A
male
age
41-50,
*ip torn
writes:My wife and I have been married 14 years. Pregnant at 17 but in love at the time. Because of the diffucultys of being young parents we went through a lot of struggles. I feel this had a registering effect on some of our marriage because of the stress that came along with it. On the other hand I believe it did bind us for life going through those things together. There was a instance of infidelity on her part about 3 years in. I had a hard time getting over this but I finally did and it actually helped me with my jealousy issues to a point. Altho I don't recommend it as therapy. She completely rebounded from the affair and has been an excellent wife since. We are both very sexual and we started to bring other women into the relationship as she has some bi tendencies. Eventually we began talking about having a real girlfriend between us. A true working threesome if we found the right person. In dec of 09 a girl I knew from high school crowbars me on facebook. This was never a girlfriend of mine per say but we used to hook up now and then back in highschool and I lost my virginity to her. My wife suggested I try to rekindle something with her and see if she would be open to seeing us both. Well she was. We had a great couple months together with her and my wife hitting it off well...at first. Then jealousy started to creep in w my wife making her feel insecure. Needless to say after a year of a rocky relationship between the two of them she eventually had a blow up with this girl and gave me an altimadem. I was lost because I had developed feeling for her and had also shared that w my wife. Possibly adding to her insecurities but I wanted to be open and honest because you have to be Ina situation as touchy as this. It was very shocking to this girl as well as me the way we felt about each other. It made me question everything from love to marriage to god. Inhae two wonderful kids w my wife and I don't want to hurt them by destroying their family life. I continued to see this girl and has for the last year. My wife knows this and although she is unhappy about it she continues to stay. Mostly looking the other way when she knows Ive been with her. I hate hurting my wife because I do love her and I don't want to cause more pain in an already troubled heart. But I love this girl as well and for different reasons than my wife. They both posses different qualities that I find attractive and make me happy. Why the 3 of us together was such a dream relationship for me. I'm completely torn how to proceed because someone...maybe everyone will be hurt by my choice. I feel my wife just gave up on having any relationship w this girl because of her own self image issues and her insecurity. She now actively seeks other women for us to be with but I want us 3 to be together. Why will she agree to other women but not the one I want? The one that makes me happy? Does she care about my own happiness? I'm holding out hope that one day we can all reconcile and put this behind us as a happy trouple.
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affair, facebook, infidelity, insecure, jealous, lost my virginity, sex life, threesome Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2012): From what you have written here: you married way too young due to a pregnancy, you both either have problems with or don't want commitment to the point of being sexually committed to each other, your wife cheated and you forgave her. Then at some point you started what you're doing now- you both agreed to openly have multiple threesome partners for sexual purposes starting first with random partners and then with only one woman. The woman you chose was someone you already had a connection with, you lost your virginity to her. When you have sex with a partner on a regular basis there is a good possibility you will bond emotionally, in this case more so since you already had a connection. No big surprise here.
Your wife is now NATURALLY unhappy since you have fallen in love with this woman and you're considering leaving your wife for her as you think your wife is lacking. In addition, you are now seeing her without your wife's agreement. That is called cheating with knowledge, most people do know or suspect when they're being cheated on. You are living in a very unstable environment by putting your wife in a situation where she will be jealous and angry.
Just because you openly have a polyamorous situation does not eliminate the problems with multiple partners. This is so obvious. People have basic emotions surrounding sexuality and bonding, many people ruin good relationships/marriages with polyamory.
When you bonded with this woman as more than a sex partner, your loyalty to your wife changed- you are seeing this woman now without her permission- your wife is the one you owe loyalty to in this situation. And now here you are with your open and honest agreement, which you chose to break, in the same situation that a monogamous couple often finds themselves in when other people enter the relationship or when cheating happens.
Polyamory doesn't eliminate human emotions and it doesn't eliminate accountability, you don't get to have whatever makes you happy whenever if that isn't what you both agreed to.
The problem is your emotions came into play and your narcissism is now telling you you have to have this woman over your wife or in addition to her. Your wife doesn't have to agree to this if it makes her unhappy. You have to make a decision here: your wife and family or your x gf.
