A
female
age
26-29,
*ecca241996
writes:Hi I really need some help! I’m really struggling in my relationship at the moment have been for a while. Apologies as this is going to be a long question! I’m struggling because of my boyfriends mother I’m finding her very difficult to deal with. Me and my boyfriend have been together just over 2 years now, we have a house together also, honestly if it wasn’t for the house I think I’d have left. When I first met my boyfriend he told me how he didn’t want me to meet his mum as he doesn’t think I’d like her as most people don’t, she’s very OTT, in your face, and he feels embarrassed by it these were his words. When I did meet her I actually found her very nice, I didn’t think anything bad about her at all, I’d agree she was a little OTT and in your face but it wasn’t in a bad way. Me and my boyfriend ended up needing to move out of his rented house, we had no where else so ended up staying with his mum he actually cried over going back to live with his mum! He said she doesn’t leave him alone and she’s constantly asking him to do things for her. I thought oh come on my mum always asks me to do things when I lived at home what’s the big deal. He wasn’t kidding! It was constant he couldn’t sit down for 2 minutes he was constantly having to fix things for her, open jars, bring in bags of shopping, do things in the garden, the garage, fix her shower... the list goes on. He also had to pay £400 board to her a month, my mortgage doesn’t even cost that! I had no problem with this at all and thought If he wants to do all these things it was up to him. I got along with her extremely well whilst I lived there with her I felt like I could talk to her about anything I felt like she was a 2nd mum. We lived there for around 3 months and moved out in the January and bought our own house. Then problems started, there has been so many I can’t even list them all you would be here for weeks reading this. I will list a few things so you can’t see what sort of situation I’m dealing with. 1. One day I was at work at the time I looked after people with autism and learning disabilities I worked 15hr shifts. I picked up my boyfriend up from his friends house on the way home, and he told me he’d had an argument with his mum and was very angry. I asked what happened and he said she had phoned him asking if he would take her to the airport. She was going on holiday with her friends with benefits and didn’t want to stay at his house the night before because she didn’t want to spend an extra night with him. My boyfriend would have had to use my car to do this as he was insured on it and couldn’t use his work van as he wasn’t insured to drive it out of work hours. The day she wanted taking to the airport I was on a15hr shift and obviously needed my car to get home, I finished at 10 and she needed to be at the airport for half past and it was an 1hr/1hr30 min drive, i told my boyfriend he could use my car before I knew what time she needed to be there for, he had already told her he couldn’t do it as he was at work early the next morning and also I was at work and would need my car and she said I should just finish work early! When my boyfriend said he wasn’t going to take her she kicked up a right fuss saying “after everything I’ve done for you” apparently she was screaming and crying down the phone! She put the phone down on him multiple times. She ended up just staying at the mans house the night before. 2. My boyfriend was taken into hospital last Christmas and diagnosed with kidney disease, he needs a kidney transplant. He’s on the transplant list now. So at the beginning of this coronavirus pandemic like before we were even in lockdown my boyfriend told me his mum had phoned and said she didn’t like the thought of him working in the community with this virus going around and him being vulnerable with this kidney disease when he told me about this I agreed because I’d already thought about it too but hadn’t said anything. Nothing happened with this and he carried on working as normal, then like a week or two before we went into lockdown there was the governments advice flying around saying that If you’re a vulnerable person you should be self isolating, me and my partner had multiple debates about this I said he should and he said it was okay and didn’t need to. So when we was next at the hospital I asked the doctor what he should do and he advised he should follow the governments advise. I had previously booked a meal at Toby carvery for Mother’s Day for me him my mum and his mum that was the coming sunday. However obviously due to what we had just been told and we were already being told to avoid public places like pubs and restaurants anyway I decided it wasn’t a good idea and we shouldn’t go. Later that day my partners mum phoned him to ask about his hospital appointment he told her and told her what they had advised, however she still wanted to go to Toby carvary for the meal despite how worried she was previously before it had gotten this bad. I was mega annoyed at this it was so contradicting. That was that. That same weekend, I was at work and I think my partners mum was supposed to be coming around or visa Versa, but she said she wasn’t coming as she had symptoms a high temperature and sore throat and had been told to self isolate. I’m pretty sure that was the same week we