A
male
age
22-25,
*avyn_26
writes:The mother of my child and my ex girlfriend got a new boyfriend. We’ve been broke up since October 28, of last year. So roughly 14 months ago. About, May of that time period, only a month or two after our son was born. We were at my senior graduation party and we got into an argument, so she ran off with one of my “friends” and I didn’t see her again the rest of the night, I’m still not completely sure what actually happened that night, truthfully I don’t think I want to know. Weeks went on and she was hiding her phone when she would text people. Eventually I caught her talking to the guy from the party. We fought and I threatened to leave her, she begged and pleaded, plus she was the mother of my child whom, I loved so I stayed. She apologized and said it was a drunken mistake she made bc she was mad at me. She said she did it bc he made her feel wanted and I hadn’t been, I spent to much time at my friends house.We were living with her parents and I was working for her dad and by about the end of September he couldn’t afford to pay me and I was without a job. Things in the house started going bad by this time and there were whispers that I could be doing better as a father and man in the house, mostly from her mother and/or father fed down to her. by the end of that month we all got into an argument about how I was doing as a father and I was kicked out of the house. A month later I caught her talking to the guy from the party again and we were over. We had a really rough break up, my heart was broken and in The event I said and did things I regret. I told her to take her son and never speak to me again, I called her a slut, and I abandoned both of them. Fast forward a year, it’s October, 2019. I have a new job working on the road making good money, and the money will only get better. I set up a date with her mom to drop off like $400 of name brand baby clothes, I had to set it up with her mother bc she didn’t want me to have anything to do with her or our son after walking out on him. I dropped the clothes off and it was my first moment of pure happiness in what felt like an eternity. The next time I came to see him my ex was there and I told her how I felt. I told her I was sorry for my share of our issues and that I’d always love her. That I got a job and turned my life around (spent the year I was away robbing people and selling drugs) for our son, that I wanted her back, that I loved her and wanted us to be a family. She started to cry and hugged me, and told me the worst part was thinking I hated her the whole time, I told her regardless of anything, she’s my baby mama and I’d always love her. We decided we wanted to start by trying to be friends again and go from there. For about a month things were going good. We kissed, hugged, had deep talks about how we felt, how a part of her still loved me too, Fell asleep together one night cuddling, she even sent me nudes. The only red flag was that she felt “weird” when we kissed but she would still kiss me so I didn’t think nothing of it. When we stopped kissing again it was by my choice, It was hurting my feelings that it was weird for her. The effort she put in was less and less, I was sensing she was interested in somebody else but when I would say anything she would convince me she didn’t have interest in nobody. Weeks and a few more conversations about how badly I wanted us to work ensued and my fear was a reality not only did she have interest in somebody else, she had a boyfriend that she had been hiding from me for I don’t even know how long, and the first time I laid eyes on him it was kissing the girl I loved. I asked her why and she couldn’t tell me. Just that she did try for us and her not being able to give me what I want was tearing her apart (love, attention, affection, time) she was tired of not being enough and that she tried to tell me she wasn’t sure about us. I didn’t feel that way I felt led on, lied to and heart broken, bc she would always somewhere in the conversation we would have about us say she wanted us to be a family or something to give me some hope. She tried to very subtly flirt with me a couple times after that and even once try to tell me he wasn’t her bf yet (2 days after confiding to me that he was) now that she’s sure I won’t flirt with her, or buy her food or any of the other benefits I deem for the girl that I’m romantically interested in, she doesn’t talk to me. She used to pick me up to visit our son, now I find my own ride. She used to talk to me everyday, now it’s just her swiping up on my Snapchat story bc there’s another girl on there (3 times in 2 weeks(I’ve been a bit of a hoe these last few weeks)) to say things to make me feel bad. she used to send me like 10 pictures a day of our son, in the past three weeks since I’ve known she’s sent me pictures on two occasions and also told me that nobody will raise our son but her, not me, not some dumb b**** I get with, just her. This all really breaks my heart, I’m not walking away from my son this time. I just feel like I’m never going to have my own family now, and working on the road without a family to come home to is killing me, I changed my whole life to get my family back together it’s all I want and that’s not what she wants anymore. Not with me anyway..
