A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:In my past relationship, I verbally abused my wife. At the time I apparently never noticed what I was doing and I've finally come to terms with this over the past few months and I've been working on it tremendously. What really concerns me though... what is killing me right now,that every time i talk to my ex, I notice she stumbles over certain words and becomes very insecure when talking to me and I'm sure it's not only me she is like this around now and while noticing this, I know that I am probably the reason she is like that, and it really kills me knowing that I caused her to feel so badly about herself and what people think about her because she's too amazing to think/feel that way about herself like that. She even started crying once over people thinking she was a bad person. She's never been like that...never in the 8 years I've known her....my question is...is there anything I can do to help her? Help fix what I've done? or is it better to just let it be? I care about this girl like nobodies business and I cant live with myself knowing that my immaturity and selfishness caused this. I want her to be happy. I truly do.
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male
reader, IHateWomanBeaters +, writes (25 September 2009):
 Hey buddy,I am going to make this productive and helpful, but first i have to say one thing.If i saw you in the streets I'd be beating you up and down the streets til you were stuttering because your brain couldn't work. You wouldn't even know what confidence meant. BTW you lack it:)Productive Part:There are a few things you can do.1. Leave her alone and don't be in her life.2. If you, the coward, insist on being in her life and you love her, get help and then talk to her when you get over whatever problems you have.3. If you do either of those things, leave and open ended invitation saying you would like to start anew as friends and APOLOGIZE like you have never done before. When you do that, you do not try and influence her decision. If she wants you in her life (which she shouldn't) then *she will tell you*.I hope this helps.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2009): First off thank you for posting because it is rare to see someone realising the extent of verbal abuse and its impact and looking to heal the issues caused. Your lovely lady is certainly lacking in confidence and self worth and this will probably be due in part to your actions. However beating yourself up over it won't help her. I would tell her that you have noticed these things and that you don't want to draw attention to them each time but just want her to know that she no longer needs to feel nervous around you. Consistency is the key for the future - one slip and your efforts will be gone. You need to demonstrate you have changed because your wife is waiting nervously for you to revert back to your old ways and so is on guard. Over time, with your own perseverance and hers I think you have every chance to bring your relationship to a good place. Bear in mind your wife needs her own space to heal and grow as an individual away from the relationship with you - this will help her equally - so encourage her to feel freedom to be with her friends to take time for hobbies and interests. I hope this helps.
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A
male
reader, celestial  +, writes (26 August 2009):
You to need fix yourself before you can fix your relationship. Verbal abuse comes from anger and one way to get ride of anger is by exercising. So, run 3 miles every day, it will make you feel good and will get rid of the excess energy and everything will go smoothly.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2009): I was in a verbally abusive relationship for 3 years. Eventually I left him and completely cut him out of my life after he started to get physically abusive. One book I read that helped me understand verbal abuse was 'The Verbally Abusive Relationship' by Patricia Evans. Perhaps you want to read it, it will help you understand the psychology of verbal abuse a little more. Good luck with your efforts.
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A
female
reader, Jolin  +, writes (26 August 2009):
 you need to get her to consult to psychiatry.
They will assist her how to boost her self-confidence.
You also need to ask the psychiatry what parts you can do to help her.
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A
male
reader, Sphronas +, writes (26 August 2009):
 Apparently you still talk to each other, so just tell her! Tell her that she is, and always was, a great and wonderful person and that you treated her like you did because YOU were insecure, immature and selfish. Tell her that you know there is no excuse for what you did. Apologize for every nasty thing you have ever said to her or about her. If she cannot accept your apology, give her time to think about things and apologize again. Tell her you are not asking for forgivenness but that you want her to feel good about herself again.And never, never treat a woman like this again.
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