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male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes: Long story short. My wife found out about my affair. I had no choice but to come clean. Since then I've been working on my marriage and I rarely see my mistress although we do talk everyday. I saw her a couple of weeks ago and we had sex. I'm still continuing the affair but my wife thinks I've left my mistress behind. There's something about the mistress I can't seem to let go of. We've got this unbreakable bond. And I can be myself around her. I am not attracted to my wife sexually but I am intensely attracted to my mistress.The problem is my mistress wants more of my time while I'm working on my marriage. And I'm torn. I want both women and don't want to disappoint either. I told my wife my affair was just sex but it's more than that. My mistress loves me and I love her. But it's a different kind of love than how I love my wife. My wife doesn't trust me and it's hard to see my mistress. But my mistress keeps at me for more time. She has hardly any. It's all spent appeasing the wife. The mistress resents me for this. She accuses me of selling out and being weak and a coward because I'm staying put in my marriage rather then telling my wife I'm leaving to be with her instead. I'm afraid she will tell my wife everything. I have watered down the truth so that my wife would forgive me and not leave. My whole future is tied to her. But my mistress is saying if I loved her, I would be with her, instead of appeasing my wife and throwing her under the bus. It's complicated. I just don't know what to do.
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female
reader, Aunty Babbit  +, writes (4 September 2020):
 You say you're working on your marriage but how? You're continuing the affair. You speak to your mistress every day and saw her two weeks ago and had sex.
You say you can't let your mistress go, there's something about her.
You say you're not sexually attracted to your wife anymore.
Honestly, I'm struggling to be polite here.
You say you don't want to throw your wife under the bus, you say she doesn't trust you! It seems to me your wife's judgement is spot on. You betrayed her with an affair and are still betraying her, sucking her into your lies that you're working on the marriage when you're not at all.
You're treating your mistress badly too. She wants more of your time and you're struggling.
Poor poor you......NOT!
Do you know, both of these women deserve better than you.
I think they need to be writing to us so we can advise them to kick you to the kerb, get some self-respect and find a man who'll treat them with the respect they deserve.
The best thing from my perspective that could happen is that your mistress gets bored of waiting for you and finds a better guy and your poor wife wakes up and sees you for the lying cheat you are and decides she's better off without you.
You're clearly incapable of doing the right thing by anyone but yourself.
Please give our website address to your wife and mistress, I think they need us more than you do.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 September 2020): You need to be a very intelligent and resourceful man to be able to carry off pleasing two women and keeping one secret from the other. A man who has to write to a bunch of amateur advisors online is not up to it. For all you know you could be reading the ramblings of a ten year old child or an old man who has the i.q. of an orange, is a religious nut or got dementia.
Look before you leap! IF you are out of your depth trying to please two women then do not do it. But do not go bleating to anyone who will listen when it all goes wrong.
You enjoyed the good bits now you have to cope with the bad bits.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2020): Your wife is short sighted and not thinking. This idea that you have a man under house arrest and watch his movements and phone calls only works up to a certain point. It may stop you going out to see someone, it may stop you ringing them, but it does not stop you missing them, thinking of them or caring about them. If she is only bothered about whether or not you do it and not whether or not you want to she is being daft.
I've known women who do this. One woman consulted me and went on and on about how she had sent her husband out for a newspaper and he had taken THREE MINUTES longer than he ought to, she was staring out the window watching, looking at her watch counting the seconds. She saw him say hello to a female neighbour and got it into her head he fancied her too and that was why he spoke to her.
What sort of marriage is that for the man or the woman - it is rubbish. You can promise your wife all sorts, she knows you lie so it won't change a thing. You have blown it.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (28 August 2020):
 It's not all about sex ?: aw please. Who do you think you are kidding, us or yourself ?! Maybe it's not specifically and strictly about the mechanics of the sexual performances, but it's all about cheap sensual stimulation, the excitement, the novelty, the naughtiness, the ego boost. All superficial, temporary and a bit tawdry stuff.
