A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I went on a couple of dates with this guy, we met online. He's a bit older than me, runs a successful company and is handsome. On out dates he was very sweet, considerate and romantic. A really nice guy, who seemed almost too good to be true. For this reason after our first date, I decided to look him up on social media but his settings are very private. I went a little further and looked him up by name and phone number. From there, I found out that he either WAS married or is STILL married to this woman and they share kids together. I found her social media but did not see any recent pictures of them together, only one with their kids one year ago. I gave him the benefit of the doubt and thought maybe he is going through a divorce and didn't want to mention that early on. Until I specifically ASKED him if he was ever married or if he had kids to which he looked me in the eyes and denied. I wanted to tell him that I knew he was lying but didn't know how to without sounding like a crazy stalker. He asked me out again and wants me to come to his place for dinner, which makes me think he does not live at home with that woman but why would he keep that a secret? Especially when I mentioned my previous relationships with my exes. Should I continue seeing him? I really like him otherwise and we have a lot in common.
View related questions:
divorce, met online, my ex Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (26 August 2020):
 A person that lies about their marital status and their children, ESPECIALLY their children isn't someone that you really want to waste time on getting to know better. What possible excuse can he have? If he's separated or going through a divorce I can sort of understand but to deny that he has kids???? He's lying to you from the very start. What on earth can you build a relationship on?
Side note: This reminds me of the series 90 day fiance. The guy had 6 kids yet told the woman he had 2. Then when asked again he acted like it was no big deal "oh? Did I tell you I only had 2 kids? I thought I said I had 6." I mean REALLY?
End this relationship before it even gets started or you are looking at alot of trouble and possible heartbreak. If you don't have trust, you have NOTHING.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2020): Years ago I was in a romantic relationship and met a guy who claimed he was new to the area and lonely and just wanting platonic friends, he asked me out for dinner. He was much older than me, very ugly!, no personality, but I felt sorry for her and we went out for dinner. I told my romantic partner all about it. He was fine with it on this understanding.It was not long before this ugly old man invited me to his place for dinner. I was very wary of this as it is so private and who knows if he could be trusted. He then invited me to go on holiday with him. I said no both times. He started to message me saying that when we go on holiday (this is the holiday I had said no to) we would have separate rooms and no sex or touching so it would not be a problem for me.It did not occur to him that I had a business to run, that I did not want to give up my life for three weeks, and that I did not want to spend a whole three weeks with him, nor that I did not know him well enough or like him well enough or trust him enough to be in a foreign country with him.A few days later he sent me more messages saying that when we go on the holiday (the one I had repeatedly said no to) he would need to change the separate bed thing so that we would be in the same bed and have sex, because he gets lonely in bed and he cannot sleep otherwise! What crap. He bombarded me with messages which insisted we would go on holiday and kept shifting the goal posts and expecting more and more. I ignored every one of the messages but it made no difference.Once a guy gets it into his head that the relationship is going to be sexual or intimate he ignores what you say.This guy had no respect for my wishes, he did not respect the fact I was already spoken for, nor did he respect I had a business to run. Even if I had been totally single I would not have wanted someone so disrespectful or selfish. It also never occurred to this guy that if I had wanted a holiday I would have chosen who I go with, when and where, not gone with whoever asks me to wherever they choose when they choose.After a while he bombarded with with more messages nagging me to get rid of my partner and finding fault in him. Even though he had never met him and knew nothing about him. Months later I was visiting a friend in hospital and guess what. There was this ugly old man visiting a very ill old lady in hospital, it looked like they were man and wife. A few weeks later I saw the pair of them walking around the shop and it was clear they were man and wife. Yet he had been angry about me, a single woman, dating a single man. Simply because it did not suit him.When you are first getting to know someone they can come across as perfect, great company, charming, nice, but much of that can be an act to get what they want.When your guy asks you if you would like to go to his for dinner he asks - he does not force the issue - but what happens if you say no. What happens if you say it is too soon. Try it and see. Find out if he is the sort who gets very pushy and only thinks about what he wants or if he respects that. It is a deal breaker.