A
male
age
,
anonymous
writes:When I proposed to my wife she was 5' and a perfect size zero. She had lovely long hair and walked like a graceful lady. Exactly my type. Now after 15 yrs of marriage she's a size 14-16 w/ short hair and walks like a chimp. Doubling her weight resulted in rolls of fat that make repell me. I cannot make love to her anymore, the obesity is a complete turn off. What can I do? I gained 10lbs, she gained 115. I love her but it's becoming more of a friendship love now...she is no longer the object of desire I married. I am contemplating a trial separation to motivate her to seriously diet or face divorce. I cannot continue to live a sexless life. What should I do?
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female
reader, gym bunny  +, writes (3 December 2013):
I totally sympathise with you I had twin daughters at big weights for twins I work for myself and run a house too also looking after my daughters as well as work I am 5"7 weighing a 124lbs size 8/10 I work hard and it's even harder at my age of 41 but I exercise daily gym 5 times a week either beforeachildren up at 6am or after work at 8pm once my children are sorted weekends we walk with the dogs go swimming and have fun in want to look and feel good for myself and my children and as for him our bed now is found big enough for us both he is massive his snoring drives me insane his big belly and three chins is not attractive garden actually lost my breath when we tried to make love as he squashed me it's a huge turn off I do not find him attractive he takes no pride any more and just stuffs his face constantly i am not shallow and definitely not attracted to him tell your wife straight because being fit and attractive is fantastic and being fat is not happy healthy or attractive good luck
A
male
reader, Inxsrocks +, writes (12 September 2009):
Dear Doubled In Size, I am happy that I stumbled upon your question because it really hits home. I also married a 5 footer that went from about 125 to over 300 over 30 some odd years. I don't think you are being shallow and I will bet your heart aches for her. For all of the people that said to just talk it out, go for walks, get to the bottom of the problem, tell her what to do and all of that business you don't think that we haven't tried and begged for her to get healthy. You don't think that my kids and I haven't warned her that she will destroy her knees, have breathing problems and all of that. You don't think that I haven't made idle threats of leaving. There is so many things I have tried over the years and it all ends up at the same point... she is in charge of her mind, body and soul and she makes her own choice on how to live her life.Now after 30 some years of loving the girl inside and hoping the girl on the outside would come back for her and my sake I have come to realize that the girl on the inside will remain the caring wife she is to me and the outside will keep getting worse. She has ruined her knees, her exercise consists of walking from her chair to the car to go to a market with one of those ride on carts to replenish her stash of potato chips and junk food. She has been a great wife and a great mother but as much as I have kept my word that I would keep her in sickness and in health I think that she has not kept her end by honoring and respecting me and ultimately herself. She has let herself go to the point that not only is she morbidly obese but she is gross, unclean and she is an absolute sexual turn off.Now last time I checked she has her needs as much as I do. Do I try and take care of her? Sure I do... I don't like it, but I do it. Has she done anything to help me with my needs? No! So what are the options when it comes to my sexual needs? Should I get a separation or divorce? Do I seek out an affair? Do I visit professionals? Sexual needs are just that, needs. I don't need a size zero, I can get a 180 lb troll with a baby fat belly and get excited that I am not looking at dripping fat.So for all of the people that judged you in the negative I think that they did not try and put themselves in your shoes. For the young man that has had no experience in life yet, you are still wet behind the ears... write to us after you have put up with a sore spot for 20 or 30 years and for the rest that did try and help, you have actually helped me in so much as when I was thumbing through this forum I was thinking about walking and now I am leaning toward keeping my lady as happy as I can and pray that she never catches me getting such a small part of life with another woman. And I guess if she does, she will be able to do as she has done with her weight and that is to make up her own mind as to accept me for who I am or get rid of me.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2009): I cannot beleive that people on here are calling you shallow. Thats just plain stupid. What you fell in love with was a confident woman who took pride in herself. What you have now is a someone who is morbidly obese. I know it sounds harsh but thats the way it is people.
Getting married is not an excuse to just let yourself go. You need to respect your marriage enough to want to contribute, finacially, emotionally and sexually. It is the responsibility of the both people within the couple to keep the passion alive and yes people that includes looking after yourself.