Talk is cheap, and love is an action, not just a word. Your mistress is right , if you loved her- choosing would come easy and natural; you simply- could not stand the thought of living a double life any longer, of being separated from her, of having to hide your true love and live in a lie , etc. It would pain you so much, that you would not mind having to give up your money and properties, your reputation, your convenience and comfort,
in order to stay with the mistress. You'd pay willingly and happily the price of your indiscretion if you really cared about being with this woman. The thing is, once you've got your occasional kicks in bed ( ...not too often, otherwise it becomes ho-hum routine too ) what you prefer for all the rest : daily life, attending family functions, seeing friends, relaxing, vacationing, sharing meals etc.... is actually your wife, and you are saying that by STAYING where you are .
You are a lucky man because your mistress must be dumb, not having grasped yet this very simple truth . So she is still sitting tight, although chomping at the bite a little, waiting for you to throw her a bone every now and then. You have got to hope that she stays dumb, because the day she gets a flash of intuition - she may very well rat on you to your wife, and then- good luck. You'll probably end up taken to the cleaners and with neither wife nor mistress.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2020): Your second post is no better than the first. You talk about doing family things and odd jobs for your wife as if you are doing her a favour. If you live together in the same home and put a shelf up that is for both of you not just her, it is normal, nothing special.Of course you helped your mistress when she was struggling with health problems, why shouldnt you and why should you get a round of applause for it. She should get a round of applause for putting up with you being married and not seeing you much.I suspect most of your meets, if not all of them, were sex. No going out like a proper couple to do normal things. So she has been living in the shadows with no life at all, while you had a normal life with another woman at home. No wonder she is bitter. She is right, you told her you loved her many times, but when the chips were down you were going to just end it and make do with wife. That is not what a man who loves someone does. She thinks this means you were lying to her. You must have been. You cannot blame her for becoming demanding and wanting to have more control or revenge. You talk about your wife and you having a celibate marriage and that the draw is to the mistress. So end the marriage.You come up with all sorts of excuses but the truth is you wanted the best of both Worlds without playing fair by either of them.Given the chance you will continue to hurt, let down and use both, so let us hope mistress tells wife. It seems to be the only way that either of them can get a decent life and closure.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 August 2020): I'm sorry but you sound like a jerk.you need to end your marriage and free your wife so that she can move on. Or you need to give up your mistress and try and repair the damage you have done to your marriage. You cant have both. And frankly if your wife forgives you, you are a lucky man. You need to be honest with your wife. You married her. You must be open with her, even if that means the relationship has to end.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2020): It's the poster of the question. To answer some of you, I did try to break it off with my mistress. Many times. But she keeps fighting for me. Says she can't live without me. I went no contact for 2 weeks after my wife found out. I didn't contact my mistress. I blocked her and changed phone numbers. She started to send me email after email (it was the only email address I didn't block. Maybe I was trying to keep communication open subconsciously), telling me how cruel and weak I was for cutting her off like that. She was severely distraught and I didn't have the heart to leave her like that. I wasn't trying to be cruel because I was choosing my marriage. But she didn't see it that way at all. She said I led her on by saying I loved her and carrying on a relationship with her. She said you don't toss someone away like that when you love them. She told me she takes the words I love you very seriously. She got very angry with me over little or sporadic communication, saying she already had the crumbs. And now she has nothing. Our relationship started to get stressed during Covid. We had a lot of time together before Covid happened but it became much less during Covid and she resented that. Now it's gone from that to nothing. I helped her through her skin cancer ordeal where she was a big mess and anxious and scared about how bad it was and her subsequent surgery all alone during Covid. I was up with her til 3 a.m. for weeks at a time calming her fears. Listening to her. I went to visit her after her surgery and took care of her. Brought her medications. Bathed her. Changed her bandages. She has gone through some tough times and I was the only one there for her. I was her rock. I am not the selfish monster I'm painted out to be. I also give my wife my time by fixing things around the house, driving her to appointments, and being a family man. My wife and I are good friends but she's more like a roommate or mother figure. She's independent and doesn't need me. My mistress is more vulnerable and more dependent on me. She needs me. My wife is more practical and logical much like I am but my mistress is a free spirit and very spontaneous and fiery. I feel