A
male
age
30-35,
*heOriginalPol
writes:My sweetheart and I are very much in love. In our eyes we are like no other couple, we have something very special that no one else has, not even in the movies. We've known each other for years, and our chemistry is absolutely perfect. Yesterday was our first anniversary, along with both of our birthdays (exactly 4:28 PM!).The only problem with our relationship is that it's long-distance. We live one state apart, and only get to see each other about once a month. We've been able to manage this fine, and though it's hard we have been doing fine... all until about a month ago.When we see each other usually, we're inseparable and in complete bliss. (we are also sexually active.) But suddenly she stopped wanting to have sex. Period. I mean, our sex life has always been healthy -- before this it was almost twice a day -- but she suddenly just stopped wanting me. I figured it was just a stage she was going through, and that it would get better again, but it's just getting worse. Now she doesn't even like it when I touch her at all. She doesn't enjoy sleeping in the same bed anymore (unless I'm not touching her at all). She doesn't even enjoy our kisses. It's really starting to worry me...And it's not just me that she isn't attracted to -- it's nothing. It's like she suddenly got spayed. She simply has no sexual desire anymore.Normally I would think to just leave her alone for a week or two, but since we're long distance, she has months to herself! I just don't understand why she isn't completely obsessed with me when we see each other, like I am with her.We've talked about it, many times. It's the only thing we've ever really fought about. It's the only problem we've really had with each other. She doesn't know why she feels like this, and she wants to change -- but it's almost like we're not even a couple anymore, it's like we're just friends... except with friends there isn't the pressure.Despite all this, we are still in love, and don't want to part. (We still have our moments.)Now we're spending a week at the beach together. It's our anniversary AND both of our birthdays, and we haven't even made love once. Not even anything close. And now she's starting to get upset with me whenever I bring it up.What the hell is happening to us? Sorry for the long Q.
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anniversary, long distance, period, sex drive, sex life Reply to this Question
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male
reader, TheOriginalPol +, writes (8 July 2008):
TheOriginalPol is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell I did bring it up tonight, as we were taking a long walk down the beach. We had a very intense and deep conversation about it, and about us in general.
It was Long, complicated, and confusing - but we actually decided that it was a result of all those things that all you lovely people have suggested. (Except for you, troysweetie. Sorry. I'm positive she's not cheating on me.) Plus a few more.
I also decided to myself that I would indeed leave her alone for a while. Not only while we're apart, but during this week as well. I won't ignore her directly or spitefully, of course - but just... act more like her friend than her boyfriend. Y'know, not touch her or physically comfort her, or even pay as much attention to her.
It sounds cold, but it seems to be working already. Tonight she was much more affectionate with me. She came and sat down with me and started stroking my neck and all... she even kissed me goodnight! I think it may be just what she needs for a while -- just to take the pressure of having a boyfriend to "deal with" off while she can manage the other aspects of her life (Basschick hit that part dead on), and then it will slowly get better.
There's a lot of other factors that come into play for us though -- we're very young for this, we're going to college, we have very demanding lifestyles... basically life is happening to us.
We're very serious about our relationship (which could be bad since we're so young), and she says I'm the only person she can see herself spending the rest of her life with. I couldn't agree more. But it's a long way until then -- we're going to separate colleges, and we'll only be busier and more stressed. Most likely it will be a long time until we're finally together.
What are we supposed to do until then?
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2008): I think there is more to her changes then what meets the eye;
You sound like two good friends, not two lovers; maybe her feelings changed and she does not know how to tell you;
I don't thiink she is completely honest with you; if she was madly in love and she does not feel like having sex with you, why has she not been to the doctor to find a "cure" for her problem; being it hormonal, or whatever;
no no, I think this lady owes you some explanations, but you might not get the answers;
I suggest you take a break;
tell her you think she needs time to sort herself out;
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A
female
reader, Basschick  +, writes (8 July 2008):
 Her hormones may be doing weird things, couple that with the stress of school, work, money, parents, and a boyfriend and it may be zapping her sex drive. But more than likely she has probably just met someone else and doesn't know how to end your relationship. She probably hates the idea of hurting you because you're a nice guy, you've probably been an ideal boyfriend, but she has outgrown you, or simply fallen out of love/attraction for you. I think you should suggest that the two of you take a break from each other for a few months and see if she makes the first move to start things up again after this break is over. And the rules are, no calling her 20 times a day to say "hello" no showing up on her doorstep to beg her to come back. Just disappear for a couple of months and see if she comes to you. If not, you'll know she found someone else. It'll hurt, but it's going to hurt worse if you delude yourself into thinking it's just a phase. Good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2008): are you sure that there is not another man involved cause hunny, it kinda sounds like that to me. i dont want to be the start of some major argument or anything but you dont just lose all feeling to be even touched by your partner when he is the one you want to be with.seriously, there seems to be a much deeper issue here than just losing her sex drive. if i were you i would demand some answers. your putting all of your love into this woman that you see once a month. what is she doing the rest of the month that you dont know about?
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