A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Dear aunts. Hope you can help me out. I've posted before and found it very useful so here goes. I am in my early thirties and my entire love life has been a series of disasters. My first love died in a car crash, the next one I fell in love with at uni was blackmailed by his father into leaving me because I was not a Christian, following was the compromise relationship with a man I was not in love with but loved as a friend, he was supposed to be very much in love with me and after it inevitably ended we remained good friends and I was there during some very bad times for him.In return, later on when I was going through the trauma of a rape and a bad break up he got a new girlfriend and dropped me as a friend very unceremoniously indeed. The love of my life and I were never given a chance. I was raped and it all fell apart spectacularly. He tried but couldn't deal with that. Couldn't deal with me. Last boyfriend cheated and lied and when I fell in love again this summer my lover's best friend got in the way, as it turned out not because he loved me as he got me believing but he saw me more as a trophy to trump his friend. To make it worse the guy in question used to be a very close friend of mine for almost two years who knew all about my past yet he had no problem pursuing me and messing things up and making me have feelings that were just the product of manipulation while all he wanted was to sleep with me casually as he said(he didn't get so far)I recently found out about everything that went on behind my back but it is too late. Now my life is awfully uncomfortable as I see him all the time and it affects my social life as we share many common friends and I didn't do anything to deserve this. I can't forget about his betrayal if he is in my face all the time. I get a lot of attention from men but have to wonder why it never seems to work out. I feel like I have lived everything half and at this point have no faith that eventually it will happen. It has ended up in disaster every single time and I am very tired of suffering. I am a very confident person, I never acted or was desperate I am well loved by wonderful friends but see everyone around me taking for granted what I feel I had wanted all my life but never had. A secure loving relationship.I must admit I am a bit jealous. I want to know what it's like. What it feels like. I want the butterflies but sometimes I think maybe I am asking for too much. I am very good looking (I don't want to sound full of myself just give an honest overview) but sometimes I think it makes people see me as a sex object even though I do nothing to reinforce this. After the rape I did my best to hide/destroy my looks because subconsciously I thought this is what made my attacker choose me. Seriously, how do I trust again? Is there hope or is it that love just may not be for everyone sadly? I want to hope but I can't be crushed again (even though I said that so many times in the past) They all appeared decent at first but nobody has gone the distance for me even a little. At the moment everyhwere I go I am confronted by my latest fiasco and it is affecting me very much to the point of prompting this long rantSo thank you if you have read this far. I would appreciate any inputPS I am not a negative person normally but some times it is hard to ignore the past.
View related questions:
best friend, christian, crush, fell in love, jealous Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your answer angel.
I guess on hindsight things are a lot clearer than when you are actually living the situation. Where one meets the people may be a valid point actually but not the decisive factor I think. The case with my latest boyfriend and his friend is kind of how you perceived it. He used manipulation and lies to steal me from his friend but I never slept with him. He contributed greatly to me and the guy breaking up though he wasn't the sole factor. Later he claimed all he wanted was casual sex with me so all the drama was for nothing at all. And he is everywhere I go so it makes me extremely uncomfortable. Anyway, just wanted to clarify that. Thanks for your offer to message you.I will take you up on it, keep each other posted.
Once again thanks for your answer.
PS I did get adequate counseling. I was a mess back then
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionNot once did I say I sleep with men casually. I said that this is the intention of a lot of people I meet but not that I accomodate it.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2011): you can maybe chalk up the first couple of disasters to bad luck but then after that...you need to start looking at your relationship and dating patterns. Seems you take the victim role rather than examine the choices you make in men. For instance, you want love but you sleep with men casually and wonder why they cheat. You seem to set yourself up NOT to have good relationships!
...............................
A
female
reader, angelDlite +, writes (16 January 2011):
 hi
first of all, i want to say i am sorry that you have lost your first love in tragic circumstances :( .
regarding your 2nd boyfriend, you must have gone into the relationship knowing he was a different culture/religion and this situation is always a dodgy one to get into, because of their loyalty to family etc.
the one who you loved as a friend, maybe you stopped yourself from feeling more for him because of the two heartaches you have already had. you then went on to get with someone else, and so did he, as he had every right to, so maybe his girlfriend did not want him being friends with his gorgeous ex? you hadn't wanted him when you had the chance - she did, so you can see why his loyalties were with her can't you?
being raped is an entirely separate issue to you having a disastrous love life and i am so sorry to hear this has happened to you. did you get adequate counselling for this?
so far, what we have is good looking girl + low self esteem because of what has happened = an irresistible combination for certain types of men.
next was a liar and a cheat, honey, everyone has had the misfortune of meeting someone or maybe more than one person like this so try not to 'take it personally' if you know what i mean? 'lying-cheat syndrome' seems to be an epidemic unfortunately!
then we have the best friend of your boyfriend, i understood this to mean, he enticed you away from your boyfriend? is that right? if you allowed that to happen and i bet it made your boyfriend feel worse than you did, but maybe the fact you allowed this to happen was because your low self esteem? 'needing validation' so to speak.
i know where you are coming from as i have had a similar life. i have even posted on here anonymously of course with my problem and been told that 'you are just going to the wrong places' - probably you have been told similar. but in my case i know that that isn't the answer. i don't know what is. private message me if you like? if things improve for you i would like to know your formula, and likewise if things change for me i will keep you informed!
lets not forget, that every time we see a 'happy couple' we do not truly know what goes on behind closed doors. you only have to read the posts on this site as proof of that
xx
...............................
|