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2020): Plenty of married men (OR men in proper relationships) try it on with other women - especially if their wife is away on holiday or visiting family or with work. I have known of men who plan it - they say to themselves, ah ah. Wife is away for eight weeks in November and December and they see it as a way to let their hair down and have a wild time with some other victim while she is away.I have had men inviting me over then - not mentioning that in a few weeks she will be back again and the invites will dry up.It is also a case of inviting you over for sex - not a date, where you go out and have dinner and then go back to your own places, but being together there all cosy means they want sex. Supposing you go and have sex then what? Will he then make excuses about being too busy or just drop you when wife returns? Or will he come up with lots of lies and excuses to keep you hooked so he can try to have sex with you again? Turning you into a mistress without your permission or approval?You do not know for sure this man was ever married - he might have been having a photo taken with his close sister or a close friend, it really depends on so much.But you should make sure of all of this before you decide further.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2020): I agree with Kenny, don't do anything like sending pictures. That comes across as stalky and creepy. Just cut all ties, and disconnect all means of contact. That's enough!
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (25 August 2020):
 While I get it's easier (to a point) to ignore his calls, I would probably just take the call and tell him you don't see the two of you going any further, wish him well and THEN block his number.
You don't NEED to give him a more in depth explanation. You are ENTITLED to decide that he isn't for you without having to give him a reason or "expose" him.
...............................
A
male
reader, kenny  +, writes (25 August 2020):
 I would refrain from sending that photo, you know he is a liar. Keep ignoring his calls and texts. I would delete all his contacts details and move on with your life.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2020): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks everyone for your input. Yes I am positive he is the same person with the family. The only thing is that I wouldn't have known any of this information without being a huge detective. I've been ignoring his calls and texts and was thinking of sending the family photo that I saw to him just to see what he says but I don't want to come off as a stalker
...............................
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (25 August 2020):
 Are you absolutely sure of the information you have? Could she be a family member? Could she be someone he dated who had kids from a previous relationship?
If you are 100% sure the information is correct, then I would wonder what else he could lie about. Someone who denies his own children will lie about ANYTHING. Do you want to waste time on someone like that?
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2020): A lie as serious as denying his previous marital-status and whether he has kids should be a deal-breaker. You had to go behind his back to find the truth. Why would you bother going out again, when you know he lied when there was no reason to do so? That wasn't just a little fib, that was an out-and-out bald-face lie; which explains all the abundance of charm and appeal. He put on his best face. Just not the honest one.
You said this yourself:
"A really nice guy, who seemed almost too good to be true."
That's what the smart little voice in your head told you. Listen to her!
...............................
A
male
reader, kenny +, writes (25 August 2020):
I always think that honesty is the best policy, and i can't understand why he has looked you in the eye and lied about having kids, and a wife, whether he is married or divorced we don't know.
If he said to you he is married, or has been married, and he has kids he adores you would have respected his honesty and carried on seeing him.
Now he has looked you in the eye and lied to you about the whole situation, i think this is a major red flag. If he is capable of lying about something as big as this, then what else would he be capable of lying about in the future.
If you two got serious you would eventually find out about his wife and kids,it's inevitable. Which at this point i wonder if he is looking at you as a short term thing.
You have only known him a short while and already he is lying to you. Trust is one of the most important things that bind a relationship together, and he has broken the trust already.
Think i would be inclined to let this one go, i don't see a good outcome if someone can lie to someone so early on about something so big.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (25 August 2020):
If you are 100% sure that you got the right person, I would decline any further contact.
Why?
Because if a man will lie about having been married and having kids, he will lie about ANYTHING and EVERTYHING.
Plus the wife could be on a family visit or holiday. Him inviting you over doesn't automatically mean he is single or live alone.
Be smart.
...............................
|