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2019): If you are not smart enough to lawyer up to get 50 50 custody of your child that is on you.If you love your child lawyer up already.
A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (29 December 2019):
 I’m going to be blunt because it seems like you need a bit of a wake up call. Time to grow up. “Mother of my child”, not “baby mama”. “Our child”, never “her child”. Any QUALITY items, not just “name brand”.
You two are toxic together. You’re toxic apart. You’re toxic with others. You need more time single - both of you - to stop the immaturity. You are not just a PERSON any more; you are a PARENT. Stop acting like a child.
You should change your life FOR YOUR SON, not to get your ex back. Your son is all that matters, but you still need to treat your ex with respect, regardless of her behaviour, because she’s the mother of your son.
Time to get legal about this. No more fudging it up between the two of you. Get custody and child support sorted out BY LAWYERS. You OWE her money for raising your son. She does not OWE you a ride to see your child. You are an ADULT, even if you’re both being childish. You’re responsible for your OWN ride and son’s expenses.
Time to get a lawyer, OP. Get visitation legally arranged. Get child support legally arranged.
No more sleeping around. Just stop it. Also, any new partners shouldn’t meet your son for at least 6 months, preferably longer. Children don’t need revolving doors of their parents’ partners. You both need to learn how to be good parents before you start trying to build families with anyone else.
You did criminal things too, so you have even more to make up for. Having a well-paying (LEGAL) job for a couple of months is nothing. You need to stick to it and make regular payments for your son, not just expensive gifts.
She shouldn’t use your son as a pawn, but it’s no surprise that she doesn’t want you around your son. Your behaviour has been ridiculously appalling. Your poor son has been born to two children.
Get legal help and grow up.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (29 December 2019):
 Two words...GROW UP. I can say this and own it because I had a baby when I was only 19. So was the father. I NEVER acted the way that you and the baby mama are acting. You abandoned both of them. Shitty....real shitty. Out selling drugs?? Come on dude! You had a baby young....very young but that means you need to grow up quick. Stop screwing around with random chicks, hold down a job and accept that your baby mama doesn't want to be with you. Be a good dad. See your child when you can, help pay for him and don't be a deadbeat dad. I truly know how hard it is to be a parent so young but that's the hand you were dealt so deal with it in a responsible manner. We got married, held down full time jobs, went to college and took good care of our little girl. Yes, we had our parents help but the lions share of things fell on me....at 19. If I did it, you can too. Seek out the help/advice of responsible people. Are your parents in the picture? Try to make friends with the baby mama's parents..ask them what the baby needs. Show them that you are willing to take responsiblity. They are more than likely really taking care of the babies needs. STEP UP. Good luck. You can become a good parent..if you want to, and if you try.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2019): You're two children with a child. You haven't grown-up, and you're faced with heavy parental-responsibilities.
You need to get yourself into college, community college, or a trade-school; and earn some kind of degree. You mention nothing of either of you going to college. Even if you're working, there's night school. You have to stabilize your life.
This back and forth you're having with your child's mother isn't amounting to anything. You're still acting like a couple of high school students. You're both parents, and you need to stop with hiding secret-boyfriends and sleeping around. You are too young to marry, or be parents; but you are parents anyway. If she wanted to be with you, she wouldn't keep trying to see somebody else! Capiche!
Name-calling and storming-out on your kid makes you the big-baby. If she wants to see other guys, you may as well man-up to the fact that you're not the one.
Having a child wasn't planned; and it only obligates you to be a good father, and to financially-support your son. You have a moral-obligation to get along with her, and to set her free. She doesn't want a relationship with you anymore. It is what it is! You can be civil towards each other, and co-parent your child. Her parents know your past, so now you've got to prove yourself. They don't have to like you; but you forced your way into their lives with a kid. At least earn their respect, and you may eventually get their love.
Work-out something between you and your child's mother to spend time with your son. Prove you are becoming a good-man, and serious about taking-on responsibility as a father. Try and get along with her, and stop trying to force her to be your girlfriend; if she doesn't want to anymore. Show respect for her parents, and they will show respect for you.