got put in lockdown too. Anyway the next day she phoned again wanting to see him... I was like hang on thought she had coronavirus symptoms he then said ah no not now she’s fine only had a cold. I thought no chance is she coming around here risking giving anything to my boyfriend or me. I couldn’t risk being off work due to my job as at this point we didn’t know about the furlough scheme and thought we’d only have my wage so I couldn’t afford to be off work. I also work with end of life patients (last 12 weeks) so I also shouldn’t have been taking any risks as they are also vulnerable. He then made an excuse to his mum and she didn’t come, she continued to ring up every day asking to come around and see him despite being in lockdown, and he kept making up excuses as to why she couldn’t come this continued for almost a week. I then got to the end of my tether and said to him you need to tell her the truth she will understand she’s not daft she’ll know your making up excuses anyway. So he did, she then claimed she had self isolated for 7 days and that day was the last day.. but if that was the case she wouldn’t have been ringing every day asking to come round surely? This finally came to an end and she stopped thankfully. However she continued not to take this seriously, during all this it was her birthday so me being the only person out of me and my partner that could get out I went shopping bought her a card and some flowers and dropped them off at her house. I left them on the doorstep went back to my car and phoned her to let her know they were there. When I had got home she messaged me a photo saying how lovely they were I was trying my very best to be as nice as I could despite how angry she had been making me. She then mentioned about her feeling lonely during all this I felt a little sorry for her at this point her exact words were “at least you’ve got my gorgeous son to cuddle up to it’s rubbish on your own” it actually made me feel a bit bad. I then asked if she was still keeping in touch with friends via phone/FaceTime or whatever, and she said oh yeah a comes round every Friday b’s coming round tomorrow and d has been coming round most weekends... I was like okay.. so I’m thinking you’re really not taking this seriously at all. A couple of weeks after this when the restrictions were lifted a little, when we were allowed to have people at your house but only in the garden and still had to maintain social distancing she came round except she didn’t want to sit in the garden she wanted to sit inside, she had already previously messaged saying “if the weathers bad I’ll just come inside” I was like no she will wait until the weather is okay. Anyway she came round and did sit outside however she asked my boyfriend for a hug and a kiss... what about social distancing. I can’t understand her at all. I know she had also previously messaged also saying “I think we both need a hug” however my partner had already told her no then but no wasn’t an acceptable answer for her. I was so angry this caused a huge argument between me and my boyfriend it was only speaking to my mum and best friend that calmed me down I was fuming! How can someone who cares so much about their VULNERABLE son put them at risk like that, when she had not even been sticking to any rules what so ever. 3. So the most recent thing that has happened. My boyfriend got called for a transplant on the Thursday(the last Thursday) I was luckily just finishing work so I drove him there myself and drove home while at home his mum phoned me but I was in the shower. My boyfriend messaged me and said his mum wondered if I wanted any company as she would come and stay with me or I could go there. I was a little sceptical as I had been avoiding her due to all this, not for any other reason than I was so angry with things she has done(some things I haven’t even mentioned here) and was scared I’d lose my temper with her so I wanted to stay out of her way. I knew I couldn’t avoid her forever so thought this might be a good way to get over it. I phoned her back and we decided she would come and stay over at our house. We chatted about my boyfriend in hospital and she said a few things which I found really questionable. Some things which I found to be pretty horrible. When my boyfriend got diagnosed and we found out he needed a transplant she insisted she would be the donor, they have done tests and found that she is a suitable match however she is overweight and her blood sugar is too high. So unless she is able to reduce these she wouldn’t be able to be the donor. She is trying her hardest to get these down. So during chatting this night, she expressed to me she didn’t want him to have any other kidney she wanted him to have hers, and actually said “I want him to have my kidney or none at all but that’s just me being selfish isn’t it” what? Surely any caring mum would just want what was best for their son? No matter what kidney it was? His dad also wanted to be a donor, and she didn’t like this she says his dad was a alcoholic however my partner can’t remember this she is the only person who has said this. So it’s her word against his dads really. When she found out his dad would like to be tested her words were “pfft he’s an alci his kidneys are pickled” excuse me but she drinks every day so hers won’t be much better. Also my boyfriends dads grandma