A
male
age
41-50,
*sddrne
writes:I have a sad and serious problem. I have been married to a fantastic woman whom I love very much for almost 5 years. But our sex life is not satisfying for me. She has a very low sex drive and basically only likes the missionary position and giving me a hand job. I have asked for more, specifically oral sex. I go down on her occasionally, like it a lot and would do it more if she enjoyed it more, which she says she doesn't. Of course I fear that I am not doing it well, but she says it's not me. In any case, I really want to start getting oral sex too. I've asked her several times, but she made non-committal replies (once she said she'd just have to try it once, but it hasn't happened). Discussing the problems I have with our sex life makes her very sad so I can't do it too often. But I really really want a blow job. I know I can't force her and won't (I've been waiting for 5 years so I'm a patient guy) because I respect and love her. What do I do?? Please, please help.
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female
reader, AskEve  +, writes (6 March 2008):
 You need to get to the bottom of WHY your wife feels this way. I feel there is something deeper buried within her psychologically. It could be that she's had a terrible sexual experience in the past or has had some other sexual trauma that's happened to her or that she's seen but there IS a reason why she doesn't want to give herself totally to you. She could have been brought up in a household where sex was not to be talked about or was viewed as something disgusting or taboo. Try to get her to talk about it more and find out what this is. Be sensitive with her, she needs to understand that intimate relations between husband and wife are not taboo but are perfectly natural and should be enjoyed.
If there is an underlying problem then there is no way on this earth that she would want to perform fellatio on you at the moment and you giving her oral might just make her feel dirty. You need to win her over and make her see that being intimate is not dirty but is an intimate expression of your love for one another.
Take time to talk with her about it, ask her what she likes and what she feels uncomfortable with and WHY! Take things one step at a time. Offer to give her a massage with plenty of oil so she gets used to feeling your hands on her. Light some candles and have some soft music playing in the background to take away the feelings of tension and "silence". This form of foreplay will also help her to "heat up" as I'm sure you know women take a while to become aroused, unlike men. Let her know you find her beautiful, give her lots of praise and reassurance but above all be patient with her and find out what really turns her on. Once you have her relaxed and she has your trust that what is happening is in fact "normal" then she will become more receptive but it will take a while. I would put your "blow job" on hold for the time being. Concentrate on HER needs and WHY she feels this way and gradually she should open up more.
Feel free to get in touch if I can be of more assistance.
~Eve~
A
male
reader, wildman  +, writes (28 February 2008):
 I know the feeling well. Does your wife say she's tired or have an excuse a lot of the time? I wish I could find the secret and I don't know why it has to be so damm complicated. Maybe shaving would help and making the penis area look a little more desirable. I am thinking about trying it just in case it works. It can't get any worse at least for me so what the hell.As far as getting my wife excited, she likes it when I suck both nipples together at one time, that is when she is in the mood. She gets off really quick on that.
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A
female
reader, Lucy2118 +, writes (27 February 2008):
 Show her you think she's sexy, start by kissing and cuddling her, then let thing flow slowly and intimately. Some women don't like the thought of oral sex, but you need to find a way to suggest that it's ok or even shwoing her it doesn't matter if she does, try kissing her all over without going in any intimate places, this will show her that oral sex doesn't really matter to you so this may encourage her to give you oral. Also you could talk about your fantasy's, maybe her ideas for the bedroom will blow your head off.
Hope this helps.
X
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A
female
reader, CharmmyKitty +, writes (27 February 2008):
 I wonder if maybe there is some other underlying problems with your wifes overall view on sex?
You didn't provide much detail on the matter, so I'm being presumptuous, but perhaps she's looking at sex the wrong way all together. Some people grow up with the misconseption of it being 'dirty' or 'sinful.'
So maybe you just need to try and get her to open up to you and tell you what the problem might be. Reassure of how attractive she is to you, and don't put any kind of pressure on her. Try not to confront her with it as a 'problem' with your sex life, but instead try to casually discuss what she does and doesnt like about certain sexual activities. There is no way that having a conversation like this should make her feel 'sad!'
Biologically speaking, I find it really hard to believe that any woman would not enjoy oral sex. But if her feelings over it all are so uncomfortable, it can really take away from the experience. As a really insecure girl myself, I can speak from experience and say that it took a while for me to really enjoy oral sex, because I was so preoccupied with self-consciousness.
You should certainly be respectful of her wishes, but I feel like she should be putting in more of an effort too. It's one thing if she really can't stand giving you oral sex, but she hasn't even tried! And that's not fair to you.
If worse comes to worst, you might consider a couples sex therapist. I've heard many success stories.
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A
male
reader, DoubleM +, writes (27 February 2008):
 Oral sex is undoubtedly one of the most intimate sexual experiences a man and woman can share, but not every person is comfortable with it. You say that you perform some oral stimulation on her "occasionally" yet she does not particularly enjoy it, which is a bit unusual. Most women respond very positively, and are very often willing to return the pleasure.
You might consider whether you are performing the activity properly. There is an art to it, but if she responds negatively to most everything you are doing below, she may just be adverse to anything oral. If that is the case, your wife's aversion may be too great to overcome. Some will, and some will not.
If your oral performance on her is in question, you might read my "how to" by entering "cunnilingus' in the search field above, or read an excellent book titled "She Comes First" by Ian Kerner. There is absolutely no reason to think that oral sex is dirty, unnatural or wrong, as long as the partners are clean, but many still believe that way and it is their prerogative.
While I can think of no certain way to change a woman's opinion about oral sex, such activity should be mutual and could, or should, be withdrawn if it is or becomes entirely one-sided. You then must get by with what remains.
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A
female
reader, Devilish Angel +, writes (27 February 2008):
 You should talk to her about it outside of the bedroom over dinner or a romantic date or something. Women feel pressured when a guy asks them to give them head no matter how much the woman loves the man. Its a very...personal and big thing to ask a woman to give head. She might have had bad personal experiences or has misconceptions about give head and sex in general. Maybe she thinks that sex is embarassing? I know that I couldn't enjoy getting oral sex because I was afraid that the guy would think I stank or tasted nasty. It wasn't until I got feedback from the guy that I realized that men really don't mind the taste or smell of a woman's privates and I finally relaxed enough to actually enjoy it.
Women have as much of a sex drive as men do. They have their triggers. Some woman are harder to figure out than others.
Good luck finding your wife's trigger.
XOXO
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A
female
reader, mckenzie09 +, writes (27 February 2008):
hey there, when u have a long term relationship, alot of feeling and emotions may escape your heart, and i understand u need more than just your love to keep this relationship running, i would suggest that u talk it over with your partner and tell her what it is your feeling she is doing wrong....make sure that she understands you.
also what might help is suggesting that u add a little kink into your relationship, and maybe be more romantic with her, take her out for meals and cuddle her for a little more time than u usually do. and try to touch her body gently to get her to feel comfortable with your body.... try sleeping naked next to her or have a bath together....it all takes time if u need more advice messege me!
good luck to you
i hope all goes well for u and ur partner
x
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