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male
age
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*loyd1345
writes: my wife is having an emotional affair (non physical)with a man who also happens to be an obese 30 stones in weight! He also owns the shop from which she operates her flower business. This affair has developed over the last 3 years! as I understand. I had had my suspicions and followed my instincts, actually caught them several times in clandestine meeting places, usually one of his properties( 3 hours just talking?), never able to answer her cellphone whilst in his company (me sat outside the meet place in my car waiting for them to emerge!)Point is, this relationship is driving me insane, Ive confronted my wife about every aspect of this situation and why it has come to this after 28 years of marriage. three months ago she promised to stop seeing this man but only as recent as boxing day i caught her in his house with her car hidden several streets away!,Our life is hell 24 /7 due to this situation, argue every day, cant get any real truth only lies, she admits to the situation freely and says its not physical ( due to his size and lack of fitness I can believe that to be true) She wont talk freely about it when asked and says she would be unsure of committing to a long term future together. I love her dearly and want to save our marriage but can see no way out as she just cant seem to breakaway from his influence, I am 51 years old and don't wish to share my wife or life with anyone else, what should I do?
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female
reader, KayKayKay  +, writes (14 January 2008):
Oh sweetie. I'm so sorry. My husband’s emotional affair started almost two years ago. He's all hot for a woman who is young enough to be our daughter.
First, will you wife go to counseling with you?
Second, do something she loves together...has she always wanted to be a travel writer? (I have). Find her dreams and be the catalyst to make at least one of them a reality.
She has an emptiness this person fills. Don’t try to be to her what he is. She has other needs…meet those needs. Don’t replace him…out do him.
OU ARE HER HUSBAND. Don't give up!
Hang in there...I am...my life is also hell 24/7. I will never be as thin or beautiful as this 26 year old is...but I love him and it would be me by his side taking care of him if he were to become ill or unable to work. I made a commitment to him and god to be his spouse...and he will have to divorce me...thank you very much (and amazingly...he hasn't done that yet....so I believe there is hope...I hope there is hope...
Email me and we can cry together. This is the most painful thing I have EVER been through.
A
male
reader, eddie  +, writes (30 December 2006):
 I don't know what the history of the marriage is but to say it's the husbands fault is too easy. That is merely an assumption. His wife is the one stepping out on the husband and she admits it when caught. She also says she's unsure of the long term future of the marriage. If she is unhappy or unfulfilled, she should be talking to her husband FIRST, not seeking attention elsewhere. Since we don't know if this happened, we have to examin both sides.
If my wife was going out of her way to meet in clandestine places with a guy, for hours at a time, Id be concerned too. That's what people do when they're dating. If it's so innocent, why not answer the phone. As for the sex, she can't be trusted at this point, so whatever she says has no merit. That is one of the consequences of lying.
By the way, no man has any right to be meeting another mans wife in far flung destinations, undercover. Any man would know this. That is not how we should handle problems in a relationship. It only makes them worse when discovered. Why, because it raises many questions about what went on behind closed doors. And as humans, we suspect the worst. And, why not? Two people who like eachother, sneaking off to be alone.....
This is his wife and he's been married many years. He probably knows her as well as he could know anybody. He sensed something was wrong or out of place, and it's true. Nobody has said he's demanding or possessive to his wife. Nobody said she couldn't do this or that. He knew they worked in the same building. He's not talking about socializing with other men here. He's talking about untruths and deception.
Just because someone does something underground doesn't make it right. As we all know, sometimes it's because they know they're doing something wrong. If they were just friends, why didn't she invite him over for dinner. Why didn't she introduce him to her husband, afterall, she was in the drivers seat. She chose the wrong path. I don't know how the situation got to this point and tp speculate is only based on assumptions. What we do know is this...she's parking her car blocks from a man's house, spending hours alone with him, and somehow, people think it's the husbands fault....That's too simple.
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A
female
reader, beentheredonethat +, writes (30 December 2006):
 You are justified in your concern...because the Fat excuse....well...that's just silly. I have a friend who weighs nearly 400lbs....and she always has a boyfriend and they DO have sex. One of my dear boys is 320lbs...and other than I worry about his health....it does not affect my attraction to him. Now I am not saying she's lying...but she is lying about seeing him. I don't mean to be cruel, but saying to yourself she's having an emotional relationship (nothing physical because he's fat and could not possibly be as attractive to her as I am) Well that's just ego on your part.
The real problem here is you.
If they are just friends and your demanding that they not talk....then your forcing them to sneak around...alone. That is exactly how "it-just-happened" Happens. Why did you have to wait in the car....can't you extend friendship to this man too? Why didn't you go in and smile and nod and grin in the right places...rather than driving a wedge between you and your wife with your own irritation?
In battle you must Know your enemy...and you must know if he is your enemy or not before you show him your weapon.
Why would she need this man so much that she would sneak to see him. Rather than argue....Think. Then observe. (my guess is he is a good listener, entertaining, smiles a lot and complements her genuinely)
Do you do those things? Or do you instead...fume, pout, accuse...storm off...say you don't want to talk about it etc.
I have used this example to my children.
If you have two kittens and they are both adorable and pretty but one bites and scratches and hisses and the other cuddles and purrs and plays....which one would you spend the most time with?
The hissing cat does not get stroked.
The point is you should learn from this man she's emotionally attached to....what is he doing that makes her enjoy his company....then practice it yourself.
That does not mean phone him and grill him. It means...say call him up and invite him over for a relaxing dinner....clear the air. Make friends. Tell them you are sorry you have been such an ogre but when you have a wife as lovely and charming as yours....you tend to overreact at times. You have realised that you want what ever makes her happy and his friendship does that.. so rather than let it drive a knife between the two of you....you wish to stop making it uncomfortable for everyone. (then shut up...smile...nod...and listen)
Perhaps you will also become friendly enough with this man that he will offer you advise.....Now before you get offended by that...think....your wife has been dumping emotionally to this man for some time...accept that he may know a thing or two about her that you don't.
If you observe them long enough...and if you are open to try....you will figure out what it is....and if you implement some of the same strategies....you may build a stronger emotional attachment with you wife than either of you ever dreamed. I wish you luck and wisdom.
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A
female
reader, Juliette  +, writes (30 December 2006):
 I am sorry about your situation but three things stand out to me from what you describe.
First, you have to share people and cannot possess a wife so completely to exclude them from emotional connection with other people, although I concede what you describe does seem excessive. However, if this guy worked at the next desk to your wife in an office, would it be any different or would you be just as jealous?
The second thing is perhaps your wife 'needs' this emotional connection she may not be getting from you. It is known that women are less focused on sex and many, including me feel they need some spiritual connection to 'feel' deeply 'with' someone. I am not blaming you but giving you a point to reflect on as you seem to see her as your sole property.
The third thing is that his weight may seem unattractive, but as I have learned myself quite recently, physical 'attractiveness' is not something that is an essential ingredient, maybe influences first impression but is definately not something that matters as much once you have made that connection with someone.
I do think that the more you try to stop her the more you will force their relationship underground as you have found. I can only think that you need to keep her feeling able to talk to you so you can identify what she is getting, or perhaps even giving. Could it be she is just a friend to him and has to keep confidentiality and that she has landed herself in a difficult situation because of it. I know, as this has happened to me.
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