They had a right to whisper their concerns, while you were living in their house. You got their daughter pregnant; while you were both still in high school. They are obviously struggling, and had to take you in. Then you got in an argument with the very people who tried to help you; after you changed their daughter's life! By making her a mother long before she is mature enough to be one! She has the right to consider raising her son alone; since you did abandon them in the beginning, and turned to a life of crime.
It's on you, my friend. You have to see things from a man's standpoint, not as a boy! Once you became a father, you had to fast-forwarded your life to manhood. Let her go, just do the right thing; and work things out to help raise your son. When you're not holding all the cards, or you've got a blot on your background; you learn how to compromise, work hard, and your goal is to earn respect. Try to achieve some level of success to show your kid what a good and solid man his dad is!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (29 December 2019):
 She can't MAKE that choice as to who raises her child. As a father you DO have parental rights.
It might mean you would have to go though the courts to set up visitation right and a custody agreement. If you are "on the road" a lot it's going to be mainly HER having the custody and you having visitations. SET it up so it's LEGAL. That way she can't tell you that you can't see the kid, whenever she is mad at you. And also SET up a payment of child support on a regular basis, your CHILD needs that. I'd suggest you give it to her mom/dad and they can buy what the baby needs, since they are probably the ones paying for everything anyways. It will HELP them HELP your son.
You might want to slow your roll with the ladies, you do NOT need to knock up any more girls right now.
Any woman you are dating doesn't NEED to spend time with your son. And definitely any woman you are just banging casually. They don't need to be added to the mix. The kids don't need that.
If you at some point develop a HEALTHY mature strong relationship then introducing your GF to your ex and the kid can happen but I'd say that is down the line. What the kid needs in not an ENDLESS processions of Daddy's GFs or Mommy's BFs.
You are still young. So for now focus on getting a steady job, and see your son when you can. Then next step is finding a place to live where you son can also visit you and be safe.
You and your ex-gf had a kid before you were mature enough for what comes WITH parenting. I think you know that.
You might NEVER get back together. And that is reality. You will however, MORE THAN LIKELY, find someone who IS a good fit for you and who WANTS to be with you long term. You are still so VERY young.
BE the best YOU, you can be. Work to become a GOOD and SOUND role model for your son. A CHILD needs that more than name brand clothes. If your ex is still living with her parents, SHOW them that you are working on bettering yourself and that you are willing to DO what it takes to BE a good dad. Buying gifts are nice but a child needs MORE. They need adults in their lives who can guide them, teach them, show them right from wrong, love them and make them feel safe.
And perhaps, MODERATE your snapchats so your EX doesn't HAVE to see shit about whatever chick you are banging. THAT isn't very mature or smart. That is giving her AMMO to hold against you. BE smarter.
Be as REGULAR with your visitation and child support as you can be. Show your ex's GF that you CAN be mature about this and that you WANT to be in your son's life as a POSITIVE influence.
Sometimes, OP relationships don't work out between people who have kids together. But the kids will ALWAYS have had two parents, you can STILL be a parent, even if it isn't full time.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (29 December 2019):
 You are both very young to be parents and your immaturity shows in the way you behave. It's such a shame a baby is caught up in the middle of your childish spats. Both of you seem to use sex with other people as a way of getting back at the other. Such a shame too for the people who are used in this way but I don't suppose you care what damage you do to them.
You walked out not only on your ex but also on your child. There is NEVER an excuse for that. Your fight was not with the child. The child did not ask to be born to an immature dad who drops him and picks him up depending on what his relationship is like with his mother. Calling your ex a slut when you found out she was cheating is understandable (not excusable, but I can get where it came from). HOWEVER, referring to YOUR child as HER'S only is NEVER excusable.
Spending loads of money on branded baby clothes also illustrates your immaturity and lack of understanding of what babies need. This is all about YOU. Your son doesn't give two burps whether he is in branded clothes or hand-me-down value range, as long as he is comfortable, warm and safe. His mother would have probably preferred the money to buy him what she knew he actually needed, like food and diapers. She has been very patient with you considering your immature behaviour. Had you turned up on MY doorstep with a pile of branded baby clothes after not having anything to do with your son for all that time, the next time you saw those clothes would have been on an x-ray.