No one can do that for you. My advice is choose your wife and family and stop leading a polyamorous lifestyle.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2012): Riptorn
Many comments here. Try not to let the judgmental ones get to you.
I have one concern and question for you.
You said your wife is trying to introduce new woman for threesome aspect again. Is she attempting to do another "build a relationship" type of threesome, or just sexual fun?
My point is, your wife doesn't seem to fully understand her own needs and limitations. Jealousy happened with the other girl, despite your wife wanting to try this aspect of relationship building as well.
Let's say you give into your wife and break contact with other woman, and then together again find another third female. Might history repeat itself?
I think you and your wife need to have some deep conversations. I am guessing she is not normally the jealous type (if she promotes this behavior), so maybe part of the problem has to do with this other woman being your first and feeling threatened by a special connection between you two.
You two should probably quit the threesomes for awhile. And you should break off contact with the other woman for awhile. Take the time to work on strengthening your relationship with your wife as a couple, and then attempt to come back to introducing someone else. You two need to be completely honest with each other. She needs tell you why she can't stand the other woman, you need to be honest about your feelings for her, find a way to bridge that, and work on building your connection as a couple, just the two of you.
Only start thinking about a third woman when the two of you are strong again.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (23 March 2012):
 Your wife doesn't want to be in a relationship with the woman you chose. Fairly simple. The rest of the argument seems to be deciding whose happiness is most important and who was misleading whom.
At a certain point in most long-lasting relationships, there comes a point when you realize that you have bonded to your partner in a profound and lasting way. It may happen that another person shows up who would seem to be better suited to you than your partner, but you realize and are content that you've made a choice. You honor the choice you've made, in fact, you celebrate your choice and you make your marriage better and stronger because you recognize there are many choices you could have made.
The people who decide to stick with their commitment are the ones whose marriages survive. The ones who decide the grass is greener on the other side are the ones whose divorces contribute to the statistics you cite.
Bottom line is your wife doesn't want to be a girlfriend to your girlfriend.
I think the best thing to do is to suggest she find her own outside love interest and turn what you have into an officially open marriage. That way, she's free to pursue the men or women she finds attractive.
Out of curiosity, did she cheat on you with a man or a woman?
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A
male
reader, Kyle007 +, writes (23 March 2012):
Tell you what, since you won't take anyone's advice here, why don't you just go do what you want and see how it works out for you. Wait a few months and report back on your progress. If your wife hasn't killed you yet, that is.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (23 March 2012):
 Your WIFE, you know, the woman you entered into a legally binding contract with, is no longer a consenting participant in this non legally binding temporary agreement (the threesome). You currently live in a country where only one wife is legally recognised, and accepted as the norm.
YOU, and only you, have to decide what you want to do now that your wife no longer wants the threesome. As you have seen you cannot force her to participate any longer so what are you going to do?
Divorce your wife with all that goes with that, settlement, child custody, maintenance, alimony, unhappy kids etc etc
or you could leave your wife and child without divorce, which then leaves the ball in your wife's court, she could divorce you instead
or give up the second woman, who then naturally, as she currently believes she is on a winner, could get all nasty and vindictive
oh dear, seems to me whichever way you turn you end up in the poo. I am quite capable of looking outside the box, but unlike you I am also capable of considering any foreseen issues that may arise when making lifestyle decision, and even you should have seen this shit fight coming.
You created this mess, you now know there is no clean and tidy way out of it, seems that your wife's considerations and your children's stability and happiness is not a priority so you make your own decisions, and accept the results of them.
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A
female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (22 March 2012):
 You are far too quick to judge and make excuses for your selfishness. Many people enjoy threesomes, orgies, open marriages and get them to work.. They are difficult, but yes some people can pull it off. Many people also live polygamous marriages, with more than one husband or wife. Muslims are allowed to have more than wife and several religious and political sects do practise this informally. That is not your problem.
