| A
male
age
,
anonymous
writes: I am a bachelor in my late forties, who has tended to avoid relationships – basically you can get hurt! Over the past 7 years, my attitude has altered somewhat – I’m getting older; contemplararies are either been long-married/in relationships and fearing old age and loneliness, have loosened this viewpoint somewhat. Whilst openly questioning the logic of having children (as a single man), being a father and continuing the linage would be rather nice.I tend also to be a gentleman – considerate to the thoughts and needs of others and not really into “playing the field” or “one-night stands”. Perhaps the detachment in such relationships would have been to my advantage?I tend to find that Asian women are not only attractive, but seem gentler, kinder, considerate and less cold and aggressive than white Caucasian females.Nearly 4 years ago, I first clapped eyes upon this beautiful, charming and nice Indian (Australian-born) background girl at the local petrol station. I noticed at the time she was fairly quiet and rather concentrated/focussed upon her job. Overall, she was always polite, but somewhat shy. As time progressed, I noticed she started to open up more, particularly with her co-workers.About 2 years ago, I had become besotted and resolved to get to know this lady. My being naturally similarly reserved, this was easier said than done! I started to make conversation and finally asked whether she would like to have a coffee sometime, which she declined on the basis she was “very busy”, although I offered and she accepted (on the basis of “you never know”) my business card to which I had placed my private mobile phone number on the back. Based on a recent comment by her, I suspect now that she may have been in a relationship at that time.Time further progressed and I deliberately sought her out and on occasion, reminded her of the offer of a coffee. She seemed to have warmed to me also.Imagine my pleasant surprise earlier this year when I received a SMS text message from wishing me a happy Valentine’s Day!!! I naturally returned the compliment.Fast forward a few more weeks and I received a telephone call from the lady asking whether anyone had phoned me. Apparently her brother had found my business card and was giving her some grief about it and was come by my office to speak with me (apparently being over-protective of his “little sisters” from the advances of “strange men”). She apparently allayed his fears by saying I was “just a friend” (this - as latterly proved - seems to be a theme). I popped the “coffee question” again and this time it was accepted. A couple of weeks later, I received an SMS message that she finished work at 3pm the following Saturday and that we could meet up finally for that coffee. I accepted poste-haste!However, the day before, she texted me again apologising profusely that she hadn’t realised she had an early 5am start and by 3pm she would be very tired. The gentleman in me kicked in again. She returned, thanking me for understanding. The coffee would have to wait for another day, but as it turned out, apparently a much-loved relative of hers then passed away and this naturally shelved all planned excursions. Again I understood.About a month later one Sunday morning, another SMS arrived saying “let’s catchup soon” – green light and we agreed to meet at a park the following Sunday for a picnic.Despite me suffering the onset of what turned out to be a bout of flu and a directional/navigational problem in finding the designated meeting place (dicky directions given by the lady - with me arriving a hour late), we managed to finally meet up and spent an hour or so chatting (and laughing and joking about mix up) before she had to go and do some babysitting (I ok’d this on the “proviso” we do something similar, soon).She passed the comment that she thought she might have been too young for me to which I freely invited her to guess my age (“about 45” – I was flattered) and then told her my actual age. She then told me she was 33 (looks at least 10 years younger). She’s said previously “you cannot have too many friends” and amidst the joking and chatting, commented I thought we were going to be “friends for a long time” and we chastely shook hands.The next day, I sent an SMS message thanking her for the day (and I ever being the gentleman took blame for and apologising for the mix-up) with she replying saying our time together was nice and that we would catch up again soon.Since then, whilst having a lot of professional (with me fuelling-up whenever she’s on duty at every available opportunity) and text contact with promises of “catching up soon”, we still haven’t actually caught up again socially. This also was interspersed with a elaborate (“crazy” in her words) bit of subterfuge with me having to send her a text message inviting both her and her father out to a movie in order to get her out of attending night clubs with her friends (not her scene – rather nice) – which I assisted her with (and her eternal gratitude in “owing me big time”) and later text correspondence surrounding another (female) friend of hers finding my business card and the concern that I was to be contacted for “grilling”.I then went on annual leave with the intent of catching up at sometime but at around the same time, her mobile phone packed up whereby she could send but not receive any communication (that’s why my many texts inviting her out for further coffees weren’t received), her belated acknowledgement of this and the promise that she would buy a phone “next week” – 3 months ago. To my eternal disbelief, don’t know why I never pursued obtaining her land line phone number.Another complication was that she was studying for a change of career path and I so didn’t push things. Upon her graduating, we met up outside her workplace after her shift (which seemed the only way we could meet and chat without interruption) where I presented her with a congrats card and we discussed finally going out. She told me that she didn’t like pubs, clubs and dancing, but liked dining out cafes and the like (excellent - so did I) – another green light, so I thought.She still hasn’t found a new job and remains at the petrol station. As I had effectively a week off work between Xmas and the New Year, I figured that she wouldn’t be applying for any jobs in the traditional “quiet period” so here it seemed was the perfect opportunity for me to ask her out on a date (what I’ve only been wanting to do for months). On the Saturday