You have stuck with her an extremly long time through this. I think honesty is the key here. Its going to hurt her a LOT to have you say to her face that she has a problem but I think you should do it.
Points id adress with her are;
1- You love her a LOT she has been an amazing mother and wife for some years
2- You know by all means that YOU yourself are not perfect and would also like to give her an opportunity to talk about aspects of the marriage she thinks needs attention
3- That your ashamed and sorry to feel it but her weight is masking the beautiful intelligent woman inside. That looks are not everything but as she has let herself go even though you love her you dont desire her like you used to and you want to get that feeling back
4- That it would mean the world to you and your family (expecially the kids) if she were to consider getting her health back on track.
5- that you are there for her 100% of the way and will help her with the housework, child minding whatever she needs while she works out. Maybe even get bikes and go riding as a family.
If she takes no notice then you have done all you can and I would advise a trial seperation. Be wary though her pride may be so hurt she will never take you back.
If she decides to go the healthy option then make both of you a doctors appointment (so she doesn't feel singled out) depression may be taking a toll on her motivation and drive and needs to be adressed. Take time to excersise together and maybe even cook every 3rd night or so something like grilled meat and salad. Also if she is going to bed so early maybe she is bored or lonely?? Take a bath together, watch a movie, have some wine? offer to give her a massage. I think she just needs some TLC
To the rest of you who say this man is shallow...how many of you are with a person whith is morbidly obese??? And if so do they turn you on? REALLY?
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male
reader, mfoster1987 +, writes (10 June 2009):
 I was going to say you are a shallow a-hole, but i had to think a while about that. Obviously when you guys were married it was for love not just looks.(hopefully) If you still love her then the best thing for you to do is tell her how you feel and help her to get back to a healthy weight. If all you are concerned about it looks then my first opinion was correct. But i am guessing the wedding vows said alot about this type of situation; e.g. for better or poorer, in sickness and in health, etc. so man up and love your wife first, her body second, and help her to lose the weight for her health not just so you will want to have sex with her again.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2009): Stay together but both lose weight together, make it a target aim for the year :) but have fun with it
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2009): I guess everyone has a rather strong opinion about this issue. But, realistically speaking, I have to say that at least the guy posing the question was honest about his feelings. Whether you agree or disagree about the weight issue and its relevance to his choice to stay and help or divorce her, I think they guy deserves good advice.
My view is that love has no rules. I wish to God it did, but it doesn't have any. I'm sorry to say that people fall in and out of love as easily as they change their clothes. It's a sad world we live in when what matters most is how we feel about OUR needs, OUR wants, OUR expectations at any given moment rather than how we can strive to love each other more and make things work. Sad indeed.
You may think you will be happier if you find a skinny wife, but the reality is that if you aren't happy now with this one, you probably won't be satisfied with the next one either. It's the human condition.
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female
reader, *problems* +, writes (9 June 2009):
 hi maybe if you spoke to your wife about this instead off an out of the blue trial seperation!!!, speak to her! surely when you got married you must have realised that no one stays the same,, and yes youv gained weight too, why dont you suggest doing something together,, get motivated,, it may not b your cup of tea or hers but its better than 2 broken hearts and yous may even start getting on more,, think about what she will say when you say it to her, maybe theres a reason for the weight gain ,it could b baby weight or she may have things on her mind, try it! i really do hope you work it out,, atleast try and solve the problem before letting it split yous apart xxx
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2009): Your frustration is completely reasonable, but I think rather than giving her an ultimatum, you two should sit down and have a loooong chat.
Tell her that you still love her, but that she is not healthy. If I remember correctly, you said you gained weight as well? Why don't you both go on a diet together? It's something that will benefit both of you, and an easy solution to bringing up her weight without hurting her.
I don't think it's fair to pressure her into losing weight, if you don't plan to make the same effort.
It sounds like you assume that you threatened to divorce her, she would lose weight to get you to stay.... but what if she didn't? What if she's happy with her weight, and decides that it's YOUR loss? Would you be okay with that?
