A
male
age
36-40,
*redrickB
writes:Me and my wife are having a hard time she cant get over my past. Now it seems that every time it seems that we are getting better she just goes back to my past. I admit that before i met her i was out of control I'm in the army and this has been the first time i've been away from home. we have been married for over two years now and it seems that no matter how long ago i did the things i did it stills seem to bite back. i tried telling her as much as i could before we got married but its just not enough and she never believes me when i say i dont remember. now it looks like we may be getting a divorce because of my past that seems to not even make any sense to me if my past really doesnt matter any more.
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female
reader, ails17  +, writes (11 July 2010):
Going through the same with my husband but it is him who is having problems with my past. He had lots of girls but never intercourse with any whereas I had sex with 10 men abd intercourse with 5. We have been together 19 yrs and this was an issue at the start seemed to go away as our lives were busy with kids and work but has now cam back and hit us with a vengence. He is talking about leaving as he is struggling to cope. He says he has never felt a love like me and that is why he coped with it for all those yrs but now it has hit him hard. I love him immensley but he says he keeps getting images of me being intimate with other guys and feels disgusted. I don't know any solution for it other than trying to talk it through but it's tearing me apart as I feel so guilty and ashamed and know it is him I want to be with and it's tearing him apart as he cannot get the pictures out of his head. I would love to wave a magic wand and fix this.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2008): You received lots of great advice. I only want to share this quote with you:
"But since human beings are inherently compassionate, compassion in them can be awakened and generated; whatever their age and however horrendous their past experiences have been". (qoute by Theodore Isaac Rubin)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2008): I guess it depends what that means. Get some counsellnig and find a way of communicating with her. If you have been bad with women she could wonder what would stop you disrespecting yourself if the going gets tough with her later; when you have babies for example. On the other hand I had a colourful past and am glad I did because it makes it easy to settle now. I see the value of love as opposed to meaningless relationshipns that hardly last a night or a week or a month. However I once had a boyfriend who I found out paid for sex and it was a real deal breaker because I find that repulsive. I could hardly bear him after that. Depends on her values, what you did and whether you have good communication.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2008): Passionatelynumb, you're the winner and don't really see it. She has to 'make fun' of her past, because if she really Dealt with what's she's done, she'd cry uncontrollably.
It's a front. As the years go by, I think she would have psychological problems if she pushes her past down (denial).
She viewed sex as two bodies getting selfish pleasure, rather than a soul-touching union with a person you love enough to share your life.
I actually feel sorry for her, and would never want her past, regret, ignorance...
I think it would be healing for your relationship, if at some point, you both bring up this issue to come to terms and accept/forgive her past. Bury it.
Then your love for each other should be stronger.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2008): She has issues to deal with, send her for counseling.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2008): Before you allow things to deteriate to much, go for counseling.
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A
male
reader, passionatelynumb +, writes (30 October 2008):
 I think the problem arises when two people have relatively different pasts.
I'm struggling horribly with my fiance's past and let me tell you. The pain your wife is going through probably runs deep and hurts like hell.
I spent most of my life believing in waiting for marraige. Respecting myself and women enough to not have casual sex with anyone.
Then I met the love of my life, and found out that she enjoyed exploring her sexuality through several casual hookups and one-night stands. We can't go very long without running into her past in some way or another. It's really horrible.
She's taken virginities, had sex at parties, fwb's, rich guys, artsy guys. The full gamut.
Meanwhile, I have to hear all of this and realize that the only sex I'll have is that within a committed relationship. Woo hoo.
As bad as I make her past sound rest assured that she's a wonderful person! We get along like no couple I've ever seen. She loves me in a way I never thought possible. However the pain is always there gnawing at the back of my mind.
The pain is double edged and contradictory.
Part of me is disgusted by her past. I held sex as something exclusive and very special between two people. She obviously did not think of sex that way. When I think of her opening her legs for some guy she barely knew and now makes fun of becuase she realized he was an awkward loser when she finally went on an actual date with him. It makes me sick to my stomach.
On the other hand, part of me is envious of all the excitement that she got to experience while I was holding onto my virginity thinking that I would one day meet someone who felt the same and everything would be beautiful.
What a croc that belief turned out to be.
I now really wish I had lived my youth differently. I'm wondering if your wife is feeling the same?
I tell you all of this just to give you a little perspective and why she's having so much trouble dealing with this. However, this is her problem not yours. She should not be dragging you down like this.
I've learned to never bring my pain up with my girl anymore. It really hurts her, and this is something I have to deal with on my own.
That being said. There isn't a day that I don't think about walking away from her and the struggle to stay sane.
I hate to think what I'd lose if I left her. It is very possible that I'll never find anyone like her again.
Its really sad.
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A
female
reader, tykdyidt +, writes (30 October 2008):
If you make her feel as though she is your best friend and treat her with love and respect sharing who you are now, assuming you really have changed, she would have no reason to act this way. Is she very young? Has someone cheated on her in the past? Are there molest issues in her past? Women usually have a sense about the man they are with and if you give her attention and open up with her then there is hope. Has she cheated? When a man loves a moman there is no mistaking the way he wants you to feel.
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A
female
reader, cheryl99 +, writes (30 October 2008):
Reassure her that you are no longer the person she resents - you changed because she met your needs. Remind her that you were sowing your wild oats and not cheating on her as she wasn't around. Agree not to use blame cards as they never help. If her insecurity continues, suggest relationship counselling.
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A
female
reader, aphexinfinite +, writes (30 October 2008):
 sometimes we can spend our lives looking in the past than enjoying the present and looking to the future..your wife needs to get over this or it will be a divorce go to marriage councilling see if that helps with the situation..its always a good idea to keep your past to yourself as it is just that and it ddnt include her..good luck aphex xx
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A
female
reader, Angel dust  +, writes (30 October 2008):
 I know how hard it is for you as yest me and my partner had a huge fight about his past. I know what she is feeling coz im in the same situation. I think her reaction is more not believing in her self, lack of self confindence. Her reaction was triggered maybe by some jealousy that you could have gone out with girls and had fun without her prevously(coz you didnt even know her by then)I know its not a justification and its not fair on you. Dont doubt the relationship, try always to tell her the truth and make her feel special. If thats the only prob in your marriage in my opinion getting a divorce is a mistake. Try to accept this thing in her character and try to understand her. Maybe all she needs is reassurance and a bit of understanding. Good luck !
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