this pull to my mistress that I can't seem to free myself from. I was in a celibate marriage with my wife for years and I had opportunities for sex but didn't cheat. Then my mistress came along and she was just special. It took me a long time and a whole lot of soul searching to decide to be with my mistress. But in the end, neither of us had a choice. It was unstoppable. My wife wants to go to marriage counselling. I will go but my heart isn't into it. My heart is with my mistress. But I still can't leave my wife. There are things about our marriage and my wife that I do like well enough. I guess I was being weak by contacting my mistress when I went no contact. But we've done this before. I'd leave her and I'd always go back to her because I missed her in my life. Nobody else has ever made me feel the way she does. My mistress is not pressuring me now because I've been contacting her more frequently. But she's pretty volatile at times. I am risking it all by being with her. My wife knows but not the whole truth. I've omitted a lot so that she believed it was an indiscretion and only sexual. My wife doesn't know how involved my mistress and I are (were). Or that we exchanged I love you's everyday. But if my wife knew I was still seeing my mistress (and that there was an emotional component) after she forgave me and was willing to work on our marriage, then it would definitely be over. And there would be no looking back.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2020): I come across lots of men like you, clients. They come to me for life coaching and advice about their problems and expect sympathy over the situation they have got themselves into.If you are in a dead boring marriage either pay for sex on the side or end the marriage and be single or find someone and start again.You are trying to do it all ways when you want to have the best of staying but have a woman on the side to make it more pleasant and exciting and fulfilling for you too.The two reasons that usually come up for the man being intent of staying in a dead and boring marriage are money/assets or children.I have lost count of the number of men who have told me they must stay so that their kids can see them a lot. It does not occur to them that the frosty atmosphere and arguments mean that the kids would be better off with them moving out. And if their kids knew how badly they were treating their mother they may not want to see their father at all.As for assets and finances, that is pure greed. How can you put the suffering of two women as less important than money? How can keeping hold of money be more important than them not wasting years of their lives?It also does not occur to you that you are rubbish at relationships. A person who is mature, a good thinking and communicator would sort out their marriage first, either ending it or finding some way to make it work. If they cannot sort that out it is obvious that adding another so called relationship to the mix is doomed to added to the failure of the marriage plus be yet another failed relationship. You do not get a prize if you have two women. You have failed them both. Now you want sympathy because it comes back and bites you on the bum - tough. They did not ask for this you did.How long before the mistress finds a single man and dumps you totally? How long before the wife realises you are a waste of space and cannot be trusted in any way and that she is better off with less and being alone and maybe lonely?You are not the only man in the World, there are plenty of men out there who would love to be with your wife or mistress in an honest and above board, respectful, loyal way.Every day you continue with this is another day you have robbed from them both.. which they can never get back.Yet not once in your question do you feel any pity for them it is all for yourself.If you had come to me as a paying client I would have listened and helped you to understand this in a more tactful, subtle and appeasing way but when I give free advice I can say it as it really is and how I feel about it.Some get this idea that women chase after married men and are just as bad if they get involved with them. But you have groomed your mistress to obey and be there for you.She is now going through the stage where she is waking up and seeing the light, you will need to make more and more effort to keep her on that piece of string - and what for, if you are spending all of your time with wife?You are worried mistress will tell wife the truth. Yet you claim you had already told her the truth.If you had stopped contacting mistress and not seen her a few weeks ago she would have no hold on you to threaten you wish. You chose to go back on the promises to your wife and return to your double life. Your mistress got nothing out of it, so she threatens you. Who can blame her. She is sick and tired of you calling all the shots and just being there at your convenience she it is hardly surprising.I had a client a few weeks ago who was seeing a man like you. He never considered her and constantly lied to her. Eventually after piecing together all of the facts she decided to end it but make sure his wife knew.She got a round of applause from all who knew her.