A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:So heres the deal. My wife and I got pregnant on our honeymoon. Wasn't planned but it happened. We just had our little girl and she is one month old. She is beautiful. My wife was shocked at first when she found out she was pregnant, but came around to the idea and was generally happy.She had a rough pregnancy, mostly with nausea. It was really bad. She had it the entire pregnancy. Before we got married I always told her I wanted at least 3 kids. She said she would prefer 2 but would be ok with 3. After it was all said and done, now she has told me on 3 occasions she never wants to get pregnant again. Our little girl is one month old. She is gorgeous and we both love her so much. My wife really wanted a little girl. And just today, we were talking about it, and she said she never wants to get pregnant. That she would be happy with just our daughter.I really want a son though. At the very least try one more time. Not now, a couple of years down the road but I am starting to think she is really serious about not having another child and it scares me. Because I know I want another one. I don't know if it's the sleepless nights, or just the hard time of having a newborn, but she seems genuinely serious. I haven't made a big issue of it because the one time I did it led to a huge fight. And someone told me to just drop it until she gets older. That my wife will come around on her own. Or would be more willing to entertain the idea, once the hard part is over. (sleepless nights, etc...)But what if she doesnt? This could be a huge issue in our marriage. And I never thought it would be because before we got married she seemed so sure she wanted at least two kids. But after going through it she seems to have changed her mind.I understand it's hard, and I am extremely supportive and help with the baby,...she tells me herself how helpful I am. But even with that she seems set on not getting pregnant again.Will she change her mind again down the road? Or is she really set on not having another child? If so, how should I proceed? Should I drop the issue in the hopes she comes around? Or should I talk about it now? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (17 January 2011):
I just re-read your post and I see now that you stated that before you got married you had told her you wanted at least 3 kids and she had agreed to at least 2.
So apparently, having more than one child WAS part of the pre-condition for this marriage.
if that's the case, then I think you have your deal breaker right now. She has already stated that she doesn't want more kids. You can hold out for a few more years hoping she'll change her mind, but she may not. You could then be faced with the same dilemma in a few years' time as right now, either way.
You could, of course, reconsider your original requirement for this marriage to have at least 3 kids. I sincerely hope you will do that, because I think this would show a lot of compassion toward your wife by putting her physical well being above your desires. People change as life changes them, and a good marriage means supporting each other through life's unexpected twists and growing stronger as a couple rather than growing apart.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2011): You are being selfish. Your wife is the one who has to bear the burden of pregnancy and childbirth therefore the vote to have children shouldnt' be 50/50 it should be 51/49 with her having more say.
But you're not even treating it like 50/50 you're pestering and insisting like it's all about what you want.
It's her body and her health that can be really damaged from pregnancy and labor. If she has a career that she's invested in, she has to interrupt her career for pregnancy while you don't.
You have no right to want her to undergo something traumatic and potentially health- or life- threatening, when she herself is unwilling, but just because it's what YOU want, let alone to say that her unwillingness "could be a huge issue in our marriage".. no, in my opinion it's YOUR ATTITUDE that could be the huge issue in your marriage, not hers.
If it's JUST the fear of going through pregnancy again that's making her not want another child, then what about adoption? Why don't you consider that.
but if she just doesn't want another child, pregnancy or not, then you should honor her wishes since you already got one child it's not like you didn't get ANYTHING.
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A
female
reader, comeonjesusthishurtstoomuch +, writes (16 January 2011):
 Honey don't read anything into this it comes after every pregnancy. I have never ever met someone who said wow lets do that again. She's just in shock still it will pass and you'll get the kids you dream of. Take it from me i was the never again type and i have five. It's just so frightening don't stress on it now is not time yet anyway you want your baby girl to get the knee time and not get bumped to the side. A good age difference is 2 years apart so give it a year without saying anything. One night before you make love look deeply in her eyes and say i would love to have a son with eyes as beautiful as yours and kiss her passionately. The shock will be over by this time and she will be ready to give a real answer, not one based on fear. Enjoy your baby girl for now and don't push her aside with dreams of a boy it will happen soon enough don't worry.
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A
male
reader, Odds +, writes (16 January 2011):
 Give it time. The pregnancy is still fresh in her mind.
There's nothing wrong with wanting another kid. There's also nothing wrong with treating your wife like an adult who can discuss the issue without being "pressured" into making decisions she doesn't really want to. And don't feel guilty about how rough the pregnancy was, or can be, or let anyone tell you you have it easy. You get to have your own thoughts and feelings without being guilty about them, same as any other person.
