stand up for yourself, then you should leave her if she douesn`t stop abusing her, and after you leave her go see a doctor or some one you can talk to and will listen to you, like a friend.
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A
female
reader, Gods,child.. +, writes (15 August 2010):
 im sorry ur going through this i do think u should just leave ur not in love, not happy, u feel miserable and u still have a chance to feel happy with someone that deserves u that could be there for u that can appreciate u i think its not worth saving the marriage theres enough damage done to u..You could be happy again u do NOT have to deal with this..ur a human being not an animal and u have to understand that this has to stop this cycle is gonna mess ur head up..Just leave let somebody else deal with it...
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A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (15 August 2010):
 Never let yourself get bullied. It is time you fought back but I'm not talking about hurting her! A husband should NEVER hurt his wife. I'm talking about defending yourself, if she tries to hit you, move out of the way, do not take her abuse! Leave this marriage. Sorry to say this but chances are she's probably cheating on you. I'm not a professional so I'm not sure but women who are cheating are often abusive towards their own spouse. Leave now. To me it sounds like this is a very broken marriage and your wife has only helped to separate the pieces until it is no longer possible to fix.
I hope that helps.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (15 August 2010):
 Someday people are going to know about your wife's abuse. It doesn't go away on its own. It only gets worse. I don't think going to the therapist makes you weak. It makes you strong to want to improve on a situation. Find a support group for battered husbands. You may still feel like you did something to deserve your abuse. One day you are going to wake up and feel rage towards her but no matter what resist the temptation to touch her or get her back. Once you raise your hands towards her she may accuse you of the abuse. Then the law turns against your favor. There is no marriage here and there is nothing to save. You are in a prison with a nutcase. Save yourself first. Always remember you are worthy of love. If you feel sad that this marriage will come to an end think about how happy you would be if your next girlfriend is gentle, affectionate, appreciates you and accepts you totally. If she refuses treatment then it's no longer your duty to change her. Leave her to God's will. Your in laws are turning a deaf ear to you. You are reluctant to seek help. How long can this go on? With love everything is possible ONLY when the other party is receptive to it. You have to accept that many people are actually not lovable because they have yet to love themselves first.
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