Your problem is, you fell in love with a woman who was supposed to be joining you and your wife for sex, and instead of breaking of the marriage your forcing your wife to accept this. This is outside the agreement of any type of threesome. It also would destroy a polygamous marriage. The whole issue is about consent. Your wife was happy to have sex games and she didn't mind that. But setting up house with another woman, that's not what she agreed to. She doesn't want to share her married life with another woman, even if she feels comfortable about sharing her bed.
You haven't come here for advice, you just want to manipulate until you get the answer you want. Unless both women agree, there can be no successful relationship and keeping them both. There are many men who have multiple wives who will tell you that it's hell if they hate each other, and it's hell if they don't agree. I don't know what type of arrangement you are imagining. You and this woman holding hands, whilst your wife tries to poison your tea. And where are your kids supposed to fit in all of this. Yes you could possibly explain a successful multiple marriage, but with your wife hating this other woman and crying all over the place, they are going to know something is wrong.
Your wife has given you an ultimatum. YOU CANNOT KEEP BOTH!!!! CHOOSE ONE! Your wife doesn't have to accept this arrangement, she doesn't have to like it, and she has every right to ask you never to see this woman again or get out of the house and leave her and the kids alone.
You are selfish, nothing you have said makes me think differently, and it's not your sexual set up I'm judging, but the fact that your wife's natural distress means nothing to you at all. You can't keep two cats who hate each other in a small box because one will end up badly injured.
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A
male
reader, Rip torn +, writes (22 March 2012):
Rip torn is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYou are all painting me to be someone who lured her into this relationship when that isn't the case. Threesomes have always been a mutual interst and desire for us both. We participate in male threesomes as well because it's a desire of hers. Don't question my ability to raise children because of a sexual appetite. I aside you they are well cared for. As for marriage being between 2 people... Well that is certainly an opinion. How's that been working out for the last 100 years? 50% divorce rate? Don't be afraid to leave the box for a little while and maybe you would he open to seeing other points of view. The details are differen from most but the situation is the same. I'm in love w two women and I can't decide how to choose between them because i fear the reprocutions of losing either.
Thanks to those w an open mind who want to help a person w a difficult decision seeking sound advice and not looking to be judged.
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (22 March 2012):
Wait a second, this is no longer a consensual threesome, this is a married man having an affair and forcing his wife to put up with it. Threesomes are about sex and only sex, but you have now gone and fallen in love and are flaunting it in your wife's face.
It's not fair you cry.. poor you.. why the hell should you get two women to love and adore you, when other men have to stick to one.
You think your wife should just shut up, while you fuck this other woman, whisper sweet nothing in her ears and tenderly look at her with love.... and you could do the same right. Share your wife with another man, who she doesn't only have sex with, but loves with all her heart and would rather destroy her marriage, throw away her kids if she can't be with him.
I have no idea what to say, not to you, or to this other woman who doesn't seem to care about anything... I think you should get a divorce, go off with your sex woman and live happily ever after... at least your wife will get some peace, and maybe a decent man of her own who loves her properly.
And at least the children won't be confused by who this lady is, your girlfriends or your wife's...
You are a selfish man, and your wife is a fool for staying with you. Threesomes are one thing, but forcing her to be the sadly neglected second wife who must either share her husband or get out... sigh.... She'll leave you one day, because very few people could live like this.
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A
male
reader, Kyle007 +, writes (22 March 2012):
You've been told by posters over and over again that the three of you does not work. You can't stop the ugly head of jealousy in any other way than to return to a one on one monogamous relationship.
You know, people actually kill each other over these things?
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A
female
reader, celtic_tiger +, writes (22 March 2012):
 I have one question.
What does your child think about all this?
Do they care that their father is trying to replace their mother with a new woman?
Do you want you child to be teased about their dysfunctional family?
Your comment about 3 salaries looking after a child - WHAT!!! How does this other woman feel about paying for someone elses child? I dont expect she would be too happy. What if she wants kids of her own, would you impregnate her? What if she then decided she didnt want your wife or your other child, which family would you choose?
As I see it, you are having a bit of a tantrum because you wife (quite rightly imo) isn't happy with you having a live in lover. Your wife is your wife, and this other woman was just a bit of fun sex. YOU changed the rules by getting emotionally involved.