Still, in the end each child must be a mutual decision by the parents. Both of you have veto power (in theory at least; her veto power is backed by birth control, yours by morality). You should prepare yourself to settle for one child.
Wait a year or two, then bring it up again. Talking about it now will only get her further invested in the position of avoiding pregnancy. Wait a while for your daughter to get a bit older, and for her to feel nostalgic for a baby.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2011): I'm not exactly in the same place of life as you are, so I apologize for my inexperience. Me and my boyfriend have talked about marriage and kids several times. I told him, I may not want kids at all, while coming around to maybe 1 was a big deal to me. I know, like you, that he wants to have a baby boy someday, and I've asked him if the one we have is a girl, he'll be okay with that. Now I know later down the road he may not be okay with that, and I may try for a 2nd just to give him everything he wants in life. But It would be considerably harder on my part if he was pushing the issue. Give her time to heal, and grow with the baby, and see that it's not changing diapers and waking up at all hours in the morning, everyday. It's just a few years. Enjoy them!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2011): You did not go through this pregnancy! sadly some women have very bad pregnancys and it sounds to me your wife had one. I have no idea why you are worrying about havign another child now! seriously give it another two years and I bet you she will have changed her mind. Leave the subject alone now or she will never have another child cause you set it in her mind.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (16 January 2011):
 No- drop the issue right now . Do not insist.
Very probably, she'll come around...in time.
I doubt you really realize how hard a bad pregnancy can be. I had hyperemesia ( 24 hours a day nausea ) only for the first 3 or 4 months of my pregnancy and it still was sheer torture. Then the nausea went away, and many other little problems cropped up. Then I had a beautiful baby- but a colicky one who kept me awake for what seemed ages.
I too had always wanted 2 children, but right after the first one I said : never again ! It took me three years to start reconciling with the idea of a 2nd child ( that then I did not seek ,though ,for a series of other reasons ).
Give her time. With most women it's like this- the last thing they want is thinking about future babies one month after having had one ! but eventually they come around.
But what if she is the exception who does not, you ask.
If she does not...I'd say : tough luck, pal. Did you marry her because you loved her and wanted to spend all your life with her, or because you needed a reproductive apparatus to give you a male heir ?... What if it had come out she was infertile and could not conceive at all ?, would you be asking for a divorce now ??
Yes, she said she wanted 3 children- before testing the limits of her body and mind. She knows what she can handle and she can't, and if you love her you won't push her beyond her limits for the sake of making a baby boy .
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (16 January 2011):
Please, please listen to your wife. She is desperately telling you that she doesn't want another child at this time, and maybe not in the future. And she has very good reason.
I'm a man, like you, so together we know precisely bugger all about pregnancy. And I really mean nothing. Men do the little bit of work at the beginning, then the women gets it for 9 months. Everything from sickness, to hormonal changes, to body changes etc. We get to sit there twiddling our thumbs at best.
You were not the one going through the rough pregnancy. You did not go through what she did. My own mother almost died giving birth to me, that's how serious pregnancy is.
A bad pregnancy can make a huge different to whether a woman wants another child. My mother did, she had both my brother and sister. But her friend did not, and the reason they are friends was because they both had such tough pregnancies.
Thing is, it's not your life on the block if the pregnancy goes wrong. It's your wife's, and it's her body. You need to respect that. All right, at the time she said she wanted 2/3. But now she's been through a really bad pregnancy, she's changed her mind. Please listen to what she is saying to you.
You also have to remember that your child is still young - she's probably bloody tired all the time. The last thing she wants is to have another horrific pregnancy with a young child to look after to. That would be even worse. One young child needing attention, and a rough pregnancy too.
Right now, focus on your wife and young daughter and place this idea of having another child on the back burner. That isn't an issue right now. The issue is that your wife needs support because she had a rough pregnancy.
Maybe in the future, she will change her mind. Maybe she won't. If she doesn't, then come back and ask for advice again when the time comes. You'll need to decide whether it's worth throwing a marriage away because you want a son or whatever.
Also, a man I know wanted a son. He now has 6 daughters by 3 women. So there's no guarantee of a son.
In my opinion, you've got something special right now in your life. You've got a wife who had a bad pregnancy who has thankfully come through, and you have a beautiful daughter who can you spoil rotten (in a good way). Don't push your luck too much, or you might lose your wife and daughter, and still wind up without a son.
Put your wife and daughter first for now. Worry about other things later.
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