Is a divorce REALLY what you want, or is it an easy way to get her to do what you want her to do?
I'm sure you are a good husband, but I think you have to remember that marriage is a partnership, and if you want your wife to lose weight, you should be prepared to make sacrifices for the relationship as well, rather than setting up an ultimatum such as divorce.
Why don't you BOTH go on a diet? That's something you can do together, and certainly isn't as scary or threatening as a trial separation.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2009): Same here guy. Wife was hot. Now she's not. I'm nothing more than a paycheck to her. However, since we have three kids I can't leave. She has told me that if I do I'll never see them again. Not to mention that I still love the person that lives inside that bloated body of hers. She has tried ever diet known to man but still can't lose the weight. I suggested that she stop going to bed at 8:00 every night with the baby but she does not listen to me. Her metablism must be going in reverse. She sleeps a minimum of ten hours a night. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that we have had a baby in our bed for the past nine years. I swear sometime I think she wanted to spread out her pregnancies just so she could avoid sex. Anyway, I already calculated child support and it does not look good. If you are going to leave make sure you do it before you have anymore children. That or take out a nice big life insurance policy and step in front of a bus.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2009): You all misunderstand. I wasn't calling him shallow, not in the strictest sense of the word.
I was pointing at the cause of her gaining weight in the first place, and the probable motivation for her losing it, not just purely the current situation.
It is my opinion there is love lost in this relationship, and that's what led to the downward spiral. Its why she gained weight, and consequently, why he ceased to see her as attractive.
I think you have to change your inner dialogue towards this woman, if you do, it will shine through and motivate her to want to change to please you. That desire to please you is gone and that's why she doesn't take care of herself. You have to examine why this happened, and what YOU can do about yourself in relation to her, in addition to what she can do for you.
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male
reader, athiestbutstillcares +, writes (8 June 2009):
DON'T LISTEN TO EVERYBODY WHO IS CALLING YOU SHALLOW!!! This is a completely legitimate question. I would not get a separation because these problems are usually emotional, a sort of mid-life crisis. i would sit down with her and talk. Do Not and repeat DON NOT comment on her weight! Just ask how she's doing and really try to get deeply into the core of her problems. If that doesn't work,maybe find an excuse to put her in therapy she just ay not feel comfortable talking to you
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2009): I can believe that you are married you need to take a good look at yourself! You are so shallow for wanting to divorce your WIFE because she gained weight. You obviously married her for her looks! Haven't you heard looks fade that's why you fall in love with someone for something deeper!
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2009): Ugh, the double standards here are terrible. If a woman came in here with the same problem she would have been shown all sorts of understanding, told to help work things through with her husband and to somehow fault the hubbby for his weight gain.
Men more than women desire sexual intimacy alongside love, especially more important considering that we have a higher sex drive (not includig the odd few that don't). So it's understandable why he feels this way. No one can control when they get turned off by someone, otherwise you're just living with a really close friend, and sex is a human need that doesn't go away after marriage.
Now I don't agree on leaving your wife over this. I mean all those years spent together just to be thrown away because you can't sort out an obstacle without even trying? You should have an open yet tactful conversation with her about stuff like that. Probably also work out yourself to motivate her too if she sees that you're working really hard to get in shape again.
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female
reader, pebble +, writes (7 June 2009):
 Troubledtoomuch has it spot on. No way is a 14/16 healthy for a person of only 5 foot. Especially not one who used to be a size zero. 14/16 is not curvy and womanly, it's obese and grossly unhealthy for a person of that height. It poses serious health risks for the future.
I'm not saying size zero is better either. Before anyone jumps on it.
Poster, you need to look at why your wife has put on so much weight. And that includes examining your own behaviour. Unhappiness? Depression? Low self esteem? Unpleasent comments from you? Pressure? Stress? A genuine medical illness? The possibilities are endless.
You don't put on that much weight just because... There is always an underlying problem. You're wife is not going to be particularly happy about it herself, but I'm thinking maybe she doesn't have enough support from those around her to do something about it.
