A
female
age
36-40,
*oldie22
writes:I feel like ive caused a massive family rift by asking a silly question. Ive had a difficult relationship with my uncle for many of my adult years. He is often very sullen and angry around me. I get short snippy answers to anything i say. He is 48 years old and im 29 so neither of us are children. He still lives with my grandparents..Yesterday my uncle berated me for talking about going on holiday with my 3 daughters he was asking how i can afford it etc and if id been taking out loans. I havent.. Today i offered to make him a cup of tea. He shouted at me that he never drinks tea and how everyone knows this..i felt that this really was enough and finally asked him what the problem is..His answer "i dont like you because you remind me of your father he was an arrogant pig of a man who beat me up when i was 14. He gave me dirty looks all the time just like you do. He treated me like dirt and your no better you just remind me of him." I got really upset at that point because my father physically and mentally tortured me and my brother and mother to the point that he nearly killed us he was very mentally ill and ive had years of therapy trying to come to terms with what he has done to us.. My uncle obviously has been hurt as well but i really cant come to terms with being compared with and told im just like my abuser, the man who i still have nightmares about. I dont understand why he would say something so horrible when all im guilty of is aparently looking at him in the wrong way. My uncle then told me that he didnt expect me to react in the way that i did and he said sorry and that he shouldnt have said it. i apologised to him and told him i was sorry he is so hurt and that i never intended to make him feel so bad.. but now i feel so dirty and ashamed that someone thinks im like my father I cant stop crying and my little girls need me to stop can someone please help me sort out my head ive got nobody to talk to
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female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (1 May 2018):
 Goldie, please get counseling for this and if you have please revisit your need for more counseling. The uncle with appalling social skills and a talent for insults and verbal abuse seems to be working through things that happened 35 years ago. He needs help too. It would be safe and prudent to keep these old and unhealthy personal dynamics from damaging your children now.
A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (30 April 2018):
 Goldie, there's really no reason for you to cry! The man is a sad, pathetic human being...48, perpetually angry, sullen and living with his parents...his resume speaks for itself. He needs someone helpless to vent his frustrations out on and as it turns out, you were the victim. The excuse given by him is even worse... That you remind him of your father! My God!
Goldie you have to keep telling yourself that this man is mentally unstable and his words mean NOTHING. Don't speak to him again and don't allow you're daughters to interact with him either. Go on your holiday by all means and have the time of your life! You don't owe an explanation to anyone, least of all to a miserable loser who chooses to bully an innocent girl. To hell with him.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2018): I know that it sucks to be compared to the worst human you know on earth. But know this: he didn't actually compare you. He doesn't know you well enough, he doesn't actually KNOW you. He has disliked you for reasons beyond your control and he has made up some idea about who you are. In HIS HEAD you are someone else. But it is only in his head. Listen to yourself and your own heart and head this time, not his. You know yourself best. You know you're not like your father at all. So trust yourself on this. If you want to, you can write your uncle a letter to tell him what you had to endure growing up with your father, and how you are nothing like your father, and that your uncle has a choice in life: he can choose to punish you for the sins of your father, or he can understand that he was not the only victim here and that you need his support as much as he needs yours.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2018): Because you can identify with your uncle's pain, don't let him convince you that any of the bad ways of your father has rubbed-off on you; or think that he sees any signs of your father coming-out in you. I know that's your greatest fear.
Once an abuser is out of your life; the victory is to move on with your life, and breaking-away from the power they once held over you. Freeing yourself from being their victim. Overcoming those flashbacks that occur every-time some act, speech, or behavior seen in others reminds you of your painful past.
Life-experience sometimes repeats itself; so you can't relapse every-time the mention of your father comes up. He's your father forever; but you're not his victim forever. You know your dad was sick. To me it seems your uncle spends too much time living in the past; and brooding over something that happened that has absolutely nothing to do with you. Stay away from him! No one is responsible for your father's actions but your father. Your uncle is a man-boy. He never sought professional-treatment; so he's still 14, and living with his parents.
If you feel you can't shake what he said, you have to bring it up to your therapist. I hope you still see your therapist. Why do I have a feeling you aren't going as often as you should? Seems these incidents should have been discussed with your doctor. You also need professional advice.
