A
male
age
51-59,
*azzy
writes:After many months of hell, and my wife's affair, my suspected affair, myself and my wife decided to give it another go. She has been honest with all that has happenned, so I decided to confirm to her the affair I had that she suspected. She's gone crazy and now its all over, she said that because I didnt tell her when we was making up, that she made up with me on false information. She won't forgive me for what I have done. I really wanted to start again. I think I deserve what I've got, I started it all?
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male
reader, eddie  +, writes (14 December 2009):
 You sound like you are sorry. This is something you need to work out between the two of you and pehaps a marriage therapist. What happened will always be there but you may learn how to cope as a couple. Good luck.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2009): Garry, what are you NOT getting. she had an affair. you had one as well. she admitted hers. you re conciled. YOU CHOOSE TO STILL LIE to her when you both got back togther. of course she is pisses and HURT. you were supposed to come clean. no lies and half truths!!!!!!!!!! what are you not getting. you still chose to lie to her that you TOO were having an affair. simple. you only confessed AFTER THE FACT.
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A
male
reader, Gazzy +, writes (14 December 2009):
Gazzy is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYes eddie there is much truth to what you say. But i saved my wife 7 years ago from an abusive relationship. She idolised me and created an ideal relationship, too ideal, no consistency. She projected this ideal onto me. It was hard to keep with her demands. Her idealds didnt work in reallity, i spent £90,000,00 in 4 years, im in debt, she ran when the money stopped coming in. She has always been prominscuous, her affair was her way of coping. My affair was because i couldnt get past her ideals. She wouldnt stop spending above our means. But yes i sacrificed her first to meet my own needs. I am sorry, my wifes name is Jo-anne, im sorry J0.
Garry
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2009): You are all right, even though she only came clean because i had her phone records,and she had lied to me for months, i had the affair first, then she went out and let an older man abuse her (her own words), because she suspected i had an affair. I am sorry every one, i have let my family down.
Garry
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2009): Was her affair a revenge attack or was it deep and meaningful? Who had an affair first?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2009): Angzw don't give him false hope. Some women are not that stupid.
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A
female
reader, Angzw  +, writes (13 December 2009):
This is how women work: if she confronts you about something and you come clean immediately, you may get hell for a few days but you will be forgiven. If you however, deny deny deny, putting her through an emotional hell roller coaster, it is virtually impossible for her to forgive you. The rule of the thumb is: come clean when confronted put yourself at her mercy and she will give you a 'thumbs up'. If you try use a bargaining chip where its 'quid pro quo' like you did in this case, you are going down baby! However, all is not lost. Just be real remorseful, dont argue with her point for point when she is ranting and raging. Just take it quietly. In a few days she will be emotionally exhausted and that's when you do the candle lit bedroom with a sexy thingie for her to wear and you make it up to her with a lengthy oral session. It may still come up from time to time but over months it will be over. Good luck
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (13 December 2009):
 I guess while you are both in the wrong for having affairs, at least she was honest about it and came clean to you, whereas you continued to hide your infidelity. So your wife will have been feeling terrible, thinking that she has cheated and has ruined your marriage, when you had done the exact same thing!
While two wrongs dont make a right, one person being honest and the other continuing to lie for some time definitely makes it worse! If you really had wanted to make your marriage work and try again you would have come clean right from the start, rather than allowing your wife to feel like the guilty party so you are in a false superior moral position.
I guess all you can do is apologise to your wife, maybe suggest relationship counselling? If she still says she cant forgive you then maybe you are just going to have to accept the situation and move on, learn from your mistakes! Telling you that you should have come clean about the affair as soon as your wife came clean about hers wont do you any good, I think you know full well that you should have been honest but the past is the past.
Sorry to hear about the situation and I hope this has helped in some way.
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A
male
reader, eddie +, writes (13 December 2009):
Did you punish her or make her feel really guilty about what she did while youwere making up? Did you put her through hell, all the while kowing you did the same thing? If you did, and she wore her heart on her sleeve while making up,starting a clean slate, she's probably feeling resentful of foolish. She's might be thinking that the entire time she was baring her secrets to you and coming clean, you were taking it all in, "accepting' her back, listening to her beg for forgiveness and you had actually cheated to.
Is there any truth to this?
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