So instead of thinking entirely about your sexual needs, why not talk to her about it maturely, and figure out what the problem is and how to help her. That's going to give you much better results that threatening her with divorce.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2009): Where do people get the idea that size 14/16 is healthy? It might be normal in today's overweight society, but certainly not healthy. Why do you people think there is such an increase in type 2 diabetes?
My wife wears either size 4 or 6 and she is right in the middle of the ideal BMI range for her 5 ft 4 height. This man's wife used to be a size 0, which was probably too thin for her, but then she is only 5 ft tall. That size would probably put her at 80 pounds minimum. If she has gained 115 pounds then she is now 195 at 5 ft tall. You people are correct. She is not overweight. She is actually classified as obese. She is actually 40 pounds over the beginning range of obese. And it's not because she has a large bone structure. Anyone with a large bone structure cannot be a size 0, ever.
Try this calculator to see if you are damaging your health by being seriously overweight.
http://www.nhlbisupport.com/bmi/
If you are well into the overweight or obese range then do yourself a favor and go on a weight loss program. I gained 30 pounds in the first 20 years after marriage. I weighed less than his wife probably does and I was 5 ft 10. I have now lost 20 of those pounds and kept them off for over 5 years. I feel a lot better and my wife says that having sex with me is better and more comfortable for her. If women can tell their husbands who are 20 pounds overweight that they should lose weight then why can't a man tell his wife who is probably 65 pounds overweight and well into the obese range to lose weight. My wife wanted me to lose weight and I'm very happy that I did.
My advice to the OP is to very carefully read the intelligent and realistic answers, like those from kaylagal, tired82, Emilysanswers, rocknroll and Chippy2. Those are all helpful answers that you should consider trying.
If my wife were in that BMI range she would weigh 225 pounds. If I were in that BMI range I would weigh 255 pounds. I doubt that either one of us would have any interest in sex with the other.
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female
reader, Olivia(Y). +, writes (7 June 2009):
 You do not deserve your wife at all.
You should of married her for personality because if you really loved her you would love her no matter what she looks like.
Size 0 is unhealthy. Size 14/16 isn't obest its called healthy and curvy.
Don't even bother asking her to lose weight, if shes happy how she is then you should be happy to.
Livia
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2009): is this even a serious question?????i agree that physical attraction is important but leaving her to get her to lose weight???? how stupid shallow pathetic and heartless can you be to even consider doing that?have you talked about this to her?have you tried helping her lose weight?have you tried at all in any way?have you encouraged her to?maybe losing weight yourself or working on something with yourself, supporting her with an exercise program and an appropriate diet??a size 14-16 is healthy and normal and surely a man at your age understands and realises how the media portrays completely unrealistic images of females as 'perfect' airbrushed models who have been completely done up and have had plastic surgeries?im only a 17 year old guy yet i am obviously much more smart/mature than you.like i said i do understand that physical attraction is important. and going from a size 0 to a size 14-16 in those 15 years assumedly when she is an adult is a very large and unhealthy weight gain.why has she gained so much weight?is she lazy and living an unhealthy lifestyle and not caring and taking care of herself. because if so- then this is an issue you need to HELP her withbut... is it because of things she cant help like genetics? if so then you need to love her for who she is and if you really loved her wouldnt you find her beautiful and sexually appealing whatever she looked like?maybe you should leave her if your going to be such a stupid ignorant selfish worthless pathetic fool.so she can find a better husband.anyway goodluck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2009): you are one shallow shallow man my friend! i agree with these people! you need to seriouslyyyy get a grip! not all women are perfect size 0 models nowadays you know! shes hardly overweight at a size 14/16! belive it or not its the average womans HEALTHY size! size zero is hardly healthy?!?!?? your meant to love the woman you marry not write questions like this about her! jeeeeez
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2009): I have to wonder why people think the physical appeal of a person does not matter. To those who have deemed this man shallow, ask yourself this: can you stay married to a woman or a man who is 200 pounds over weight and refuses to do anything about it? Can you imagine to continue to have a sexual relationship with your lover, if he or she is 300 pounds at 5 feet tall?
What if when you two first met, you two loved fitness and travel and your partner eventually became obese, unfit and lazy? Would you still call this man shallow?
