A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:How to address this situation. I have been married for 23 years and very happily. We have 2 boys and they are now adults. I received an email from a site that revealed someone looking of my wife of 23 years. It turns out that the person is an ex lover who my wife had both a sexual relationship with and who made by wife pregnant. My wife chose to have an abortion. This was a shock to me as I did not know that this guy ever existed or that my wife had a previous abortion. After carefully planning on how to ask my wife if this was true, I finally asked her in private while we both sat down. Her response was that while this was true, that the guy never ment anything to her and that she was drunk when she had sex with the guy. She also says that the abortion was her choice as she did not love the guy and wanted nothing to do with both him and a baby from him. My question is how to deal with the shock that has caused me to lose the desire to be intimate with my wife? When I share my feelings with her she keeps saying that she never told me because the guy ment nothing to her and that the abortion was something that had to be done. Had I known this before I married her I do not know if I would have married her as I abhor abortion and feel sad that a baby who by now would have been an adult did not live. This makes me both sad and I keep seeing this baby whenever I am with her.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2010): I hope this discussion is still going on -- It appears to have been about 2 years since the last post. But if anyone from this discussion is still around, I would like to relate my story. I have a very similar situation in my marriage. I love my wife very much, but I have found out some information that troubles me. I found out, totally by accident, that my wife had an abortion before we met. The thing that is really distressing to me is that she and I talked about abortion before we were married and she said that she did not believe in abortion, and that she could never go through with something like that. Well, after 3 years of marriage, I accidentally came across some exam papers from Planned Parenthood that showed that she has had an abortion. I have not yet confronted her about this situation. I am not really sure how to do so.
This has nothing to do with jealousy or concern that she has had sexual relationships before me. I have had the same, and I have had situations before when I thought the girl was pregnant. So I am not coming at this with a Holier-than-thou perspective. My problem is that we had a discussion while we were dating about abortion, and she told me that she did not believe in abortion. She knows that I am adamantly against abortion---and, this is the worst part, she told me that she also was against it. But, the fact is that when she told me that, she had already had an abortion.
We now have 2 children together and one thing that troubles me is knowing that my 2 daughters would have another sibling had my wife not killed it. I just want some advice on how to approach my wife with this discussion.
Thanks for any information you can give to me.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2008): Wow, Im in a similar situation. My girlfriend and I have been togethe for a year now and our very much in love (we're both 24) In the year we have been togethr things have been perfect. Last month she was deployed to Afghanistan to serve on the Canadian forces base. I got an e-mail yesterday from her that ws a very sombre one. She informed me that when she was 20 her boyfriend got her pregnant and she aborted the child. I am hurt by what she has done to this child and betrayed that she didn't tell me sooner. We had talked about marriage and kids and now all i think about is this unborn baby. Why did she wait until she was 10,000 miles away to tell me. Now im alone for 3 more months with no one else to talk to about it. Man, I feel your pain
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A
female
reader, arabella  +, writes (24 November 2008):
Grow up. What she did before she met you is none of your business.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAgain, thank you for your suggestions and help. All comments were analyzed and thought through.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for those who have written again.I have realized more than ever before that feelings are real and that they can not be merely swept under the rug and/or ignored. It is insensitive to say that after 23 years that it is being childish to not ignore the reality of the situation. Frankly, I was deceived. No one should ever find out something about ones wife so detailed and complex by opening an email message from the actual father of the baby. Long story short, I am hurt, I am always going to have this cloud over me but I have chosen to forgive and to try to forget as best as I can and to move on. In choosing to forgive, I have based my decision on the fact that in these 23 years, she has been the best wife and mother I could have ever asked for. I choose to move on and trust that with time, my feelings will be healed.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2008): "He is entitled to hurt. But not to the point where he lets them fester and threaten to toss out X years of marriage."
Why does he not have the right to do exactly that? Because her actions wouldn't bother (you) enough to justify that?
This is exactly my point. He DOESN'T owe her anything on this.
It's a man's duty to love & cherish & support the woman that he chooses to marry. But this man has discovered that he was purposely decieved about his wife's actions in her life, and those actions would have been critical in his choice of a wife. So, HE DID NOT REALLY CHOOSE THIS WOMAN AS HIS WIFE IN THE FIRST PLACE. He chose to marry someone that she pretended to be.