Stop being so SELFISH and act like a grown up, not a teenage boy throwing his toys out of his pram.
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A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (22 March 2012):
Truthfully, I think the reason why your wife went along with this was to make you happy and because she thought she could handle the jealousy, because she figured that you'd pick her over the new girl no matter what. Turns out she was wrong. It was naive of her to go along with this, I'll admit that. But I'll bet my rent money that you 'helped' making that decision.
She is not insecure, she feels threatened by this new woman for a good reason. What doesn't help matters much is that you seem to only care about your own happiness, not hers. Have you not noticed how the only one benefiting from this arrangement is you?
You fleetingly mention not wanting to hurt your wife, only to go on about how this was your dream relationship having 2 women at the same time and now you feel slighted because your wife --the one you pledged love and loyalty to-- isn't pleased with the arrangement. And let's get real here--who would be? She now not only has to share her man with a person whom she has no connection with, and her mas has now actually fallen in love with this woman.
A relationship is about giving and taking. On both sides. It's never been about 1 person's happiness only.
Look there's a reason successful relationships only happen between TWO people, not three. Three is a crowd. Three is like the third wheel on a bike. I don't know how many metaphors I have to throw at you. If you want to build a harem of some sort, you are in the wrong place.
As for the cheating part, it's really convenient of you to use that against her now it suits your needs best. If that was a deal breaker for you, you should have divorced her back then when it happened, not take her back and forgive her. Two wrongs don't make a right.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2012): You have already chosen the other woman. Your wife gave you an ultimatum and you have continued to see the other woman, separately from your wife, for a year now. Your wife has chosen (passively and stupidly at that) to accept your behavior and failed to act on her ultimatum.
For the past year, you have been dating/sleeping/carrying on a relationship with this other woman. This is not what you call a threesome anymore, or a relationship that the 3 of you have. Your wife has nothing to do with you two. It's just you TWO and you love her. This is an actual, extramarital affair you're carrying on. Your only gripe is that the 3 of you can't live in the same house and fuck.
Your update doesn't make you sound any less of a colossal, selfish egomaniac.
I don't feel sorry for you, your wife, or this other woman. The only people I feel sorry for are you children, who are surrounded by a bunch of dysfunctional losers.
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A
female
reader, PerhapsNot +, writes (22 March 2012):
 "By involving this other girl in our life, doesn't it make her selfish to suddenly end things because of her own feelings toward it without really giving it a chance to work in the first place."
Suddenly? Ehhh.....I don't think a a year is suddenly. Next.
"Something so important to me that I'm contemplating leaving her over it? Shouldn't that be important to her as well?"
It may be important to YOU just as it is IMPORTANT to HER that you discontinue seeing the other woman. I am not sure what you don't comprehend here. She DOESN'T want the other woman involved anymore. That is her prerogative and it's so important to her that she has given you the ultimatum. If this other woman is more important than your wife and her wishes, then get a divorce.
"In today's economy a lot can be said for 3 incomes and helping to raise children. Just some of the benefits I see from this"
LOL! Get real man! I don't know who you're trying to bullshit, but this is probably the lamest thing I have read in a while. Listen, do your wife and yourself a favor and just file for divorce. Clearly you're not willing to leave this other woman and you're hard-pressed on making excuses for your choices. You were young when you married and you probably married the wrong person. It happens. Don't drag your wife through the mud and just get a divorce. There is no hope for you two, especially with your mentality.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2012): Maybe you should try having to men and your wife and see how that threesome will work, where are your children when all this type of behavioral is going on? I think you and your wife needs to sit down and come to the realization that this is not the right thing to do in a marriage, a marriage is a man and a women and thats it.