Why doesn't people understand that the package also includes the physique? Why don't people brand a person 'shallow' if that person found his/her lover not nearly as intellectually compatible? Why do people only deem a person 'shallow' if they are turned off by a person's physical traits?
At the time of dating and the marriage proposal, you choose to marry the person at the time of that proposal. Indeed, people change over time, but when people change drastically enough and no longer connect with the partner sexually, visually, as well as emotionally and intellectually, it is not a wonder that even a loving relationship can decay.
Many people refuse to believe that unconditional love exists in scripted plays and fairy tales. In reality, an individual has many layers of personality traits, as well as many degrees of desires and dislikes.
As for the man that has posted his question, you should communicate with your wife about this. You can try encouraging her to do exercises with you. It's also possible that she is going through issues on her own.
One aspect of growth between couples is when each person keep their lines of communication clear and opened.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2009): You are a sick, selfish fool. You will get your karma.
Anyways, maybe she has health problems. Take her to a good acupuncturist and in a month she'll be fine. (I know this because it happened to my friend's mom. She gained weight rapidly through a short period of time.)
However,it's your choice to believe me or not. However, I'm stating the truth.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2009): the problem is...
what if u leave her and she loses weight and then you find you like her again - what if she takes it seriously and doesnt want you, oh then there'll be trouble.
and by saying this you cud be insulting all of the big woman out there and that isnt good! I see what you mean but its still a bit shallow.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2009): I think to say you are shallow for no longer being attracted is over the top. I understand completely where you are coming from and you have every right to not be attracted to someone who is literally obese (when she was very thin when you married her). Sure you can be attracted to inner beauty, but it's IMPOSSIBLE to only be attracted to that. We have evolved to care mostly about appearances. The fact that you are asking here what to do instead of simply leaving her is a good sign. I don't think leaving her is the right thing to do here. Why don't you start out trying to suggest doing active things together, like going for walks/hikes/bike rides and other fun things that are great exercise? Doing them together is fun, and it doesn't sound like you're trying to make her lose weight. You can also try to eat healthier by saying YOU want to eat healthier and could try to incorporate it into your cooking slowly at first. Once you start making an effort to eat healthier (having larger servings of greens/veggies than proteins and carbs, making sure to have a vegetable or fruit at EVERY meal, swapping desert for fruit or something low fat, etc...) it becomes easier and easier to do. At first it will seem difficult and annoying, but really after awhile you stop noticing and it just becomes delicious routine. Also, instead of regular soda, try coke zero or other colas sweetened with splenda. They taste nearly identical (not like diet) and will cut many calories out of hers and your diet (assuming you drink more than one a day). By buying these things when shopping and using the excuse that YOU want to eat healthier, your wife should follow along.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2009): "walks like a chimp."
lol..
Wow. This man has a serious problem, would you want someone that walks like a chimp?
The answer is of course, she doesn't really walk like a chimp. But your inner dialogue about this woman is troubling. That is the first thing that needs a look at. If you think such derogatory thoughts about her, no wonder you are not attracted to her! Where is the love? Your inner dialogue about the one you love should be kind and positive. I would bet that that is the root of all your problems right there.
Where is the love, buddy?
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female
reader, kaylagal +, writes (6 June 2009):
 You guys are married and should be able to talk about anything. Be honest with her and just ask her to lose some weight. Be supportive during that process but don't apply too much pressure. Maybe go to the gym with her or talk walks together.
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female
reader, kellyxxx +, writes (6 June 2009):
 She is your wife, you should love her unconditionally! You make me sick, if you were my husband I would leave you because you sound like a slime ball!
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2009): Well good lord, you didn't marry her for just her looks did you?
I'm afraid this is very shallow.
She is the same person inside and if you really love her and know how to lvoe her, then you will encourage her and help her. Not leave her alone.
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female
reader, tired82 +, writes (6 June 2009):
 Okay, first of all I don't think you are shallow. I think you are human. You love your wife but are no longer interested in her sexually. You are right you can't continue with a sexless life. So do something about it. Don't threaten her with divorce, nor get separated from her. If you truly love her as you say you do well then help her lose weight. Join a gym together, there are plenty of gyms out there that have couples sales going on year round. Make it part of your routine and daily life. You should be motivating her to lose weight rather than giving her ultimatums. Let her know how you feel. If she loves you she will lose weight for you and for the health of your relationship. Stay by her side and support her. You will see that in doing so you will turn your whole life around. Best of luck.
