A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I am bored with my wife. She has no sex drive and I don't know how to get her going. Every other part of our marriage is great. We get along great, in fact, we love each other very much. Everyone says how lucky we are to have each other but if they only knew that we have no passion. She says it is because she grew up in a very religious home and sex was seen as evil. I have tried everything - even psychiatric help for her and I even participated. We now have a child and we have not had sex since her first month of pregnancy and our child is 5 months old now. I tried leaving her but she begs me to stay and uses the baby as leverage as she knows of the troubles I had growing up in a home of divorced parents. I am tired of masturbating! I don't want to cheat but I can't take this anymore. What do I do?
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female
reader, DrPsych  +, writes (25 November 2009):
 You wife has recently had a baby and that can put a huge pressure on marital relations. It could be that she has post-natal depression and needs support for that. Although this must be frustrating for you, give your wife some time to get back to normal. She is probably using the religion argument as an excuse because women often find it hard to admit they are not coping after having a child. Personally I didn't feel 'back to normal' until my son was nearly 2 years old. Your wife needs to see a maternity nurse or doctor for an assessment for postnatal depression.
A
female
reader, madlib +, writes (25 November 2009):
Sex is another expression of your love for each other...I mean you guys created a baby from your love right?...and despite her religious beliefs, even god looks down on the comunion between man and wife as a good thing....did she only have sex with you originally to procreate? Did you guys not have sex before marriage? I mean did this just happen all of a sudden? Possibly there is more to this then what she is leading on...could she have been sexually assaulted and just doesn't want to tell you for fear of you leaving because you couldn't handle knowing and not being able to do anything about it...but you can and that is by supporting her and being with her no matter what....something is obviously up with her and she is petrified of telling you and at the same time petrified of you leaving....i go back to asking when did this all start and were you aware of how she felt at any time prior to you getting married? Even if not, through out any relationship we are all given tests in life that we learn from, maybe yours is a question of selfishness....can you live with yourself if you cheat and your wife finds out that you not only broke her faith and trust in you, but you also affirm to her that sex definitly is something evil because it broke her family apart-or are you going to stick it out and work with her on what makes her comfy-what her bounderies are and when she started feeling that way, how she feels when she feels that way, and making her feel comfortable enough to want to get past that....
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A
female
reader, Jayney Y  +, writes (25 November 2009):
 Stop letting this woman manipulate you. If she has psychological problems that prevent her from enjoying sex, how did she manage to get pregnant? I don't know about the religious upbringing stuff, it sounds more like a case of "now I have the baby to blackmail you with I don't have to put up with yucky sex any longer". If she was in love with you she would enjoy intimacy even if she didn't have raging orgasms from it. Ending a marriage isn't a crime as long as you maintain your responsibilities as a father.
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A
male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (25 November 2009):
 Oh man, I hear you. You're in a very tough situation. If I'm reading your question right, it's been 14 months?? I completely understand your frustration.
OK, first, you were able to make a child, so at least at some point you were able to come to a meeting of minds about sex. Is there anything about those circumstances that you can work with? That is, is she completely frigid? Was she letting it happen only for the sake of making a child? Or, did you get any sense at all that she enjoyed the making of the child?
If it didn't seem to be a completely horrible experience for her, then you've at least got something to work with. She's in denial that any sensual thing is good. So give her lots of sensual experience, without your expecting sex. Massage her. Stroke her hair. Do other nice things for her. Do these things for weeks, months. And for goodness sake, pitch in and help with the child. Change diapers without being asked. Feed, play with the child, etc. Take tasks off your wife's hands. Make her grateful!
My experience was that the more I did for the kids, the more I did around the house, the more likely I was to be rewarded.
Good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 November 2009): Did you have sex before marriage , probably so.Did she tell you before you got married that she thinks sex is evil? In any event, I would try to romance her. Can you treat her like you did before you got married? Maybe little presents or an overnight at a nice hotel. Maybe take some stress of her, as she might be exhausted with a new born. After , I had my baby sex was the last thing on my mind, except when I was ready to try for another baby. I think going to counseling is terrific. I would let her know that sex is something you need to have and that you want this marriage to work. She needs to compromise and satisfy you sexually. I hope it works out.
One last idea, can you try cuddling with her for awhile without initiating sex? I am sure she is tired and her hormones are still out of whack from the pregnancy.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 November 2009): You are right to be wary of cheating and please do not. You seem to be in a marriage full of love, and that is a wonderful thing to throw away. It is wrong for her to use your child as an excuse for you to stay, but you must ask yourself why you want to leave a marriage which is still more successful than most?
I can guarantee the lack of sex is due mostly, if not all to your new child. Your wife probably has body sensitivities, especially if she is still carrying a little baby weight. She has been feeling unsexy for 9 months. Her hormones will be all over the place, even this long after the birth. Not to mention the late night feeds & nappy changes - you both must be exhausted, so think of how you feel plus raging hormones on top of that, and you have one wife who's definitely not in the mood!
There are many sexual counsellors willing to help couples in your situation. You say you have tried psychiactric help, but maybe it was too early for her after the birth? I implore you to try again. If you are persistant (without pestering) she will come to realise that you do find her attractive, and when she's ready your sex life will return. If you abandon all hope now, it may never return. You sound like you have so much going for you, I think it would be a terrible waste to leave her over this. Please hold out until your wife is feeling better, and hopefully your marriage will return to its passionate past.
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