A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi all, hoping you can help me out here.I've been dating a girl who I really love for almost 4 years now. I know she loves me too. Something causes me to be really upset and question my whole relationship.I should give a bit of background, she is my first serious relationship and the only person I have ever slept with. We are almost the same age but she started being sexually active at 16 and me at 22 (with her) and she has been in 4 earlier sexual relationships.What upsets me is that I never got any action in high school and through most of university (college), and as a consequence, worked really hard at my career, body (exercise) and finances. In hindsight, this was obviously not the best way to get a girlfriend but when you are that young it is hard to know how to make the best life choices.So now with my current girlfriend, I find it hard to accept that she is $20k into personal debt + student loan debt (due to partying and living away from home during university) while I worked and scrimped my way through university (to get well paying degree). Also, she drinks quite a bit and has developed a "beer gut" which she didn't have when she was younger or when we met.I am not judging her, actually, I wish I had done what she did, had fun, partied, had more partners. I guess I am jealous that other men got her while she was partying, carefree and slim, and I only get the "in debt and less attractive" version of her. How is that fair? I have discussed this many times with her and she has not managed to lose weight or stop drinking over 3 years. It makes me want to give up.When I broach this subject with here she tells me to "man the hell up" and says I'm insulting her.
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debt, get a girlfriend, jealous, lose weight, university Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (23 March 2012):
 Hey, I know Im entering this a bit late, but maybe I can give you my thoughts anyway?
I can only comment on what you have written here, so if there are other factors involved my answer will not help you so much. But if what you have written here sum sit up then this is what I draw from it.
Your feelings towards your girlfriend are not about your girlfriend at all. I mean, this isn't about "fair" or not. It's got nothing to do with things being fair, that you are someone forced to have the "less attractive" version of her. No one is making you stay or forcing you to stay. If she is not the woman you want, or is too lazy, or not attractive enough, or has too much debt, then NO ONE is forcing you to stay. No one. That is your choice. You are the one who chooses this "unfair" situation.
Maybe you aren't happy in the relationship, but it's not fair of you to expect her to be someone she isn't just because that'd suit you better. The thing is, if you don't like her as she is you need to let her go and find someone who actually IS everything you want. Someone who stays in shape, someone who works hard and doesn't have debt etc.
You're sort of wishing you were with an earlier version of her, slimmer, more attractive (in your eyes) and debt free. But that was her maybe 5-6 years ago. That's not her any longer. And as such, you can't expect her to be who she isn't, and you can't expect people to change or grow into "better" versions of themselves either. This isn't about fair or not, this is about being realistic.
She's not who you want. Maybe she was who you wanted when you met her, but she isn't that any longer. And there is no point in sitting here complaining about it, because obviously you've expressed your dislike for her drinking habits and how she doesn't work out to stay in shape, how she has a debt etc. And she isn't willing or interested in dealing with it. Then it is your choice whether you want to stay or go. It's a CHOICE you make. It's got nothing to do with what's fair or not.
If you want someone who works out, doesn't drink much, doesn't have much debt etc, then go find that person! Don't sit and complain about how unfair it is that your current girlfriend doesn't meet your standards. She needs to live her life as she sees fit, and you need to live your life as you see fit, and obviously you and her don't fit into each others idea of the perfect partner any longer.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the advice everyone, I need to not use her as a measure of my own success, which is what I was doing.
I need to get out and have fun, it just sucks that I have to break up with a really great girl to do that.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (22 March 2012):
Let her go. This is not the woman for you at all.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (22 March 2012):
 Ha ha ha Buddy, your girlfriend's beer gut is the LEAST of your problems!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2012): You do not love her or you would accept her as she is, warts and all.
My suggestion is, let her go find an easy going fun man who will see what she has to offer,take her as she is.
Meanwhile, you go catch up on the fun you missed out on, sleep around, have a few drunken lads weekends and a few lads holidays
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (22 March 2012):
 you ARE judging her.
I think you need to leave her. I think that if she has a beer belly now and you find that unattractive that if you stay together and she bears your children her sagging leaking breasts and huge stretched out belly will dismay you even further.
If you would take her back when she's slim and debt free make SURE to tell her this. "hey baby I really loved you when you were thin and debt free so if you ever get that way again be sure to get in touch with me so we can hook up again"
oh and you ask "how is this fair"?
guess what, it's NOT and life is NOT fair.
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A
female
reader, Echo85 +, writes (22 March 2012):
 I have never read a question before and had no answer straight away other than 'WOW, Douchebag!!!'.
So this is a first.
Break up with her and let her find a 'real' man. Or at least a less whingy one.
Seriously, did you expect us to go 'ahhh, poor guy'?
Suck it up and treat her right or let her go.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (22 March 2012):
 If it makes you want to give up, then give up and stop complaining. You're just miserable because she had fun while you were busy studying and now you grudge her of that! Which means, by your logic, you see yourself as a loser compared to her and you are actually not proud of what you have achieved in the way that you should be proud, rather you resent that you missed out all the fun and action.
You did what you wanted to and so did she. How can you be so ridiculously silly and be jealous of her life? Who's asking you to be stuck with the "in debt and less attractive" version of her? If you feel that its so unfair, then just break up with her. But you wont even do that, because in some way or the other, this girl is a boost to your ego and being with her is your way of consoling yourself that you are not a geek and you have finally managed to get the kind of girl you never thought you could.
You are not just insulting her, you are insulting your brains too, when you talk like this. Read your own post and see how horribly shallow you sound. Its understandable to be upset when a relationship isnt working out, but your reasons and your rationality for it are just weird. Its just your jealousy talking, that's all.
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