If you're dragging around anxiety over your uncle's words, it seems that you might not have reached a breakthrough with your own post-traumatic stress quite yet. I hope you have mentioned these anxieties to your mental-health professional. Maybe he has caused a slight setback.
In addition to coming to us and seeing your therapist; if you practice worship, you can also find comfort in seeing your imam, priest, rabbi, or minister; or whomever is the leader of your spiritual-life. They don't always come to mind, but they are also there to comfort and help us through our pain and the stress of life. Our spiritual-lives require as much maintenance as any other aspect of our well-being.
Prayer and meditation works wonders, and restores inner-peace. Bringing light to darkness. Forgiveness is also healing.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2018): Hi OP -- This is the first anonymous poster below. I'm glad you're feeling better but it's concerning that you took the words of someone you described as often very sullen and angry to heart.In abuse, people are angry, critical, accusatory to another person when they shouldn't be. This is not the same as a nice, normal person being momentarily angry or critical of you for good reason. Do you know what I mean? Your uncle sounds very rude to you, on the abusive spectrum. You do NOT have to feel bad, you dont have to think you've done something wrong. He mistreats you. Since you've unfortunately had too much experience with abusive behavior in the past, I worry you aren't seeing cruelty for what it is now. You're taking his criticisms more seriously than you should, I think. He's been mean to you in the past and he's being mean now. Maybe he really does feel/believe what he's saying -- maybe he's lumped you, or you and your siblings, in with his view of your dad -- but just because there's a string of logic buried in the craziness doesn't mean it's not crazy. I'm sure your dad thought he had some reasons to be violent, something driving him. That's a surprise when you say that your uncle is your mom's sister. So he was an adult when your dad hurt him? If you're 29 and the abuse happened 20 or 25 years ago, your uncle would have been in his 20s? Anyway it's very strange your dad would be violent to extended family too but I guess violent people often have no boundaries. The fact that your mom did nothing to protect him suggests she might not have with you either and that's I'm sure another difficult facet of this story. Anyway, good luck. Your uncle is mean to you. The words of someone who's mean have different meaning than those of a reasonable, normal person. *It's not valid criticism.* Ignore it and move on. That was a cruel, self-indulgent thing for him to say to the victim of abuse.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2018): Just keep your daughter away from him and you stay away from him.He is insane and I do not care what caused it.You cannot reason with this man because he is insane.He lives at his mommy and daddy house because of this.He could become violent because of it.It seems like he would.Just stay away and stay safe and do not feel bad for protecting yourself and your child.It is your job to keep your child safe.Just cut the man out of your life.No guilt in self perservation.
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female
reader, goldie22 +, writes (30 April 2018):
goldie22 is verified as being by the original poster of the question Ive calmed down a little today and although im still horribly hurt by what has been said i am able to reflect.
Just to clarify. My uncle is my mothers brother. He also told me during the argument that my mother did nothing to prevent my father beating him.
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female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (30 April 2018):
 P.S. In your shoes I would also minimize your daughters' contact with your uncle, in case he decides that they remind him of you, who reminds him of his brother . . . .
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female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (30 April 2018):
He is hurting and is lashing at at you because (I am guessing) he never got the chance/was brave enough to lash out at your father. You are a constant reminder of the abuse he suffered at the hands of your father (not for the reasons he gives you but purely because you are that horrible man's daughter).
Unlike you, who chose to reclaim her life, get help to get past the abuse and move on, he has chosen to wallow in what happened and let it eat away at him. You are not to blame for this.
While I understand you would want to keep contact with him, given your blood ties, remember he does not have control over you and you do not have to explain ANYTHING to him. Unless you are asking him to lend you money, it has nothing to do with him where you get YOUR money. There is probably a tinge of resentment that you love and look after your children, that they get the childhood he would have probably chosen for himself if things had been different.
Regardless of how much this man is hurting due to previous abuse, he should not be taking it out on you or your children. If he continues to do so, you need to try to distance yourself from him - for your children's sake AND your own.