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2020): I once knew a man who had the same attitude to women. He was married for years, they had no sex life, they were bored with each other, but he was intent on staying with her because he was a Minister and would not be allowed to continue to be one if he were divorced.He nagged me to be his fiance! Yes he actually proposed to me and said we would get married when he has sorted this and that out - which he said would take a few years! I said no. He nagged and nagged. He kept turning up on my doorstep.Just like you all he thought about was himself. Just like you he did not give a hoot to how it affected his wife or me. He wanted me to be there ready and willing for whenever he could pop in - what sort of life would that be for me? None. Every time I said no he would come back with more and more promises and very often out and out lies.Your mistress is feeling the same thing - why is she waiting, why does she put up with so little etc? She will dump you. She ought to have dumped you ages ago, not because of the lack of time but because you have no morals and do not care about other people. You just use them and then spit them out when you are done.If your wife and you have no sex life - or a very boring one - then in theory you can easily get a divorce to be with this other woman. For selfish reasons only you know you choose not to, despite it meaning that your wife cannot find a decent man instead and is wasting her time on you, and the same with the other woman.The longer this goes on for the longer they waste their lives dancing to your tune.There are times when a marriage is not working and the man has to go elsewhere for sex. In which case pay a prostitute. Don't expect some decent caring woman to give up her life to you instead to save you money. Some men prefer prostitutes because they do not nag them to see them more, do not threaten to tell the wife.You think you are repairing your marriage - you are not. Your wife knows you are still wanting your mistress, whether you contact her or not. You can plough more and more time and energy into this and it will never be repaired.Your wife wishes she had never met you, your mistress feels the same, yet all you think about is you. How selfish is that?What will you do if you hear that your mistress has taken an over dose or has had to be rushed into hospital? Will you continue to pacify and lie to wife to repair the non existent fake marriage or go and be with her and support her?If you have lied to the mistress and led her on I really do hope she talks to your wife - they may even became allies, or maybe even friends, they would be far better off with that than with you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2020): Hi
It's quite easy really, have the guts to be truthful and end your fake marriage.
It is not rocket science it's actually annoying how people find it a problem, to tell the truth. I would think it's only difficult because they know they will lose out financially and then they stand to lose something material. The only problem or obstacle stopping you from making the break is your selfishness.
You don't say you have children, so what I wonder do you stand to lose.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (25 August 2020):
 You're not REALLY "working on your marriage" if you are speaking to your mistress every day and still carrying on the affair.
You are a cheater. You and your mistress deserve each other because, in time, you will cheat on her as well. Let your wife go so she can find someone who loves her wholeheartedly, someone who deserves her and will treat her with the respect she deserves.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2020): Why did you get married, and why are you still married?
What makes you justified in having two women, while your wife is stuck with one cheating-husband who lies to her?
Seriously?!!
The other woman is just a concubine. A tribute to your ego. You get to have another body to play with when you tire of your wife. You betray her trust, and your vows. You put that other woman's life on-hold. Living on the lies you constantly feed her. Your mistress deserves what she gets for being so foolish and stooping so low. To betray another woman, and willfully conspiring to destroy her marriage. She will reap what she has sown; as will you.
You say you get to be yourself when you with your mistress? Who is that? Why keep a wife who won't let you be whoever or whatever that is?
You're lying to both of them. Your wife will discover that in the end. The sad part is, how she tried to forgive you; but will be destroyed to discover she was betrayed. It's all deception. You give some lame-excuse you can't give-up either; because you love them both. You're lustful and unfaithful. That's it in a nutshell, dear sir.
The truth and proof of love is trustworthiness and faithfulness. Where is either in this situation? There is no love here. You don't know what that is.
The reason most cheating-husbands don't divorce is the fear of losing his assets, and/or paying child-support and alimony. They always claim they love their mistresses, and their wives too. Not really!
They love themselves. Lets be honest for once...shall we? It's all about YOU! You don't have a conscience; so you don't have the capacity to feel compassion towards your wife. You need your mistress to remind you of how much of a stud you think you are. Your ego and sense of entitlement knows no boundaries.
The best way to fix this, is to divorce your wife. Split your assets, and do right by her. Then go live with your mistress, who'll never trust you; because she knows what you're capable of. Hopefully your wife will heal, forgive you, and move on. May better things come to her, and hopefully she is not destroyed by this.
No man or woman deserves such betrayal and deceit, from a spouse. If your marriage is a bad-one, you must end it; then go find a mate you can love and be faithful to. Your greed and selfishness won't allow you to; which is why you will lose everything in the end.
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