A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Please I need help (tears). I'm shaking and crying writing this letter. Reader....Please take time to read this if you can. I have been married for 16 years. My wife is very controlling and is very jealous of me. A few years ago I was into modeling. I am a writer and I build videos as a hobby. This makes her 10 times more jealous because she cannot keep a friend because of her personality and she has always been that way. She always wants to know my thoughts and has even put my cell phone under a call log monitor. I feel totally controlled by her. I have never tried smoking or drinking and I have always tried to keep myself pure as a Christian man. And believe me I've had offers from ladies. In Jan. 2000 she had an affair behind my back with a guy that was 20 years old at the time and she left me. Needless to say he lost his virginity to her. This happened back when I was 24 and I am now 34 years old and my wife is now 35 (same woman we're talking about in 2000). When this happened I went to church in Jan. 2000 and I ran to God with everything I had. She felt bad for what she did (so she said) and came back home to me 2 weeks after she left. In Feb. 2000 I went to AZ. to a Christian conference because I wanted to get closer to God and clear my thoughts. While I was gone to AZ. she slept with the guy 2 more times while she was suppose to be at church. She wanted to leave again and I begged her back because I was scared to be alone. In May 2000 she came up pregnant. Now it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out what was going on in my mind. So the joys of a first born child was stolen away from me (tears). I felt so helpless. I forgave her as it is the "right thing to do". But it has eaten at me every single day. Time went on for years and I buried the pain under the rug. I've had good days and bad days. Long story short, in Jan. 2007 I started writing inspirational letters and I sent them to friends and family. I finally found who I was for the first time in my life when writing. Some loved my letters and some hated them. My wife was one that hated them. She fell into a depression that I could not pull her out of. I did everything I knew to help her. I offered to go to counseling, get put on meds. or do anything but it never helped and she did not want to try. She told me that she could just go off down the road and blow her head off and leave me and our son. This made me very insecure. On Aug. 17 2007 my wife left me for the second time. She even put a restraint order against me and told me she doesn't want anything but she expects me to pay her and said it aggressively. I later found out that our best quote unquote "Christian married friends" that we had for years helped her move out of my house when I was at work one day. I was shattered and I quit writing over night because I felt it was all my fault and she can rub it in too without saying a word. My listeners were devastated for me cutting them off like I did. I admit maybe I could have done better but when she left in Aug. 2007 I have never recovered. Needless to say I begged her back again because I didn't want to be alone and my son was dying to be with me and she came back on Sep 21 2007. A few months went by and I then got on MySpace in Jan. 2008. I felt I wasn't getting my needs met from her and I admit I was so mad at her for what she done to me by leaving. She told me it was all my fault and had I not have done writing that things would have been different. She even told me that what I have between my legs is not much to look at. The guilt has been unbearable on me. I met a few nice people on MySpace that met my emotional needs. One lady asked me to be her friend from Ohio. I accepted. She was a devote Christian based on her profile. We talked for a month and I open up a little and told her just a little bit about a my situation at home not all because I wanted to get to know her a little better. She then deleted me off her profile. So I was hurt again by a woman on top of what my wife has done to me. Long story short, later a woman from the Philippines asked me to be her friend on MySpace in may 2008. I accepted. Months go by and we had a good internet relationship and she was my dream come true. She talked about how much she loved God and Jesus and her profile was all about Jesus and so forth. So on Oct. 15 2008 I asked her if she would like to be more than friends. We had internet chat and She said yes. I was so happy. In Dec. 2008 one of the Philippine lady friends messages me and sent me pictures of her hugging on a guy and a picture was taken of them in bed. This picture was taken on Nov. 3 2008 2 weeks after we were "suppose" to be together as a relationship I was beyond devastated by this time after all I've been through with my wife. I even deleted my whole MySpace profile because of it. During that time there was a lady that was helping me through the situation with the Philippine woman. I met her on MySpace as well during the year 2008. We talked she she did help me. In Feb. of this year 2009 we became more than friends. We talked everyday and have shared very intimate conversations on the phone if you know what I mean. I knew after talking that she was the one for me and she felt the same way towards me. I was terrified to tell her about my situation with my wife at home in total fear of being rejected but I did tell her and she accepted it. I was so relieved. So this lady flew to see me from GA. to Texas where I am and we met for the first time in July 2009. This was the first time her or I have ever been sexually or even kissed anyone else other than her ex or my wife. This woman is 32. Things have been great and I know this woman is the love of my life and she says the same thing about me too. She moved into her mom's house to help get out of debt and her bills. She said in Feb. 2010 she will be out of debt and then she will be able to help me so I don't ruin my credit while going through my divorce because my credit is excellent. I am still with my wife and I don't want to rock the boat with my wife until I know things are in order with things with the woman form GA. I don't want to rush into things and I want to do things the right way and have a good foundation in our relationship more than anything. 