A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm scarred by a bad breakup. Now, I have a NASTY impression of the dating world.I have 2 questions.First, how do I give the signal to girls in general, that I'm NOT in the mood to date, so that they can look for someone that'll actually be willing go out on dates?Second, if I DO manage to give off this signal, will it backfire on my message to the girls, and make them all try to gain my attention?Aside from the bad impression of the dating world, I have another reason why I have to keep from dating.... I have to focus a LOT on my studies. If I get involved in the dating stuff, I'll for sure be very limited in time for myself, such as studying, and leisurely activities I do for just myself, mostly.I hope these questions aren't much trouble, to answer?Thanks.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (22 October 2012):
 Yes, really, what difference does it make ? The only difference is if you'd LIKE her to be interested or not.
In this second case, - do nothing. If she stubbornly comes over trying to ply you with other sweets, just say politely and coldly : no thanks, I am on a diet :) and plunge your nose into your books immediately, she'll get the hint.
In case you WANT her to be interested, yes, maybe there's a chance that she is interested and tryng to catch your attention, then again it's not sure, so... you will have to go and see, and do your part too. Like, show up at the library with your own box of cookies , go up to her, smile and say " hey I owe you a cookie, I hope you like this kind "... and she how she reacts. If SHE says thanks and plunges into her books, then she was just being polite. If she grabs
the chance to strike up a convo, no matter how inane, then you are cooking with gas.
And so on and so forth.
Moral , if you DON'T want to date, don't worry , is not politely accepting a cookie that will compromise you.
If you DO want to date, well, it's like a mating ritual dance of some animals , the male does some steps, then stops and see how the efemale reacts ( or viceversa ).. which on turn determines if taking a next step etc.etec.
You can't just stay in the library sitting pretty and wait for them to do all the work . It may happen... but normally, you are expected to do your part...
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (21 October 2012):
 just in case what?
if you are TRULY not interested in dating, then you won't need to know what the subtle signs are as you won't even notice them...
me thinks you are interested.... and that you think pretending you are not is the way to go.
the issue is, it only works if you really aren't interested... any interest will be picked up on.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell, just curious as to whether or not she's interested. Heh. Just so I know what to expect, if that is the case....
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (21 October 2012):
 Are you looking for a date? Because it sounds as if you are actively looking. If you aren't interested in dating anyone right now then why use any time or energy in interpreting whether someone likes you that way or not...
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell, she seems to have made a point in leaving her seat after having settled in it. And, only for the purpose of coming up to me, just to offer me a cookie..... heh.... .... seems like a sign, to me. Heh.
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female
reader, chigirl +, writes (21 October 2012):
Why care? If she falls for you then that's her problem, not yours. You aren't responsible for how people feel, or if people are attracted to you. If she ever comes on to you directly, or if someone ever asks you out, just say no thanks.
As for this girl, I have no idea if she likes you or not. Too little information to go on, and probably it means nothing.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTrue. However, was this a very gentle hint of attraction? Or, just a friendly gesture?
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (21 October 2012):
Then the obvious thing to do is stop accepting cookies...?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi, again. Seems like I’m starting to face the actual situation.
Seems like I am starting to attract female attention, as I have at least one that is potentially hinting attraction to me.
She’s seated at the other side of the same room as I. I’m sitting at the front. The room is empty. The girl offers me a cookie. I accept. I know of the saying "The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.". Seems like this was what was on her mind, as she didn’t offer any cookies to anybody else.
I'll for sure touch base if there’s an increase of interaction with her, or with girls, in general.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (23 September 2012):
"I'm worried that they may take a good look at me, consider me a potential mate, and ask me out/invite me to their place."
IF they ask you out/invite you. So far it doesn't sound like this has happened. And girls rarely make the first move anyway, so in all likelihood it wont happen often. And even if it does happen, what's the harm? Just say no and they'll leave you alone.
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female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (23 September 2012):
Thanks OP and.. just go with your guts .
Dating is not necessarily as complicated and fraught with danger and heartbreak as you make it , but if you do not feel like inviting/getting invited, asking out / being asked out , that's perfectly fine. Maybe you need a break.Maybe you need to recharge your emotional batteries , until you feel differently ( I think it will happen ).
As for living all the rest of your life sexless,and romanceless... it's more of a choice, and less of a destiny , than you think. Because whom we attract - or do not manage to attract- is more a matter of our actions, choices, attitudes and behaviours than of sheer luck, or lack of the same.
