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female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: My fiance is making me get an STD test before he marries me. He is a virgin and I'm not. I have been with 2 guys before him. He told me he just wants to be sure I am clean before he marries me because he does not want to catch an std. He is demanding me that I show him the test results so he can read over them, or else he won't marry me. I feel kind of weird that he is asking me to do this? He told me if I don't do it then he will not marry me and leave me. I don't want to get tested, but I love him, and can't lose him. He told me although he is a virgin, he will still get tested for me if, it makes me feel better. I asked him, "why do you want me to get tested what difference does it make if I have something or not. He told me, he wants to have children, and doesn't want to have an std to be in his way of having children. Plus he does not want to have any risk of having one. He told me that is one of the reason's he waited till marriage to have sex. He didn't want to have to deal with an std through marriage, and he doesn't want his future spouse to have one either. He told me, he waited for marriage so he wouldn't have to deal with the risk of catching an std, so why should he have to fear risk catching one from his wife, during marriage.
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female
reader, carebare  +, writes (7 July 2011):
" I don't want to get tested, but I love him, and can't lose him. "
Dude... Why DON'T you want to get tested? Don't YOU want to know if you have something? A lot of things can be cured but if you are completely unaware of it, it's extremely damaging at could be irreparable at a later point in time. If you have had sex you should be getting tested anyway for your own sake and the sake of your partners... At your age, you should really know better.
Best to both of you.
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male
reader, doublejack  +, writes (6 July 2011):
I'll add another "get tested" response. You're fiance is just being cautious, and there's absolutely nothing wrong with that. You've had two partners, so you *could* have an STD. There's no harm nor any insult in getting tested to prove you are clean.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (6 July 2011):
 get tested.
when my current bf and I got together we both got tested and we will be tested again in 6 months to make sure all is clear...
it's no big deal to get tested but to be honest refusing to be tested is a big red flag to me....
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2011): "why do you want me to get tested what difference does it make if I have something or not"
What a weird question from an adult woman. What difference does having a disease make that could potentially kill or make you sterile? You tell me.
I'm like most of the others OP, I get tested as soon as I start dating a new woman and I won't have sex without a condom with her until I know for sure she's clean too. Because a lot of STD's have no symptoms and yes virgins can have them too.
It's not an insult and he is not making a demand, he's just telling you what you have to do if you want to marry him, it's that simple. Why don't you want to get one? They're quick painless and don't take long. Just both go and get tested.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2011):
I think you should tell him you will go and get one if he will also go and get one. There are STDs even a virgin can have and how do you REALLY know he is a virgin? (Don't tell him this last part or it may upset him.) He should not object to this. If he does then tell him maybe YOU don't want to marry HIM.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2011): Normal? Hmm, well kinda. Thing is, you have only had two partners and if you used condoms with those I would be inclined to tell him to get bent.
When i got with my bf i asked him to have an STD test and he refused. He had nothing to hide (i have had 2 tests in the last 18 months and both were fine), he just did not want to do it. Er, doesnt that have something to do with personal human rights? I think so...
He does sound a little demanding to me. I would not refuse to marry someone if they refused. Infact, i kind of respected my bf for standing up for himself and saying 'no, i dont want to do it.' It does smell slightly of your bf having some sexual hangups to me too. But it looks like he is in control here so if you are going to keep him happy you will probably have to do it, which does not bode well. Going to the STD clinic is not a pleasnt experince and no-one should make you go. God, where did the romance and glamour go?!!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2011): Get tested. It's not an insult, it's being responsible, and HE should get tested as well. Just because he has not had intercourse, does not mean he hasn't done other things and you can easily get an STD through oral and contract the virus that causes AIDS through a medical procedure (though that has died down, thank goodness). Both of you get tested and if for some reason one of you has something, you can get it hopefully cleared up before you engage in a sex together (STD's can lay dormant for years with no symptoms and you don't even know you have anything). This should not ruin your relationship at all. Best of luck to you :-)
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2011): You stated..."What difference does it make if have something or not"! Lady, I agree with your future husband, but I wouldn't even marry you at all.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2011): why dont you want to go and have one... unless you do have something to hide...?