had 3 kidneys and one needed to be removed so we’re unsure whether this is hereditary. We’re unsure the doctors haven’t confirmed this is where is has come from. But his mum thinks his dad has given it him, she was being so spiteful. She was saying things like “great dad you are you’re an alcoholic and then you give our son kidney disease” he hasn’t given it to him even if it is hereditary it’s nobody’s fault. I’m sure he didn’t want his mum to have three kidneys and I’m sure she didn’t want to have it either. That’s like me getting breast cancer and saying my grandma gave it to me. It’s awful. I get she may be saying this out of anger but she is always so spiteful towards his dad and I’ve never heard his dad say a bad word about her. If this was the only thing she had done and said I would probably not think anything about it, but she is forever saying things like this. I actually don’t think she likes the fact he still had a relationship with it’s his dad. I told my boyfriend about this and he couldn’t see anything wrong by any of these things. This again caused another argument. Me and my boyfriend are great we get on so well, we’re always laughing and joking with eachother it is literally the only problem we have. It’s so annoying I’ve thought plenty of times I should just leave. Then I’d be silly leaving a really good man just because his mums like this. I’ve tried just biting my tongue and not saying anything but then I find things builds up and if I let it, it builds up that much that I ended exploding. She comes across to me as though she wants to control everything it’s her way or no way. She comes across like she thinks my boyfriend is her property, like she owns him and as if he owes her something. The more time goes on the frustrated I get. Anyone else had this before. Does anyone think any of this is really bad? Am I overreacting? Any advice would be much appreciated!
View related questions:
alcoholic, at work, best friend, christmas, flowers, friend with benefits, her ex, moved out, on holiday, overweight Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 September 2020): So she offers to give him her kidney and that means he should be so grateful that she can treat him anyway she wants? She can never do wrong or ask too much?
He should worship the ground she walks on.
It is normal for family to give a kidney when needed - if they can - which is doubtful if she drinks a lot and is over weight anyway - she probably knows this and is relieved it will be all talk and never happen.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 September 2020): My mother was very much like your boyfriend's mother and some of her demands were ludicrous, it would have ruined my life if I had agreed to just a small percentage of them. I am now in my 60s and she still expects me to jump when she clicks her fingers - she has not even worked out that I never have and never will.
Your boyfriend needs to grow a pair of balls. This is not down to her - she can want all she likes. This is down to him not growing up and cutting the apron strings. Don't blame his mother, blame him. He is the yes man.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2020): Break up. I don't mean to be cavalier but he is a momma's boy. Things are not going to change. If you are okay with being #2 in your man's (sic) life and being under his mother's thumb then stay with him and continue to hope things will change. They won't.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2020): Just leave him to his mother.He does not have your back as he said what she said was not so bad.You may love him but unless he changes the way he deals with his mother and sets some real boundaries your relationship is doomed.I think you already know this but your heart does not want to yet.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2020): Totally agree with wise owl on this one . The first guy I seriously dated was tied to his mama apron strings .. that he blamed me for overloading their dryer .. when I hadn't done the laundry n didn't know how to use it .. his mother also thought I was Barbie as she continual wanted to dress me to look just right at the golf club . The list goes on .. but in truth the faults were her son's and his reluctance to stand up to his mother. You can imagine this didn't last - hopefully for you both there can be some distances.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2020): You complain because he had to pay £400 a month board when the mortgage does not cost that. Surely board includes utilities and food, so it comes to more than the mortgage.Nobody forced him to choose to live with her, he could have got his own place.Mothers are not there to give grown men a cheap place to live. He is old enough to pay his way in life. And, maybe that board and lodging was for the two of you - surely that means it was only per month each. Some mums might give cheaper rent to their son but not necessarily the girlfriend.Moving in as two grown adults with a mother is foolhardy - it smacks as you trying to save money at her expense and acting like immature kids instead of being independent, capable and standing on your own two feet.Your boyfriend is a wimp and a mummy's boy, why do you blame her? He is the silly fool who asks how high when she asks him to jump. Open your eyes and see how things really are!