But if for the moment you don't feel like being in the dating market, don't worry. You are young, there' s still plenty of time for you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'm sorry, about that.For until God knows, I'm not really in the mood, for dates. Besides, even if I WAS in the mood to, I couldn't, as there's just too much stuff.No date invites is the thing.I'm worried that they may take a good look at me, consider me a potential mate, and ask me out/invite me to their place.I apologize, for the confusion.All in all, in my last post, I was only telling about my beliefs (At the moment. They may change.... someday.), and what I did NOT get to experience. Who knows? I may never really experience it.And, sorry, to say, but, seeing today's generation makes me wonder about whether or not I should have children. There's no telling what's to come for the following ones.... if they'll be better or worse.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (23 September 2012):
OP, you are getting me all confused .
But, do you want to go out on dates, or do you NOT want to go out on dates, and focus on your studies instead ?
Do you want to ask girls out ( and kiss them and what not ) or do you NOT want etc.etc. ?
Are you worried that girls may ask you out, or are you worried that they may NEVER ask you out ?
Which is which, please ?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI guess it's not really a disaster if I don't get myself a romantic partner/mate. We've got lots of population, anyways.... so, I guess it's not that big a deal, if I never lose my virginity.Oh, well.I don't know how a kiss feels like, how sex feels like.... maybe, it's the Lord's way of telling me that I don't need to know that, to be happy.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell, I tried very hard to find myself a mate. However, ALL the girls kept rejecting me. And, when I DO have a girlfriend, I get deceived, cheated on (As I feel I've been), and crap like that.At the moment, no girl has recently asked me out. I really wish I could stop being helpless. Apparently, I have to keep from trying to get dates. Nothing worked. Girls complain that guys are too shy to make a move. I know it it is so.Any single guy is probably shy of asking girls out, for fear of rejection, or a little voice inside that's saying "She's already got someone!".At any rate, I'll take a look at the link you gave me. I appreciate it.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (15 September 2012):
 And there are many ways to say 'no' to a girl who asks you out.
For example: "At another time in my life, I would be very happy to go out with you. Alas, I have to focus on my studies for the time being."
vs.
"I have no time for you, go away!"
They both convey the message "no" but one is much gentler than the other. No one who is decent and kind would be offended by the first one. They may be disappointed but they won't be hurt.
If you are having trouble because you keep thinking about girls, well, you are not the only person with feelings like that. In fact, I think most people run through periods when they are totally distracted by love interests. It's normal. Enjoy a bit of fantasy and then focus on your work.
Good luck!
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (15 September 2012):
So you do want to date but aren't having any success? Or you are being asked out by girls you have no interest in? It's a bit confusing.
There was a great post a while ago on "how to get over your ex." It has loads of advice for how to distract yourself. While you may not be officially getting over an ex, nonetheless, the strategies could apply to your situation. have a read of this article: http://www.dearcupid.org/question/how-to-get-over-your-ex.html and see if that doesn't help.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI am not the kind of person to want to hurt their feelings.
I've been very badly hurt, and, I know that I don't want them to feel the same thing, because of me.
I tried getting dates from within the friendship route. Not much luck. Anyways, I am trying to focus on my studies. How can I fully distract myself from girls?
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (13 September 2012):
Why does it matter what their reaction is? Some may be offended at the rejection, some may understand. But either way, you aren't interested in going out on dates, so it doesn't matter what they think. The outcome is the same. That is, unless you are so concerned with offending someone that you feel compelled to go out on a date you really don't wish to, just to keep someone from being offended? But that goes against your stance of not wishing to date now. So we go back to: you don't want to date now. Just say that.
You seem to be over-analyzing the situation. Too much time thinking about dating is wasting the same amount of time as dating, which means you are losing study time anyway, right?
Just focus on your studies and when you are ready to date, then start dating again. The rest is mental time-wasting.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (13 September 2012):
I am perplexed. No offence, I am totally willing to believe that you are attractive, nice, intelligent and full of qualities, but, unless you are a rockstar or a tycoon or anyway someone quite exceptional , I don't think you'll have much of a problem. I don't think that you'll be besieged by aggressive girs wanting to date you , I don't think they'll be queing around your block for a chance to take you out and that you will have to fend them off with a stick in order to be left to your studies.
I also do not think you need to change your normal demeanour and attitude to make yourself more forbidding or aloof and less likeable.
Just be your normal self and , yes, you'll probably meet every now and then girls that could have hopes about you, but it's not that big of a deal. The shy ones will just send you feeble signals , an hallo, a smile,... which you'll be free to NOT catch and politely ignore if so you choose to do. The proactive one will ask you out straight out, at which you can smile, and politely refuse " Thanks, I am flattered , but I am not dating , I want to focus on my studies only ".