before Christmas I asked whether we could again meet outside her premises after her shift finished, but she said that she couldn’t do so as her sister was in the process of moving house, that she was helping her out and was going to be collected directly – could we meet the next week?. Hmmm, cutting it fine, but ok.Over the last 2 Christmases, I’ve sent her a card. This year was no exception and the on the Saturday, upon entering her business premises, she thanked me for the card (“it was very sweet”) and I asked whether I could meet her outside later after work as I had to ask her something. She enquired whether it was something that could be discussed then and there, but I politely remained firm (apart from the proposed invite after Xmas, I also bought a box of chocolates for her as a gift).I arrived at the planned time, she came out and the first thing she told me was she had a lot of news since we last spoke at length (her graduation being 5 weeks previously).This news was that she had met someone and that they’d been dating for the last 2 weeks. He’s English (like me), 32, both are share the Virgo star sign and they got on very well. I was instantly deflated (perhaps this was simply a “nice” way of being finally given the cold shoulder?) and gushed something (rather nobly I thought under the circumstances) that I was pleased for her – albeit “heartbroken”. Said I was a “big boy and would get over it” (I lied).She then strangely asked whether “I had someone” (neither of us, I recall, ever suggested we were looking). I said no – although on reflection I should have said yes – her. In the ensuing discussion she told me that that they were taking things slowly, he’d met her family and that she had told the “boyfriend” that she believed in having no secrets and that she wouldn’t withhold anything (all this in 2 weeks!!)Apparently she’s shown my Xmas card to the boyfriend. I recall gushing some more crap about me wanting only to be where this new chap had placed himself in a very short space of time and she said that she’s always regarded me “as a friend” and will say in contact (albeit apparently she won’t be showing him my business card!!!).I gave her the chocolates, which she was suitably impressed with. Upon saying they were for her, she said she might share one or two with the boyfriend (nice – he steals my girl and now my chocolates. We got to a point where we were just staring at each other so we parted – she shook my hand again.I’ve endured a miserable Xmas. In the week where I had planned to finally have gone out with the lady, I’ve wanted to speak further with her face-to-face so as to at least to say what I really wanted to say in the first place (basically despite the hassles, I’ve really fallen for her). There’s no way I can currently compete on a level playing field with this new fellow, however if it doesn’t work out (or she changes her mind, as is a women’s prerogative) – then I’m still interested. Given my pain, I figured I needed to do this sooner rather than later.It would seem that she has not been at work herself since Xmas. I phoned the petrol station and established that she was back at work on the last Saturday of the year. I got up early and noted she was at the till. I filled up the car, but upon entering the premises, someone else was serving. Whether she’d seen me and excused herself to avoid embarrassment….????I paid, drove around the corner and rang the service station on my mobile, asked to speak to the lady (the phone being on the front counter) and upon her coming to the phone, asked whether could meet with her after work as I wasn’t happy with what I’d said a week earlier, was really upset and miserable (she impressed “no, no you mustn’t” and that we’d “still be good friends”). I stated that I wanted to meet so to put things right between us if there’d been any misunderstanding and say what I really felt about her. On reflection, probably not my brightest move as I again ended up gushing crap and think the interaction based on her responses to my pleas might have drawn unwanted attention from her co-workers/customers given the location of the phone (she said her boss was looking at her). Said to her that I hoped I wasn’t embarrassing her – she claimed I wasn’t.Whilst initially humming and erring about being able to meet after work and ending up saying she was “really busy” (apparently helping her sister move house – again, still?) and asked whether she can phone me next week. I’m now interested if and in what form this telephone discussion will take place and whether we will actually meet face-to-face (hopefully now also without any new boyfriend or other input).I’m starting to wonder whether the love of my life categorises having “friends” as some form of safety net so to keep things at arms length should things get too close for comfort. I wonder whether the boyfriend will be eventually relegated to simply “friend” status?This has not been a normal relationship, but then, what is? All I’ve only wanted to do is get to know her and perhaps have a gentle romance.Stupid, naive, foolish, now bitter – probably I’ve been all of these.I’m rethinking my relationships stance – it’s all too much.What do you think?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, melschatbox  +, writes (18 January 2007):
 This memoir should be published. Hey, I think with this much effort on your part and years of "hit and misses", I think it's time to throw in the towel. The ball is absolutely in her court and you need to get out there and meet other women. So, she's foreign. LOTS of caucasian women are mild and meek and mannered also. Don't narrow down your options so much. Best wishes.
A
female
reader, AngelofLove  +, writes (18 January 2007):
 Dear Anon,
I think you had stronger feelings for this lady and she saw you more as a friend.
The romance was built on hope and a lot of patience, nothing wrong with being a gentleman.
A real woman will appreciate that, even Caucasian white (you will find sweet and not so sweet women out in any race of colour).
You were not foolish but just a true romantic. Sorry it did not work out for you, the trouble with shy, sweet women is that sometimes when they are being friendly and polite they may give the wrong impression.
The Right woman is out there, you just have to keep looking. Never give up.
You have so much love to give and lucky is the woman on the receiving end. You deserve to be happy and just as loved.
x Angel of Love
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