A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I guess I'll get right to it... I have been married for 6 years and have a 4 yr old daughter. I have known my wife for 18yrs. We started dating when we were both young (21 me, 23 her) and broke up 4 yrs later. Then 6 years after that she was passing through where I lived in FL on vacation from her home in VA and asked if she and her friend to stop over. I agreed and it felt like the spark was still there. A year later we got married and the next year had our daughter. My wife is an awesome person... she's very easy going, a great mother and smart. That's what it has felt like pretty much since we got married - roommates. Our conversation is small talk at best. There is no intimacy and hasn't been since pretty much the beginning of our marriage. We don't share many of the same interests and it is getting harder and harder to understand how we got here. I think more and more each day that getting married was a mistake. I don't think she knows I feel this wayI have not gone outside of our relationship in any physical way but I will admit that I have recently met someone that shares many of the same interests, is also mentally stimulating and it feels amazing to have that kind of connection to somebody. I feel like this is worse than if anything physical had occurred. I'm not saying I want to leave my wife for this woman... I wish I had this connection with my wife but it doesn't exist. This is not my wife's fault and I feel horrible for feeling this way and have for the majority of our marriage. I just wish I knew what to do... I don't want to continue in a charade marriage and have no idea what to do...
View related questions:
broke up, roommate, spark Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2012): I was in your situation. I struggled for years, because I felt that since I got married, I owe something to the other person.
How wrong I was. She was the one to divorce me, and it turns out it was the best thing she could do to me. Now I've been "back to the dating scene", met a few interesting women I shared lots with (we split because I moved a lot, I regret that), and I can't get over how stupid I was to get stuck in that marriage. I thought I was doing it for the kids.
It turned out this way: my son left his mother and moved to me, and my daughter sees no world besides me. I'd consider the same path, getting divorced is not such a drama like people make it.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2012): I'm going to play devil's advocate here since everyone seems to be blaming you. While you may not have been 'putting in work' to make this marriage work (you could be, but I don't know you personally), the same argument could be put on your wife who seemingly is also disconnected. How come she hasn't raised any issue with the distance? How come she hasn't tried to reconnect? How come she hasn't taken initiative to make things 'work'? It takes two to tango, if one partner feels the other isn't pulling their weight and has to go online to ask for guidance because talking to that person seems difficult, then clearly it's the other person - they've created a situation where you can't talk to them anymore.
Ultimately, you should talk to your wife, preferably not in the presence of your daughter, about your relationship, how you feel it has stalled and has been for a while. See how she responds and take it from there.
All the best.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2012): Im going to tell you what nobody else will, all this stimulating conversation you r having w/this "amazing "person. DO THIS With Your WIFE! you took vows for better or for worse and you already giving up due to feeling disconnected?! I haven't read anywhere that you wine and dine your wife, give her bubble baths, cook dinner at least two nights a week or take her or let her watch favorite movie while you take care of your daughter. What have you been doing to reconnect with yourfor wife except for talking to this other chick. Marriage takes work. you have to give your best even when it at your worst. If you start doing that I GUARANTEE you will reconnect with your wife. your married, it ain't just about you! Good luck
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2012): To Sageoldguy1465:
I'm NOT looking for validation for anything. I'm trying to get some sort of understanding as to how my feelings for my wife have eroded. This is not about another person. There has been no inappropriate behavior. This other woman is someone I met playing on a mixed tennis team and it made me realize I don't have that type of connection with my wife. Again, not jumping from one person to another... And I readily admit that this is a "ME" thing as you say. My wife has no fault for my feeling disconnected. Just wish I knew how/why I got here.
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (10 September 2012):
 well the FIRST thing you must do is grow a pair and TALK TO YOUR WIFE.
yes reaching out to total strangers on the internet is always the best way to go...but in this case, since you are pretty sure she is clueless that you are miserable... talk to her, you may find out she's putting on a good face and is as miserable as you are.... and then you two can end it nicely.
or you may want to try some therapy... both for yourself and your marriage (i.e. couples therapy)
you are emotionally cheating on your wife with this new amazing person (who btw will change if you end up with her too)....
...............................
A
male
reader, Bob Loblaw +, writes (10 September 2012):
I understand the feeling, I really do. When you feel like there's not much emotional connection to your spouse, but you also know that you're capable of feeling so much more, it's hard to understand how things got to that point. You have been faithful, but you also are now acutely aware of how deficient your marriage is, and how it doesn't live up to its promise.In your case, you also have a 4-yr old daughter to think about, and not just the relationship between you and your wife. Because of that, it's incumbent on you to try harder and communicate with your wife about what is missing and how unhappy you are, so that you can try to salvage it. You owe it to yourself, to your wife, and to your daughter to make your best-faith effort. That said, you also owe it to yourself, your wife, and your daughter to not simply stay in the marriage indefinitely if the differences between you and your wife become so unbearable that you can't be a good father or simply a good person.This is where the communication comes in. And it also is where you need to break things off with that other woman, at least for now, while you sort through this. I don't know all your details of course, but I can say that you probably got to this point because you didn't truly know *yourself* as well as you needed to. Most likely the signs that something like this might happen were there before, but you didn't want to see them or maybe you thought she was "good enough" for now, under whatever circumstances you were in. I don't suggest any of this to be a judgment on you - I suggest it because I know how this works from personal experience, all too well, and your story sounds strikingly similar to mine.If you feel as if you have already done everything you can do for the marriage, then you are in a very tough spot. Otherwise, start with one-on-one communication and express to her what it is that you are feeling, that you are missing and wish you could have. It's very difficult and painful, but you are already in serious pain and it's not going to get any better the longer you put it off and just waiting for something better to happen. Hope is not a plan.
...............................
A
female
reader, lmao1989  +, writes (10 September 2012):
 Well first of all i think you need to talk to your wife because if she doesn't know how you're feeling then she isn't going to know you have a problem with the relationship that you guys are sharing at the moment.
Second of all you're right it isn't good about you meeting someone and sharing same interests because it could very well end up in something happening.
if you want to sort this out you'll have to talk to your wife you tell her exactly what you've said on here about how you feel and what you think is going to happen because otherwise it will never get resolved and it could end up in a mess.
...............................
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (10 September 2012):
 "Sounds" to me like it's "all about YOU!!!".... as you don't say there's ANYTHING "wrong" about you and your wifey... ONLY that YOU have found someone to stray with...
Do you want us to VALIDATE your dalliance???? IF so, then please come up with SOMETHING!!!!
Otherwise, plan on getting yourself in to a mess (you're already 1/2-way there!!!), and start working on the submittal you're going to make when all this stuff blows up in your face....
P.S. Congratulations on acting just as idiotic as most of the rest of us men do, most of the time!!!!
Good luck....
...............................
A
male
reader, chad_warns +, writes (10 September 2012):
 In my opinion, you should talk to your wife about this and see how she feels. If she also feels attraction to other people maybe it's time for a break. If she still loves you then maybe you and your wife can find new ways to rekindle your love for each other. Regardless of what you decide to do, you should start by talking to your wife, see how she feels and go from there. Best wishes to you and your family. I hope everything works out for the best.
...............................
|