In this case, it would be better for everyone involved if the man accepts this. But I do not think he owes her one ounce of acceptance automatically.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 July 2008): Fade878, I get the feeling you still don't get it. You sound like you think it's his duty to close this whole issue up in a neat little box now. Like it's his duty to never feel or say anything else about it again, just like his wife tried to do.
That's not how it works.
You don't get to decide how other people have the right to feel about your own choices. And you don't have the right to tell whatever lies you "need" to tell, in order to make someone marry you against their moral judgement if they knew the whole story.
And if you do all this stuff anyway, and the truth finally comes out decades later, you sure as hell don't get all self-righteous with HIM for not smiling & putting it aside right off. His big "mistake" or "weakness" here is just having natural feelings true to his own morals (which you fell in love with & married him for in the first place).
I agree that he really should do his best to forgive her and eventually move on without a huge chip on his shoulder about the whole thing. But let's keep it straight about who owes what to whom here.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 July 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThe spectrum of answers to my situation was both welcomed and a representation of where we are today as a society.
to whithold something from someone you love is a mistake. to know that your mate is in love with you and yet to not share the experiences of your life is not love. Age, the laws of our nation, and the decision to not be honest have no excuse. to love someone is to be totally honest with what has happened in your life.
No spouse should ever find out in a shocking way what has happened in your past. To love someone is to keep them from the 'hurt' of learning of intimate details from no other person but you.
It is not an issue of immaturity or jealousy. It is an issue of loving someone and feeling that that person was not open and honest with you.
I chose to forgive my wife. I chose to tell her that 23 years is not something to throw away. She has come clean. Not with the intimate details as that is none of my business. Rather, with the experience and the reasons that led to an abortion.
I chose to be honest with her about what this did to me and the hurt it created. Yes, even at 6'6'' and 275 pounds. A longshoremen and a hard worker. Yes, even tough guys have feelings.
Do yourself a favor. Be honest because what is done in the dark will come out in the light sooner or later. Especially today when the web enables past relationships to come out of the dark. Even when they are long forgotten and ment nothing to you.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2008): If an angry and betrayed wife came on here and told a story about finding out that her husband had aborted a baby before they got married, but she has always felt extremely pro-life , and she was having terrible time trying to reconcile this horrible action with the husband that she thought she loved . . . HER HURT FEELINGS WOULD BE UNDERSTOOD AND RESPECTED.
I will repeat it again: SHE WOULD BE UNDERSTOOD AND RESPECTED.
It makes me furious to read these answers calling this man immature and wrong for having an issue with what happened.
This man was lied to for his whole marriage about something that was extremely important to him. Deep into his moral fabric.
He has already said it might have affected his decision to marry her in the first place!
THINK about that!
Stop (judging him for his moral beliefs), and just THINK about the implications of that for a second!
I myself have a pro-choice stance on abortion, by the way. Completely pro-choice. I just also respect this man's right to choose how he lives his own life too.
Our culture wanted his wife to have control over her own life so much, that we allowed her to end the life of what could potentially have been another whole person for it.
So, would it be too much to ask if this guy wants to avoid marrying a wife that has violated some of his most sacred moral positions? Is it too much to ask that he get to have that kind of "control" over his own goddamn life?
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (10 July 2008):
 Thank you for your update. I wish you and your wife a happy future, with many more good memories together. I hope that your love for her will grow stronger and not be diminished by this tragic mistake.
With my best wishes.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 July 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks for your responses.
I realize that 23 years is too much to throw away. I also realize that the past is the past. The abortion is not my problem. It is an issue between her, the father, the baby and God. I will leave it at that.
She is not the young girl who felt she had no other choice as she did not love the father and her pregnancy was the result of a one-time affair hastened by being drunk and manipulated by an older man who should have been arrested for rape.
She has confided in me that she hurts for the child but again had no choice as the father demanded an abortion and she felt that it was the only thing to do at the time...a child having a child, a relationship that was not there and no help or support from her family.