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female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (6 July 2011):
 Years ago, people in some US states had to get a blood test in order to get a marriage license. This sounds like routine maintenance to me. Get it done, both of you.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2011): I also agree with your husband completely.
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male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (6 July 2011):
I don't think this is a bad idea at all. With all the STD's going around (and there are a lot), I think people do need to take some serious responsibility. Like others here, I also get tested every time I find a new partner, on the basis that you simply can't be too careful.
He has been honest - he wants you to get tested so he knows that he can marry and commit without fear of catching something. And, in a show of good faith, he has also offered to have one himself which goes to show he's no hypocrite either.
As the others have said - get tested of this honest, genuinely caring guy will walk. And you can be pretty sure there'll be other women out there who will appreciate that he is willing to get tested.
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female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (6 July 2011):
 This is perfectly normal and you should want to have an STD test, never mind him asking you to get one. Each time I have a new sexual partner I go for an STD test because you dont know what you might have caught from a former partner, and it is not fair to any new partner to be passing on any diseases.
Having regular sexual health checks is very important, some STD's are symptomless but can have huge impacts on your health, they can cause infertility etc so it is really important that before you sleep with a new partner you get tested, for their health and your own health too.
It obviously wont be a deal breaker to him if you have an STD, I'm sure he is not going to leave you - but it matters because it affects both of your health, and that is a big deal.
There is no reason not to have a test, it is the normal thing to do in such a circumstance and you should just get on with it.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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male
reader, idoneitagain  +, writes (6 July 2011):
Asking a partner to have an std test is a normal request for any two people who are dating and who are going to start having a sexual relationship. In this regard it is a reasonable request. He is also being fair by saying he is willing to have one too even though he hasn't had sex, it shows he respects you too. This is not an issue of trust, people can have std's without knowing that they carry them.
It is unusual in a sense that he is saying that whether or not he will marry you might depend on the outcome of the test, but part of that is circumstancial. Unually when people are dating this kind of stuff is dealt with early on and by the time marriage becomes a possibility both people know the sexual health of the other person. I would say in most people's minds it is a consideration, but the two topics don't usually have to be answered in relation to one another they usually are answered in different contexts.
Knowing that it is commonplace for people to get tested in this day and age, I am curious to know what your objection is to getting tested?
I get the sense that you are upset by the fact that something like this could make him not want to marry you, that it might make you question whether he loves you or not, or if he is just in a sense ticking boxes? Please know that this might be very important to him, he might love you but his love for you does not mean this isn't important to him too. He might have also said it could be a deal breaker because you don't have a reason not to be tested, and that if you won't be tested he might feel like he can't trust you, or that it calls your trustworthiness into question somehow. These are all speculations you will have to speak to him to get to the truth of it.
Short answer though, is get tested and then this becomes a non issue, and lets you clear up anything left over with this out the way.
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (6 July 2011):
 Okay, yes, it's perfectly reasonable for him to request that you have an STD test. In fact, both of you should do it together. You both get tested. It would be interesting to see his reaction to you saying that you want one as well.
While I understand the rationale behind being tested, something's bothering me. Usually, people do that nearer to the beginning of a relationship rather than after a marriage proposal has been made. This seems out of place, and I have this weird feeling that something else is behind it rather than just a genuine concern for his safety.
If I can ask you thia, you've never mentioned how long that you've been seeing each other. I assume that since you're calling him your fiance, it's been a while? Longer than a year? Two years? Why is this coming up now? Have you two been physical in ways that don't include intercourse, or has it been an absolute complete hands off thing?
If the two of you have done things like oral sex (you with him), it would be wise to point out to him that there haa already been an exchange of bodily fluids between you. Same with deep french kissing, his fingering or performing oral on you, and other activities.