Of the two of you, your ex sounds by far the most sensible. You have already shown her once that you can dump her and your child and not get in contact for a year. Why would she want to put herself and her child through that again? Trust is earned, my friend. You cannot just expect someone you have let down badly to trust you regardless of your past behaviour. That is insanity. She tried to rebuild your relationship but obviously realized quite quickly that this was difficult, if at all possible. She has a new boyfriend who has not broken her trust. Her bond with him is stronger than with you, regardless of the child for whom you are both responsible.
Why is it your ex's responsibility to pick you up to see your son? You are working, earning good money (according to you). Why don't you learn to drive, buy yourself a car and make your own way to see your son? His mother has enough on her plate, looking after HIM without having to look after YOU as well.
I have to say, based on you post, you sound like a vengeful character. You need to get round this side of your nature if you are to have a proper relationship with your son.
On the plus side, well done for turning our life around and getting a proper job. This will serve you well in the future, not only to support your son but also when you meet someone else and possibly start a family with them. It is not wasted.
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A
female
reader, Ivyblue  +, writes (29 December 2019):
 I think its time to come realise this cant be about you and your ex anymore, in a romantic sense that is. From what you post, really not a good fit for each other however you need to be a good 'parenting' fit this much you have correct. I feel there is a real possibility this young lady will use your son as an emotional weapon against you when she makes statements she will be the only one to raise your child rather than you and potential future partner, which may I just add is not their job to act as the child's mother either, rather just someone who looks out for the safety and welfare whilst in their care type of role. New partners that come in and try take over that role is just a whole lot of trouble. Not that it is any of your exes business, but my advice, if you are seeking relations elsewhere is to keep it private. Anyhoo...for now its all a bit too raw I think to expect too much too soon. You can only apologise so much for your past behaviour so much, whether or not she is willing to move on from that is not within your power to control however you can and must do so by continuing to persevere with doing all you can to be a good dad. Be in contact as well as with her parents, but without focusing you and her, keep it about your child. Even if, hopefully not, she wants to have her pound of flesh, keep it positive, don't engage with the bullshit. You could benefit greatly by trying your best to show her parents a more mature and responsible you. I think it is only fair of them to give you a chance prove you are no longer the old you. It can be bloody tough going to be a parent at any age but with you being a young fella I think they need to realise this and be a little more supportive as well as understanding as far as maturity goes. So how do you go about this? You ask them to do just that and hope for the best. Maybe they will get on board, maybe they wont, or maybe it may just take some time. People don't need to be together to successfully co- parent. There is of course the very real possibility that this may end up in court so I'd be preparing myself for that also. You do have rights as well as obligations. Wishing you well.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (29 December 2019):
 Oops, hit enter before I finished. You need to clearly demonstrate you take your parental duties seriously and intend being in it for the long haul.
Do you have parents who will be able to support you through this?
Its going to be very hard work but it is not impossible for you and your ex girlfriend to co parent.
Good luck.
PS If you do decide not to be involved at this stage don't be surprised if, some years down the track, 5 or 10 or even 20 years, you decide maybe you would like to be involved, don't be surprised if the boy isn't interested, because, right now I am telling you that is a whole different can of worms.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (29 December 2019):
The only good thing in your situation is the fact your ex girlfriend and the baby are still living with her parents, hopefully they are able to add some stability to the child's life.
You are very immature to be a parent. The first time you left you went and lived a criminal life, robbing people and dealing drugs You say it was for your son but I think we both know that's a load of BS.
This time you have acted out by being a "bit of a hoe" and letting everybody know about it. No wonder your ex girlfriend has concerns about your lack of nouse and parenting skills.
Plainly speaking you need to get your 5h*t together. Get a job where you will be earning regular money and set up a payment plan where you send her child support, believe me, cash where the mother can choose whether to spend it on food or child care or cot sheets is much more useful than $400 worth of name brand stuff that will be too small to be of any use in just a few months.
Put a visitation plan in place, always turn up when it is your turn. Never bad mouth the mother or her parents.
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