Thanks for all
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A
female
reader, Basschick  +, writes (8 July 2008):
 You are acting like a silly little boy over this issue. Your wife made a choice that goes against your moral grain, but it was done a long time ago and you need to let it go. It's not worth killing your wonderful marriage over. Grow up. It was her choice, not yours and it did not involve you in any way. Put it behind you and stop obsessing over it. It's history. We've all done things we wish we could do over, but we only get one shot. Don't blow yours.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2008): Have you ever been responsible for contraception in your whole life? I would bet that responsibility was in the hands of the ladies in your life. Have you ever had to be pregnant or give birth? Do you give your wife credit for going through this process in order to produce your children? Were you there when they were born? In the room? Did you take one contraction or pain or stretch mark in her place? You should worship the ground she walks on instead of condeming her for a mistake when she was essentially a child.Are there things you did when you were 16 that you are ashamed of, would you want to be judged today for what you did when you were 16? Dig deep.....did you ever get a girl pregnant when you were younger?I hate hearing men passing judgement on women for having an abortion. A 16 year old young lady is in no way ready to be a mother, and why should she have to bear the scars of childbirth the rest of her life? Is there any resentment in you for the boy that got her pregnant and left her to deal with it? There were two people responsible for this, if the young man that abandoned her,(and possibly broke her heart in the process) had stayed to support her things may have turned out differently..but this is always the problem of the females.Having said that, I don't support abortion as a means of contraception or after the first tri-mester.
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A
female
reader, TasteofIndia +, writes (8 July 2008):
 Don't judge her on what she did before you came along. If you're going to judge her, judge her as a wife and companion to you. Has she been good to you? Loyal? Have you had a loving relationship? She made her choice and while you may disagree with it, it made her the woman she is today. Whether or not she shouldn't have had an abortion shouldn't be your concern. She did what she did, and that's over. She may regret it, she may not. Either way, it's time for you to let it go.
You have 23 years of memories, two grown children and a lifetime together. This is an accomplishment and shows her true character as a devoted Mother and Wife.
While yes, her secret was shocking, you should try your best to accept her past - or forget about that one incident all together. Remember YOUR times together and continue to have a happy life together.
xx India
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (7 July 2008):
How old was your wife when she had this abortion? Was she 13, 14 15, 16, 17? I'm asking because your age is listed as 36-40, and you've been married 23 years, so I'm guessing that you were married when you were 17? So if she's in the same age bracket, then she had this happen when she was 15 or 16, at the most.
What were a young girl's options back about 25 years ago? Drop out of school to give birth? Have everyone you know make fun of you because you got pregnant and had to drop out? Have your parents throw you out of the house?
My guess is that she's not exactly proud of this choice, and I have to say that I think she should have told you this about her past. That she didn't tells me something about her AND you.
So back up a couple of steps. THINK about what she was going through over 23 years ago. TRY to have some compassion and empathy for the woman who gave you two grown up sons. Forgiveness and understanding is what is called for here, I think, if you really love her...
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A
female
reader, Tigger3165 +, writes (7 July 2008):
 She was young and confused, i'm sure... she thought she was doing what was best. I think it would be horrible to leave her over something that happened before you two even met. If you feel like you can't deal with it, try counseling. It's hard to believe you had loved her at all if you are willing to just give up on 23 years of marriage that easily.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2008): Does your wife know how much you hate abortion? I think it is her cavalier attitude towards abortion that bothers you the most. Did you know that she had this attitude towards abortion before you married her?
Once you two get on the same page regarding your beliefs, you can work through this. There is post-abortion counseling available for those who desire it; it's just a question of differing values.
If you wish to bring her to your position, obtain all the pro-life resources you can find, and conveniently leave them lying around the house. Be prepared though, because she may opt to do the same with pro-choice literature.
Keep in mind the irony of relationships, is the fact that the one who desires the relationship the least, (that would be you in this case) is the one who has the most control over the relationship. In other words, the person most likely to change would be your spouse.
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A
female
reader, vsnod +, writes (7 July 2008):
 Get over the fact that your wife had a life before you came along. You have been married for 23 years, and because of a mistake she made 23 YEARS AGO!!!(as a teen?) you don't know if you want to be with her? Don't throw away 23 happy years because of this.
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A
male
reader, StudentOfLife  +, writes (7 July 2008):
 I prefer abortion than seeing kids on the streets because their parents can't feed them.
You'll have to accept the fact that not everyone is like you, we all have our believes, our past that may not follow your believes.
You should never marry someone for her past, but for the future that you'll share with her.
Life is ahead, not behind you.
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