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female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (6 June 2009):
Sorry but I am not going the route of "you should love her even if she is clinically obese!!!"
Yes, she has gained weight and no one can blame you for going off her but FORCING her to dangerously diet or get an eating disorder by saying "drop 10 dress sizes by next month or I'm divorcing you" is just NOT ON!
You want her to lose weight then you help her.
Stop buying snacks, help her cook healthy meals. Take her out for long walks in the country.
The weight will fall off her if she stops eating junk food and does a little very light exercise.
If you push her into running or anything more than that before she has dropped a bit of weight then it will destroy her knees and put too much strain on her heart.
She should be aiming to be back down to an average size for her age in time for next summer, not before, or it will all pile back on.
She will probably never be a size zero again but she could easily get down into single figure dress sizes as long as YOU provide the following things:
Love, support, encouragement.
You should NEVER consider leaving her, but you can suggest that you both take a walk on a lovely evening, or a trip to the local park / country side on a sunny day.
Good Luck!! xx
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female
reader, dearkelja +, writes (6 June 2009):
 Nor do they stop loving someone when they get a cute spunky haircut. Lifestyle and hair changes make it easier and much more stylish for some of us to have short hair.
I agree. You are too shallow and have neglected this woman's inner beauty. And she knows it and it has made her very unhappy.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2009): from a guy...
There are many things we cannot fix about ourselves but weight is not one of them. If you left because of breast cancer or something I would agree with the others.
But you did NOT make her over-eat as some of the commenters seem to indicate. She put the food into her mouth.
The choice you proposed was to leave or help her. I say help her, if she will let you and if she will help herself. If she refuses to let you help her and refuses to help herself, I think you are out of options.
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male
reader, rocknroll +, writes (6 June 2009):
Walks like a chimp? Poor wife!
You may have contributed to this, ever thought of this? How?
I suggest you get creative, such as taking her out a little more in public, get some activities going, such as walks in a park. Maybe direct the course that you both go to a gym and together, with you setting the stage that motivates her, to excersize in get into shape together.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2009): It sounds like u only love her for her looks, in which case you don't deserve her.
Instead of threatening her with a divorce perhaps you should offer to help her lose weight, go to the gym with her etc, make her healthy meals.
This will bring you closer as a couple.
Its better than any seperation.
A seperation could just hurt her and she may not even want you back.
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female
reader, Chippy2 +, writes (6 June 2009):
I suggest that you see her as the lovely woman you married and treat her as such and I bet that she will want to lose the weight to please herself.
I just found out my boyfriend of 3 yrs was cheating on me. When I met him I weighed 125. Now I weigh 202. Why the large weight gain? Because he made me feel bad about myself. I tried to tell him when he started neglecting me. He said sex was not all that important. But it was to me! So I was put on antidepressants and antianxiety meds then bipolar meds all of which made me gain weight.
Does she take any meds? Has she started taking new meds? of there may a metabolic problem with her thyroid. I also take thyroid medicine.
If you love her - have her get a checkup and then get going on the sex. I think in time you will see a big difference in how you see her. Until then make love in the dark!
Good Luck -
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2009): Yes, you probably should leave her because she deserves someone who will love her the way she deserves to be loved!
And if you do leave, I am curious to see how many size O's you get!
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male
reader, Bryce  +, writes (6 June 2009):
Has she had any kids?
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female
reader, Serenityelf  +, writes (6 June 2009):
How shallow! I truly feel sorry for your wife because it appears you loved how she looked and not the person inside. Sometimes women put on weight from stress and loveless marriages. Perhaps you should look at yourself and seek some therapy. You don't even know what she thinks about you; you've also put on weight and are older now and perhaps even thinner on top, not to mention other things that have probably weakened.
Everyone gets older and most people don't stop loving/wanting someone because they put on weight.
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