I suspect this outburst has brought back to you feelings you hoped were dead and buried. Can you get some sessions with the therapist who has helped you previously? I am assuming you no longer have therapy, but maybe you still do, in which case you need to discuss this.
Frankly, your uncle does sound like he has mental health issues of his own. A man his age berating someone for giving him "dirty looks" is not normal. Can you have a word with your grandparents to see if they can get some help for him?
You are a strong woman who has survived a horrendous past and has 3 gorgeous daughters who will be feeling very vulnerable, watching the person they rely on for THEIR strength crying all the time. Draw your strength from them. They need you to be their mummy. Hugs.
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female
reader, fishdish +, writes (30 April 2018):
 Couple of things. His comparison makes zero sense. You treating your children to a vacation and offering him tea is just like you being his abusive brother/your abusive father? The other thing is he doesn't sound all that stable himself. There's gotta be a reason he's never left the family home into his adulthood and if there's a history of mental illness in the family, it wouldn't be surprising if he had something too. I feel like he only said it to hurt you. He's been poking a stick at a wasp's nest for quite a while, now, and the comparison to your father was just another way to cut you down. Do you best to minimize contact where all possible.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2018): You don't owe your uncle an apology for what your father did to all of you, and your mother. Fortunately, you've sought therapy for your trauma; but it is unlikely you uncle ever has or ever will. You might suggest it to him. Even invite him for a session with you and your doctor if that can be arranged.
His association between you and your father's past behavior makes absolutely no sense. The way he treated you rests on him and his own abusive behavior. He should own it, and make no excuses.
With the exception of people who are mentally-ill beyond help or those suffering from very extreme mental-health crisis; we all know right from wrong and how we should treat people. I don't buy the abuse-excuse.
A history of being treated badly may explain the behavior; but it doesn't excuse the victim for hurting other people. That's why you seek treatment for your mental-health. If you can't help yourself, find a trained professional who can help you! You're no better than your abuser; if you're passing-on their abuse to yet another generation; and perpetuating a cycle of violence, psychological-injury, or verbal-abuse!
Get help, or go to jail!
You are all victims of abuse. You must seek counseling and therapy. It is absolutely necessary to deal with the post-traumatic stress. The damage caused by emotional-distress and physical-abuse can last a lifetime. You and your uncle are living examples.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2018): Oh I feel so bad for you for this situation. Your uncle does not seem like a very nice guy. Who knows the cause of his unpleasant personality and behavior, but one thought: maybe he's cut genetically from slightly the same cloth as your dad? Maybe he has the same type of nature a little bit?You have nothing to apologize for! My god, what you describe from your childhood is truly terrible. It's completely irrational for your uncle be rude to someone simply because that person reminds him of someone else. Where is his affection for you about what you went through (as a kid, I might add, with an adult, a head of the household, inflicting the abuse. All abuse is awful but wouldn't you say you might have gotten it worse from your dad than your uncle did?)I wonder also if there might be some jealous resentment going on. At 29, you're a nice woman with three children and can pay for her own vacations. He is 20 years older and hasn't made that progress; he might say that his lack of progress is because of his awful childhood but here is this nice woman who had a similarly bad, or much worse, upbringing but she's managed to get through it and at least in certain ways succeed. I just feel so bad that you had such a very difficult childhood and you now are still dealing with rude people and you actually think you need to apologize when someone is rude to you...Take care of yourself. (And your nice kids! And have a good trip!! Enjoy your successes despite a very hard childhood.)Good luck to you.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (30 April 2018):
 OP, it's NOT your fault and you should NOT have to apologize to your uncle for what your father did or for looking like your father.
Honestly? If I were you I'd stay away from him or when visiting HIS parents (your grandparents) to just ignore him.
YOU DO NOT owe him an explanation as to how you can afford a holiday or ANYTHING else!
Also, I don't think you uncle actually meant what he said.He just wanted to hurt you feelings because he is a petty and broken man who (for crying out loud) is still living at home with his parent at age 48! All that anger he took out on you... was HIM feeling inadequate. Him feeling self-hatred for his sad little life.
Chin up and remember you are NOT responsible for your fathers actions. EVER.
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