A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My wife has not wanted sex for over 2 years.Should i consider a prostitute.I do not want an affair.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2011): There's a lot of "find out whys" here. OK ask. The reason will be she's tired, she doesn't feel like it, she doesn't care. Go on some therapist feel-good journey - but that will only work because two people wanted it too. And if two people want it to work, it almost certainly will. Ask her about a prostitute & guaranteed she'll be upset. Same thing as divorce. Both are unlikely to ditch a life partner, home, emotional and social ties over sex. The answer: you're screwed - just not the same way as before.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2011): "If she no longer wants to have sex with you then you are within your rights to have sex outside the marriage. You no longer have a moral obligation to remain faithful to her"
I disagree. You are not within your rights to have sex outside marriage. Not unless you ask your wife first and she agrees to it (I assume this last part is not what the anon poster who wrote the above had in mind when he wrote the above)
You are, however, within your right to divorce her and then you can have sex with whomever you want.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2011): Counseling, get to the bottom of the issues with the marriage, and if you can't improve things you have few options.
Stay in marriage without sex.
Divorce.
Sex outside of marriage (affair/prostitutes).
Don't do the third option, it is demeaning to yourself as well as others.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2011): Let me present a hypothetical situation to you.
You are dating a woman who is crazy about you... and who you are crazy about.
Everything seems wonderful... going along as usual... and then you sleep with her.
She turns around and tells you to never come around for that again with her...
What would you think?
Would you think she had no sex drive?
Or, that whatever took place was something she wanted to avoid ever having to do again.
If it is the latter of the two... perhaps you need to look at what's been going on.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2011): Adultery and prostitution are not marital aids.If your wife has found your sexual encounters to be something she wants to avoid at all costs, please consider that there are very powerful emotions whirling around inside of her. Things that drive her to say that she does not want you inside of her, touching her, and being physical with her. It is easy to turn this into a black and white situation. On one hand... as one of the agony aunts have stated... if she isn't putting out you have a right to go outside of the marriage. I don't know what rule book this is coming from... however I don't know of any spiritual, religious, legal or moral authority who condones adultery because of a marital problem.This isn't her problem... this is a problem of your marriage...your relationship. Something has happened in your relationship to her and with her that has created these feelings. If you care about yourself and if you care about her... you wouldn't want your beloved wife to feel this way. Doing the right thing isn't about our desires, it is about what is in our hearts. What does your heart demand of you? To walk away from the broken woman who is your wife and have sex with other women? Or; is it to reach out to her with humility and love and bring her back to you?We can point fingers and make it her shortcoming. However, I seriously doubt whether it is about not liking sex... I would bet that it is about resentment and hurt.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2011): If she no longer wants to have sex with you then you are within your rights to have sex outside the marriage. You no longer have a moral obligation to remain faithful to her.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2011): only if your wife gives you permission.
otherwise, either consider divorce or just learn to live without. It's very possible - unlike food or water, not having sex will not kill you.
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A
male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (3 January 2011):
 You haven't given us much to go on. Is your relationship otherwise good? Has she been made aware of your distress, and has she given a valid reason for cutting you off? If the answer to those questions is yes, then you might consider raising the idea of a prostitute with her. Don't do anything behind her back.
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A
male
reader, GodJudgesAll  +, writes (2 January 2011):
I'd say talk to her and see if there is anything wrong. usually it could be because you're not warming her up. Maybe she just want's you to make the move first, be romantic. Worse comes to worse, she maybe stopped loving you or she is having an affair herself.
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A
female
reader, Fabulosa +, writes (2 January 2011):
 If it comes to that divorce should is a better option.... why doesn't she want it? Are you doing everything you should be as a man? Has there been infadelity? Has she gained weight? Had a baby? Do you guys spend time together?... what does she complain about?
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (2 January 2011):
 If it is a health issue then I am sure you will support her. To help her regain some of her former participation in this important aspect of a loving relationship.If your wife has been upset over a unresolved personal issue, between you and your wife, that has turned her off sex then perhaps discuss it?
But if it is just a lack of romance and a perception or feeling she has, that she is not appreciated then why not woo her back to you? And demonstrate to her what she means to you?
Relax her by telling her that you will not ask for sex, but will instead put her in the driver's seat to decide when, and at what level any intimate interaction will recommence. Try not to build up your expectations too early. She may take a while to thaw.
It may take a considerable time to woo her back. And that wooing should be aimed directly at things she enjoys. That she enjoys with you beside her. That way she comes to associate good times with you.
But do try to be innovative.
1. join a class to learn body massage techiques - and ask your wife if you could practise gently on her?
2. Carefully plan a route to take your wife to a scenic spot. Pack a picnic lunch. Enjoy getting away. Have some soft romantic music on the car radio.
3.give her a break from cooking once a week. Get out a cookbook and try a main and a dessert. Clean up the kitchen perfectly after you've cooked the meal.
4. Get rid of some of your excess energy by joining a gym, or a yoga class.
Good luck and have patience.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (2 January 2011):
I think you need to talk to your wife seriously about it, as the post at the bottom says. Don't consider an affair or a prostitute - you'll wind up feeling guilty or you'll wind up catching something. You need to seriously speak to your wife.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (2 January 2011):
 No, you should consider asking your wife what she thinks.
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A
female
reader, Mjfbla +, writes (2 January 2011):
 Sit your wife down and find out why she doesnt want to have sex. Ask her what she would like you to do because you want to have sex and she doesnt. Have her give you an answer to that. Then you've got your answer. But ask her whats going on first.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2011): Why does it always have to be the man that has to comply, beg, entreat or whatever in these situations?
The woman isn't doing what she signed up to do and is in breach of contract.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2011): Don't sleep with anyone else. Whatever you do, don't cheat because you may find your becoming fixated on this goal of sex which is clouding your perceptions and after you've had sex again you will realise that cheating was the wrong thing.
Have you talked to your wife about this??
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