Something is amiss here. There is a judgment thing happening. STD tests are usually requested or disclosed early in a relationship. Now, after he's already made the proposal, this is coming up?
Did he *just* find out that you aren't a virgin? Does he bring up your experience a lot? Has he known about your experience for a long time? Why wait until now, and why all the harsh ultimatums? I don't get it.
Is this guy a germophobe? That would make this make sense if he's all of a sudden worried about his wedding night. Does he wash his hands really frequently or express disdain for public restrooms and crowds? I'm just trying to figure this out.
Back to the relationship. If you two have touched in sexual ways not involving intercourse, it's a good bet that he's done that with other people. If this is truly a cleanliness concern and not repressed aggression towards your perceived "dirtiness and tarnished state of being", which is a bit of retroactive jealousy towards the fact that you didn't "wait" and he did, that's all fine and well.
You both should be tested. And I get a really off feeling about this. Hopefully he's just being a germophobe with a sudden anxiety attack. The "I waited for marriage so I wouldn't have to get an STD" sure sounds a bit obsessive about germs, so I say humor him. It's good for you anyways.
I just want to know why he didn't bring it up BEFORE the proposal. This is what's irking me big time. Also, if he's been physical with you (aka outercourse...heh...I hate that word but it fits) he's already 'exposed' himself, especially if you've gone down on him.
This one will have me scratching my head for a bit. I can't put my finger on why I suddenly feel like a cat that's been rubbed the wrong way.
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female
reader, EtTuBrute +, writes (6 July 2011):
 Of course you should get tested and let him know. I think it's a fair request.
If you love him, you'll do it. You don't want to give him anything, if you even have anything. If you think you do, then just be honest or wait for the test results. It's better to catch them early!
I was with a lot of people before I met my man. I got tested and I'm all clean. Now, both of us know we're healthy and our minds are at ease.
If he didn't love you or thought you were "dirty," he wouldn't be with you. Obviously he's accepted that you've been with two other guys because he's going to marry you. He just wants to make sure you're healthy.
Please go get tested. I hope everything works out for you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2011): You asked him what does it matter if you have something or not? it definitely matters. He waited to protect his future. You should respect this if you love him. My boyfriend is in the same boat as you are. I want him to get tested but he sees it as if I am saying he is dirty. No, if he was dirty I wouldn't be with him. but I want to be sure he isn't gonna give me something that could kill me. You should get tested. it is the responsible thing to do for yourself and your future husband.
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female
reader, person12345 +, writes (6 July 2011):
 Your fiancé is right. You should get tested. Why should he expose himself to potentially dangerous diseases to prove he trusts you? If you don't think you have anything anyways it's not a big deal. They swab your vagina, less uncomfortable even than a pap smear. They can also do cheek swabs for HIV testing now, if you're nervous about that part.
I think your fiancé is being a jerk in terms of his threatening you, but at the same time he's being totally rational here. EVERYONE regardless of marital status or trust level should get an STD test done before they have unprotected sex. There would be a lot fewer STDs out there if more people did this.
Just get tested so your husband can feel safe.
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (6 July 2011):
 I am sorry to say but I agree with your husband here completely. He is right. He obviously cares about his health and also your health. I think it is good to get yourself tested for STI's every now and then. They are quite common now and if left untreated they can have very bad side effects. What is it that is making you not want to get tested? Are you scared of something. It really is simply them taking a swab and sent away for testing and also taking some bloods. Your husband has a very sensible head on his shoulders.
You say what difference does it make if you have one or not. Well it makes a huge difference honey. By getting tested for it and something comes back positive at least then they can treat you for it. Take chlamydia for instance. All you need to do there is take a weeks course of antibiotics and it is cleared up and you are free from it. Off course STD's are a different story and can have lasting effects.
Don't worry about getting tested, believe me it is a good thing. He is not judging you he is just looking out for both of you. Don't risk losing him over this. It is better to be safe than sorry. Good luck.
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