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2020): This is a touchy subject; because we're dealing with your boyfriend's mother. You get only one, and she gave you life. My brothers and I were fiercely devoted and protective of my mother. She was loving, overprotective, worried about our mortal-souls, and she could be an iron-lady at times. Like grandmother!
It was our dad who neutralized her grip and created balance; he raised his boys to be men. He often reminded her how boys should be treated as we grew older. That by no means made us any less loving or devoted to her. Not all households have live-in dads; or fathers who are proactive in raising his sons. They provide for them financially, feed, and shelter them; but that's about it. They live on the couch, or an easy-chair in-front of the TV; when they're not at work. Beer is their main sustenance.
The problem really isn't his mother, it's the way he relates, responds, and reacts to his mother. The problem you have is not with mummy, it's sonny. He allows her to dominate and boss him around like a child. Your frustrations are that of a woman with a mama's-boy for a boyfriend. He warned you, and he tried to pull-away from her. She played nice with you to reel you in. Once she won you over, you were no longer an obstacle; she had her grip on her son again. You could never win that battle anyway! He submits to her control.
Once she got her grip on him, that's all she wrote! Distance is how you deal with intrusive or meddling relatives; but she's his mother, and she will pull the mother-card and drown him in guilt. He has to cut the umbilical-cord; and until he does that, she will be domineering and meddlesome. She seems to be somewhat narcissistic; and knows how to manipulate people through guilt, intimidation through fits, and she's relentless in getting her way. He was brought-up under these conditions; and it's hard to separate them once she's got her hold on him. He tried to keep his distance, but you insisted without listening to his reasoning; now that you've opened that Pandora's box, you want to shut it. It's too late!
The key to all this lies with your boyfriend. When he grows-up and becomes a man; she will realize he's not a child anymore. Why would a grown-man have to make up excuses for his mummy? Not that we don't all do it, mind you! They melt your heart! He should simply explain the facts; and let her go through her guilt-tripping antics and theatrics. Respectfully promise to come around and visit when the time is best. You only exacerbate the situation by trying to compete with her; but she has been manipulating him all his life.
Some people abuse love and devotion by being selfish and manipulative. They systematically find ways to corrode your self-confidence and break your spirit; until they make you submissive, dependent, and pliable. That's what gives a narcissist power over you. Not all mothers do this, but they have a special way of getting to you; in a way that nobody else on the planet could ever do!
You can love and honor your parents without allowing them to control and manipulate you. When a child, you must be respectful and obedient. As adults, you respect and honor them; and show devotion by making sure they are taken-care of during their frail and aging years. You appreciate their wisdom and advice; and use it when it's applicable. You shouldn't have to kowtow to them; but in some cultures, you'll be disowned and disinherited if you don't. If you live under their roof, they retain the authority of being your parents. Technically, you're using them; and wouldn't be there, if you had someplace-else to go.
Grown-men who allow their mothers to make whimpering teat-sucking saps out of them, doesn't prove how much you love your mother. It means she has broken and damaged you psychologically; and arrested your development. There's something wrong with her; and she passes it on through the way she parents, and raises her children. The adult-male she has created is less than a man. That's not what a loving-mother would do to her son. He has shown resistance, and even tried to discourage you from pushing him; so she doesn't have a vice-grip on him. He's very susceptible to shaming and manipulation from conditioning. That will prove unhealthy to his mental-stability over-time. It's like water-torture, it wears you down with persistence.
A mama's-boy can only be rehabilitated; if he is able to admit that his relationship with his mother is unhealthy, and needs to be restructured. Like I said, that's a touchy subject; and he will breakup with you before acknowledging there is something unhealthy about him and his mother. You wouldn't like it if someone told you that either!!! You'll have to learn to live with it; until he tires of it, and his testicles drop. You can only stand in the neutral-zone. She will always win.
...............................
|