2 Months ago I met a man that is a retired stunt man in Hollywood. I googled him to make sure he was for real. He is! He knows Denzel Washington, Louis Gossit Jr. Lee Majors, Tom Sellick and Bill Cosby and many others. So we talked about movies and videos. I sent him a few of my videos and he said he would like to get with me because he was very impressed. I talked to him and he wants me to work with him. But my wife said that she utterly despises my videos and she has no desire to help me with my videos or go to church with me ever again. And I don't want my son to be raised by her under these conditions.At the present time right now I have been going to physiologist for counseling because I don't want to carry my issues into my next relationship. My wife has been on me because I don't wear my wedding ring. I haven't wore my wedding ring in many years. My wife is the kind of woman that fights without saying a word and if you don't do what she wants it is hell to pay. So to keep peace I put my wedding ring on a few days ago for the first time in forever. Here is where I am so hurt. On Dec. 3 2009 I sent a short video clip to my lady friend in GA. I forgot that my wedding ring was on my finger. She saw the video and things have taken a nose dive (tears). I have always wanted my videos to be good and uplifting to people and I feel it's all my fault. She said that she knew that I was married but it has brought it into more reality. I told her I feel like I have failed her. She said for me not to feel that way. She said she is mad at herself because she told me how she felt about me and then later I told her about my wife. She still called me today and she said that if she didn't want to see me that she just would stop calling and I would know why. I told her that I put the ring on just to keep peace with my wife because she can destroy me in a court of law because a man is the sorriest S.O.B. that has walked the face of the planet in the courts' eyes, but I can understand her point. I'm so hurt and I try to understand her feelings too on how she feels. I'm just scared to be alone and not have anyone (tears). My lady friend in Ga. said that every time she tried to tell me how she feels that I try to cut her off and I'm ready to get off the phone with her. I guess I'm doing that because I'm so scared of getting rejected again and her to tell me, "I cant do this anymore, lets stop talking" because that's what happened in the past. I asked her All my life I have been rejected by ladies and have been verbally abused by them. I know that it takes a lot of understanding in a relationship and to be able to love a woman and tell her how wonderful and special she is. Sex is only a by product of the love an intimacy shared. People would come to me when I was writing my letters and ask my advice about their lives. Now I'm the one that feels totally helpless (tears). Is their anyway that I can make my lady friend feel loved by me like before? If there is how should I go about telling her how I feel? Should I not call her and give her space or what should I do? I've never been like this before. thanksxxxxxxx
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affair, at work, christian, debt, divorce, her ex, insecure, jealous, moved in, myspace, no desire, wedding Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2009): too much of drama in your life.
cut all the crap and do the right thing. sign the divorce papaers and get rid of the wife. then take some time alnoe, NO GF, and try to find yourself. you cannot love someone else if you don't love yourself first.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2009): You are getting your own sense of self and confidence through relationships with other people - the main problem has been that your wife has stolen every bit of self respect you have by her abusive behaviour. However I don't wish to be harsh but you have allowed her to undermine you. Now it is time to get a grip and take stock. You talk about religion a great deal but I don't think you are in touch with your real honourable self - your soul. Nobody would tolerate your situation with your wife there is simply too much damage.If you can leave your wife, give yourself space and time to heal as a decent man in your own right then you can assess how your relationship with this other woman will go. You have proved that you are capable of loving again, and that other loving people around the world do exist. This should give you the courage you need to break free from a terrible cycle you have got yourself into - going from one abusive, negative and painful situation to the next. I feel you are like an animal that has been tethered inside a dark place for years and that now the gate is open and your feet are untied you still stay there rooted to the spot because of the fear of the unknown. I hope you come to realise and that I don't speak out of turn by saying, that your parents would have wished you to be happy and that you owe it to them and more importantly yourself to make that happen at the earliest opportunity. Take a brave step and get some sense of self worth and control back into your life. Living on your own would be the best and purest way forward. Start believing in your own value.
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A
female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (5 December 2009):
 You don't want your wife, but you went out and got a girlfriend. You didn't love your girlfriend enough to leave your wife and be with her. You don't wear your wedding ring because you don't want to. And you say that women are abusive and unkind to you? mmmmmmm.... Seems to me like you use women, keep them hanging on without promising much. Don't understand why your wife would hate your writing so much that she wants to leave you, that's just strange. What did you say in your writing, and why did it make her so angry?Yep, you hate to be alone.. but that's not enough reason to stay with a woman and make her unhappy, and not a good enough reason to ask a single woman to wait for you whilst you make up your mind about what you should do.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (5 December 2009):
 She wanted to leave again and I begged her back because I was scared to be alone.