I don't think this is going to happen once a day, or so often to become a nuisance and keep you awake at night.
Don't try to send off any particuar vibes, just relax and go about your business as usual. Your situation is not so unique, the world is full of people that for reason of theirs at some point withdraw from the dating scene, and they do not do anything particular, except just not dating.
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A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (13 September 2012):
OP, you sound like a nice guy, but stop over thinking things and just do what you have to do. Don't worry about scenario's that haven't even begun to unfold yet. You'll cross that bridge when you get there. Every girl out there knows what it's like to be rejected, so don't think that when you are firm and say "no" they'll break into a thousand tiny pieces like Humpty Dumpty. They'll get over it. Don't make a big deal out of it and you'll find that they won't either.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (13 September 2012):
I don't know what ALL the girls will do
will the tall girls feel that way or just the tall redheads...
the ones that understand will understand
the ones that think you are blowing them off will think you are blowing them off.
but to be honest I really think you are worrying about something that's not going to be a big problem.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 September 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHere's a curious thought. During the time that I am unwilling to date, will all the girls that approach me for a date be offended, if I tell them that I'm not the mood, and that I'm trying to emotionally brace myself for a new relationship? Or, will they understand?
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (11 September 2012):
Focus on your studies and come here when someone asks you out and you need to find a way to say 'no.' Or just focus on your studies and say to the hopeful woman, "sorry, I don't really have the time for dating right now, I'm focusing on my studies."
Or you could go the other way, be honest with the woman who asks you out, "No thanks, I'm reeling from a bad relationship and breakup and I am in no mood to go out on dates."
If women are really harassing you in the next few months, come back and we'll help you fend them off with some carefully crafted strategy. But there's no need to craft that strategy until you actually are in the thick of this particular battle.
Good luck with your studies!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo the anonymous replier, thanks, eh, for clearing things up, for me. I wouldn't be very worried about the effects of my "Hard to get" attitude if I was certain of its effects on my true intentions.
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A
female
reader, Ciar +, writes (10 September 2012):
 I believe you're over thinking this. You've got 'what ifs' all over the place without indicating any real problem.
Some women will be attracted to you whether you're warm or cold. You cannot anticipate every reaction and twist yourself into a pretzel trying to avoid them. So just be the way you normally are and if anyone pursues you for more politely decline. Simple as that.
I don't think you'll have to beat anyone off you with a bat so relax.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2012): It's not for right now that he is asking. It's for when the word gets out that he is on the market and the floodgates open wide.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (10 September 2012):
Why does it matter if they want you... if you are not interested you are not interested and what THEY want is not an issue.
see to me, what that tells me is you WANT them to want you so you figure if you play it cool they will.... what's up with that?
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A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (10 September 2012):
Don't be like so many people who go the coward route and try to give people 'hints'. Simply be honest. If a gal shows interest, tell them thanks, but you're not interested. Be polite, but firm.
Also don't visit establishments where it's likely for you to get hit on. If you visit a bar or a club on your own, girls are going to draw the logical conclusion that you're single and looking for a date.
And contrary to what romantic movies say, playing hard-to-get doesn't result in an Axe commercial like situation where swarms of women suddenly surround you ;-)
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'm not really cutting myself fully from female contact. However, I probably will be limiting my time with them. I'm just not emotionally ready to have another go.
If I show a disinterest in dating, will it make them want me to WANT them? If so, I'm not sure why it's going to be so.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (10 September 2012):
 Are you being bombarded by requests, cause I really don't think you have a major problem here. If and when some girl asks you out you can politely decline. Now if you are being swarmed then perhaps you might need to hire a bodyguard.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (10 September 2012):
well have women changed so much in 30 years that they are asking men out?
if they aren't asking you out then what's the problem?
if they are asking you out, then all you do is say
"I'm sorry I'm not dating right"
however there's dating and there's having a relationship.
are you cutting yourself off from all female contact?
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A
female
reader, katiebear84 +, writes (10 September 2012):
 I would just be honest. you don't have to be mean about it, but just kindly say, you know right now i'm just not interested in dating. or you can say i'm not ready for a relationship. you just got out of one, wether it being bad or whatever, but basically say you just got out of one, your just not ready. it takes time to be ready. but not all of us girls are bad. i know it may not seem like that right now, but there are a few of us nice girls out there. but right now you honestly need to tell girls you aren't interested, to take time for yourself, take care of yourself you come first. trust me, im going through something a bit similar, its hard really hard..
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