A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I am a 39 year old male. My wife of 20 years is 41. My problem is that my wife invites my mother-in-law along on almost every trip or vacation. Sometimes she is unable to go (thank the heavens for that!) but I'd like it if it could just be the two of us more often. Not only do I end up spending a lot more money because mom-in-law doesn't pay her share of the expenses (although she contributes a little) but it also limits what we can do because her mom is 69 years old and overweight. Just a walk from the train station to the hotel means she will need a nap.I am not saying I do not adore my mom-in-law, but I would prefer if she did not tag along so often. This latest trip was to Europe - the first time I have had a whole two weeks off of work to go ANYWHERE in some years and it happened I was able to go to Europe with work and then take time off after. My wife invited mom along, of course. Mom did pay for her own airfare, but that's about all of the expenses she has paid for except whatever little souvenirs or snacks she purchased for herself. Her mom has a substantial pension equal to more than the average working wage by quite a bit, but she mismanages her finances and thus is continually "broke."I talked to my wife about how this costs me money and how I would like time alone with her. My compromise was to have her mom come for the last half of our trip but for us to spend the first half together. My wife agreed with that, but then her mom flew herself out to Europe just 2 days into our trip. She is a very headstrong woman and my wife cannot reason with her.When I talked to my wife about it she said that she doesn't see her mom often (her mom lives a 3 hour plan flight away from us) and wants to create these memories with her before she passes. I guess I can understand that, but sometimes I feel like a third wheel when they are together. Let's just say that the trip (and most of the ones before that) had no romance as a result. I don't know what else to say to voice my displeasure. Am I being unreasonable? It's not like I am wealthy enough to do this all of the time and come back later with just my wife. It is only every few years that I can really get away for an extended period.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 June 2012): That sounds like my mom, mismanaged her finances and always broke, I would let wife and broke mom go on vacation together and I would let wife know why I'm going on vacation alone or tell wife to tell broke a$$ mom to keep her broke old a$$ at home, bottom line!!!!!!!!
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (19 June 2012):
 Why not suggest her mother comes and visits you at your home instead of coming along on your trips? This way, you can escape to work while she's visiting, your wife gets to spend time with her mother and the added expense is minimal.
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A
female
reader, Sweet-thing  +, writes (19 June 2012):
 Here's a thought. The next time you plan to take your wife on a vacation plan the entire thing as a surprise. You may even have to call her boss in secret and arrange for her to have the time off. Buy the airfare, the hotel, the rental car and never say a word until the night before you leave. Then tell her what to pack and do not reveal the destination to her so there's no way her Mom can tag along. My first husband planned all our vacations this way, not so much so I wouldn't invite my mother, but because he loved the element of surprise. It was half the fun of his planning things in secret. I loved it because I didn't have to stress out about all the details, just packed according to the weather he would reveal as the time got closer. It was marvelous for both of us. Hope it works out for you as well.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 June 2012): Its very nice of your wife to invite her mother. Also it's very nice of you to pay for your mother in law. But your mother should understand that she can't do it all the time. Basically she is taking advantage of your good heart, by letting you pay for her. Europe can be very expensive, I travel to Europe all the time, and to feed another grown up person could easy turn into a few hundred dollars. Not mentioning tours, transportation, outing at nights.She should realize that she is having a free ride here, especially of she is financially secure, she shouldn't have any problem with paying for herself.The fact that she is also old and slow. Doesn't she realizes how she is on your way to do what u want. I'm in my 40 s, my daughter who is her mid 20s, is very active when she travels. I don't go with her and her boyfriend as I understand that despite the fact that I'm physically fit, I can't compare myself with strength of a 20 years old. We have different sleeping paterns, as she like to stay late and wake up at 11. I, on another hand, like to be in bed at 11, and wake up at 7. So by the time she wakes up, my day aAllReady started long ago.We visit her twice a year, but we pick a spot where we can combine both generations. Her boyfriend doesn't come with us as he prefers to go to the mountains and do climbing. She does it also, but not us. So we go somewhere more tranquil.Your wife needs to understand this and find other ways to spend time with her mother. It's just be more fair to you.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (18 June 2012):
 Maybe next time plan the vacation and don't tell your wife, spring it on her? Maybe that way your MIL won't butt in?
Or ask you MIL where you should take your wife for a romantic get-away. Maybe THAT will make her realize that she needs to give you two a some time alone for holidays.
I'm ALL for having family visit. Spending time with family, but YOU are by far more understanding then I am.
I'm guessing your MIL doesn't have other children? Or friends she can vacation with? Maybe you and your wife can look into some senior cruise for the MIL? Get her out and meet people her own age too.
Also you need to sit your wife down and tell her how you feel. Because I think you are right and you are very forgiving when it comes to her mother. There has to be some kind of privacy on vacation every now and then.
Maybe you can help you wife spend time with her mom OUTSIDE of vacation time? Like a long week-end or something, so she won't feel like she HAS to bring Mom EVERY time.
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A
male
reader, Discovery +, writes (18 June 2012):
After reading this, just wanted to say you sound like a great man in a great relationship. Awesome for you. Hope you can work out this mother-in-law inconvenience.
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female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (18 June 2012):
 Tell your wife you understand she wants to create some lovely memories of her mother because you would like to create some lovely memories of travelling to special places as a couple.
The suggestion by others that you book a few romantic weekends away at couples type places makes sense, but I also think you need to take the bull by the horns and (please discuss it with the wife first) tell your mother in law you cant afford to pay for everything when the three of you travel as a group.
Ask her how she would prefer this to be resolved, you could have a travelling fund where everybody puts in the same amount of money and all meals, accomodation, taxis, entrance fees etc come out of this, or you could all keep a tally of who spends what and reimburse each other at the end of each day (thats a messy way to do it) or she could pick up the tab every third day for meals and other expenses.
If she has as good an income as yours its only fair she uses some of it to pay her way instead of letting you pay her way all the time
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 June 2012): If you can only afford to go away on a decent vacation every few years, I'd make plans to go with just your wife, and let your wife plan separate vacations with her mom, even if they end up wanting to go to the same place(s) you take your wife.
A distant trip is a rare occurance for most, so you want to make sure everyone who is on it is enjoying it.
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A
female
reader, BondGirl72 +, writes (18 June 2012):
 Sounds like you are a very considerate and respectful husband even with the circumstances you have to deal with. I would talk with her and tell her you would enjoy just spending vacation time with her. If she wants a vacation with her mom, she could go see her mom for a week ...aside of taking vacation with you. There is a friend of mine whose wife does the same thing...she plans every vacation with her parents and the husband just goes along with it. I guess I think when you get married, your spouse and any children you have should come first.
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female
reader, Pretty and proud +, writes (18 June 2012):
 Book the next holiday yourself. Make it a couples romantic week or weekend so you can show her how amazing it is just you and her. Make it something she cannot invite her mother to. Such as a spa or something along those lines.
Good luck pet x
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A
female
reader, Sammia +, writes (18 June 2012):
You are not being unreasonable and I can see your wife's point of view also. Maybe you should suggest that your wife and her mother should spend the odd weekend together no vacation necessary to give them time together to create memories. Plan a surprise break for you and your wife, tell her a few weeks before its a romantic holiday so she will know you don't want anyone with you. Your mother in law should respect this. Failing that speak to both your wife and her mother, they might get hurt or upset by this but if you don't do anything you will grow to recent both your wife and her mother. Sometimes it's best to be open. I hope I have been of some help. Good luck.
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