Needless to say I begged her back again because I didn't want to be alone
I'm just scared to be alone and not have anyone (tears).
"I'm scared to be alone."
That's the statement that I think is the crux of things. You are so scared of being alone that you make all kinds of bad choices.
What does being alone mean to you? What's so scary about it?
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A
male
reader, Fazio +, writes (5 December 2009):
You've painted a picture of a major league bitch who's cheated on you repeatedly. Life's too short my man. Move on. It's really that simple.
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A
male
reader, duce00 +, writes (5 December 2009):
 Pray for less drama.
Ditch the ex.
Keep it simple dude!
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (5 December 2009):
 I agree with 1605 in that I didnt read the whole post, just the title. So here goes:
If you care about your girlfriend, get your divorce and commit to the girl.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2009): Either divorce your wife, or end it with your current girlfriend PLAIN AND SIMPLE. I can't say that I "feel" sorry for you because, you are a grown man who knownly kept going back to a woman whom you know without a shadow of a doubt is mentally and emotionally unstable, she is a cheater, she is jealous as all outdoors, and she is controlling. If you were that fed up with your wife, you would have left her a long time ago and you would have begged her to come back to you AFTER she cheated on you the third or fourth time. Lets face it, you too are emotionally unstable, you don't want to be alone, thus you cling on to your wife for dear life---when you are not with your wife, you seem to latch on to other women as a way of escape. You don't seem to have high self worth or high self esteem, nor do you seem to have a high level of respect for yourself. Both of you (meaning your wife) have alot of emotionally baggage and neither of you are relationship material---frankly put, you don't need to be in a relationship with anyone right now. You both need therapy ASAP. Your wife couldn't treat you with the level of disrespect she has towards you if you didn't allow it, but you are clinging on to her for the wrong reasons, and you refuse to get out of it. LEAVE THAT OTHER WOMAN YOU ARE DATING ALONE!!! Don't mess up her life by bringing all your drama and emotionally baggage into her life. I simply don't understand how you can get out of one relationship and start another one not long after that. Since you obviously love your wife (which is why you won't divorce her) sooner or later this current women is going to become a rebound for you and you will end up breaking her heart. If you are that scared of being "rejected" then GET OFF THE DATING SCENE AND GO SEE A THERAPIST. I don't understand why people do that? You know you have issues, you know you have emotionally baggage, you know you are scared of being hurt, yet you will go out looking for love, or looking for someone to date and then when you finally find an individual who seems to have it together, who seems to have a true and trustworth affection and feelings towards you, you treat that person like pure crap. You don't need to be with anyone right but a therapist. GET HELP ASAP. I don't think even God would be happy with how you are carrying on. Man up, get a backbone and do what you know is right.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2009): why are you so afraid of your wife?? What supernatural thing can she do to you if you stand up to her? I know there are 2 sides to every story and you have also messed up, but you need to say enough is enough and finally be a man. Remove that ring and if she asks why tell her how you feel. If she's angry, so what? If she locks you out, great! You two have a dysfunctional relationship that is interdependent. You have been together for so long that you are afraid what would happen if you were apart permanently. Ofcourse it will be painful; ofcourse you will miss her (strangely enough), but if you make a decision and stick to it for 3 months then you can survive it. As for your new girl, the biggest mistake is to give her any space. You need to keep in touch with her or else she will think you dont care about her feelings. Focus on your career and dont be bullied. Actually, the most powerful thing is to say "F off!" that alone is worth the look on her face when she realises the spell over you is broken. If you decide to repair things with her, then y'all need your church pastor to counsel you. But even then, you still need to take control. Good luck
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A
female
reader, flagurl +, writes (4 December 2009):
Ditto, CaringGuy!! If you don't deal with your situation with your wife first, then you can't move on with your life.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (4 December 2009):
My friend, the whole issue you have is your wife. Everything that has happened to you that has hurt you comes down to your wife. She cheated several times, left you twice and is still controlling you now. There is no way you can have another relationship until you have sorted your wife out. Step away from all other relationships at this moment in time, and focus on sorting your wife out. It sounds like you've been hurt so much that you keep falling for the first woman who shows you any affection, even if she isn't all that great. Do not bring another woman into your life until you have stopped your wife controlling you and hurting you. This means being tough. Divorced, no wearing the wedding ring, no more of her crap. You sounds like a nice guy, but don't waste any more time on a woman who won't even support you with your life dream and videos. She will eat at your soul until you die. Face your wife first, then you can move on.
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