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A
male
reader, Rip torn +, writes (22 March 2012):
Rip torn is verified as being by the original poster of the questionBy involving this other girl in our life, doesn't it make her selfish to suddenly end things because of her own feelings toward it without really giving it a chance to work in the first place. Something so important to me that I'm contemplating leaving her over it? Shouldn't that be important to her as well? And no I won't be taking into consideration the thought of my wife w another man because that's not something we discussed, fantasized about together and tried to accomplish together...hence the difference. Part of me does think she would be better off without me. She depends, leans too much on me. She has no social life or friends Altho I encourage that for her. I beleive her problems socially run deeper than just this. I have gotten her into counseling several times till I just couldn't afford it anymore to get her some help. We lived the 1st Half of our marriage without other woman involved and yet there was cheating on her part so I don't think one has to do w another. In today's economy a lot can be said for 3 incomes and helping to raise children. Just some of the benefits I see from this
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2012): well, your in a fucked situation basically.
Need to get rid of the girlfriend and work on your marriage. Failing that get rid of the wife and go with the girl.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (22 March 2012):
You say : Does she care about my own happiness? I'm holding out hope that one day we can all reconcile and put this behind us as a happy trouple.
She's your wife. She should take precendence over this other woman, and so should your kids, seems to me you only care about yourself and not your wife and kids, why the heck should they care about you?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2012): "I hate hurting my wife because I do love her and I don't want to cause more pain in an already troubled heart."
I think you don't care about anyone but yourself here and you may even enjoy hurting people. You all played with fire and now you're going to pay a price. 3 in a relationship never happens without some kind of jealousies, anger and usually the end of the relationship. Why should she agree to what you want, you're already basically cheating on her by seeing this woman on the sly now.
My advice is for you both to go back to your marriage and eliminate other people from that for good. Being very sexual doesn't mean you need other people in your relationship, work on that.
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A
female
reader, PerhapsNot +, writes (22 March 2012):
Welcome to the realm of reality OP! You see in the real world, no partner will idly sit by and rejoice in the fact that their partner is banging someone, who they have feelings for. You're in love with two women and these two women love you. It doesn't take a genius to figure out why this won't work. These types of situations are only successful or possible in La La Land, where unicorns shit rainbows. You're the only one who is benefiting from this arrangement. Your wife may have wanted to share you sexually because she is bisexual, but it is very clear that she doesn't want to share you in any other way. She doesn't want you to form emotional attachment or have any feelings/companionship with the second woman. Clearly your situation has crossed the line or changed for her. She has given you an ultimatum and you will have to choose between the two. Forget trying to make this threesome relationship happening because it's not. If there was even a remote chance of that, your wife wouldn't have given you an ultimatum. She has made her thoughts and wants known. Toss all the fond memories of the three of you together and look at the reality. You will need to make a choice.
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A
female
reader, Deagan +, writes (22 March 2012):
 I know you have feelings for this other woman, but when you have kids, it's not all about you and what you want anymore.
Try sticking it out for the kids by staying with your wife. End the relationship with the other woman and try mending your marriage. You and your wife should discuss remaining monogamous. Hopefully the both of you will not need a girlfriend anymore.
Just give that a shot first.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (22 March 2012):
 "Happy trouples" never work out, if they did, the entire dynamics of all relationships would change! Its nice to know you are so concerned only about your own happiness but have you EVER taken one single second out to think where this is all going? Your marriage is not right, its a crash waiting to happen. How on earth did you think you could ever introduce another person into your marriage and make things work?
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A
female
reader, BettyBoup +, writes (22 March 2012):
 It's not that she doesn't care about your happiness(listen to yourself!), it's that she has to think about her happiness. Imagine if your wife was madly in love with another man. He fulfilled all the things she was lacking in her relationship with you. But she still wanted to be with you so wanted to have a 3 way with this man. Now think you don't get on with this man. You feel insanely jealous when you know your wife has been with him. But you cannot give up on your marriage. Your wife really wants to have this 3 way relationship but you know it will mess with your head, your heart and destroy your self esteem.
This is why marriages are designed for 2 people. More than that and you get problems. Stop thinking only of yourself and your happiness. Life is not about fulfilling all your wildest dreams at the expense of others!
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A
male
reader, Kyle007 +, writes (22 March 2012):
My only advice is to stop doing threesomes altogether. Jealousy does not arise in relationships where there are TWO people. That is why the vast majority of us are one-on-one, and those relationships are hard enough as it is.
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